NC Dignity Club part 8: still wearing our crowns

[MyGastIsFlabbered]

Hopefully nobody else has started a thread, if so feel free to ignore this one

Please help me.... I'm TWO YEARS down the line after my daughter's Dad left and never came back. I thought I was doing well and then today - bam! Have not stopped crying all day I miss him so much. He's evil, has done some horrible things to us but I'm so distressed I had to send my 3 year old to my mums as I couldn't look after her. I've spent all evening trying to trace him online but he's gone. My baby's beloved Daddy whom she adored/s GONE. All because a new girl came along. Even his family won't speak to me 😢 My daughter is being tested for Leukaemia right now and I emailed them but no response. They don't care.... It breaks my heart. I'm a mess

Oh you are all bloody lovely!!
(I nodded off during Call the Midwife and just woke up and am switching laptop off)
Re MF - I have been quite straight with him - he is the one who has wobbled/mixed messages. I told him tonight that he is responsible for his boundaries and I need to be mindful of mine as it was DOM's withdrawing of friendship that hurt most. His reply was all about his wife which is fine but not acknowledging what i have said at all. So, NC #2 I think - I am just too fragile atm for friends who cant hear me at all. I suspect this is not the first time for him - he said he has been 'misunderstood' before. Well, he gives out odd msgs - says he will 'have to cool it' then sends a msg saying he misses me and it was the last thing he wanted plus a clip of some young singer who 'reminds me of you'. self indulgent of him at best.

MotherofaSurvivor hello my lovely.
Goodness that sounds so hard. I am so sorry you have such health worries about your dd. If you have emailed them and had no response that is shockingly bad of them. No wonder you are having a tough time today. Sending you all my love and best wishes. x

You will find a great deal of kindness here.

Hello motherofasurvivor Welcome. That sounds really tough. Don’t worry it takes ages to get over someone, especially when you have a child with them and they let you down. You have so much going on right now, with your daughter’s health concerns, don’t beat yourself up for a low day, and no wonder you’re missing some support from her dad! You can do it, you already have been for the last two years, you have kept going and survived and that’s so strong. And you will get through this too, with and for your daughter because you are you

Basseting your MF definitely sends out peculiar mixed messages. Definitely right to go NC with him too.

Oldbrook glad you feel like you tied up the loose ends but you didn't even owe him that email. He hasn't paid for the ticket so he doesn't deserve it. If he does take it will there not be a huge anxiety around bumping into him at It?

Theparting I'd not be going for a second date with him. He sounds like hard work.

Welcome mother.

If course you'll meet someone else Basseting. I honestly couldn't care less if I ever had another relationship the way I'm feeling at the moment

Thankyou. I just really struggle to accept that he doesn't want to see her? That his parents don't? I don't get it? Are they not getting the messages? I'm too scared to go round there. Plus they live 70 miles away. So does he.

I need help

Mother what about writing a letter to his parents? So sorry you are going through this alone.

Tried it. No response. Though there's no guarantee he hasn't intercepted the letter. His Mum also prevents me from speaking to his Dad who thinks it is ME in the wrong because his Mum has let him think that to stop him from being upset with their son! She also is terrified of him becoming upset because of his heart problems! If my ex had told his mum not to speak to me then she will instantly obey him! His Dad would be furious if he knew the truth but all letters sent addressed to him get intercepted by her. No matter how I disguise them. Hard to explain how I know she does this. I'd be here all night typing. I've tried writing to him from a letter writing company etc but she opens all his mail. She's told me that herself. I also don't have his mobile number and she controls his emails. I literally cannot get in touch with my baby's grandfather because of his abusive, controlling wife & son. Sorry for drip feed but situations like this are one looooong drip feed.
I have tried EVERYTHING

She won't even let him out of the house!

I sent Police round to do a welfare check when they first cut contact as I was really really worried and she wouldn't let them in! They had to threaten her with arrest and even then, she refused to leave the room and was answering their questions for him. I've got no chance if police can't even speak to him without her there

Mother I think you need to focus on your daughter and let them be. If your daughters grandfather wanted to see her then he would. They sound toxic and they aren't going to change. I have very disinterested in-laws and it's taken me 17yrs to realise they just aren't that into their grandkids. It's their loss.

Have you support from your family? Are you going to a counsellor?

I am not waiting for messages anymore. Oldbrook, yes this is how we reclaim our power. It’s only in the waiting that we lose it. Message sent, loose end tied up, no reply needed. Hope you don’t bump into him - I considered going to the show with my NC presuming I’d be a lot further on after 30 days NC than I am now. Given how cut up I still am, I can’t risk spending any time with him. Are you sure it wouldn’t be better just to give his ticket to a friend? At least there’s no danger of seeing him then.

Mother given that he treated you so badly do you think it might be worth reading up a bit about trauma bonding? The addictive highs of being with someone who is alternately lovely and awful to you can really mess up your mind/heart. What you’re feeling isn’t so much love as addiction/withdrawal.

I’m so sorry about your DD, hope that whatever is wrong she is quickly diagnosed and treated. It’s no wonder with that hanging over you both that you have fallen back into old patterns of relying him. What a cowardly arsehole he is to have abandoned his dd like that. You are both better off without him and trying to find support from others who are worthy of you both.

No and no.

The reason her grandfather isn't having contact though, is because he has been told a pack of lies! I need to tell him the truth!!!?

Well done oldbrook sounds like your last email has allowed you to take control and close the door on him for good. You sound calm and in control.

Day 11 NC. The first week went so slowly, it was excruciating, time seems to have sped up a bit now - I will nearly be at 2 weeks soon ...

Day 24 here - just feeling a bit blurrgghhh this morning . I am less "kick ass" than last week and more just putting one foot in front of the other and forging on. Feel a bit lonely currently and think that that situation makes me reflect on his "loss" when in reality he was overall a negative drain on my emotions - the downs outweighed the ups. I looked at his WhatsApp though this morning and he is up and about . That gave me comfort - how sad is that ?

Oldbrook Well done and your memes ! You are being honest about your situation and prepared for what is likely to happen - the ups and downs of the next week or two or more ... It is natural to still try to analyse everything but I am sure we put far too much thought into what is probably a casual emoji - why do we drive ourselves insane with this ? As regards keeping the SM open , whatever works is what I say - cold turkey is hard ( look at me with looking at the WhatsApp). It is natural to want them to see us having a great time.

ravens congrats on Day 11 and yes it does seem to speed up . The can be encouraging but at the same time it is something in itself to cope with - the distancing of yourself from NC .

Shit , I need to do some serious distraction today - there is no way I would contact but could let myself wallow

Wow well done Oldbrook