NC Dignity Club part 8: still wearing our crowns

[MyGastIsFlabbered]

Hopefully nobody else has started a thread, if so feel free to ignore this one

I've ordered the Bitch book too Oldbrook! One of the first things I said after my first date with NC is that I wouldn't play games, if I wanted to contact him I would, and he said the same. I realise though that I made myself too available and he took the piss, it was all on his terms.

I'm seeing his issues in sharper focus as well, the problems he has and will continue to have etc. Does anyone else have that? I keep thinking about his issues too, he is clearly narcissistic and probably codependent too, from my reading around that. But part of the healing from codependency is about not trying to diagnose/heal others so I'm trying to keep my focus off him and what he needs to do to be better. Not my circus any more, not my monkeys.

While I'm aware of his issues, unless he is able to see them and heal himself I know he's no use to me. And the likelihood of a narc accepting that about themselves and trying to change is pretty slim.

Wow NC has just texted me? asking how i am. I haven't replied as i'm unsure what to say or even if i shpuld reply at all.

Morning lovelies... I tried to post on the train last night but my phone was playing up. So had a nice date. No awkward silences, lots of laughter and had a cheeky snog at the end but physically I did not really feel it... I just ended up sitting on the train thinking about NC. Didn't hear from him yesterday although my message is still undelivered which makes me think that his phone is still not working. I am going to get busy today.... Gym this morning, shops this afternoon.... And try not to phone him until Tuesday.... The last conversation I had with him I said we need to talk about the gig.
So there we go... That bloody idiot is still in my head!

What are everyone else's plans today..?

Wow oliking so by going NC you have taken some of the control back - well done!
Take your time to decide what is best for you (not what you might want).

Morning all!

Day 17 NC - I’m almost losing count! Still think about him too much, even just dreamt about him! But barely spoke about him yesterday to my friends.

Everyone’s stories here really help, the inspirational quotes and links to articles. Thank you. Hope everyone has a strong positive day today

@belonger another fab quote. Self love is the key but it's actually hard to put into practice.

Ravens
It's really taken me by surprise to be fair. I had thought i wouldn't hear from him again. I expect he will be wondering why he's had no response as i've always answered immediately unlike him who could sometimes go for a day or two. The exact text is how are you? I'm worried because i haven't heard from you for ages. Let me know you are ok. Plz.x
Not sure how i feel now. I thought i'd be thrilled but strangely i just feel unsure what to do. I don't want to get dragged back in and on the merry go round again. However i have somethings i need ask and speak to him about to close the door and move on.

Oldbrook i don't know i've been staring at the phone for a while now. This could be the only chance i get to ask him what i need to. Part of me is happy he his seeking me out but another is luck oh shit he we go again....But as Raven said i do have some control atm.

Think i'm going to go for walk with the dog. ( No phone) and clear my head. I need to be sure how i respond and protect me.

Seshi glad you enjoyed the date, bit of distraction for a while!
Raven I dreamt about my NC too, day 17 is amazing! My NC text me again last night at 10pm about getting my car out of his garage. Told him to drop the car to my house and put the keys through the letter box, so that I don't have to see him! I couldn't sleep after that, it makes me a mess when he texts me! I need to be back in control!
Oliking good idea about the dog walk, clear your head and then decide perhaps?

oliking If you have questions you really do need to resolve that’s fine, but I read a helpful article about ‘closure’.

We don’t need ‘closure’ it’s just an excuse to keep in touch. He won’t answer your questions the way you want, or he’ll say something inconsistent which will just have you questioning more, and the thought you get one chance in the ‘closure’ conversation to change his mind is stressful, and ultimately unsatisfying when it doesn’t work. It doesn’t matter why he dumped you/is behaving like he is. Accept it and that his reasons are his however unreasonable/ unfair. I have found this helped me not think too much about why it happened and hence not beat myself up for it being anything I did (and not go down the whole apologising and promising to be different). (I’m still doing a lot of thinking - but just not about this aspect of my break-up!)

One thing I have learnt since NC got back in touch is that its so quick to get back on that roller coaster of emotions... Going NC is hard, sad, and painful but at least you are in control!!! I am back on the roller coaster now and it's taking up every thought in my head... In my head I need to see if he comes to the gig with me... There is a part of me that thinks and hopes it was fate that got me those tickets... But if he does not come I am walking away forever and deleting every trace of him

@seshi it's the hope that's the killer though isn't it? That this time it'll be different x

@ginger yes its the hope. Did you see that fabulous Ted talk someone posted on here last week? In it the guy said that the biggest hinderence in getting over someone is hope... I have hope again and it's definitely reversing all the progress I have made since coming on here. Although I am not reaching for my phone in the insanely obsessive way I did before. Its good to have you back @ginger BTW xxx

Ravens I agree with that statement about closure - the only person we get closure from is ourself , in our own mind .

Closure is something that crosses all of our minds I am sure - twice I had agreed to meet NC for him to "explain" his situation ( he wanted to ) and twice I cancelled as I knew there was no point . I would just want to be with him as we had been before . It was dragging it all out . There was nothing he could say that could give me closure and anyway why would I even believe him ? He had lied to me for 7 months ( about the fact that he was married ) Why would he say anything relevant or true then? He still wanted to be friends . He was probably trying to keep me sweet and have a clean and tidy ending . There are questions that I still have but there is no point in asking them.

This is Day 30 of NC today . He won't chase me due to his situation and I never expected him to . That's not why I did this . I did this to stop me pining after him and keeping on sending him messages that would try to extend our connection . Has it worked ? I'm not there 100% but definitely it is getting easier . I have emerged from what was a toxic relationship , where I was obsessed 24/7 by this guy and yes it was my brain that did it - that became addicted to him. Yes he manipulated me by his use of texting to bond me to him especially when he knew that I was out socialising or on holiday or even with my family. He manipulated me by declaring feelings to me that he was not entitled to say given his circumstances. Despite this he has no hesitation in ending it when I voiced the above. He said that he was doing it for me .

So that is where we are today . Of course he is still on my mind . It was a hugely intense physical and mental relationship . I need to gather myself up and get on with my life which seems like it has a gaping hole in it BUT that gaping hole was full of uncertainty, waiting , crying , wanting what I couldn't have , excusing him, analysing him , thinking about the next time or the last time , basically putting myself last and him first . I feel a sense of calm currently and I know I am worth more than that .

Sorry for the extended rambling !

seshi glad the date went OK and was at least a diversion . Yes I imagine it is soooo easy to get sucked back in .

@Bloody huge congratulations on getting to day 30...its such a milestone... !! I know that you are still struggling in some areas but you have come so far!!! Everything you say resonates with me...! You do deserve someone who will cherish you but in the mean time go out and recreate that fabulous vivacious version of you that needs to come back again... I am super proud of you... X go get yourself a treat today xx

Can I also wish all of you a happy mother's day

bloody That’s not rambling - it’s extremely eloquent. I hope I can have that clarity of mind by day 30. Well done for taking control and putting yourself first!

Fabulous achievement bloody! Wow, what a brilliant message you've written there, so full of realism and empowerment. I admire you so much.

As seshi says, do something lovely for you today, whether that's buying yourself something or just finding a bit of time to yourself and remind yourself how fab you are.

and huge bunches of from me

I should have added a HUGE Thanks to everyone in this group for their support and sharing their stories and thoughts too . I don't know what I would have done without everyone x and Happy Mother's Day to all the Mums.