Bulls*it & blocked

[SM2018]

Morning guys,

Hope the snow isn’t causing too much chaos for you all.

Bit of a rant post and I just need some handholding I think, just some conformation I’ve done the right thing.

So basically, fell in love with a boy 🙄 happened all very fast, both of us got cold feet, he asked for couple months to get himself straight with work and new House... all fine, I needed some space to get my head straight aswell and come to terms with how incredible this man was and how not to mess it up.

However

Couple messages went back and forth over last few weeks, I suggested going for dinner and by the end of it all I wasn’t getting any response and had been ghosted.

Fast forward a couple more weeks and I sent a perfectly polite message saying if he’s not interested and doesn’t want to see me again can he just tell me straight. Again no answer.

So last night after several bottles of wine while having a laugh with my mates one of them stumbled across him on tinder... swiped right... they matched...

I called him out on it saying

“Matching with my best mate on tinder, after swearing on your nephews life I was the girl of your dreams isnt cool. So wanted to believe you weren’t a f*ck boy”

(He’s very very close with said nephew by the way)

And then I get blocked just for calling him out on his shitty behaviour... I’m glad I’ve made him feel bad but don’t like being mean and not liked because I believe there is a reason behind the way people act, try not to jump to conclusions but I’ve given him sooooooo many opportunities to prove me wrong.

Just a bit of a crappy situation all round but I’m trying to be more true myself and not put up with crappy people.

Gutted but obvs not meant to be 😣.

Would you guys have done the same???

Not sure where the phrase "all or nothing girl" came in to the discussion.. especially to be mocked as tho it were used as a threat.

Bottom line is a woman is entitled to have her own agenda and not being the fake stop gap girlfriend of a man who is flailing about randomly on tinder/pof is a reasonable agenda.

Honestly...and I don't mean to be spiteful...but you sound a bit full on, and perhaps rather ideological about relationships.

You needed time to "come to terms with how incredible this man was"? Huh? This is real life, not a Danielle Steele novel.

And, trust me on this, any man that's interested in you would never delay the relationship for a few months to "get his head together". Most people would have taken the hint at that stage and realised it was never going to happen but that didn't seem to occur to you.

I wouldn't normally recommend the book "He's Just Not That Into You" but I genuinely think you could use it.

The OP used the phrase to describe herself.

It means in my mind I'm all in - which is pretty much how to it goes for everyone in a long term committed relationship without the need for a label , but its not really applicable to every man you ever date surely, because if it is, you're either desperately needy or incredibly unchoosy. There is no other explanation to willing giving your all to a virtual stranger off the bat other than one of those two.

I’m glad I’ve made him feel bad but don’t like being mean

Of coures you haven't "made him feel bad"!!! Why on earth do you think you did?!?

He DOESN'T CARE! That was clear from the start - no one wants a couple of months break from a relationship they are in to. It's a polite way of breaking up.

He blocked you because to him you are past history and he probably thinks life is to short to be pestered by messages from someone who can't accept he isn't interested in them.

There is only one rule in OLD: mirror the communication you receive. Silence should be responded to with silence.

Again this wasn’t an online dating situation.

So now to add to the list of words I’ve been described today I’ve been called unhinged and too full on, needy and not choosy enough... wow.

It was a mutual decision to cool it, I have enough on my plate without adding to them but I can still have friendships with men, it’s not a case of liking my friend more.

I haven’t pestered him with messages either, jeezee.

I am entitled to say to someone friend or not when they have over stepped the mark. That’s the bottom line.

Are you all telling me when you have a disagreement at home or in work that you just ignore the situation and don’t talk to said person ever again. I don’t think so, and if you do then where’s everyone’s backbones.

Look OP you asked if everyone would do the same. The answer was a resounding no. Doesn't mean it wasnt the right thing for you personally to do if it made you feel better.

You say you gave him the opportunity to be honest but actually what you were doing was ignoring what he said/wanted and were pestering him. It sounds more like you were demanding him to stay in touch.
You both ended it he doesn't have to continue on going contact or explain why he doesn't want to go out to dinner.
This all sounds a bit dramatic and full on, perhaps that's why he bailed.
If someone stops replying to you, especially after a short space of time, and making it clear they wanted space they don't have to explain it. If I got a message saying such rude things to me from someone is ended a brief fling with I would block them to.
Chalk this one up to 'it just didn't work' and move on would be my advice.

So dealing with family issues, health issues and workload isnt enough to put a relationship on cool... I’m sorry but if when I’ve got a lot on the last I want to do it entertain someone.

I don’t blame him, I’m not mad I understand where he is coming from, all I expected from him and anyone is respect and to atleast be honest and tell me upfront he’s not that into me... it’s not hard. I’ve done it plenty of times and gone on the have friendships from those guys.

And from the way you're reacting to these responded I think even if he had sent a polite response saying no thank you to your dinner invite you still wouldn't have deemed that as acceptable.
You're making this whole thing way much bigger than it is.

No they aren't h
Good reasons to cool it, it's called life and when you're in a relationship you work through life together.
It doesn't sound like it was a relationship to him and maybe he was concerned how you would react, maybe he just didn't want to continue things so was telling you the truth.
Either way I can't see he is in the wrong here.

What you're not getting OP, is that you keep projecting what you would do and how you would behave. This guy isnt you. He ghosted. He's not interested in how you feel and whether you think he's respectful or not. You just have to accept that life lesson and move on. If someone treats you like they don't care, they don't care so your interpretation of events is irrelevant to them and always will be. They've shelved you, end of.

Thanks for the insults and advice, it’s really helped me decide that even though no one would agree calling someone out on shitty behaviour I’m glad I did.

I can’t go through life ghosting people because I don’t have the bottle to say I don’t want to see them again.

I would have more respect for him if he had just said he’s not into me, I wouldn’t have cried over it and I would then believe what he said about being brought up “proper” by his parents, it would have saved a lot of annoyance and we could have gone our separate ways peacefully and I wouldn’t have felt the need to turn to mumsnet.

If I had had a response saying no thank you then that would be fine, I’m not some odd ball that takes no for answer but you actually have to say no.

To be honest you are really making it out to be a bigger deal than it is.

Someone disrespected my feelings after dating for a while, I said I didn’t like it but yet I’ve only had a couple people say they would do the same and mention it.

I just hope that the next girl he dates he doesn’t do the same, I just hope if he’s not feeling it he just says so instead of leaving her hanging.

No I wouldnt even of let him know I cared. Especially after he ignored your message. I think no man would ever want a break of a few months from "the girl of his dreams" for those reasons.

Oh well thanks again to you all for taking the time to read, advise and call me names. My faith in humanity and standing up for what you believe in hasn’t been completely squashed.

Hope everyone has a nice snowy day.

I actually think people are being abit harsh op. The only advice I will give for next time is judge people by their actions not my their words.

He did tell you he wasn't into you by telling you he needed space for a few months - you just didn't take the hint.

As about 100 other people have said, the not replying was sending you a clear message, and the only thing you have achieved is making yourself look deranged.

And anyone who swears on a relative's life is lying, especially if they add ' and you know how much I love {name of relative}.

I haven’t read everything. But I’m gunna be honest it just sounded like a load of hassle from the start!

This guy was so amazing you wanted a few weeks apart to get your head around how happy you were? I’m sorry but that doesn’t make sense. If you were that happy you wouldn’t want to back off! So you either 1) weren’t as happy as you’re making out, or 2) he suggested he needed time away (his excuse because he wasn’t very interested) and you wanted to seem like the “cool girl” and said something similar

If you genuinely did want time away, then you’re both as bad as each other. I couldn’t have the time for all that messing around! Either you’re happy and moving forward with somebody, or you’re not and you stop seeing each other.

You don’t claim to be happy with somebody but back off for a few weeks to get your head around how amazing he is, but then moan when he’s on tinder

He just wasn’t as interested in you.

I haven’t pestered him with messages either, jeezee.

Agree with previous posters. And you did pester him with message on your own account.

I suggested going for dinner and by the end of it all I wasn’t getting any response and had been ghosted.

This indicates that apart from asking him for dinner and you sent more than one message to which you weren't getting a response.

Fast forward a couple more weeks and I sent a perfectly polite message saying if he’s not interested and doesn’t want to see me again can he just tell me straight. Again no answer.

Again messaging him when you were getting a clear indication by silence he wasn't interested in you and wasn't responding - even then you didn't leave it alone.

So last night after several bottles of wine while having a laugh with my mates one of them stumbled across him on tinder... swiped right... they matched...I called him out on it saying

“Matching with my best mate on tinder, after swearing on your nephews life I was the girl of your dreams isnt cool. So wanted to believe you weren’t a fck boy”*

I think that's enough to count as pestering someone who isn't interested in you with messages - even if it wasn't, by this point he's entitled to conclude you just won't leave him alone and are now calling him a fuck boy (abuse) and that future pestering will occur.

If you were that annoyed by the whole thing, the way to deal with it is right at the start when he hasn't replied about dinner is to phone him (not texting, not Tinder) and to speak to him directly. That way you will get a clear sense of whether he is interested or not and making excuses. At that point, if you want to say something if you are disgruntled at your treatment that is the time to do it but in a cool and calm way - saying of course its fine/his choice/but your view is that he lead you on in a way that you find cruel and unkind and you don't think that is an acceptable way to treat people/wish you all the best. End of.

And move the fuck on with your own life.

Are you all telling me when you have a disagreement at home or in work that you just ignore the situation and don’t talk to said person ever again. I don’t think so, and if you do then where’s everyone’s backbones.

I don't have several bottles of wine and call
them f*ck boy.

There's* a midway position between what you did and ignoring the situation

However In Your situation, because you were obviously dumped and being ignored by exdp, I think you could have kept your dignity and walked away without saying a word.

dontdontdont has got it 100% right, the op won't agree with you though don't

Sorry OP. You can call him out all you like, but he doesn’t care. He didn’t care enough to see you, text you, explain himself. He sure as hell won’t care now what your opinion is of him for that behaviour.

I wouldn’t have done what you did.

He’s blocked you because he’s fed up hearing from you, not because you’ve hurt or shamed him.

You could have just ignored him, as he was you. You don’t have to call it “ghosting”. If you think you calling him out on it will stop him doing it to someone else, you ARE naive. He’ll stop when he wants, when he finds the person he wants to be with, or when someone does it to him and it hurts him. You have absolutely no influence over him.

Please don’t put yourself in this position again. You’re the only its having any effect on.

SM2018 I hate that ghosting is seemingly becoming an accepted way of ending something. It isn't. But sadly you can't make him rethink his ways or make him grow a heart and some balls. If he is such a cold hearted coward you reallyare better off without him. He sounds very childish. Please don't try and contact him again though. Remove all traces from your phone so that you can't drunkingly contact him.

Oh yeah it’s all gone.

Without going into a word for word account of what was said and not said and not done and done, it’s very difficult to actually judge the situation as I’ve left bits out, not intentionally.

What’s happened doesn’t make him a bad person but the reason I cooled it off was because I’m not ready to be with anyone and felt he was too good to be put up with my stresses.

You’re reading it all that I got dumped and that he made the decision. We had an adult convo face to face and agreed to give both some space it’s what we both wanted.

There has been communication back and forth until this last week, I suggested dinner he didn’t reply, one more message was sent and then nothing from my end. He had the opportunity to say “no sorry I don’t want to” but he didn’t do making out I’m deranged and Physco is a little harsh tbh along with all the other names.

After saying and doing all the stuff he did I thought he would atleast let me know he didn’t want to see each other again, he made himself out to be a gentleman with manners and morals. Matching with my mate on tinder isn’t really the issue it’s just as he’s on there that he wants to date other people, that’s fine, just would have been nice to let me know instead of just hoping I’d “get the hint”.

Just come out and say it, it’s a lot easier than ignoring someone.