NC Dignity Club part 8: still wearing our crowns

[MyGastIsFlabbered]

Hopefully nobody else has started a thread, if so feel free to ignore this one

Mrs Grylls
I feel your pain my NC is also married. I know it's best things end. My situation was an EA nothing physical although the want was there. It's been so hard and still is to be honest. Like others have said what does he bring to your life that could possibly be positive. I keep asking myself the same thing and honestly nothing but hurt will come that's the head telling me this. The heart well that's taking a while to catch up. Hugs for you it's not easy I know.

This just came up on my FB Newsfeed.

He has said that but that is a long way off and so I’m not hanging on to that at all. I believe my feelings for him are so rooted in my vulnerability and misery with my current life that it’s likely that my desire for it not to end is more about not wanting to go back to what I had before he was in my life. I don’t know. If we were both single I would definitely want to try and see how it went but there are also aspects of his personality that concern me. He has ended it many times but the working together and the genuine feelings of affection and a very strong attraction mean that we keep rekindling it and finding reasons to speak to each other and then it’s back on until the next time.

MrsGrylls I wonder if the other man represents escape and that your feelings for him could actually be for anyone who showed you a way out of your difficult home life? I know when I was married to my XH I had very strong feelings for an OM who I spent time with as a friend with our DCs. Once I divorced XH I spent a bit of time with OM and realised how unsuited we were. But seeing that there were other men out there who were not like XH gave me the push to leave my unhappy marriage.

Mrs Grylls - totally get what you are saying about a sense of dissatisfaction with your life as it is/was fuelling the desire for this man. That resonates with me too. Not sure what advice I can give but I know you can come through this.

Thank you everyone for being so kind and getting it. I’m in tears here but it’s comforting to know others have been there and come through it. YY to him being my escape. Totally. He himself has said this because he feels he’s ‘not good enough’ for me and thinks that that is my primary driver. I do think that’s part of it but at the same time I long for a life with this man. To go home with him and cook dinner, watch TV. Normal unglamorous stuff but stuff I never get to do at home because there’s no love here. It’s hard to separate which feelings are for him and which are to do with escape. Either way I’m clinging on for dear life because I don’t want my old life, the one in which he was just a colleague.

And I should say my DH is a lovely person. He doesn’t deserve what im doing and he can’t really help much of what has torn us apart.

Well I am at a low point. After my last few posts about how NC has lessened his grip on my thoughts and that I felt freer and happier etc, I have now massively relapsed. I am back to sadness and tears and he is on my thoughts all the time. I am back to feeling very very upset that he's moved on.

I am actually thinking of resurrecting things with the farmer, if I haven't burnt my bridges there. As whilst there are many issues there, he really was helping me move on from NC. I thought and hoped I was strong enough on my own but I don't think I am.

ThePartingLass, these things don’t always go in a straight line, there are ups and downs. Don’t feel like the farmer is your only option to distract yourself. Try to embrace the sadness for a while, it’s understandable and natural. Allow yourself to wallow for a bit and post on here.

Great advice Oldbrook - it’s tempting to think once you’ve fallen off the wagon all is lost, but it’s just a blip and you can reset.

Thank you so much oldbrook for taking the time to write all that. I will definitely read the article and investigate the intriguing grey rock!

Does anyone also have the link to the does he miss me article that bloody referred to?

ThePartingLass I’m sorry youre struggling at the moment. I’m sorry I’m not able to reciprocate with any advice of my own yet but sending positivity your way.

postmalesyndrome.com/does-he-miss-me-does-he-regret-what-he-did/ MrsGrylls

Thank you bloody

Theparting I think if I were to try to summarise how NC the last 29 days has gone for me it is -

panic
determination
sorrow
anger
hating
hoping
detachment
bitterness
acceptance
fear
loneliness
regret

in no particular order and more than once !

yes

Oldbrook it's too soon. Don't go

Bloody
Your post about how you've felt being NC over the 29 days is exactly how i've felt. It's a long road a feel to get through this full of ups and downs. Mine has been almost two months now. I must say however the last two weeks have been a really hard slog though. Today has been a mixed bag and it's just gone lunch time here. Locked my keys in the car outside the dentist. Lovely tradie man got them out for me then surprised me and asked if i wanted to go for a coffee. I declined but he gave me his card in case i change my mind. Don't think i will though need to sort me out before i even think about that.

Oldbrook
Yes wish mine would just do that too.

Morning all Day 16 NC here. I’ve caught up on the thread. Welcome to the new people.

I love how supportive it is here. Whatever the reason for the NC, we all know it is the only way to go. The analogy that wanting contact with you NC is wanting another fix of a drug is so true. If they are bad for you you have to give them up, and that means dealing with the withdrawal symptoms which over time will get easier.

I’m having a lovely weekend with friends who are allowing me to talk about being dumped. One has suggested I write him a letter so I’m going to do that - to write down everything I’d like to say to him. I won’t send it, but if I ever do get in touch with him it will allow me to be clear in my thoughts.

But today I am not going to talk to them about him. Time to give him less headspace today!