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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Bulls*it & blocked

114 replies

SM2018 · 03/03/2018 09:57

Morning guys,

Hope the snow isn’t causing too much chaos for you all.

Bit of a rant post and I just need some handholding I think, just some conformation I’ve done the right thing.

So basically, fell in love with a boy 🙄 happened all very fast, both of us got cold feet, he asked for couple months to get himself straight with work and new House... all fine, I needed some space to get my head straight aswell and come to terms with how incredible this man was and how not to mess it up.

However

Couple messages went back and forth over last few weeks, I suggested going for dinner and by the end of it all I wasn’t getting any response and had been ghosted.

Fast forward a couple more weeks and I sent a perfectly polite message saying if he’s not interested and doesn’t want to see me again can he just tell me straight. Again no answer.

So last night after several bottles of wine while having a laugh with my mates one of them stumbled across him on tinder... swiped right... they matched...

I called him out on it saying

“Matching with my best mate on tinder, after swearing on your nephews life I was the girl of your dreams isnt cool. So wanted to believe you weren’t a f*ck boy”

(He’s very very close with said nephew by the way)

And then I get blocked just for calling him out on his shitty behaviour... I’m glad I’ve made him feel bad but don’t like being mean and not liked because I believe there is a reason behind the way people act, try not to jump to conclusions but I’ve given him sooooooo many opportunities to prove me wrong.

Just a bit of a crappy situation all round but I’m trying to be more true myself and not put up with crappy people.

Gutted but obvs not meant to be 😣.

Would you guys have done the same???

OP posts:
LimonViola · 03/03/2018 12:50

Just read your recent post, doesn't sound like you stayed calm and maintained your dignity at all. You'd been drinking and then contacted him to call him a fuck boy and made it clear how much he'd hurt you:

Matching with my best mate on tinder, after swearing on your nephews life I was the girl of your dreams isnt cool. So wanted to believe you weren’t a fck boy”*

How old are you OP? If you're still in your teens I can understand this behaviour, but any older you have issues!

Someone who's brushed you off after a few weeks of dating doesn't owe you anything.

Original poster
SM2018 · 03/03/2018 12:55

Some of you have such a way with words, thank you so much for the support.

I just think that rather trying to point out the obvious mistakes and down falls I’ve made and flaws in my character why don’t you try and offer some words of wisdom and support.

At the end of the day I had fallen for a guy who wasn’t true to himself or me, all I ask for from anyone my friends included is honesty, if they’re not or if I’m not feeling something then I just say so, which I did.

OP posts:
Original poster
SM2018 · 03/03/2018 12:58

Everyone’s dealing with their own stuff, what happened to being nice? It really doesn’t cost anything and then it spares all this heartache and upset from everyone.

OP posts:
helenvellyn · 03/03/2018 12:59

OP you asked if you had done the right thing, and others are saying that you didn't really and that no we wouldn't have acted the same way.

This is wisdom and advice. Next time if someone is ghosting you, that is an answer and an indication of their feelings towards you.

Forget it and move on.

Crazybunnylady123 · 03/03/2018 13:01

Sm2018. I get you. I am an all or nothing girl, it’s not being about being possessive at all. It’s wanting a lasting honest relationship with no shit. But you sound like you fell fast and didn’t read the signs. This guy was a jerk move on and keep searching. Chin up.

Original poster
SM2018 · 03/03/2018 13:04

Thank you crazy...123 yes you’ve hit the nail on the head there.

OP posts:
LimonViola · 03/03/2018 13:07

The last paragraphs of all three of my replies are my wisdom to you OP. Did you read them? Will you take any of it on board for next time?

PriaMaicel · 03/03/2018 13:08

Should of just took the hint that he did not want anything to do with you. You've just made yourself sound unhinged.

Original poster
SM2018 · 03/03/2018 13:12

Yes I did ask for advice but I didn’t ask for being called naive, immature, childish, shit bird etc etc

For all anyone could know I could have had a series of abusive relationships and this last one could have been the first time I’ve found anyone I trusted enough to let into my life.

All I ask for is honesty, if you’re not feeling it just say instead of just disappearing because to be honest in my eyes that’s childish and immature. Calling someone out on shitty behaviour isn’t a bad thing surely.

If you ghost the ghoster then surely the cycle will be repeated and that ghoster will think it’s ok to treat the next person the same.

OP posts:
Alabama3 · 03/03/2018 13:14

he swore on his nephews life?
without meaning to sound harsh are you sure he's old enough to be in a relationship?

Alabama3 · 03/03/2018 13:14

like you say in your title, block (and move on)

seventh · 03/03/2018 13:19

Besides the ghosting bit would no one call someone out on their behaviour if it bothers you?

I have done in the hope that it will get their attention and we might get back in touch again.

It never works.

  1. If they are ghosting you they couldn't give a toss what you think
  1. No one changes who they are and what they're doing just because you think they should
  1. Calling someone out and then being ignored is utterly pointless and soul destroying
helenvellyn · 03/03/2018 13:29

I think you only 'called him out' because you tried to get a reaction or a response but it still didn't happen which is why you're so mad now.

How did you know you were blocked anyway? Presumably you tried to contact him again and couldn't?

Original poster
SM2018 · 03/03/2018 13:33

I’m not mad about it, I’m not a particularly angry person more hurt than anything and I just think I would be annoyed at myself if I didn’t stick up for what I believe in.

I haven’t tried to contact him I didn’t want him to reply I wanted to just get my point across that not being honest about seeing each other again even though he fed me a load of BS about staying in touch isn’t cool.

I’ve blocked him on WhatsApp so can’t see profiles and that.

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 03/03/2018 13:34

he was quite clear in ignoring you OP.. you had your answer way back after the Dinner texts Flowers

ginch · 03/03/2018 13:36

It's hard lessons all the way with online dating OP.

Talks cheap, the cheaper they are, the more they talk. Look beneath the words, look at what they actually do.

Not many men people are as straightforward as you OP, be wary.

Original poster
SM2018 · 03/03/2018 13:37

It’s just a shitty way to go about it, I expected more from him, I very much treat people the way in which I would want to be treated, open, honestly and with respect and I certainly would want anyone to pick me up on my behaviour and tell me I’ve been out of order if I had been.

I gave him an opportunity to say he’s out for good and I would have had more respect for him if he had just said then that he’s not feeling it rather than making me feel so Insecure about the whole situation.

It wouldn’t have hurt anyone’s feelings and we could have carried on with our lives without any bad feeling.

OP posts:
Original poster
SM2018 · 03/03/2018 13:38

We met through a mutual friend.

OP posts:
Original poster
SM2018 · 03/03/2018 13:39

“
Talks cheap, the cheaper they are, the more they talk. Look beneath the words, look at what they actually do. ”

I like that, it certainly rings true x

OP posts:
JessieMcJessie · 03/03/2018 13:45

I’m struggling to imagine a conversation between any two people over the age of 12 that goes:
“You’re the girl of my dreams”
”Ooh, really? Blush”
“yes, I swear on my nephew’s life”.

As an actual grown up the “swearing on his nephew’s life” would not have made me feel all sure and reassured me, it would have sent me running from a man-child who talks like that!

Perendinate · 03/03/2018 13:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Perendinate · 03/03/2018 13:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ScreamingLevitation · 03/03/2018 13:53

"all or nothing girl"

I don't really get this. There will always be a grey area in the beginning of a relationship, when you think you like them so far but haven't got to know them properly yet. There's nothing wrong with taking your time and people have the right to change their mind.

I would say the honeymoon period of a relationship is at least the first six months, then six months - two years you really are still getting to know each other. And of course people and circumstances continue to change over time...

If you think someone is perfect, you don't know them yet. You're getting closer to love when you know what their imperfections are and can work around them, as they can work around yours.

You did say in your OP that you both got cold feet. Honestly, I think your pride was hurt that he didn't want to pursue a relationship, and then doubly so when he appeared to prefer your friend, which is why you lashed out at him. Understandable, but not very dignified. Let it go.

He did tell you he wasn't feeling it, a couple of months ago by the sound of it.

ScreamingLevitation · 03/03/2018 13:54

Agree, Perendinate.

heartbroken40 · 03/03/2018 14:02

Perendinate I am exactly like you (I guess disturbed too). And I can also say another thing: in 90% of the cases if you ignore them they will come back at some point...