NC Dignity Club part 8: still wearing our crowns

[MyGastIsFlabbered]

Hopefully nobody else has started a thread, if so feel free to ignore this one

Bloody you've done brilliantly to get to day 30, this is my day 8 and I feel a long way off where you are. The limbo they create in your life is so unsettling and yet addictive, the article with the rat lever study made a lot of sense to my feelings. A big step is recognising whatever the relationship is, it isn't good for us.

seshi I really admire you getting back out there and going on dates, even if you still don't feel fully ready yet I can definitely understand the old 'Fake it til you make it' thinking.

Ravens Closure is a big thing I have on my mind right now. Due to his circumstances/the relationship discovery I know he's being watched pretty closely and all his correspondents are being monitored. This week I received a phone call from his best mate on his behalf, writing it down makes me feel a bit juvenile, that the whole relationship has become a circus with an ensemble cast if that makes sense. All I really want is to communicate once and for all with him to understand what's going to happen in my future. Of course I have the control to unilaterally make my futures decisions, and deep down I know he won't leave so why am i waiting around for him to torture me.

Day 8.

Bloody
Your post about closure and NC wanting meet etc. Has really hit home to me that there's really nothing my NC can say that will change anything. He to declared feelings he had no right to given his circumstances. Nothing has changed. I want something he isn't free to give to me. So it's time let it go. Yesterday and the days previous i would have been responding to the NC text quick smart. Something has changed though i don't feel the overwhelming need to respond. i think i may just shoot of a text to let him know i'm ok but that as nothing has changed there's no point continuing with contact. Do i want to be with him still yes but it's not going to happen. I can't be the OW i deserve better and as he isn't prepared or can't offer more i'm moving on. I'm hurting still but it's for the best.

Happy Mothers Day everyone My 8yr old just gave me the most beautiful note telling me how much he loves me.

Also had a lovely exchange with NC this morning, not of feelings but more personal stuff which was nice.

Bloody huge well done on Day 30. Your clarity is really shining through.

Seshi sounds like a lovely distraction. It's a shame you felt nothing. Would you give it another chance?

Oliking what are you going to Do?

How was your day Oldbrook?

Hi Ravens, Ginger, My, Belonger, Basseting, Teens, Ginger

I agree with closure. It definitely doesn't exist.

Oliking I would say to you - don't send that text . You are not Ok so why say it ? Let him feel less guilty ? Your best answer is no response at all . This is toxic contact , dragging it on and you know it . Take it from me because that was me in January and Feb . Be strong x

Oldbrook you've really come full circle if you're starting to pity him. Another thing that struck me about your NC was that he seems to be very rigid in what he sees as the ideal relationship and no manoeuvre for people who may be divorced/separated etc. It shows a level of emotional immaturity and this manic running around looking for the one smacks of a bit of desperation on his part.

How are things with your exH?

With regards your question about me meeting NC. I'd be getting the truth out of him and see where we go from there. He is very honest and genuine in a 1:1 situation. Very easy to read.

Fleece forgive me but what's your back story again?

Oliking I agree with Bloody. You're not okay and by not responding you are in control. He knows your feelings on the matter and unless he texts saying something has changed then there is no point.

NK
I don't think i'm going to do anything. Just try to move on. It's time to let go of the hope etc. I'm only hurting myself long term. The whole thing is as bloody says toxic. I deserve someone in my life who give me what i want need etc. Hard as it. I have to let him go.

Oliking I'm not in a dissimilar situation except there have been no declaration of feelings.

Do you think he'll change his mind or is he very clear about his position?

Bloody
I know all you say is right and no i won't respond. Why prolong the hurt what is the point...No i'm no ok but i will be. Thank you x

Happy mother's day dear mums! [Flowers]

Hope your kids are spoiling you today with affection 😁

No he won't change his mind or position despite how unhappy he is and that he loves me it's not enough apparently. Why because of bloody money he doesn't want lose half of what he's worked for in a divorce. And i won't be the OW so that's where we are. Shit isn't it.

Sorry NK I don't think Ive actually put it all out there.

Met him through work about 3/4 years ago, instantly got on well with lots in common, I developed feelings about 2.5 years ago and have done pining from a far with lots of mutual flirting, although Ive had background relationships in that time too. Over the last 6 months my feelings seemed to intensify and we became closer with an incredible spark. Seeing him was the highlight of my day, he would say he'd only come in to my place of work to see me.

I suppose at this point I should put the relevant detail of him being married with a young child, in a highly toxic relationship. They both use alcohol as a crutch and argue continuously (as a side note I'm also aware his wife has been unfaithful to him, something Ive not told him about but I think has contributed to giving me a green light in allowing myself to go through with this.)

From January time we've began texting, the L word is being used pretty freely. I know we are compatible, I know we'd be happy together in mundane life, I know regardless of me he should be alone rather than in the marriage he's in, I know ultimately my main wish is wanting him to be happy.

Three weeks ago we foolishly slept together after a drunken night out. I always said the two things I wouldn't do was sleep with him or ask him to leave. His wife found out, Ive been warned to stay away. 8 days ago his wife read messages between us, she's furious with me and clinging to him desperately. I know she's monitoring his movements and everything he does, seized his phone etc.
I think his feelings are genuine, I think he's got no balls to step out there without me asking him to leave her, something Ive always said I didn't want to do.

Gosh that's quite a ramble, it's all so fresh for me still Ive just purged the information out!

Oliking there are many aspects to these situations - some people think that "love conquers all" as if that is ALL that matters BUT the reality of life consists of multiple aspects : letting other people down and lack of financial ability to do so are 2 of the main ones. In addition , you could also say that they lack the balls to make that move too . There is no doubt that some of these men have serious feelings ( it takes a total sociopath to have sex over and over again with someone and not have any feelings for them - I read that so it must be true - but it is just not enough for them) . They compartmentalise and really do forget about their "real life " when they are with you . They start to think about alternatives but they can't follow through and yes they do want to have their cake and eat it . What you need to remember is that you can go on to new things whereas he has to stay in his obviously flawed situation . Besides would you want to be full time in a relationship with a man who has lied to his wife ? You would never be able to trust him . Have you ever asked yourself " Has he done this before ?" or "Am I the only one he is seeing on the side ?" It goes with the territory . He can be asking if you are OK for any number of reasons e.g. he does care or he is scared you are going to blow him out of the water . You never really know. x

Fleece gosh what a crap situation to be in and you are not in control,it's like you have no say:it's all up to him and her.

Like somebody is taking away from you your happiness in an instant.

But the thing is: she knows, they definitely had a talk and they decided to work on things.

You need to let it go, stop accepting any communication , even through his mate . It's very difficult to let go but you must, for your own sanity..

Fleece

"I know ultimately my main wish is wanting him to be happy." Your main wish should be for yourself to be happy !

NK Oldbrook* I always love your sense of calm and certainty about things although I understand you won't be like that all the time

I do believe his feelings for me a true and real. i just don't think ultimately he has as you say the balls to act on them. We both come from fairly deprived poor backgrounds and ultimately have both gone on to improve our life in terms of financial security. It's always been a big thing to him be secure financially he's probably more secure than i am in that aspect but it really doesn't matter to me. I'd live in a shack on the river with him if that's what it took. I know him and can read him pretty well. We probably would've made a good life together all those years ago but a lot of things all those years ago played out in a way we had no control over. Letters from him were kept from me and the same happened on his end. He came looking for me again when in our early twenties and my mother didn't tell me. I know it sounds stupid and silly but he was always the one that i lost. Even when i battled my almost life ending illness i wanted nothing more than to see him again. Crazy i know.

Fleece please for your own sanity let him go. I know how you feel i really do. It's so hard to let go. I get that but if he won't or can't leave nothing but hurt will come. I've been dealing with it for 18 months now. It's shit but ultimately we deserve better. Hugs to you.x

Thank you for the messages. Ive left my workplace and started a new job so I know what I need to do, and I'm just going through the motions of implementing my check list of things to do.

It's just the feelings that we're left to deal with, not so simple to check list. I have this feeling of being stranded in a little rubber dinghy floating around on the waves of the sea afraid, going up and down through the emotions between anger/sadness/acceptance. What I need is the perspective of time to span out on the picture, and to realise I'm not in the middle of the sea at all, just a few yards away from the safe shore, but I'll probably have to get my feet wet and walk myself over there as no one else is going to to do it for me. I need to take back control.

Fleece yes the feelings are the hardest to checklist. I too get that you want NC to be happy because i want that for my NC too. I know his not but ultimately that's up to him. I have said to NC all along that with or without me i want him to be happy. Yes you do need to take back control.

Thank you ladies for all support
I know without this i would have easily stepped back on the on merry go round. I haven't responded and don't intend to do so. Hard as that is. I love him i know that but it's not going to come to anything. Thank you again. x

Just wanted to wish all your Luvvverly Lot a
Happy Mothering Sunday
(whether we have kids or not we have all done some 'mothering/caring' in our time I bet!).x