Bulls*it & blocked

[SM2018]

Morning guys,

Hope the snow isn’t causing too much chaos for you all.

Bit of a rant post and I just need some handholding I think, just some conformation I’ve done the right thing.

So basically, fell in love with a boy 🙄 happened all very fast, both of us got cold feet, he asked for couple months to get himself straight with work and new House... all fine, I needed some space to get my head straight aswell and come to terms with how incredible this man was and how not to mess it up.

However

Couple messages went back and forth over last few weeks, I suggested going for dinner and by the end of it all I wasn’t getting any response and had been ghosted.

Fast forward a couple more weeks and I sent a perfectly polite message saying if he’s not interested and doesn’t want to see me again can he just tell me straight. Again no answer.

So last night after several bottles of wine while having a laugh with my mates one of them stumbled across him on tinder... swiped right... they matched...

I called him out on it saying

“Matching with my best mate on tinder, after swearing on your nephews life I was the girl of your dreams isnt cool. So wanted to believe you weren’t a f*ck boy”

(He’s very very close with said nephew by the way)

And then I get blocked just for calling him out on his shitty behaviour... I’m glad I’ve made him feel bad but don’t like being mean and not liked because I believe there is a reason behind the way people act, try not to jump to conclusions but I’ve given him sooooooo many opportunities to prove me wrong.

Just a bit of a crappy situation all round but I’m trying to be more true myself and not put up with crappy people.

Gutted but obvs not meant to be 😣.

Would you guys have done the same???

No, I wouldn’t have done the same. I wouldn’t chase someone who ghosted me.
Booze makes you drop your guard.

Well he obviously wasn't interested if he had been ignoring you for weeks. Sometimes people say things that they don't actually mean.

I also would have left it after the first time he ignored me.

No I wouldn't have done the same
Had he met your best friend previously?

Honestly, I know it stings, but if you want to be true to yourself NC is the way to go. Don’t give him any more of your time.

After you'd been ghosted the first time that was all the information you needed I'm afraid. No response is a response. Well, it's certainly a message. It's a message where the only information is 'no' or 'rejection' but it is a message.

Try to care less next time.

Yes we had been out to our local where she works with a few of his mates.. he knew who she was.

Besides the ghosting bit would no one call someone out on their behaviour if it bothers you?

I wouldn't have tried to contact him after the first time he ignored me.

It's hard but walking away with dignity is best.

Don't give them ammunition to feel they were justified in their actions.

I would not have done what you did because it shows you care. Next time, move on, grieve in private and then keep looking. Men know where to find you where they want to. I have learnt it with age (did a couple of silly things in my twenties) but I can honestly say my dignity is always intact although I do wonder where I go wrong with men.

ps I do have sympathy! Once, after going out with a man for months, I didn't hear from him when he was on holiday and he got back a couple of days before his birthday and I still hadn't heard, so I knew it was over. I felt that in my gut before he even went a way tbh. So I rang him withholding my number on his birthday to say that he may be too cowardly to draw a line under it but I wasn't. He was all bumbling and apologetic and said he had been planning to call me but that today was his birthday and could he ring me tomorrow. I laughed and said no, do you think I'm gonna go back to waiting for your call, the reason I rang was to draw a line under any waiting or uncertainty. He did seem embarrassed. I told him that I regretted sleeping with him and he said no the sex was good you shouldn't regret it and I said well still obviously I do regret it because I believed I was sleeping with a man who meant what he said and more importantly knew what he felt. I wasn't even angry, I ended up telling him he didn't even know what he actually felt and that's why all of his exes hated him. I believe he felt worse after the phone call and I felt a lot better after it, so if you can keep your cool, zombie-ing a ghoster can be satisfying. Depends on the circs though. There have been other situations where I definitely wouldn't contact a ghoster. I prefered to let them wonder if I was ghosting them back.

i Guess to get a full understanding of the situation you need to have a blow by blow account but at the end of the day he perused me for months, told me a lot of “lies” about how amazing we get on (which we actually did), asked to keep in contact when I freaked out but then doesn’t reply, matches with my mate on tinder and then gets upset when I call him up on it... I would want someone to do the same to me if id behaved like that towards someone I got close with.

How old are you? You sound very, very young.

No, I wouldn't have done that either and I seriously don't think you have made him feel bad.

Better luck in the future, hope you find someone good.

Thank you MnaSneachta I try and be as honest with people as I can, yes that leave me open for heartbreak but I can’t pretend I don’t care when I do.

I think it’s one of those things where you felt like it was the real deal but you didn’t really know each other like you thought. That’s ok. And it’s ok to find out that you aren’t as perfect as it felt from the start.
It sounds like you’ve had a lucky escape actually.
I’d walk away with my dignity intact.
That sends just as clear a message as confronting him.

If he cared about your opinion, he wouldn’t have behaved that way in the first place!
It’s all extremely immature but it’s done now so does it matter what anyone thinks of it?!

Most likely now you’ll be dubbed a “psycho” and fodder for him and his mates to laugh about for a while until the same thing happens next weekend.

You should have blocked him first. Just move on now because that’s all you can do!

SM2018, You have to interpret ghosting as a communication. It is crappy but it can be decoded like this ''it'd be a really awkward conversation that I'm too cowardly to have, it'd be three minutes of awkwardness that I can't face. I'd probably feel relieved after it but even so I still can't face it, so I'll internalise that crappiness rather than deal with it head on, cos I know that I said things I didn't mean and I don't know myself well enough to know what I feel or why I feel it or why I say what I say. I don't know my ass from my elbow and I'm a horny bloke with a massive blind spot that I"m gonna ignore for the rest of my life if I can. If I see you again I'll duck in to a doorway to avoid you because once five years ago I was a coward. It's the way I roll''.

Next time you're ghosted insert that in to the silence.

No I’m not very very young, I just don’t think ghosting or treating people like crap is morally fair.

Especially when you allowed them into your home, your life, I’m an all in or nothing kind of girl and I needed to draw a line under this situation.

Giving the other person control and waiting and hanging on to maybes and what ifs and when’s is not something that sits easily with me because I’m a straight up honest person when I feel I’ve been disrespected I think that person should know.

Haha that made me laugh.

To be fair to myself I don’t let people in easily and I think that this is the first time I’ve been ghosted! 😳.

Always had long term relationships and since my last one ended I’ve been focusing on myself and then this one walked into my life and caused chaos for me little head.

Ok. Well if you think that’s what you did then situation resolved, no?

Most people on here wouldn’t have done it because being ghosted speaks volumes for itself. It is closure in that it’s a dumping where he cares so little that he doesn’t even think you’re worth a message to end it...

Oh, and the quickly developed intense feelings that require a step back because they’re soooo intense is classic fuckboy material!

I used to be like you, well, I wouldn't have hoped that the situation was still salvageable for so long after he didn't contact me, but I am very honest in my dealings with people too but unfortunately, particularly in dating and attraction, givers attract takers. There is some sort of resonance going on where you have push and pull going on, a giver puller and a pusher taker.

The 'answer' (and I put answer in inverted commas because I'm still single!) is to just care less. I used to wonder how people didn't invest emotionally in to an exchange that was intoxicating. How a rapport and a connection meant nothing to them. But now I get it. I think I get that it's easy to have a ''rapport'' over a beer. But to feel connected to somebody takes months and months. There has to be a series of tests. I don't mean one person consciously testing the other but just a series of events where you realise that your lives are successfully enmeshing and it feels right and there's no need to push and pull.

I might be barking up the wrong tree totally and if I am, forgive me, but have you read Natalie Lue's Mr Unavailable and the fall back girl. LOT of wisdom in that book, and also Rachel Heller ""attached''. A very good look at what your attachment style might be and that was very, very useful information for me.

It was shit like you've been through that put me on the path to repairing myself. I hope that doesn't sound extremely patronising. I wish I'd figured this shit out while I was young.

Little tip for life: when someone swears on someone else's life, they're invariably lying through their teeth.

I think the take home from this should be that if a guy asks for a couple of months to get his head straight, you should read that as is trying to let you down gently. Also if you're scratching around thinking how do I "come to terms with how incredible this man was and how not to mess it up" that shows you how uneven the relationship is, and it shouldn't be that hard. If you can scare him off that easily, he's not into you and you're wasting your time and energy trying to make it something it's not.

You need to value yourself more.

Sounds like you were ''love bombed'' and I got caught out like this in my forties because it had never happened to me before. This is the same man who I rang with my number withheld on his birthday btw.

Google elephant journal + love bombing. They have a really good article about love bombing. It's what somebody does when there is a vacuum that exists inside them. No mere relationship with one individual could ever give them what they need