Ds asked am I bipolar? - I think this is divorce fallout!

[greenberet]

My acrimonious divorce has been well documented on here.

Yesterday I found out that X is taking CMS to appeal as his mandatory reconsideration was rejected. He is paying me what he wants to pay not what he has been told to pay. He is saying they are using wrong info to calculate ( co director so can basically manipulate) and so I assume he is going along the lines of cannot afford it which has been the bollocks since he left.

I also found the land registry details for the house he has recently bought with Ow in Sheffield which confirms a mortgage - this will be in addition to the rent he is paying down here of £1600 pm.
So what he is saying is unlikely to be true but I have to prove it.

The kids had to help me clear the loft yesterday 20 years of a previous life - Ds moaning all the time - can't we just leave it in here, this is pointless, waste of time etc - this happens everytime I ask for help - i am frustrated too having to clear it all as X just buggered off taking his personal stuff - leaving behind anything to do with his past life

Ds rant then progressed to you shouldn't have got married you shouldn't have had me you couldn't have kids ( ivf ) that should have been a sign - just bin it all just burn it - why can't you get a job like everyone else why are you a psycho c88t, don't go to court over CMS waste of money, if you don't shut up I'll smack you, why did you waste all that money on sols, my life is ruined, you have both ruined my life because you cannot behave like adults.

A bit later on he came to me and said do you think I have bipolar - I asked him why - he said because of his moods.

Later on I asked him to bring bins in - and I got more of the same - I'm not going out in this weather why does it have to be done now, nobody else is bringing bins in, you are crazy, you have all this shit in your head, no one else is like you.

This reduced me to tears. I am struggling to cope with the ongoing abuse I get from my x- Ds has issues - basically he needs to talk to someone about his feelings that obviously run deep. He has been referred to CAMHs but refused to go.

I am picking up the financial strain that X refuses to engage in - I am dealing with the emotional fallout - x not seeing kids on his contact time cos wants to be in Sheffield and then he send kids a pic of the bloody snow.

The kids know all the above - how must they feel knowing x refused to pay their school fees but has now bought a house with Ow so paying for her kids.

There is a long standing issue with my kids they are donor sperm - they have always known this - but with everything else going on and what my Ds has said this looks like it's coming into play somewhere. Ds is a volcano waiting to explode - on the outside everything looks ok but underneath I have no idea just get these outbursts.

Today he wants me to take him to a job interview 30 miles away - I don't want to go out in the snow - this is going to kick off - it's a part time job - but it is me that is unreasonable.

Not really sure what looking for - just documenting ahead of future counselling sessions for me - I'm counting down to kids are 18 - does my responsibility to my kids end here? All financial support stops - x no longer has a financial responsibility - I have to choose between my own financial security and supporting them still - emotionally I want to do a runner because I have had enough - physically I will be moving out of the area - this all seems fine for the x to do - but if I do it too what are the consequences - my Ds having a breakdown - my Dd having nowhere to live - who thinks about this - not the fucking courts who have made all the decisions so far that's for sure - but you know what once the divorce is over everything is tickety boo - they wave their wand and just like that we are all sorted everyone happy everyone moved on - job done!

OP I've been the child in this scenario and I can tell you now your son and daughters truth is very different to your truth. There isn't only one. Your son needs stability and support not a continual autopsy of the wrongs done to you in life. Can you not see that?

All your posts are 'I' or 'me'. You need yo listen to him not project onto him racking up yet more grievances against your ex.

You May have had many wrongs done to you but to be honest in terms of your son's emotional wellbeing that is entirely irrelevant.

Ok I can see some reasons for the battles you decide to take on in everyday life, but can’t you also see that there needs to be a balance?

You have to be a builder as well as a lone fighter.

I think that’s what feels missing from your posts in this thread, is any sense of you building and constructing.

It’s just another way of saying, I’m wondering why you are focusing on the destruction of your old home and family, and quite literally counting down the time until you can disband all sense of a home for you & your children altogether.

Why aren’t you focusing on rebuilding a new sense of home?

Especially when it turns out you didn’t lose the house? I must admit I was confused to find out that you didn’t move and find yourself homeless, or in temporary accommodation, and are now trying to live in council accommodation or similar... because that’s what I thought had happened, from the way you describe how destructive and how much was ruined, and how you have nothing. Obviously I got hold of the wrong end of the stick there.

Perhaps it would have been better if you had lost the house. It actually makes more sense about why you are stuck in the destructive collapse part of the relationship breakdown, if you are constantly reminded of how things have changed by your surroundings. Personally, I’d recommend moving ASAP.

You are in so much pain being stuck in this place of anger and constant comparisons to what you have lost, and how your husband (& others) have failed you.

It’s an awful state to live in, and it will slowly break you. I really feel for you, you are hurting so much, and you are stuck in this kind of hell, where everything is falling apart and it’s all about destruction and misery and betrayal and hurt... no one can exist like that and be ok.

You cannot live in the empty ruins of your life, and thrive. You can’t be surrounded by broken hopes and dreams and misery, and make the rest of your life like that - it’s harming you, and your children, to attempt to live like this.

Oh OP. I knew it was you from your first line.

God how I feel for your children.

I’ve never seen so much rage and bitterness and it seems to get worse with every thread.

What makes you feel better? There must be something that does, that gives you some calm or peace of mind. Try and do more of it and get some stability in your life, in your home, for your children.

They’ve been through so much and they only have you and their dad, who you’re the first to call an abusive arsehole. They don’t have anyone else.

Sandy I have seen you refer to a couple of instances as being "mental"

I'm not about to change how I speak for you or anyone else and if I spoke out of turn, or in a manner that has caused someone over the edge, I have absolutely no doubt that MNHQ would have contacted me and more than likely banned me from this site.

All I asked you is if there was a reason you can't get a job, as your son asked you...and you proceeded to launch an attack on me.

You clearly have a lot of issues going on in your life...but your defensive and responses to others trying to help you is very attacking.

You know I can't take any fucking more of this I am getting abused left right and centre - the x is playing me again with the kids - I have had enough - I have no support other than here or WA when desperate which I will be doing in a minute - some of you understand many of you don't - I am not fucking superwoman I get no respite from this - every fucking day there is something that I have to deal with the interview was cancelled - he's going next week - is it any coincidence I e posted on here and the fucking X messages Ds saying does he want to come next week on monday - why to make up for the fucking day this week he couldn't have them cos he was with OW -

What do you want me to get - lots of meat - Ds is on some high protein diet to boost his muscles - no problem with this other than he keeps eating food meant for all of us - it's quite likely Ds does have some form of something - Asperger was talked about in the past - he is probably borderline - because unless everything goes his way he kicks off - this is nothing knew been like this since a child - x can only deal with him in short bursts.

It's fucking easy being a parent two days a week - the way I'm feeling right now I won't get til they are 18 I'll either have buggered off or will be locked away - and just so you see the balance that you don't think I have - I lent Ds money yesterday to get a festival ticket - whether he pays it back who knows - he says when he gets a job - but maybe he is like his DF here too - still owes me money for something else

You can slate me all you like I don't fucking care anymore - the effect all this is having on my MH is it worth it - right now no - the kids have two parents maybe it's time they spent some with the other one because nothing I do is right so what is the fucking point - I was told before send them to their father I didn't do it because I don't think this is right for them but from what you all say being with me is not right either - I've had four fucking years of this not to mention the 20 - I've done my best I can't do more than that without support - I can't get the support I need I need someone backing me up - not constantly undermining me all the time - I come in here for support and get told I'm moaning - don't bother replying because I can't read - because like that girl yesterday anyone who disagrees with me is likely to tip me over the edge

It’s all about perspective OP. Your ex wants to spend time with his son and is making plans to make up for having missed a visit.

Your son will benefit from seeing his dad. You’re finding your son hard work and will benefit from a break.

From the outside, that seems like a positive thing, not anyone trying to hurt you.

I wonder if it's best to take op at her word that the wrong post could tip her over the edge?
Hope things feel better soon op

You and your ex split 4 years ago... so why are you still going on about him so much. Your contact with him should be limited to the children - nothing else. So don't engage with him on anything else. Child maintenance should go completely through the child maintenance service - they will sort it out so don't contact him for anything. If there are things you need to discuss, then send it in am email but with nothing personal - do not use any emotive language. If it's about the kids doing something or needing something, just say "he needs xyz. I can manage x, could you do yz". That's it. Stop dragging this out. It's over. She is not the other woman any more; she's his partner. It is horrible. He was me an and cruel but it is done. Harking on about it is only hurting you and your children - he won't care. He's getting on with life. You should get on with yours. So, you want help to get you through this?

• no contact with you ex unless about the kids, and only use factual, neutral language. Nothing emotive, insulting or hysterical.
• find something just for you. A class, a hobby - set, music, join a book club or an exercise class once a week. Anything - just something for you that no one else can touch, where you can meet new people who know nothing about your ex and you can start building a new social circle, relax and have fun.
• If you don't already, then try to sit down with your kids for dinner all together at least once a week. It might start in silence, or just asking about school, but have that time to all be together. Build up to bigger conversations but do not tall about how you hate their dad or anything like that. Just have it be about you as a family unit.

Accept that you are a single mother. There are millions of us. And we all get it done. You've had 4 years to wallow - now it's time to move on. You're their mother, doesn't matter if they're 8 or 18 - you cannot get away from that. And they are telling you how they feel so listen. You're son wants you to behave like an adult- that should be a wake up call for you. It's time to move on. Ignore what you're as does. If he sees the kids then that's great but you can't force him and when he doesn't, you are their mum so you need to be there. It a unfair, it's exhausting and it shouldn't be that way but it is so no more screaming about how rubbish it is for you - it's also rubbish for your kids but they need to live with it. So do you, and you should do it with as much grace as you can.

Also, stop swearing and insulting everyone who is trying to help. What you're doing now isn't working - your life is not getting better or easier so LISTEN. Do what people are suggesting. You keep saying that you do take advice but only the parts that work for you or your agree with.... But that's no working is it? So try the other stuff. It's time to be a single, successful, happy mother.

You can do it. You got out of an abusive relationship. You kept your kids. You're a success already and you can do this now. But please please listen instead of getting defensive. If you do, then you're going to get through all of this and come out happy and strong

Why don't some of you read my back posts before you give out advice like you Avasarala because then your advice may be more appropriate.

I can swear if I want to never did before all this shite but cannot think of better words that describe how I'm feeling.

It's gone way past all this - I think I'm dealing with someone straight out of the Lundy book - one of my counsellors told me I was very astute - but maybe I'm not maybe I have got this all wrong like you say.

I don't know anymore I have depression which clouds your perspective - I'm going to refer myself back to MH and ask them to read my stuff on here - I can't go on like this - I don't want to live like this - my xthinks it's all my fault the kids are sick and tired of me - maybe you are all right.

I don't want to damage my kids anymore than you are telling me I have done - I have to give them up - they can live with their dad - maybe he's better at this stuff than me - from what you all say I am just destroying them.

All I know is I hate being like this - I'm not living I'm surviving some days I can't get out of bed - some days I get out of bed but can't get dressed - I can't get done what I want to or need to get done - the last time I was this bad was 20 years ago. My kids think I'm lazy my Ds thinks I'm a waste of space because I don't have a job like everyone else and my x thinks I'm a twisted bitter nutter - which some of you seem to agree with.

I can't go on like this - I spoke to my Gp before about checking myself into a private clinic - maybe I need to really consider this - the odd day or the odd week my x has the kids is not helping - it's not making any difference - I need a proper break - either that or I am going to go into a full on breakdown - if I'm not already

Thank you isaguide appreciate you actually reading and listening to what I say

Where did I say you had damaged your kids? Where did I say they'd be better off without you? Where did I say you're lazy and a waste of space for not having a job?

This seems to be a recurring problem- you're not actually seeing what people say. You're just giving another rant with all the same things you've already said. That is not working or helping you.

Again, please please listen. I

What I actually said was you got away from an achieve relationship and you kept your kids - meaning they were with you and safe. What I said was that you're already a success.

Now, you've done that hard part, it is time to move forward. No more contact with him because all it's doing is driving you mad. Discuss the kids but be as clinical as you can - do not let him under your skin.
Find something just for you- any activity/hobby anything. Just something that's for you and means you can get away from the house and let some stress out. You can do that while they're at school or, if they're old enough, anytime. You need to put yourself first for at least a few hours a week. Then you will start to feel better. You will have something outside of the house to look forward too.

Then, when you're with the kids, make it quality time as much as you can. Just keep it relaxed and then they will be able to talk to you. It's hard, but as I said, think of yourself as a single mum and make a plan for that. Do not reply on your ex because he's just letting you down.

If he messaged asking to see the kids, say yes. It should be more structured but there's no point fighting over that right now. Say yes, send them off and then take the time to calm yourself. Eventually, if you can stop lashing out and seeing everything as an attack, then maybe you can talk with him and make it more structured. You can't control what he does, but you can control your response.

Please, will you try to read this with the meaning that's intended. I am not attacking you, nor am I saying any of the things you claim in your responses. Breathe, calm down and mull it all over.

Wow -@0ffred just read your thread back - so very nasty - maybe if I came on here saying just given the Ds a hug, just given the Ds a kiss, just given the Ds a lift down the road, just given the Ds £20 to get pizza, oh & it was me that found Ds his job that he starts tomorrow would this give you a different perspective - funnily enough when I am not on here I am trying to get on with life -trying to pick myself up from the last hit - trying to move forward - but I have two teens - I wonder if I went to the teens board how many would be struggling with their kids and this is in a happy marriage with support and no other issues going on in their life's. Ffs!

In fairness to offred, she said that you keep posting the same kind if things with the same anger and then when people give you ideas and tools to help you with that, you don't respond to them or the suggestion. She said You just keep going on about your ex and all the stuff you've had to deal with and then you say you will just send the kids to their dad's.

^^ That's exactly what you just did to my response to you. You ignored what I said, accused me of saying horrible things which my post had nothing to do with and then threatened to just send your kids to their dad's. What Offred said is 100% true.

I don't think anyone here can help you.

They've tried but you're not listening or even saying "I could try joining a club but I struggle with time/cost - do you have any suggestions for free things or stuff during school hours". You havnt replied to anyone with anything like that - no consideration, or actually engaging with them. It's just rant after rant while you insult the people trying to give you some support.

Give us some specific problems you're having. Or some specific feelings - something that you'd like help to solve. Then LISTEN to the suggestions, ask about them. TRY THEM.

No ava - I didn't say YOU said that but read my back posts so I don't have to keep repeating myself

Get a hobby - what like yoga you mean

Chat with the kids - do you have teens?

I know I'm a single mum - no difference really to when I was married - except I seem to have taken on the financial responsibility too

Message me to ask to see the kids - give over - he doesn't message me about anything unless it's to wind me up - communicates direct with kids who then do not tell me what's going on despite askin them to do this for the last couple of years - and then when I am not here it is my fault and I should know what's happening

Talk with him your having a laugh now - I tried for years to keep communication open - msged him all the time about kids all that happened is it got used against me

I have a question anger needs to be expressed how should this be - passive aggressive with a smile on your face but covert manipulative tactics or full on no doubt why I am angry - I've done the calm trying to talk no one listens as some one said no one really gives a shite about my life so I have to put my own needs first otherwise this will break me

It’s always the nuclear option though with you, that’s the point, that’s what’s not stable and what your DS is referring to. There is no middle ground and no way of predicting what will set you off into ‘might as well just send my kids to their abusive father to be damaged forever’

Lots of people are struggling, finding things difficult, lots of people have much worse situations than you and cope better. That doesn’t mean you haven’t had a terrible time, it doesn’t mean your situation isn’t difficult, what I am saying is that you can’t just lurch from one crisis to the other and keep on using the same old coping strategies (micromanaging, rage, avoidance) because if you are on here every couple of weeks in another crisis where you ‘can’t cope anymore’ then the things you are doing aren’t working are they?

Instead of angrily shouting at people who are coping with similar things or worse things better than you are about how they clearly don’t understand and are just victimising you like your ex and kids do why not actually listen to what they do to cope better?

There are certain things that you cannot change or control; the age your DC are, what their father does, the court’s decision re spousal support and it’s these things you keep on aggressively fighting against/avoiding. No matter what you do your kids are at a difficult age, no matter what you do your ex has left you and is a crappy father, no matter what you do your spousal support is going to end soon.

There are things you can do, which have been repeatedly outlined on all the threads but you are in a headspace or trying to punish ex/make him be responsible for you IMO and not actually willing to see the effect this is having on DC.

Ava do yourself a favour and don't listen to Offred - read my back posts and then make up your own mind

Did I say specifically you Ava said I had damaged my kids - I don't think I did

Offred go away - I don't want your advice support no matter how well intended - we do not see eye to eye

I've read a lot of your posts, and my ex was very similar. I think I have it easier because when we split, he kept seeing the kids for almost 6 months but then decided it was too much time away from his "real life" as he put it so he went no contact. That actually made things so much easier and calmer for me and the kids - we just get on with it. You can't do that since he's still hanging around, which makes your life harder but you can help yourself.

Yoga - why not? It feels amazing, release endorphins; it makes you feel good and a great stretch can really lift a lot of stress off you. Or, if you need something more active, I did kick boxing. It was so good to release all the tension and frustration, gets you breathing deeply and you do feel better. So yes... give it a try before you decide nothing will help.
If physical isn't your thing then try art or something. It had to be something you do and enjoy so give something a try. Then it's yours - your kids and ex can't take it from you or ruin it for you.

I don't have teens, but I was a bit of a horrible one at times. I wouldn't have talked, but I'd have appreciated being able to just sit down with the family and eat dinner. Then if I did need to say something, I could. It's about baby steps. But you can't shout or slag off your ex. Even though they know it all, and possibly hate him, they do not want to hear that and it will drive a bigger wedge between you.

If he doesn't contact you about the kids then that's fine - don't concern yourself with him. Delete the messages, don't respond. It's really hard and it won't be easy to not let them under your skin but keep trying, just don't engage with him. Sit down with your son, and say "you want me to behave like a grown up and I understand why you've said that. I'm sorry and we're going to start fresh. One thing that makes it so hard for me is that I never know what's going on. Your dad will arrange with you when he's going to see you, so if we're going to really try and improve things here, then you need to tell me the plan so i can work around you". See what he says and take the conversation from there. Make him feel like you've heard him. Then you don't need to talk with your ex at all.

Your anger does need to come out and physical activity would really help with that, and maybe if you can block it your ex - even a little and have that conversation with your son then it's a start at brining some anger down.

Do you think you could try to have that chat with your son?

Yoga is actually part of an evidence based treatment for trauma and stress... it’s not worthy of contempt as a suggestion BTW. No-one suggested it on this thread but it’s not a bad idea.

You're not going to fix it all at once. The big thing to tackle will be your finances but let's not try it all at once.

Just a bit at a time. Improve one thing, then another, then another. Just a little at a time. It will bring your stress down. Then you will be strong enough to tackle the big things.

Does that make sense?
You can get yourself odd to the gym or a class or something this week. Even just go to the swimming. My thing is at the moment is the sauna; I just go sit in the sauna for an hour - don't even bother swimming! You should try something this week and when you're there, keep your mind there. Just see how you feel after.

You can try and talk to your kids this week - don't be embarrassed about admitting how you feel or about accepting their comments. You can try that this week.

offred you either have no idea or are not very good at showing sympathy or maybe both but your use of words -it's always the nuclear option with you though - this is exactly the thing that tips someone over the edge - we are not coping do you think we don't know this - do you not think we want to cope - anything better than feel like this - the middle ground is when I am not here - not on this - why would I be because then I am coping - it's not might as well send them to their father - do you deliberately come on here to wind me up.

I haven't had time to catch my breath - I was going to start CBT but the timing wasn't right - you cannot take on board new coping skills when you are in the middle of a crisis - you survive - when the dust settles you look back and then assess and learn new skills for next time - what do you not get about my situation - right now I don't give a fuck what other people do - they are not living my life - my Crisis as you refer to it is not over it is ongoing - has been ongoing since the split - the x doesn't want the kids full time but he wants to ruin my relationship with them so he continually grinds me down in any way he can which is mainly financially - he knows this I know this - the kids don't - they don't get it and whilst they don't get it he uses them to his advantage - but they sense something is not right this is given away by their behaviour

So if I was being beaten physically they would be watching this they would know this is not right but if the x said to them its ok mummy enjoys it and it doesnt hurt but I'm saying yes it does hurt I'm covered in bruises and whimpering are they going to question who is right and who is wrong - if they were afraid to say will you stop in case they are then the brunt - what do you think they will do? Nothing try and keep out of it try not to rock the boat

Well this is my kids and this is the headfuck of emotional abuse - because the other side of the coin is does he really love me like he says _ if he does why does he not want to pay my school fees even when I am distraught, he says he can't afford them but why has he got an iPhone x just bought a new house, going on all these holidays, why does he spend more time with her kids than he does with me oh but he's paying for my phone, he gave me his old laptop, he never shouts or gets angry sometimes he picks me up - who wants to deal with these questions most adults don't why the fuck should a 17 year old want to when all they want to do is have fun

I can't shield them from reality forever and the reality as I see it is going to hit home big time at 18 unless a miracle happens - so not only am I trying to cope day to day with the continual shit but I am trying to come up with a goal - a plan b as some have said to prevent them from having a "nuclear option" come this time. The x won't give a shit he has already shown his true colours more than once and he will blame me always

...... Ok.

So, that was another exploitive rant which we can't help you with. And you can't deal with it all either.

You can't fix this all at once. You've come here for help... Can you maybe rad m my last couple pots and let us know what you think? You need to start somewhere, so let's figure out where that start point is instead of exploding. We all want to explode when these things happen, but it's not going to help fix anything.

It's problem solving time.

*explosive

Ava I appreciate you taking the time to keep replying but I do know these things - I do yoga have done 18 years - meditation - it is just about keeping me this side of breakdown but not as much as I need - depression is worse now - finances You are not taking responsibility for yourself or for your kids at the moment. That’s why it is so very hard. Since you and the kids are lumped together and you are not taking responsibility you are expending a huge amount of time, energy and money on avoiding responsibility and making it look as though you are taking responsibility, which is actually significantly more difficult than actually taking responsibility in the first place.

You struggle with getting money out of ex, you struggle to pay school fees, you treat the children like they are small and you are cold and unemotional towards them. The only time you show any feeling at all is in your dramatic taking to your bed/‘can’t cope’/it’s all ex’s fault behaviours - all avoidance of your own responsibility. Everything is a drama about how bad things are for you and how awful their father is.

There is no room for them to exist and if they show negative behaviour (as teens/children do to get attention) you just try and pack them off to their selfish, abusive father who doesn’t give a shiny shit about them partly to avoid responsibility and partly to make a point to their father.

At no point in any of your threads have you displayed any love, care or understanding towards your DC, everything is couched in ‘what a terrible thing this is for me’/‘this is because of their father’...

IMO if you really are not willing to learn to cope and take responsibility then you need to actually commit to that being your actual choice and contact the local authority. finances you have no idea I am worse off now than when I was in my 20's this is one hell of a thing to get ur head round at 52 and back then I didn't have 2 17 year olds to contend with

I am no way embarrassed about how I feel - this is who I am - I wish I was different - I wish I could cope better above all I really wish people would understand and if they don't just say I'm sorry I don't get it but I'm here anyway have a hug - like the first poster

Ava I need to explode that's the whole point I come here because I thought it was safe and people get it - that's all - I didn't ask for help - I can't do anymore I'm exhausted

Sorry messed up post