OH in prison.. When does it get easier?

[heatherxo]

I feel absolutely broken! My OH got sent to prison almost 2 weeks ago, and is remanded until his next court date in April, when he could possibly get up to 2 years.
I feel like I'm falling apart. I'm 30 weeks pregnant and my mental health isn't very great right now and I just feel like everything's turning to sht. Yes it's all his fault, yes he's fcking stupid! But I need him, especially now.
I don't even know what I'm wanting this post to achieve, I guess I just need some reasurance that everything will be ok...
😭😭

I know of someone charged with affray for self harming. A person present at the time felt 'scared for their life' or similar as I guess he was a little frenetic and holding a knife/wielding a weapon whatever way you look at it. I think they would look at all possession similarly. Otherwise, every other person caught would be claiming self-harm.

OP, I really hope you find the strength. Just take it piece by piece, day by day. Don't dwell on what coulda/shoulda happened and do not dwell on worst case scenarios. They haven't happened, might never happen, and you can dwell on it at the time, if the time comes.

Keep your mind and body occupied. The less you think about this, the less stressed you will feel. I wish you all the best.

OP,

This is a very hard time for you, so get whatever support there is out there and congratulations on your wee family.

It sounds like he won't be long in prison, fortunately enough.

Look on this as a turning point. He obviously needs some therapy to learn how to deal with his emotions, so hopefully this will be a wake-up call for him and you need to deal with your lack of a social network.

It occurred to me that some posters seem to be nosey old bags, if you haven't got any words of advice except to stand around a virtual street corner about the OP's crime and to pass comment on it, then what use is the posting? Kick someone when they are feeling at a low point why don't you? If life isn't hard enough for the OP right now just carry on kicking the boot in.

OP I am sorry you are going through this, always remember things could be worse, although they don't seem it right now they could be. Concentrate on getting through one day at a time, nothing ever came from worrying. What will happen will happen in court, you will find your inner strength in time, and concentrate on yourself and your child and new baby. Remember worst case is 2 years not 20, anything below 2 is a bonus.

Sending you peace today and ignore the snide comments, some people just can't help donning a judges wig and sticking a broomstick up their arses! 😉

Why was he remanded for a crime that carries a maximum sentence of 2 years? Even those who commit violent crimes are out on tag before sentencing. I know someone who got 13 years and was not imprisoned until the sentence was passed.

OP - sorry you’re not being believed and the focus is on your husband’s offen. Second the recommendation of www.offendersfamilieshelpline.org/

OP, sorry you are having such a hard time

Nothing really useful to say except that I had bad (untreated) PND after my first baby and was very apprehensive about the arrival of my second. However, it's a completely different experience this time round, much easier and I'm feeling great. Hopefully that will be the case for you too.

Best of luck!

Apparently this is the case, according to the Met Police.

If you are caught with a knife or a gun, regardless of whether you say it was for your own protection or you were carrying it for someone else, you will be arrested and prosecuted. Possession of a knife can carry a prison sentence of up to 4 years even if it's not used.

And up to 5 years in Scotland.

Yes, they are cracking down on knife crime. 4 years is the maximum sentence though. There has to be evidence of various other things to be put on remand rather than bailed though.

First of all, I didn't say he was arrested for self harming, he was arrested for possession of a knife. Which can get up to 4 years in jail.
He was stopped in a street not too far from the city centre, bleeding. The police asked if he had anything he shouldn't and he obviously said yes.

He is under "investigation" of the mental health team, which may result in him being sectioned rather than incarcerated. He has severe ADHD and other mental health problems, which are being looked at.

I was at his court hearing, which was on Wednesday where he was remanded in custody until a further hearing. He is being looked at as a danger to himself and the public because of his health right now.

He is looking at a maximum of 2 years. Minimum of 3 months.

Not that any of the above matters because I didn't ask about advice for that, I asked for reasurance and maybe some advice about how to actually cope with 2 children alone.

Thank you to everyone that has given me advice

Op there are some good organisations that support the partners and children of those serving prison sentences. Just google and you’ll find them. I work with offenders and can totally understand how stressed and anxious you must feel. It’s important to get some support around you. Please ignore some of the bloody nonsense posted on this thread. Obviously some people who believe they are Judge Judy!

sentencing council

I’m only posting this really because I do think it’s relevant to OP in coping with this.

My best friend’s childhood friend of 25 years’ husband is serving a long sentence for an extremely serious crime which was in the national press and is probably one of the most serious crimes that have ever been carried out in our town.

They married before the trial so she couldn’t be compelled to testify and even though he has been in jail for many years how he copes with his situation and what he says to her about it is one of the main things that has a negative effect on her. There is this mentality that it is her and him against the evil state that is wrecking their lives but he’s being fed and housed in prison and she’s outside with no support.

He has told her a load of crap, which she bought because she was so shocked about what was happening; he went to work, committed the crime and just never came home and the next day the police knocked and she (and her kids) were just out on the street with no support because the police were searching their house and no-one wanted to be associated with her and the kids. They slept in their car for weeks.

When a person commits a crime (even if the crime is violence towards the partner) the partner often tries to cope by going along with a ‘terrible injustice’ narrative, see services as penalising the person they love and not as opportunities for help and support but IMO it is SO important to try and avoid this mentality, though it is really understandable.

Very few people accused of a crime will be upfront and take responsibility prior to the court case for obvious reasons. That period is all about them practising their defence.

The partners often get left behind and forgotten about or even ostracised (lady above still can’t rent anywhere when ppl find out who she is leaving her even more dependent on her h who will sent ‘lads’ to threaten LL etc). Literally everything puts them in a position that makes them more likely to go along with their partner than seek help for themselves.

In reality, OP it is YOU that needs the help and support and the advocacy. He is in the criminal justice system and will have lawyers and at least some support re his MH. You have none of that and you don’t need to be carrying his burden as well as your own.

Distancing yourself from him and the dramas of his upcoming case will certainly feel cruel to you but it is important that you are able to focus on the upcoming birth and realistically, even if you were a lawyer or a mental health practitioner, you wouldn’t be able to do much to practically help his legal situation or his mental health because he is your partner and you are heavily pregnant.

The court should be made aware of your family situation though, it is relevant to sentencing.

How will you cope? With difficulty.

I think one thing this thread can show you is the judgment you are likely to face from people in your community. Some people will be supportive of you, some will be condemning, others will be there for the 'gossip' factor.

It will be hard. Try to identify a few supportive friends so that you know you have people to lean on.

But, your DC1 is not at school, so you won't have to be anywhere at particular times which will make it easier for you.

Think of it as being a lone parent. There are a lots of parents out there who are getting on with it, and doing a wonderful job.

I actually think the harder time will be when your partner is released from prison. The support groups mentioned earlier by other posters will help you there.

Op you will cope it's hard to see it now but you will and it does get easier especially when you get in a routine of visits.
Please write a letter to the judge stating that you stand with your partner and you will support him and explain your situation and how you feel and add that is more of a sentence to you than it would be for him and how it will affect your child and unborn child, they tend to take into account family life of you send a letter in.
I have been there twice with my husband and due to the nature of the crime I stood by him xx

some people just can't help donning a judges wig and sticking a broomstick up their arses

The irony and complete lack of self awareness here as you sit in offensive judgement of other posters is actually quite mind boggling.

Yes this is his fault, he's an asshole for even thinking it was acceptable to leave house with a knife on his possession. He should have been thinking of his family, our unborn and every other factor in his life that is relevant to where he is now.
I am not condoning what he did, and he is fully accepting his actions and behaviour because he knows he is in the wrong.

Yes, he most likely won't get any longer than 6 months, but my head is a mess and I guess I just keep going back to the "what ifs".

What did he do?

You need to put yourself first and let the lawyers and MH professionals work to sort him out. You can’t help him here and your DC need you to be ok even more because he isn’t around and because he isn’t well.

Why does it matter to so many posters what the alleged 'crime' is? You think knowing that will help the OP? There is a terrible amount of judgemental posters on this thread, it's not relevant to the help and advice sought.

Op

No real advice, just a lot of sympathy. I can imagine life feels very tough right now. Day at a time and just reward yourself for getting through each day with all you alive and fed and clean. If you can plan some treats (even free or cheap ones) so you have dates ahead to look forward to, that will give you some distraction and possibly make the time go quicker.

Why?because people want to judge and rubberneck based on the alleged crime

As a mental health nurse I feel obliged to point out for the reassurance of anyone who has a mental health problem that people are absolutely not remanded in prison to' protect themselves or other's ' if the need to protect is due to mental illness only rather than criminal behaviour. I work in a psychiatric liaison team, several times a week I assess people who have self harmed with knives/ blades often in public places, if mental illness is the cause they are not arrested and remanded. It may not be relevant to the OPs question but wrong information around this issue is frightening to others with mental health needs.

Do you still want to be with him, OP?

Yes I do want to be with him.

I just wanted some advice on coping with two young children alone. As I said before, I fell into a deep depression after DS1 - to the point I would self harm and I intentionally overdosed myself. I am terrified of feeling the same again, and yet no one takes me seriously, not even the mental health team.

Most area's have a specialist pre-natal mental health service, ask your midwife to refer you.