Bulls*it & blocked

[SM2018]

Morning guys,

Hope the snow isn’t causing too much chaos for you all.

Bit of a rant post and I just need some handholding I think, just some conformation I’ve done the right thing.

So basically, fell in love with a boy 🙄 happened all very fast, both of us got cold feet, he asked for couple months to get himself straight with work and new House... all fine, I needed some space to get my head straight aswell and come to terms with how incredible this man was and how not to mess it up.

However

Couple messages went back and forth over last few weeks, I suggested going for dinner and by the end of it all I wasn’t getting any response and had been ghosted.

Fast forward a couple more weeks and I sent a perfectly polite message saying if he’s not interested and doesn’t want to see me again can he just tell me straight. Again no answer.

So last night after several bottles of wine while having a laugh with my mates one of them stumbled across him on tinder... swiped right... they matched...

I called him out on it saying

“Matching with my best mate on tinder, after swearing on your nephews life I was the girl of your dreams isnt cool. So wanted to believe you weren’t a f*ck boy”

(He’s very very close with said nephew by the way)

And then I get blocked just for calling him out on his shitty behaviour... I’m glad I’ve made him feel bad but don’t like being mean and not liked because I believe there is a reason behind the way people act, try not to jump to conclusions but I’ve given him sooooooo many opportunities to prove me wrong.

Just a bit of a crappy situation all round but I’m trying to be more true myself and not put up with crappy people.

Gutted but obvs not meant to be 😣.

Would you guys have done the same???

I agree that if somebody swore something on their child or nephew's life that would really turn me off. I'd say what a bizarre thing to say. You're either going to keep your word or you're not going to keep your word but please don't ''swear on'' your nephew's life that you're not a liar. Don't bring your nephew/child in to it. Behave. Don't behave. But swearing on a child's life.

I don't think he did anything wrong other than decide he wasn't interested in you.

At least by not engaging with you anymore he isn't stringing you along, which would be much worse.

I don't think you've made him feel bad I think he just got fed up of you hassling him.

Also anyone that 'swears on someone's life' sounds about 12 years old.

It sounds to me like you haven't been 'together' for a month or two or even in contact, so, effectively, you're both single. He's moved on, just hasn't told you outright (which is shitty), but left you to conclude you're over by his behaviour.

Onwards and upwards.

But to be honest, and sorry for all of the repeat posts! I now think it's not so much that men ''lie'' per se, often it's that they don't know themselves well enough to piece together a pattern. Their feelings are so intense and they have no emotional intelligence and they believe in the feelings, not remembering 'hang on, this happened ten times in the last five years and I'm still single'' so each time they see a blank canvas upon which to project their fantasy woman and then you become real as they get to know you. Often they ghost you when you KNOW THEM. Honestly I've only been ghosted once but it was after I witnessed him lose his cool so I think he ghosted me when he could no longer see his vision of his better self through my eyes, cos I knew. Does that make sense!? It's just that I read a lot about it all on line afterwards and things began to make sense. Now a man professing his certainty about me would just turn me off even if it felt right for me too in the moment. I know myself well enough to know that i don't know how I"ll feel in six weeks time and a mature man should know that too. The secret is to learn from every bumpy lesson and just naturally get turned off next time you get a sniff of that.

And OLD is just infested with this particular type of man

I'm not saying all men are like this, no man knows his feelings. But if you're OLDing then the net will catch this type. Throw them back in.

It does make me shudder when women say the are "all or nothing" girls. Its not so much a promise as a threat. If a man said that to me that I'd just started dating/not actually dated yet I'd assume he was going to be a possessive nightmare with nothing else going on in his life. What does being an "all or nothing" girl actually mean anyway? What are the positives of calling yourself this??

I might've done that when I was 20, I wouldn't do it now. Ghosting isn't nice, but it's a very clear message indeed.

The trouble with 'calling people out' (hates that phrase) is that it doesn't make them rethink their behaviour, it just makes them write you off as a psycho. Sorry.

And yeah, "I swear on X's life" is something people only say when they're lying. What does it even mean? "If I am wrong I will hunt down x and kill them"? Riiight.

The only way to respond to ghosting is by not responding at all, anything more and all you've done is lost your dignity. Before I got together with DP I had been seeing a guy for about six months, he had a lot going on at the time and would often go quiet for a few days but always got in touch to apologise, it annoyed me as it left me over thinking what I had done wrong etc, but I let it slide and didn't kick up a fuss, if he stopped texting so did I, I wasn't going to waste my time and expend emotional energy chasing someone who just wasn't that into me. After our last date he went away for a week and then went silent and didn't reply to a text for almost two months. I didn't text him again as the fact he couldn't be bothered to respond to me asking how he was showed exactly how he really felt. When he did eventually text me back, I was on a fourth date with now DP. His loss not mine.

OP, if someone ghosts you again try not to let it hold power over you, the non-communication speaks volumes, and you are worth more than someone who can't even be bothered to text that they don't want to see you again. Having a go at them results in you looking foolish and over invested

No I wouldn’t have done the same because I’d have realised what “I need a few months to sort my head out” means (hint: it means you’re dumped). I’d also have realised that if I needed a few months to come to terms with how amazing a guy was and how to not mess it up, I was in way too deep with a guy who wasn’t that into me (I wouldn’t be feeling insecure if he was) and I’d have stepped back. I’d also know what being ghosted meant and wouldn’t have bothered messaging again. And I agree that it’s seriously weird he would swear on his nephew’s life that you were the only for him, that conversation should have set off all sorts of alarm bells.

The problem is that in his head you broke up months ago and in your head it’s only been a matter of days. Yes swiping right on your friend is a bit for most women but as he thinks you’ve been over for months, he hasn’t really done anything wrong. I strongly suspect that far from feeling bad, he probably thinks he’s had a lucky escape.

In the future I think you’d be better off if you try to listen to what they’re saying (or not saying in the case of ghosting) instead of what you want them to have said.

That all sounds harsher than I’d intended, I’m sorry for that. I do understand why you did it and if you feel better for it then good for you.

I'm not sure he did anything wrong sounds like he liked you, persued you, gave it go and then for whatever reason decided it wasn't for him.we can all change our mind.
If you both decided to call it a day and get yourselves sorted why shouldn't he be on tinder matching with who ever he wants. He may not even have realised it was your friend. Sometimes faces all blur into one on these dating sites.
It doesn't sound like he ghosted you just that he didn't see the point of continuing contact after you had already decided to give it a rest.
Tbh you can call it 'calling him out on his shitty behaviour ' but I think from his POV, in this situation, I would be thinking leave me alone, stop hassling me, we're not together I can do whatever I choose.
BTW you say you freaked, was trying not to mess it up and that it was all too much for your head. If someone was showing those signs that soon in the dating stage I wouldn't be interested in taking it further either, I would think it's nothing but drama.
If that's really how you feel then maybe you should just concentrate on being single for a bit.

I can’t believe you’d do that, do you have no pride or dignity?

No, I, as a grown up, would not have done the same. It sounds like you weren't actually IN a relationship despite all your trying. He clearly did not want to be with you.

What’s a shit bird??

A bird

On this forum we call women women. Or at least we should.

Love makes you do stupid things sometimes

I was love bombed recently by a bloke on OLD. He decided he didn't want a relationship and wanted to be my fuck buddy!! I msg back calling him a few choice names so he msg back saying there was no need to be nasty but blocked me from replying. So, I msg him from my son's phone and immediately blocked him! Childish maybe but gave me great satisfaction
The only downside is that I still think about him and the things he said. Convinced me we were right for each other.
Best advice is to not put all your eggs in one basket, date a few at a time. It really helps in not getting too emotionally involved until YOU feel ready.

OP, do you really believe that if he liked you a lot, he would suggest not seeing you for a few months? How can you not see that as a brush off?

I'm genuinely

thirdtimelucky when he was busy convincing you you were right for each other, where were you in this? What were your thoughts? Or are just a bystander??

Sorry to be blunt op but you sound very naive with dating, you also sound a bit full on in that you expect him to care and feel bad, I don't think he will. At best he will feel embarrassed I should imagine. He has lead you on and it was nasty, but it sounds early days and the very clear signals are there that he no longer wishes to carry on seeing you. You can't drag it out of him, he's obviously lacking a back bone and darent put you straight. I'm not sure why you tried to catch him out on Tinder, it's all a bit creepy as if you haven't herd from someone in weeks you were far from in a relationship. I'm gonna be brutal here, you need to stop demanding answers and respect yourself by walking away.

Oh wowie

I don’t think calling me a “shit bird” is particularly nice thing to do considering you don’t know the full circumstances?!

What happened to sisterhood...

No one has trapped anyone on tinder, since we split a few weeks ago messages have gone back and forth on both sides I suggested meeting up once and didn’t get a response. I didn’t chase or persist or loose my dignity, I kept calm and called him out on not being upfront and honest with me when he matched with my friend last night.

I don’t blame him for being on there that’s not the bit that annoys me, If he didn’t want to see me then fine just say so. I really don’t see what is so terrible about being open and communicating with each other especially when you spent a lot of time together. I see it as a sign of intelligence and maturity.

It’s my mistake for beliving he was as decent as he made out to be so I feel crap enough about as it is without any help thanks.

All this ghosting stuff is stupid and I wouldn’t dream of doing it to someone as I believe everyone deserves an explanation.

Being open and communicating is great when you're in a relationship but he was not obliged to explain anything to you.

He may not have acted in the best way but his actions were telling you all you needed to know.

God how childish.

His actions in ignoring you showed you how much he cared about you and wanted you, I.e. not at all.

Should have kept your dignity and blocked him and moved on, not contacted him flipping out and showing him how desperate you were for him!

Easily done in the moment when you're young and immature but as you get older I hope you'll figure out how to handle things like this with some dignity.

Also when someone wants two months at the start to 'get their head straight' or whatever, that means it's not working for them. You let it go and move on to see others not hang around waiting.

Also no. You didn't hurt him. In his mind he'll think he's had a lucky escape and be relieved he didn't take it any further! You'll become an anecdote amongst his friends for months to come.

Learn to accept a brush off and you'll fare much better with dating and less drama will find you.