OH in prison.. When does it get easier?

[heatherxo]

I feel absolutely broken! My OH got sent to prison almost 2 weeks ago, and is remanded until his next court date in April, when he could possibly get up to 2 years.
I feel like I'm falling apart. I'm 30 weeks pregnant and my mental health isn't very great right now and I just feel like everything's turning to sht. Yes it's all his fault, yes he's fcking stupid! But I need him, especially now.
I don't even know what I'm wanting this post to achieve, I guess I just need some reasurance that everything will be ok...
😭😭

You’ll survive OP that’s all you can do , starts to get easier after the first few weeks when you get in to a routine of getting phone calls and when you work out how long it takes to send letters back and forth , focus on yourself and your little ones and most importantly try not to listen to ignorant people , you haven’t committed a crime . The prison services are actually great at helping family’s they can help you find support xxx

Small steps OP, it's hard. Just putting one foot infront of the other is okay for now. Busy yourself with the children, home improvements, or organising things. And it'll soon and over.

Hope it's a small sentence.

Ask your health visitor if there is a HomeStart scheme in your area or you can self-refer. In my area they even ran special courses for supporting women with PND.

OP, I know a lot more about this than I'm willing to disclose on here, but you know what happened before and forewarned is fore-armed! (Please have a giggle at the unfortunate pun there! ).

First things first, the practicalities - are you financially secure? If not, seek advice on benefits when partner is in prison. If you are in receipt of an income, make a to-do list for tomorrow to look at your budget. Have you enough to make ends meet on your own? If not, is there something that might need to go? I'd leave broadband, phone, and transport as priorities. That's to do tomorrow. Monday, ring any agencies who may help financially.

Next. The birth. Have you packed your bag yet? Do you know whether it's a boy or a girl? Have you a birthing partner organised? Childcare for little one for d-day? Have you picked out anything frivolous and pretty just for the hell of it? Do you know whether you can phone him or whether he can phone you? That's for Tuesday.

Then you have the managing two babies really. For that I would recommend you stick your nose into the single parenting forum. Tell them your situation and they will be helpful. That's for Wednesday.

For you now, I could recommend yoga and counselling and massages and facials but I'm not that thick. I've bought face masks in the pound shop and lounged in a couple of inches of water to feel a little pampered.

Your little one now can be your exercise if don't do anything structured. Cut up recyclable crap and get glue from the poundshop and knock yourselves out on Thursday making a woeful mess.

How's that for a short-term plan? Every 20 minutes you're busy doing something, is 20 minutes your brain is not being fried. If you only get 20 minutes a day not stressing, that is 20 minutes that is really good for you.

I've been in your shoes, I wasn't pgbut dp was in prison- pm me if you want to

You need to explain to your midwife about the previous pnd and that you are in need of extra support while your partner is in prison.

Thanks sullaby.
Yes I'm financially secure, so I don't need to worry about that. Also DS1 is not OH's, so things like having childcare for d-day is not a worry either.
I now don't have a birthing partner, and right now I'm in the mindset of "if he can't be there then no one can". I don't have a clue about contacting him when I go into labour/have baby. Right now I just have to wait for him to call me.
My son and I attend a young mother's group Tuesday - Thursday, which is helpful for taking my mind of things (sometimes). He attends nursery Wednesday - Friday (which leaves me with too much time to think)
But I do work Friday and Saturday, but will be leaving for annual leave/maternity soon.

I know keeping busy is the way forward, but it's those little hormonal moments of complete despair that catch you off guard, that I can't seem to shake, unfortunately

Those bursts of despair are temporary and they do pass. Just feel it at the time and then it will be gone. They'll hit you less frequently. The PND may not hit you this time and you are ready to recognise it if, God forbid, it does.
You've got this covered chick. I believe it.

I have been (and still am!) in your position. I have 2 young DC and have been on my own for almost 2 years.

Lots of people have posted some really good practical advice. I just wanted to say that it absolutely is possible to cope and things will get easier. It seems overwhelming at first but you very quickly get into a routine and time passes. As you can tell from this thread, a lot of people are very judgemental. I suppose I was too until it happened to me. Try to ignore what people say (most of whom have got their 'facts' from the local paper) especially when they tell you they wouldn't stay with them if they were in your position. One thing I have learnt is that you never know what you will do until you are in that position. If you have any close friends try to confide in them - I really have learnt who my friends are throughout this experience and I will never forget their support. The people who aren't there for you aren't worth worrying about.

There are lots of support groups so don't feel like you are all alone. I'm sending you lots of good wishes

I think you need to reassess everything.

An AS shows a whole host of things that have gone on with various partners, pregnancies etc. There's no stability whatsoever and yet another innocent child is going to be thrown in the mix.

A conviction for carrying a lethal weapon, his health issues etc should mean SS step in for the children's sakes.

Yellow - what part of your patronising, ill-informed post is meant to be helpful?!

I think you need to reassess when you open your mouth. Your assumptions about the OPs ability to parent are based on complete ignorance of the world outside what I guess is your rather limited world.

Sullaby - that is a great post, and really helpful.

OP - you've had loads of useful advice in among all the nosey crap. In terms of getting in touch with him if you have complications, or when you go into labour, the prison will have a Safer Custody Line phone number, where you can leave a message if you need to. The prison chaplaincy will also be able to help him.

There are lots of organisations to support the families of prisoners. Please do speak to your midwife about increased support for YOU.

Thank you sullaby. I know it will get easier one day, I just don't know when. I think having a plan in place, IF my mental health does dip, is making things easier to cope with.

Thanks funny. I will look into who I can contact at the prison when things do kick off. He's in a yoi just now on remand, and I'm hoping and praying he comes home in April

FFS YES people are- cruelly - criminalized for being mentally unwell. I know of several examples- a young woman who took ber own life in prison after being charged for being on a motorway bridge being one. It happens. It shouldn't

It probably isnt very helpful to the OP to bang on about people who commit suicide in prison. She has enough to worry about already. An awful lot of prisoners have mental health issues, but most establishments are pretty good at caring for them.

I was in the same position as you OP. Visiting 3 times a month etc but about 6 months in I realised I needed to focus on myself not hang around waiting for the phone to ring (pre mobiles) and daily letter to arrive.
I went to see him twice after that, once to tell him I needed space and wanted NC. Again a couple of months before his release to tell him I didn’t want someone who couldn’t put me first (albeit him telling me it would never happen again).
20 years later, I have no regrets. I was young and thought I knew everything, thought I could cope. Turns out, that someone had to put me first because no one else would.
Don’t feel pressured to keep visiting, maintaining contact etc. Especially when the baby arrives and you need time to reprioritise. Have you given yourself time to reflect on whether you want to raise children with this man or have you been swept up in the justice system? Just because he was innocent this time doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to be happy and supported and your kids doesn’t deserve to grow up living with a man who is struggling to see beyond his own MH issues. You say he’s young, so to already have a violent history and MH issues it doesn’t boad well for a happy future.

I have had so many people give up on me when I needed them the most. Over the last 3 years my own mh has been terrible... new diagnoses, meds, etc...
The only person who cared enough to stay at my side was him. Even my own family left.

I can't leave him when he needs me, I can't take his child away from him because that will probably be his breaking point.

I'm not saying (or believing) that we will live happily ever after, and yes we may even split before he is even released - but I refuse to give up on him

As soon as you know his prison number sign up for
Emailaprisoner.com - it costs about 30p a message but you can email and it gets delivered to his cell everyday with the post - some prisons have a reply service the prisoner can use, my dp prison didn't - this way you can let him know you're thinking of him, give him updates on the pregnancy etc and there's no limit on the number of emails you can send him so long as your account has credit - it will take time for him to get phone credit and even then it's limited to how much he gets each week

Also contact the prison - the will have local shops who they allow to deliver papers (trust me these help esp Saturday ones with tv listings) and approved places you can send books.

The only person who cared enough to stay at my side was him

But he didn’t did he. Don’t stay with him because he’s the best of a bad bunch. But that’s not a decision you need to be thinking about right now.
You need to get things in order between now and April. Think about why you have no friends and build on how you can make some and create a support network. What’s your neighbours like? DC nursery mums etc? Are they similar age or all older seemly middle class types?
Put your energy in to getting your house in order for new arrival and if you feel up to it invite DS friends round for tea then you get to meet the parents at drop off and invite them in for a cuppa. Then they might reciprocate when baby is here.

Sorry but considering you know nothing of my life and past, you can't really sit and pass judgement on whether he's been a help to me or not.

This post was about me, not about why he's in there, etc.

Ok, I can see why you are struggling with friends if anyone who has a different point of view is shot down like that.
Shame you disregarded everything else I said just because I wasn’t advising you to raise your kids with a violent man.

For starters I have not once said he is violent.
This isn't about having friends, or going out, or anything you suggested. This is about me coping alone with 2 young children.

I’m not familiar with knife crime etc so won’t comment.

I am though practice and my thoughts go to your living situation... if you claim housing benefit and council tax relief you need to tell the council about your change of circumstances asap as you could be entitled to more money which may be helpful right now

Also tell council tax you’re the only adult in property if you are, as you get a 25%discount

All this could help keep the Woolf from the door

Take care op,

The only person who cared enough to stay at my side was him

You have said your mental health has been had for some time. You are quite vulnerable and may not realise this. He is also vulnerable and this may not be a good combination for your joint mental health and looking after the children. Sometimes, it can be difficult to look inwards and see everything. This is not a criticism, this is just real life.

Please speak to your midwife and ask for a referral to their anti natal mental health team. My friend had post natal psychosis and she had no idea - you may not realise you are suffering when it happens and you need to give permission to those around you to share this with your midwife/health visitor if you are affected post birth. You have been through so much and this additional stress could have impacts so please take care of your self first so you can take care of your babies.

OP you mentioned not having friends or support, and finishing work soon etc so won’t even have that.
I was trying to help. I suggest you stop being so defensive as this won’t help your relationship with family and friends which you will need in the coming weeks. Not to “go out” as you put it as that sounds rather childish. But to support you through a difficult time.