NC Dignity Club part 8: still wearing our crowns

[MyGastIsFlabbered]

Hopefully nobody else has started a thread, if so feel free to ignore this one

Morning everyone rushing around to get back to work and school today but wanted to check in.... Will catch up properly with you all later.. But an update I sent him a message this morning to bollock him for being so rude and he has said that he is coming...

seshi remind me if this is actually a good thing - might you two actually be able to work something out or is he not really very good for you? Either way I’m pleased as you’ll have a good night (though I hope it’s all for the best)

Morning everyone, day 14 here and I'm really pleased to have reached the two week milestone again, and will def keep going, even though I had a wobbly last night for some reason and wanted to make contact, first time I've seriously considered it. Of course am really really glad I didn't! Have got used to the idea he isn't going to contact me either, we both know it should stop, so will keep going and deal with with sadnesses and occasional longings as they arise.

Sorry you're not feeling so good today bloody, I hope it's a brief cloud that passes soon. You're still talking good sense though! I'm sure the WhatsApp checking will pass in time. I guess maybe it's just a normal attachment thing, that we feel comforted by something like that. Takes time for that attachment to lessen.

Oldbrook I'm glad you feel good for emailing and being clear about no contact, good for you! Try not to read into the wink emoji, it's so easily sent. The way you are so moved by his kindness makes me a bit worried for you - do you have enough kindness generally in your life? I hate the thought that just by being kind he can make you think twice - that's a very low bar. I want you to be so accustomed to kindness from the people around you that it takes more than that to turn your head!

Well done on day 11 ravens, that's brilliant!

ravens put it really well - is it a good thing that he's going to go to the gig seshi? I hope you enjoy yourself but be careful, don't let him hurt you again.

mother it sounds like you are banging your head against a brick wall with those people. Doesn't sound like you are going to get anywhere and it's taken up a lot of emotional energy. It's hard but I would leave it alone, let them think what they want, focus you you and your child and the people around you who care about you.

I think it is clear to see the "high" effect that contact has on us . I have been there too - we all have . All it needed for me was those 3 little words ( not those ones ) - "see you soon" and I would rebound from the "I can't do this anymore " into a world of light and joy and waiting . The question is : do we live in this world where someone else is driving us but someone who is not up for a full and proper relationship ?

I'm still playing with the idea of blocking on SM but have some really great plans for the next few months (holidays etc) and like the idea of him seeing my posts. Is that a bad reason to keep them there?. In a word, yes!

I ended up editing what I was going to post on FB as I still had his family on there and thought about whether he might see it. Have deleted most of them now, but he rarely uses SM so I’m sure he won’t see anything I post. I just don’t want to give him any more head space than he already has. I think deleting yours and just enjoying all your unpcoming events without viewing it through the lens of ‘ha, this will show him!’ will do you the world of good.

Hello ladies not doing so good today had a terrible night hardly slept not sure why i'm doing so bad atm...Bloody those were the last words i heard from my NC. Not heard anything from him since Mid January. Although i know he was overseas for the last month or so. I've got it in my mind to text him on his birthday it's coming up soon. Probably a bad idea though. This is so hard and i feel so sad but i know i will feel worse if i contact NC and get no response....Is it idiotic that i keep hoping he will reach out to me?

Thank you Oldbrook i'm sure i will feel better soon. Just a rough few weeks with to much time thinking well overthinking everything. Going over conversations over and over in my head. Stupid really as it does no good.

OldBrook I LIKE your memes!

Well, its' 09.35 and I've already apologised to 3 people and am in tears.
FFS.

Dd had a school refusal. Ds refused to put suitable clothing on (walking down snowy lane in rain no coat and thin shoes, no school bag etc).
I am afraid i lost it and shouted. I feel really ashamed.
It is SO hard. When I came back i took a photo of all the iced up path/drive/car I am trying to pick my way across and the bags of trash (bins cancelled) that exH just walked away and left last night after I'd fed him etc.
Tomorrow I am supposed to do a 6 hr round train trip and dont know if dd will even go to school. Weds is autism training and dont know if she will be in so I can go.
The other apology was to school. 1 teacher there is great. But there is horrible favouritism for one family. There was a trip and both those kids were chosen and neither of mine were. so, life sucks. but i did the math and the chances of it being random were 89% against. so i had a snark. teacher tookt he huff. I apologised when what I should have said was: 'whether it was random or not, boht my kids KNEW they would not get picked and feel its because they dont deserve it so that needs addressing'. Sigh.

No wonder I cant 'do' relationships, I cant 'do' life!!!

Oliking easy for me to say but don't contact him on his birthday . He doesn't deserve it . So mid Jan ? Then you are NC as long as I am ? Or longer even as I last saw my NC mid Jan but stupidly kept myself in touch with contact for a couple of weeks after that trying to delay the inevitable . Chin up ! Even though I am a bit flat today I am not in that cycle I was in before of him contacting when he felt like it / a shag or me contacting and him sometimes not answering for a day or two .

My experience is a literal deluge of contact at times then bugger all at other times . It's how they work .

basseting it's just a shite day for you - so what ! Forget about it and let it out . There's nothing wrong with shouting at kids - it's our responsibility to create a "social person" . We can't all get down on one knee and talk in earnest to them calmly

I nearly shouted at some random child who was creating a fuss about food in a restaurant the other weekend - can you imagine !

Bloody it is, yes.
Dc are 13 and 10 but both spectrum so behind in terms of understanding plus theyve seen marriage disintegrate so not good.

exH's attitude is: he goes out and does a manual job and that is his entire 'contribution' (except maybe a 1 hour walk at w/e if he feels like it)

The fact that at this age the kids are not trained enough so that I can leave the house and work reliably too is just not a problem for him (except that I dont contribute enough).

I need to sit them down and tell them. We left 18m ago. Your Dad has not given me a penny. Benefits are tenuous at best. I need to get well, retrain, and you have to do your bit. Get dressed, go to school (with bag, coat, dinner money). Why is it so fucking hard???
And then I feel hugely guilty for being so inadequate. They didnt ask to be born. Not their fault their parents are so rubbish.

Oiking
My NC's b'day is v soon. This year, on my significant b'day he sent a card which said: 'wasnt it your b'day last year?'. Inside he'd put his initial. Crap. I found a card for him which is grey. Inside it says: 'this card is the same colour as your pubes'. (he is old and oversensitive about greyhair. Inside I have written: 'I see your cheap horrible card and I raise you. B.'

I dont know if I'll send it though!

Bassetting
Think there's too much pressure from society in general to always be cool, happy and in control of emotions and god forbid speak your mind, be assertive, stand up for your rights and upset someone in the process/make them think and inconvinience them for a moment..
Sod that!

I rarely feel guilty for those things, maybe because it's rare for me to lose my cool and if I do So, my close ones know I've had enough and actually dance around me to calm me down.

I don't think you should have apologised to school, I would just demand explanation on what basis selection was made and why random allocation of place is acceptable. It's not really random if both kids in same family get it, by being assertive and speaking your mind you might actually drive positive change in the process but by apologising you reinforce their idea about them being fair and right..Its not what you deserve...

Bassetting
Dont send that card , it would be very undignified lol
Still funny

Raise above his behaviour, tit for tat will not help anyone in long term..

Bassetting - put the card up on your mantelpiece on his birthday and snicker away! You get all the amusement and none of the grief that way.
Sorry your DCs are making your life more difficult - other than being firm and like you say, explaining to them that they have to do their bit or suffer consequences if you can't get to work etc I'm not sure what to suggest. But feel free to rant away guilt free here!

Just had an email cancelling the event in my calendar for those tickets - either he's psychic, reading this thread or stalking the friend I offered his ticket to! I'm sure its just coincidence but I'm so annoyed as I'm now shaking after getting his email and I have work to do that requires a steady hand

Basetting i'd be tempted to send the card but don't think i'd go through with it though.
Bloody same here really full on contact for weeks then just nothing. Disappears into thin air. I too was in the same cycle with contact but NC has not bothered to contact me since mid January despite saying he would call me. I haven't bothered to contact him because i know from past experience he probably won't respond or if he does it will be a short text and nothing more. No doubt he will pop up again at some point when i'm getting to a point where he's not in my head quite so much and i'm not feeling sad as much then i'm back where i started again. With the dreadful hope.... Sad i know.

Oh Seshi how do you feel about him coming?

Belonger well done on Day 14.

Sorry will catch up with everyone later. Just had to send a work email basically defending my position. Am dreading the response. H is obviously not supportive. Just feels like one thing after the other at the moment.

For some reason I am really struggling to resist texting him today. Not sure why today in particular. I keep thinking it won't do any harm, but of course it will because I'll be back where I started. I just need somehow to sit this out. grits teeth

Stay strong Belonger

I messaged mine today and he made me laugh. He is that beacon of light in a really stressful time of my life, apart from my kids. Maybe that's what his purpose is

That's nice to hear basseting, I'm glad he made you laugh. Sorry things are so tough at work for you, fingers crossed something better comes up soon.

I must stay strong but its a real struggle today. I even tried a bit of sm stalking which I've never really done. I've blocked him on the one thing he could have contacted me on now, because I don't want to be checking and because I was starting to be disappointed he hadn't got in touch - even though my head wants it to end, my feelings occasionally lag behind. It's just another layer of letting go I guess, and I need to let it hurt.

bloody hell - I've just had some thoughts:

1. kids may have learning difficulties but life is hard and they have to learn to adapt as they can and I have to model that, kindly but firmly.

1. MF is being a wanker - telling his wife he has 'put a stop to it' (to what?) and then msging me telling me he is 'missing me so much' and 'so hoping i am not becoming more trouble than i am worth'.

1. Re the card to DOM - the old wanker (literally). He mused last year that it was odd I 'affected him so' as 'if he saw someone my (current) shape on the Tube he wouldn't fancy them.' He described the 'girls he noticed' (all early 20's...) my chin hit the floor (he is nearly 70). All I was to him is an emotional/ sensory stimulant not a person. So I may well send the card to underline his sexual age even if the ref to 'pubes' is entirely undignified (not a word I have ever used, he despite being posher than Prince Charles is very crude), Hmmm

Suprised by these rogue thoughts though!