NC Dignity Club part 8: still wearing our crowns

[MyGastIsFlabbered]

Hopefully nobody else has started a thread, if so feel free to ignore this one

Oh thanks for the hugs. It helps a HuGE amount. xXx

An old friend was talking to me y'day and said: 'of course you've raised two kids with SEN effectively as a single parent from day 1 and with no extended family, no money, poor health and no fall back'. And I thought, wow!

I was at an ASD parents support group today and the course leader was talking about viewing yourself as a pantry and that just as you replenish your groceries as you use them you needed to replenish yourself as a parent so you could 'nurture your kids'. So true.

Yes, overloaded (arent we all?) so no wonder when he started whispering sweet nothings (as they turned out to be) I listened.

Bloody you are SO right!.x

Tomorrow when I am less knackered I am going to read back and catch up (famous last words). And give my crown a bit of a polish and put it back on (it fell off y'day). Ghosting does that I find!

bloody I totally get that, it is not pathetic at all. Did you feel better after the cry? Are you likely to bump into him when not in the protection of your car? I agree about OLD. I am too soft for it anyway and think i was secretly looking if any if my guys were on there.

NK glad you are talking about work. Although horrible that a few of you are in the same position, it mjust help that they understand. Glad H is being good about that aspect. How is he otherwise? Has he told anyone about your separation yet?

basseting more hugs from me too! I really wish we could give you more physical support. Does exH know the seriousness of upcoming op? Have you ever explained to DOM that you know he can't physically help but listening and replying helps in itself as shows he cares? Not that you should have to. It is him making it about him rather than you. Your day yesterday sounds horrendous! Has today been any easier?

oldbrook would the when you wake and late at night be spaces he filled? When is the new job? We have the opposite here, very spring like today. Lifted my mood.

Evening all - what busy lives you all lead. Great update itsa

I’m still struggling to concentrate and focus - NC always in my head. This is now affecting my work
And the nice bits about him are creeping back in. All I can hope is that the same is happening to him!

I now realise that there is a long road ahead for me. And OLD is definitely not the answer right now, no-one will compare. I have to do my 30 days, contact him, get told there’s no going back, be hurt again, go back to feeling sad and try to finally accept there’s no hope, grieve, let time take it’s course and focus on why we wouldn’t have worked anyway and on being happy in myself. That’s probably about the next 6? Months mapped out?

bloody I 100% agree. Our NC's would listen and help lift us and make all the other stuff more manageable. My escape bubble. That's how I felt anyway. Mine wanted to take me from it all. As I can't seem to solve this mess at home with H and my parents the rescuing really appealed to me. Yet, I always try to instil in my baby girl that she shouldn't rely on a man. Hypocritical.

anxious this thread gives me support like nothing else in RL, it is absolutely amazing! I am sporadic, selfish (I get 'behind' and then just post about me :( and dont contribute many deep thoughts/ good memes (I actually dont know how to link and am embarrassed to admit)
but it is just such a lovely supportive, funny, helpful warm place to be!

Today busy too so off to bed in a bit. Tomorrow is quiet so I can process a bit. Said no to the next Fri Op option as I thought I should chat it through with exH as he would have to look after kids if I died (not likely I know but someone is that 1:500) I dont have life insurance (prob too late to arrange in 4 wks???) and we dont have local / supportive family so he would really struggle. I need to think, I think. That was why I was so pissed off with myself for snivelling about DOM when there is big important shit going on for me right now! I need to give my head a good bloody wobble before crown on.

Oh Bassetting, how awful for you having to even consider those things before being able to decide on your op Will your ex be supportive if you talk about it with him? I hope you can get it sorted ASAP without issues - will it be life changing if you get it done? Sorry if you've said what it was before, the thread is so busy I miss a lot! And yes, it's tricky to respond to everyone individually, I think we all read the thread and wish each other well even if we don't say so in between posting about our own woes!

Yes! I often feel guilty when I start naming people to reply to about the ones i have missed and then the thread moves so fast again. I do read all of your posts and care about all of them.

basseting to me it makes sense you are thinking about DOM. Again, an escape from the gravity of your decision. Hope ex'H discussing it with you properly. Sorry you are even in such a situation.

ravens it sounds like a plan. I understand about giving him a chance to get the acceptance to start the grieving and healing. We are here with you. I think it is good to remember the good times as long as he doesn't end up on a pedestal.

Bassetting
1 in 500 chance is negligible really, don't give it your precious headspace.

Hope op will increase chances of greater mobility and normality so please concentrate on positives!

ITSA tell us your secret, how did you do it? I want that magic..

Bloody I probably stating the obvious but can you try actively AVOIDING areas he might be in? Just knowing YOU made that choice to avoid gives you greater control and increases confidence.

Oldbrook me too feeling down mostly in the morning and in the evenings, and always worse during stressful times, like now.

It's only human to want support and tlc from loved ones when we need it , just need to learn to look for that support elsewhere.

teens it would yes, and the surgeon seemed great. he has been doing 1 person a week for 15 yrs and has not 'lost' anyone yet. But still I worry.

I am glad I'm not the only one who struggles to keep up with the thread. It is such a bloody nice place. I know we'd all rather still be with NC's trouble free or NC perfectly and effortlessly but meantime its a great place to be. Learning lots about boundaries and heallty emotions too from all the links and examples people post. And some funny memes to keep our spirits up.

viva this thread!

Evening ladies... First chance today to have a proper catch up. Work is crazy today and I have been to yoga and watched TV with Ds. You are all sounding strong today... I am in admiration. @Bloody you especially sound like you have turned a corner... Despite the tears, sounds like you are gaining acceptance. @anxious I am like you... I worry when I can't mention everyone but this thread moves so quickly. @basseting I just want to come and stay with you and be your nanny!! You carry all this shit with so much warmth and dignity and good humour! @nk @my @ravens @belonger how are you doing my lovelies? @oldbrook I can't stress how much better I feel after running... It's so damn empowering... I started off power walking for 30 mins about four years ago and now I sprint... Its the only true time I feel free.. Do it!!
Well my NC has reached out to me today... Nothing of any significant just silly messages... But he has not done this in two months. I am child free all this weekend and desperate to see him but I think If I ask him it could blow my chances of him coming to the gig..
He has just sent me a very short message but not replying... Come on here instead x

anxious I wasn't even expecting to see his car there today . It is however a small town and it is highly likely that I will just walk into him in the course of normal business about town although it has only happened unplanned 4 times in 9 months. There is also another connection which I can't go into on here but will not likely happen for about 4 months. (Not trying to be mysterious here/just that it is public and very identifying )

At times I feel a bit of a whinger when there are people on here dealing with kids and sick kids and illness and divorce , house moves , job changes etc As someone else said you sometimes feel guilty for not mentioning everyone . I am also following all the stories x

@Bloody don't feel guilty because you think that your feelings don't deserve as much sympathy as others... Heartache is literally the worst feeling you ever aside from bereavement... It's scientifically proven. I suffered from depression and used to have this conversation with my doctor all the time....our family suffered a terrible tragedy recently and it may me think what rights do I have to mope about like I am when real awful stuff is happening... But these are our feelings and they are real... You must be kind to yourself xx

I also feel guilty about never managing to mention or respond to everyone! But please know that I send everyone good wishes and think you are all bloody fantastic.

Have just been reading interesting stuff about being ignored, it was quite validating to know that it is considered to be psychologically very difficult and painful, apparently activates the same neural areas as physical pain. Makes total sense that social creatures like humans will be wired to find being ignored unbearable (prompting them to do something about it and not be shut out of the social group which would have been so vital to survival for early humans)

Hi everyone, it’s been a while! So many threads have been filled since I’ve last been on so no way I can catch up but I hope everyone is still going strong!

I think my last update was that me and my NC were talking again. Well that didn’t last long, I started to feel a distance in his messages again and when he took 12 hours to even open my reply to him I just stopped and never replied to him again and he never messaged me.
So I got to 34 days, of absolutely no contact..no snapchats..nothing. I felt so good and I didn’t ever feel the urge to message him, I genuinely just did not want to speak to him. And it was so easy, the days flew by. I remember the first NC and I struggled every day not to reach out. And this time was different.
Until last night and I stupidly sent him a message, just a jokey one. Of course he’s read it and not replied.

I don’t know what came over me or why I let him put me back into this head space. I KNEW he wouldn’t respond and I did it anyway. What the hell.

The last time he got in touch again he was so full apologies of him ghosting me, excuses to why he did it and that it wouldn’t happen again. And boom..a leopard doesn’t change his spots.

How fucking disrespectful of him though. And rude. I wasn’t asking him to marry me.

So here I am again, day 1. I wish he would get out of my head.

Damn right Seshi
I remember having counselling in my early 20's (to deal with childhood crap) and saying: I dont have any right to be here, there is all this suffering in the world. and she said: yes, there is. BUT it doesnt matter #what happened to you to didnt, it is how much it affected you. So waht one person can manage will floor another, and vice versa. ALL that matters is that we all stay here helping each other through if we can.

(I bow down to you not msging NC back btw - you polish that crown my lovely and if we ever meet we are cracking open a bottle

Also this,

'' Ignoring or the "Silent Treatment" is a form of psychological manipulation that is used to gain power and control. A person who ignores you repeatedly when you reach out in kindness is someone who...

Does not respect you.
Is trying to manipulate you.
Wants to control you.
Is exploiting you.
Does not care about your feelings.
Is pulling a power play.
Doesn't want to be vulnerable.
Wants to keep the upper hand.  
Is selfish.
Does not feel the same way about you as you do about them.
Does not care about your relationship.
Would eventually throw you away if you didn't step-up to communicate again.
Is sending a powerful message about your worth directly to your self esteem (unconsciously).
Wants to keep you one-down while they stay one-up.
Wants you to be their fawn.
Wants to keep you like a pet, or a puppet on a string.''

@basseting two bottles!! @jesus welcome back.... We have all fallen off but we are all here to give you a helping hand back on the NC roller coaster!

Hi jesus, great to hear from you. You've done brilliantly, what an inspiration! I think you should carry on at day 35,i reckon you deserve that, it was only a blip. You deserve a in my book!

Good point Basseting, its how we feel that we're dealing with here, not what has actually happened. I don't want to trivialise it, but I have lost both my parents and divorced from the father of my DCs and yet finishing this 5 year relationship has easily been up there with those things in terms of heartache.

In some ways its even harder, as I knew I was loved by my mum and dad . I had my DCs to show for my marriage. From this situation all I have is pain and a feeling that I was never really understood

Jesus just strike it from the record and go back to day 34 - we won't tell anyone!

Sorry to be a downer but I nearly just sent this to my trueNC so just putting it here instead. It is what i miss most.

Belonger That silent treatment bullet points somehow got to me.
I remembered a conversation with my NC about situation in his life from a while ago, as in the ex he loved tried to make contact with him before he got married, tried to rekindle relationship or something along the lines.He used phrase:she went on a power trip ..that phrase struck me as very odd considering situation as I myself never think that way.

So it's entirely possible whatever he does to me now is all a power play and a sick game.

Or maybe not but possibility is there and somehow it's a very uncomfortable thought.

@anxious... Aww its not a downer its how we all feel /have felt / will feel.... Sorry that you are having a blip... We are all here for you. How brilliant that you told us instead of posting...! That's a great step and took a lot of discipline..

anxious I KNOW it's not the same but can WE give you a long hug?

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

MyRelationship yes, the pain i feel about DOM is right up there with anything too. If it has affected us that strongly we need to give enough time to grieve it before we can move on. No question.

Belonger God, that bullet point list... DOM ticks all of them

((((anxious)))) the hugs are the hardest thing aren’t they. Sex I could live without if I could have an enveloping man hug every day.

Seriously you lot need to watch Crazy Ex-Girlfriend on Netflix. I’ve been binging it all week, it’s bloody hilarious. She is all of us!!