NC Dignity Club part 8: still wearing our crowns

[MyGastIsFlabbered]

Hopefully nobody else has started a thread, if so feel free to ignore this one

@basseting you are right... We expect people to have our own standards and when they don't we can't understand why... It's rejection though isn't it and it bloody hurts

@oldbrook we have all struggled this week... Try to rise these waves... You have acted with such grace... And you don't know what he is thinking. He may well want to reach out but you still deserve more... Keep that crown well and truly on your head!
@ravens I don't expect to hear from him now... There is a small part that hopes he will message tomorrow but I know I am clutching at straws... My NC was 50 50 as well. Sadly this time I need to forget any hopes about getting him back x hope you are feeling better soon too

Can I join? I need to.
How do you go NC when dc involved? Only asking as I find it so very very difficult.

ravens don't send that e mail .

Don't send it ravens. Sometimes we just have to live with things that we never got to say. You'll regret it if you send it, pretty much guaranteed.

Welcome constant. I think it's often called Minimal Contact when there are children to communicate about. I bet there's something about it on Baggage Reclaim. Must be very hard, you have my sympathy

Have to repost this - sorry

Here are just SOME of the reasons that he will, at some point “miss you:”

He misses the you that listened to all of his problems, made everything about him, helped him and supported him in every way no matter how poorly he treated you or how non-mutual the relationsh*t was.

He misses the you that was his biggest fan.

He misses the easy, minimal effort ability to attain your forgiveness.

He misses the you that believed he was God’s gift to mankind.

He misses the you that faked orgasms.

He misses the you that no matter how poorly he treated you or how many mind games he played or how often he went MIA, he could call up half drunk in the middle of the night and get laid.

He misses the you that always tried to understand him, please him and excuse his poor behavior and lack of respect for you and your relationship.

He misses the you that blamed yourself for his hurtful behavior.

www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/reader-question-how-do-i-stick-to-no-contact-when-we-have-kids/

It’s a bad idea isn’t it. yes Ravens! I know why you want to send it, but it's not necessary - the fact that you recognise it is enough.

Thanks for the reminder list Bloody. Every word resonates - except the faked orgasms! However, even though they were real, I still got the impression that he wanted to do it for his own gratification, eg if it wasn't happening for some reason, he took it as an insult to 'his skills' rather than being concerned for me and my pleasure.

Yes the faked orgasms need to get removed from that list - I had the best orgasms ever with him unfortunately .

@Belonger Thank you for the link. I'm finding any contact with NC so very hard esp when dc are there too. They have been told some but not all of what's going on. I just want to get on with my life. Feel happy. Confused no longer.

Evening all, thanks for the reminder list belonger.
Welcome constant hard with DC's. Are they old enough to communicate with him directly to help minimise your contact?
bloody ah smell. So bittersweet!
Basseting I hate that these men have left you doubting yourself so much. Think the bf suggestion is great. You can always ask us too? Trust yourself
seshi he reeled you in as sent that reply previously. Not your fault. The fact he cannot even explain himself now says a lot about him.

Hope is so dangerous isn't it. I don't want to become hardened likeondatingthread where we come to expect shitty behaviour.

oldbrook I echo what I wrote to Seshi to you too. You replied to a work message. You are now changing jobs. You haven't relinquished power.

@bloody. I think that list just makes me sad. Mine was different. I thought. It was just that there were duplicates...

tcat.tc/1Gmgtqq trying to paste a link to a really good article x

@Bloody that's such a great list! @anxious how are you doing tonight?

@seshi great article! Point 4 and 5 resonated with me. Long marriage. High pedestal. Etc. But he's no longer on it.

I just wanted to say: 'good night'
Cant stop crying tonight.
Even MF has set me off with his 'missing you' msg. After my straight reply I got 2 more about how his wife is happy he has cut contact and how he is glad she is happy. I feel like he's worked something out but used contact with me' as a catalyst? who knows. I have asked him to delete all the book material I had sent and now I cant send more. Sad.
I just feel ike I will be alone forever. Perhaps relationships are not for the likes of me. Sorry for the downer.

Good night basseting sometimes having a good cry helps. You’re so strong and give out such thoughtful advice - there is someone out there who one day will be lucky enough to be there for you

Evening gang!

Seshi sorry he didn't respond... that must have hurt.

NK you're right about scent ... very very powerful.

Oldbrook I am cross on your behalf that he tried to reel you back in with his work email. I deeply admire your dignity with how you're dealing with NC.

Bloody, I think it was you and others who commented on how the in the first stage of grieving there's still hope then the next stage is grieving without the hope. That's so true!

Anxious, teens, bassetting, and everyone, I'm following your progress and thinking of you all.

Well I had date 3 with the farmer yesterday, and I don't know what to think... there's good and not so good aspects there. We met at 2, had a cuppa at his then went to the coast with his dog and had a bit of a wander and fish and chips then headed back, stopped in a pub for a drink on the way back then at his had another cuppa. There till 10pm. Was a great date in that we had lots to talk about, loads in common and I do feel a good connection there. He also challenges me (in a good way), more than ex did. Quite a bit of handholding and some kissing and cuddling which was nice. But there are some negatives: 1. He is in the midst of a difficult divorce, his wife had had an affair so there is a lot of bitterness naturally. 2. He is teetering on the brink of bankruptcy, I really don't know if the business will survive the divorce settlement. 3 and this is a bit weird: I asked him about someone who is a fb friend of his - this is complicated. Background is that 3 years ago I went out with a guy who really broke my heart. We were only together about 2.5 months but when it went pair shaped I was very very upset for a long time. New man is fb friends with the woman this guy got together with after me. There was no overlap but of course in my grief back then it hurt. She was with him for about 9 months and then got back with her previous ex. Now new guy tells me he took her out for dinner about a month ago!! But that she's in a very bad place (split up with previous ex) and they just talked about their exes and were/are supporting each other. Now I can't help but think I've trodden this path before... hand held a guy through hard times and then when times have got better and she's felt better, he's taken up with this woman. What if history repeats itself? He assures me I've nothing to worry about , he prefers me not her etc. Is this my current (and old) insecurity seeping through or do I have valid concerns??
And 4. He is not as good at kissing as NC.

Felt quite drained by the end but think that was probably because I am a smoker and have been smoking A LOT since going NC with ex. And in the entire date from 2 - 10pm I had only 1 😇😅!!

Sorry for this massive essay but I really don't know whether to bin or carry on with this guy? Any advice would be appreciated.

And then of course I have this sinking feeling that I don't want to go back to the drawing board, and part of me wants to move on just to show ex that I can and have! But I know that's not a valid reason to keep on with this man if he's not right for me.

Yes seshi the 6 points in that article. It's always good to keep on reading.

and yes basseting I know how you feel about feeling like I am going to be alone now for the rest of my life ( I'm a bit older too ) . I would like someone in my life as I feel I have a lot to give . Sorry you are feeling so crap .

Oh Bassetting - don't think that this means relationships aren't for you. He is being totally heartless sending you messages about his wife being happy he's cut contact.

Indulge yourself with feeling shit tonight - tomorrow is a new day.

Goodnight basseting hope you get a good night's sleep and feel better tomorrow. Remember that these are all blokes you got involved with originally some years ago, and you've learned so much since then. You're a different person now, stronger and wiser, and will attract people who respect that and find that attractive. Your next relationship will be so much happier and healthier!

Sorry you're feeling so low bassetting 🙁, I'd feel the same. When you're already feeling fragile, any 'rejection' is compounded. But you will emerge stronger, as will we all, I know it.

theparting my first gut instinct is maybe have another date with Mr Farmer but am thinking overall No ..seeing as you asked..too much hassle . I know everyone has their baggage but there is baggage and then there is some more. Numbers 1 and 2 . I also don't like the sound of the "supporting" each other but then I'm not good with men having female friends . I don't like the kissing thing either but fear this is something that I will have to face IF I EVER lock lips with someone again ! Mind you it sometimes takes time for the physical side to get going . My gut instinct is to say No but this is the same gut that didn't tell me my NC was married so it's not very reliable ! One more date ?

I'm.ok thanks seshi how are you now?

basseting sorry they have tipped you over tonight. Get a good sleep and hope everything seems brighter in the morning. You will find someone, when you are stronger and free of H and DOM.

theparting maybe another date? The kissing not matching NC is something I struggle with too. Is it because he isn't NC. The bit about that woman is freaky tbh.