Ds asked am I bipolar? - I think this is divorce fallout!

[greenberet]

My acrimonious divorce has been well documented on here.

Yesterday I found out that X is taking CMS to appeal as his mandatory reconsideration was rejected. He is paying me what he wants to pay not what he has been told to pay. He is saying they are using wrong info to calculate ( co director so can basically manipulate) and so I assume he is going along the lines of cannot afford it which has been the bollocks since he left.

I also found the land registry details for the house he has recently bought with Ow in Sheffield which confirms a mortgage - this will be in addition to the rent he is paying down here of £1600 pm.
So what he is saying is unlikely to be true but I have to prove it.

The kids had to help me clear the loft yesterday 20 years of a previous life - Ds moaning all the time - can't we just leave it in here, this is pointless, waste of time etc - this happens everytime I ask for help - i am frustrated too having to clear it all as X just buggered off taking his personal stuff - leaving behind anything to do with his past life

Ds rant then progressed to you shouldn't have got married you shouldn't have had me you couldn't have kids ( ivf ) that should have been a sign - just bin it all just burn it - why can't you get a job like everyone else why are you a psycho c88t, don't go to court over CMS waste of money, if you don't shut up I'll smack you, why did you waste all that money on sols, my life is ruined, you have both ruined my life because you cannot behave like adults.

A bit later on he came to me and said do you think I have bipolar - I asked him why - he said because of his moods.

Later on I asked him to bring bins in - and I got more of the same - I'm not going out in this weather why does it have to be done now, nobody else is bringing bins in, you are crazy, you have all this shit in your head, no one else is like you.

This reduced me to tears. I am struggling to cope with the ongoing abuse I get from my x- Ds has issues - basically he needs to talk to someone about his feelings that obviously run deep. He has been referred to CAMHs but refused to go.

I am picking up the financial strain that X refuses to engage in - I am dealing with the emotional fallout - x not seeing kids on his contact time cos wants to be in Sheffield and then he send kids a pic of the bloody snow.

The kids know all the above - how must they feel knowing x refused to pay their school fees but has now bought a house with Ow so paying for her kids.

There is a long standing issue with my kids they are donor sperm - they have always known this - but with everything else going on and what my Ds has said this looks like it's coming into play somewhere. Ds is a volcano waiting to explode - on the outside everything looks ok but underneath I have no idea just get these outbursts.

Today he wants me to take him to a job interview 30 miles away - I don't want to go out in the snow - this is going to kick off - it's a part time job - but it is me that is unreasonable.

Not really sure what looking for - just documenting ahead of future counselling sessions for me - I'm counting down to kids are 18 - does my responsibility to my kids end here? All financial support stops - x no longer has a financial responsibility - I have to choose between my own financial security and supporting them still - emotionally I want to do a runner because I have had enough - physically I will be moving out of the area - this all seems fine for the x to do - but if I do it too what are the consequences - my Ds having a breakdown - my Dd having nowhere to live - who thinks about this - not the fucking courts who have made all the decisions so far that's for sure - but you know what once the divorce is over everything is tickety boo - they wave their wand and just like that we are all sorted everyone happy everyone moved on - job done!

OMG can we have a ?

I'm absolutely spend, I want to runaway. Same scenario ish. DC giving me such a hard time I want to cry all the time. I didn't leave, DH did and has left me with the fallout. My kids are in bits still.

Your back story is very relevant here.
Everything is divorce fallout because you won’t deal with it. You are stuck in a negative victim mentality. Are you really surprised if you kids can’t move on either. ?
As hard as it is get into mentality of this is your life and this is what you must deal with. Tell your kids you won’t engage if they don’t respect you. Take back some control of your life.
This is harsh but I think you really need to hear it. Please stop posting and start doing. So many people have engaged and advised you in the past but you don’t listen. You are a yes but person. It’s tiring for people on a forum. It must be frustrating and annoying as hell for those that live it with you.
This is your life. You only have one. Live it. It’s all on you. No one else gives a shit about your life, except you. So either take responsibility or accept this is your life and stop moaning.

Back - sorry you are going through this shite too - yes lets hug - :) sometimes that is all we need - and to realise we are not alone. I don't know where to go with this - currently all is quiet as still in bed - and I cant be bothered to get up either even though I have so much to do x

OP, I havn't read your other post but seeing that reply.... Posting here doesn't seem to be helping you all that much. You have so much anger and it's just spilled out to a complete stranger. who seemed to make a valid point. From the sounds of it, your son is feeling the same and probably seeing how you're reacting to things. If you've got that much anger inside, then you're not going to be able to move forward and sort things out. With what your ex has done, of you course you're angry - and there's nothing wrong with that, but you need an outlet. A safe way to deal with your feelings, and then you can also help your son.

Have you thought about anger management? You don't want unnecessary expense, but there's plenty of free and easy to access tutorials and things online - even just meditation to help calm you down so you can process all of this. Maybe, if you speak to your son about how you're feeling, the anger and hurt inside then he'll see that what he's feeling isn't wrong... You're all suffering, and you can help him talk about it. He won't get better in his own at the moment, and he doesn't want to go to a counsellor so maybe he just wants his mum to understand. But don't approach him if you're going to blow up too with his responses. You all need to heal, and calm down a bit. Then you can sit down and look at your finances, look at jobs or whatever you need to do to make it all work. Make a plan, work through it and give yourself some goals. You can't change how your ex is behaving; there's nothing you can do about it so, as horrible as he is being, it's wasted emotional energy for you. Process each of his moves, go to the gym and punch it out, but don't dwell on it. Think about the things you can control and change, then whatever he does, you can deal with.

Sounds like your ds is just being a teen with extra factors thrown in. My 15 yr old ds complains about helping me bring shopping in etc..and I have to pick my times when to talk to him. Things (so I'm assured) will settle down.
Not sure getting dc to help move ex's stuff was the best idea, he is, however crap, still their father and that must have been hard on them.
I've not read you're previous posts tbh, but if what pp says is correct then taking action (whatever it is or how small it is) is going to give you some self of pride and control. Baby steps.
I wish you all the best.

Sorry but I agree with Galaxyfarfaraway.

I don't think a public forum like this is an appropriate venue for you to discuss things OP if you're struggling with anger so much you boil over at a stranger offering advice and support.

Just because you're having a hard time doesn't make it okay to take it out on someone who's actually trying to help instead of the same old 'there there hand hold' you seem to get a lot of.

greenberet I remember your posts from before and you have had a really tough time with your ex. Your son sounds angry, would you be able to get him to see the GP and maybe get some counselling or access to services?

He has to deal with the fact his father who isn't his biological father is a grade A cunt, and it must be a real head fuck for him. The world is a confusing place for 15 years olds, he is still finding his way and he has had to deal with the divorce etc at a time in his life where nothing makes sense. Can you do something nice for him, one on one time and lots of cuddles/ love?

Can you do something nice for him, one on one time and lots of cuddles/ love?

I don't think the OP son sounds like the sort to want lots of cuddles from his mum ATM!

Just seen that post got deleted, you can't go round being abusive to people like that OP. Do you fly off the handle and attack people like that in real life?

Agree with galaxy, which I’m sure won’t come as a surprise.

Your DS is telling you how he feels, and TBH I agree with the sentiment he has expressed that you and his father together are ruining their lives.

You are so consumed with rage/blame/trying to micromanage his father (and often the kids) and your own right to just ‘not cope’ that you are damaging your children. He is irresponsible and selfish. Who is actually prioritising the kids? No-one at the moment, both parents are seeing them as problems they have to escape, him by leaving, you by dramatically being unwell.

You keep posting threads full of rage at ex or the children consumed and obsessed with things that do not need to matter and ignoring things that do and doing absolutely nothing at all that will help with any of the issues. It’s not helping you or your DC.

No-one is going to sort your life out for you, not your kids, not your ex and not the courts. You have to do it, if you choose not to then unfortunately it is your children who will suffer the most but your life will also be one of perpetual unhappiness.

my life is ruined, you have both ruined my life because you cannot behave like adults.

God your poor son.

I've been there in his place. Aged 12-17, with parents who hated each other and couldn't act like adults, undercurrent of aggression and rage waiting to bubble over at any moment, tears and crying and drama and histrionics. Neither parent being willing to calm the fuck down, set a good example and focus on doing what they could to improve the situation. I feel for him so much.

I self harmed nonstop for five years to cope as my parents were so wrapped up in their own issues they couldn't see/didn't care about my mental state.

When your fifteen year old is upset because he's saying neither of his parents can behave like adults, bloody listen to him. He's not making that up or saying it for a laugh.

my life is ruined, you have both ruined my life because you cannot behave like adults.

Yes, this should be a wake up call that you need to stop obsessing about being badly done to by your ex and the fact your kids exist and are struggling but no, you are yet again making it all about how bad things are for you, how parenting is an imposition on you that you will just decide not to do at any time and blaming it all on their father.

It’s ridiculous. Since the beginning of time women have been left holding the baby by feckless and selfish men. It’s really shit but most mothers at least try not to fuck up their kids.

The bottom line is: you need to get help (professional) to deal with your issues.
Then you need to bluntly tell your son "I'm getting help for my issues -you need to do the same and that means going to CAHMS if you can get an appointment".

Yes your Ex is being a dick. But don't discuss it with the kids, get a friend or therapist to offload to. Yes you can answer questions.

As to "are you still responsible for them after 18". Well that makes me think your son has a point- it is not something I would ever ask about my kids. We are a family, we work together to solve problems.

The part time job, if he got it how would he get there?

I have no idea what you have posted previously but your son is crying out for help. Poor kid.

I'm going to venture there is a positive in this....your son has expressed himself very clearly to you. My parents fucked up my life but I could never have said that to them.

He is telling you loud and clear. By the sounds of it he has been telling you for some time. Listen to him.

Nothing matters right now except your children. Why on earth are you getting them to help you sort out the attic with their Dads stuff. OP you need help to put them first. I don't think you can do it. You need to find help. A family therapist? If your son won't go then you can go to get the help you need as a mother. Maybe in time your DC would go to.

I'm going to venture there is a positive in this....your son has expressed himself very clearly to you. My parents fucked up my life but I could never have said that to them.

I see your point but sadly him expressing it doesn't mean it's listened to or acted on. I said it until I was blue in the face at his age and it didn't make a bit of difference.

why can't you get a job like everyone else

Is there a reason you can't get a job?

Acrimonious divorces do affect children unfortunately.

I doubt that any teenager is going to be happy about doing a crappy job like clearing out the loft.

Surely that doesn't surprise you.

You are not taking responsibility for yourself or for your kids at the moment. That’s why it is so very hard. Since you and the kids are lumped together and you are not taking responsibility you are expending a huge amount of time, energy and money on avoiding responsibility and making it look as though you are taking responsibility, which is actually significantly more difficult than actually taking responsibility in the first place.

You struggle with getting money out of ex, you struggle to pay school fees, you treat the children like they are small and you are cold and unemotional towards them. The only time you show any feeling at all is in your dramatic taking to your bed/‘can’t cope’/it’s all ex’s fault behaviours - all avoidance of your own responsibility. Everything is a drama about how bad things are for you and how awful their father is.

There is no room for them to exist and if they show negative behaviour (as teens/children do to get attention) you just try and pack them off to their selfish, abusive father who doesn’t give a shiny shit about them partly to avoid responsibility and partly to make a point to their father.

At no point in any of your threads have you displayed any love, care or understanding towards your DC, everything is couched in ‘what a terrible thing this is for me’/‘this is because of their father’...

IMO if you really are not willing to learn to cope and take responsibility then you need to actually commit to that being your actual choice and contact the local authority.

funny how my post gets deleted - not sure where i have broken talk guidelines - probably because I told galaxy to do one - seems its ok for her to attack me though as long as its done up in nice words
yes im angry - i thought here was a safe place to deal with that - you know other women that have been through a similar thing and can understand where i am coming from - yes there are some - but mostly those who think they know better and berate me because I am not dealing with things how they would - somehow this makes me a victim - somehow this makes me have a dramatic illness - offred - yes im not surprised- are you saying depression is self inflicted - a cop out - all these people suffering what are we snowflakes - do you post your comments on the MH board - i bet not - do you share your views in real life - christ and i thought we were moving forward with this
my son is angry too and he too has every right to be - its not the x's stuff as such its 20 years of marriage - you know kids toys that i wanted to hang onto - photo albums - the usual stuff you put in a loft - i have noone else to help me - i can't do it on my own - if i could i would - ive got a plan i have some goals but my plan is constantly derailed by the x - frankly him dying would have been less suffering all round.

No I dont normally attack people like that in real life - maybe thats my problem tolerate too much too and then let loose - tolerated for 20 years - still having to tolerate not through choice - and kids having to tolerate too -

i blame their df your right on this - he chooses not to pay - he could chose to pay and then all this would be different - but he blames me because he lost his own integrity -

pudding thank you - Limon no Galaxys post was not supportive - tell my kids i wont engage if they dont respect me - err how many times do you think i have gone round this - but when they have a Df who shows absolutely no respect for me and they are angry who do you think is in the firing line - not him because he bribes them financially -

i come on here when i am feeling ok - i give out what I hope helps some people and then I succumb to posting again when i need support - because i have been to the GP - because I am waiting counselling - because i am not desperate enough to speak to WA or samaritans - and what do i get not the hand hold but more abuse that leaves me in a worse place than when I started and being told that I am boring people - but this seems to be the flavour of MN lately not just to me many others - you need a bloody thick skin to risk posting on here these days - and if you had this why would you be here

I did not read what you wrote OP but I am assuming it was not nice.
It makes no difference to me and does not upset me but I do have some concern for you otherwise I would not have posted. There there mentality will not help you. Advice on how to move forward will not help you. Only you accepting what your reality is will help. You need some support in getting there and I highly recommend you get it. Although I honestly don't think you are ready to engage.
You really should try your kids are cryin out for help, and sorry to say you are failing them. So is your Ex but you can't do anything about him. Why waste energy on engaging with him if he is not interested. It's shit but so what, that's his reality now.
I won't engage anymore as a PP said you would benefit from anger management.
And you probably will ignore and not listen anyway.

I wouldn't ask my children to help me empty the attic of things which gave them complicated feelings - either their departed dad's stuff or things from happier times. I'd do that on my own or ask a friend to help me. Your feelings about the end of your marriage will be very different to your children's.

If your ex has stated his income as £X for a mortgage he's going to have trouble explaining that it's now £Y simply because he wants to pay less maintenance. Try to have faith that that'll be sorted.

The thing I have a problem with is when people bad-mouth their ex's to their children. I don't care how old the children are, they do not want to hear that. That's not a child's role and it can do such a lot of damage.

*Can you do something nice for him, one on one time and lots of cuddles/ love?

I don't think the OP son sounds like the sort to want lots of cuddles from his mum ATM*

I think that is exactly what he is screaming out for. I know he is 15, but he is seeking attention, and it seems at the moment negative attention is enough for him, he needs positive attention. Just my opinion. I have a 10 year old boy who sometimes gets angry, most of the time all he needs is some attention and love from me. One on one time. In fact the other day I said to him "I feel a bit grumpy today and don't know why" and he said to me "You need a cuddle don't you".

I'm not suggesting OP goes in and just hugs him, I mean build an enviroment where he feels safe to talk about his issues and not be judged.

LimonViola sorry, I got that wrong . I guess I just cannot comprehend a child expressing himself so clearly and not hearing it. It's incredibly sad to read.
I work so hard to give my DC the opportunity to express their feelings and feel heard.

Cross posted. Be abusive as you like to me. It really does not bother me.
You still can't see that it's fine to post for support, and mumsnet is brilliant for giving it, but you won't listen or act on it. What is the point of continually saying my life is shit. My ex hates me. My kids hate me. Everyone on MN is mean to me. Get a grip. it's your life. Only you can fix it.
You are waiting for counselling but how much help have you had on here. You have not moved forward after any of it. You should do it for your kids before they turn yheir backs on you completely. You need to be their strength and support. And take their shit because that's your job as their mother. Although you can still demand respect when they are being a.bit rubbish surely you can see why they are like that. And cut them some slack.