Ds asked am I bipolar? - I think this is divorce fallout!

[greenberet]

My acrimonious divorce has been well documented on here.

Yesterday I found out that X is taking CMS to appeal as his mandatory reconsideration was rejected. He is paying me what he wants to pay not what he has been told to pay. He is saying they are using wrong info to calculate ( co director so can basically manipulate) and so I assume he is going along the lines of cannot afford it which has been the bollocks since he left.

I also found the land registry details for the house he has recently bought with Ow in Sheffield which confirms a mortgage - this will be in addition to the rent he is paying down here of £1600 pm.
So what he is saying is unlikely to be true but I have to prove it.

The kids had to help me clear the loft yesterday 20 years of a previous life - Ds moaning all the time - can't we just leave it in here, this is pointless, waste of time etc - this happens everytime I ask for help - i am frustrated too having to clear it all as X just buggered off taking his personal stuff - leaving behind anything to do with his past life

Ds rant then progressed to you shouldn't have got married you shouldn't have had me you couldn't have kids ( ivf ) that should have been a sign - just bin it all just burn it - why can't you get a job like everyone else why are you a psycho c88t, don't go to court over CMS waste of money, if you don't shut up I'll smack you, why did you waste all that money on sols, my life is ruined, you have both ruined my life because you cannot behave like adults.

A bit later on he came to me and said do you think I have bipolar - I asked him why - he said because of his moods.

Later on I asked him to bring bins in - and I got more of the same - I'm not going out in this weather why does it have to be done now, nobody else is bringing bins in, you are crazy, you have all this shit in your head, no one else is like you.

This reduced me to tears. I am struggling to cope with the ongoing abuse I get from my x- Ds has issues - basically he needs to talk to someone about his feelings that obviously run deep. He has been referred to CAMHs but refused to go.

I am picking up the financial strain that X refuses to engage in - I am dealing with the emotional fallout - x not seeing kids on his contact time cos wants to be in Sheffield and then he send kids a pic of the bloody snow.

The kids know all the above - how must they feel knowing x refused to pay their school fees but has now bought a house with Ow so paying for her kids.

There is a long standing issue with my kids they are donor sperm - they have always known this - but with everything else going on and what my Ds has said this looks like it's coming into play somewhere. Ds is a volcano waiting to explode - on the outside everything looks ok but underneath I have no idea just get these outbursts.

Today he wants me to take him to a job interview 30 miles away - I don't want to go out in the snow - this is going to kick off - it's a part time job - but it is me that is unreasonable.

Not really sure what looking for - just documenting ahead of future counselling sessions for me - I'm counting down to kids are 18 - does my responsibility to my kids end here? All financial support stops - x no longer has a financial responsibility - I have to choose between my own financial security and supporting them still - emotionally I want to do a runner because I have had enough - physically I will be moving out of the area - this all seems fine for the x to do - but if I do it too what are the consequences - my Ds having a breakdown - my Dd having nowhere to live - who thinks about this - not the fucking courts who have made all the decisions so far that's for sure - but you know what once the divorce is over everything is tickety boo - they wave their wand and just like that we are all sorted everyone happy everyone moved on - job done!

Just saying that to you might feel nice for a minute, but it's not going to get you out of how you're feeling and coping.

Well, if you've done yoga and meditation for 18 years then that's one crossed off the list. Give something else a try. I know your depression will be pulling you down, you won't want to go out and do something and it's not easy to force yourself. Do you think you could try though? Is there anything that's helped you in the past?

What about your kids. If you sat them down and tried starting a conversation along the lines of what I said, do you think it would be a start? If not, then can you think of something that would be a good starter? Just think about talking to them - not about everything else. How would you do it. One thing at a time and you will get there. Do not let an abusive man continue to destroy your life. You're out... And he can keep screwing with you but you got out. You did that - so you deserve to enjoy it now. Just start somewhere. What do you think would be the best place to start?

Of course you need to explode and when you do, people care. They want to help you. You've said you have no support, so let this be your support. You've vented; you've let it out. Now try working through a little bit of it.

You can't do it all and of course you're exhausted... But you will stay exhausted and fed up if you can't begin sorting. It doesn't need to be tiring right now... where do you think you have enough strength to start?

I will leave it along now... But if you think it through and can start small, then I hope you do. And if you want me to reply again, then I will but I don't force it on you.

Not sure why you keep using 18 as the age everything changes, particularly if ex not paying much anyway. What are you're children's plans? Uni .. then they'll likely move out anyway, get a job... they can pay keep. You will soon be rid of school fees. You can move somewhere lower rent or buy if you can but still provide a home environment for the kids.
I have 3 teens (including twins) so I do know they can be hard work and eat you out of house and home. You said clearing the loft was a life lesson... Well so can not be going to a festival, it's not essential!
No I'm not on my own but I do suffer with depression and we all have to deal with the fact I have terminal cancer, so my life isn't rosy either.
I'm not trying to turn this in to a "I'm worse off than you" competition, but take a good look at what you do have and be fucking grateful. Try and find some joy in life somehow. I know you're in a deep black hole right now but only you can help yourself.
Going to stop reading this thread now as at first I felt sympathy but as more comes out it's quickly evaporating!

#helhathnofury, I am very so sorry, I hope you and your family find strength and comfort.

Actually I think you are right OP. You need to get some space away from everything to start getting treatment. Have you really looked into private clinic option?

Does your son's school have a boarding option given that it is private?

Helhath - I'm sorry for your situation too - I have had breast cancer and my DB went through severe stomach cancer - but to come to terms with your situation well that's a whole different chapter and I can see it is difficult for you x

I have a lot to be grateful for I know that -Ds has gone off for his first shift on a part time job today - I am immensely proud of him my Dd also working too - they are generally great kids but I don't post on here when I am ok so none of this is aired.

The festival ticket because I want my son to have joy in his life - not to miss out due to current circumstances - not to feel inferior to his friends - so this is where I stuck it up - friends are hugely important -hopefully when he is earning he will pay me back - if not I'll take the hit - see this is also what I do not post on here.

18 is when all benefits stop that I am currently receiving - and yes I have options to move away somewhere cheaper but this will be 200 miles away - kids will always have a "home"with me - but this is not going to be returning to the bedrooms they have here - uni is still a transition - some do not find this easy - will he want to come to where I may be or stay with his friends after who knows but this is what I try and factor in.

There is no boarding option - this would have been ideal for Ds - so it's the crackpot dm or controlling DF - not much of an option is it?

And yes to the private clinic because I know when I am not coping and sometimes I need time out - the only option is for them to go to DF and I get harangued when I say this - which then knocks me down further - maybe it's not healthy for me to be on here - sometimes I am too fragile to take a bashing when all I want is a bit of understanding with no try this try that but this seems to be the nature of MN these days - it feels too severe to phone WA or samaritans as I know there are those far worse off than me - just a few kind words can make all the difference but this seems hard to come by.

I thought about deleting my account here yesterday that's how much I had taken but there are still other sites that I find helpful so I need to think about what I'm going to do

As I said before lots of times, get help. Stop talking yourself out of it for whatever reason. Get help

Post on the mental health board if you are looking for that. This is the relationships board.

If your kids are 17 they’re more than old enough to stay by themselves for a few days if you need to check yourself into a clinic. In a few months they’ll be adults, they’ll be able to look after themselves for a bit.

You don't have to be in a crisis or 'severe enough' to ring Samaritans OP, far from it. That's sadly a real misconception that prevents a lot of people from reaching out for the support they need.

They provide confidential emotional support, yes you can ring if you're suicidal but you can also ring if you're a bit stressed and just want to talk a dilemma through or vent about a bad day at work or just figure stuff out.

Please consider ringing them. It's free on 116123. And you can text them on 07725909090 and email on [email protected].

You can even visit in person if you check your local branch is open beforehand.

Okay so break it down. What are your fears about sending him to your ex? Have you talked it through as an option for your son? What does he think?

I think you have a solution. You need a break and treatment. Time to start getting yourself into a better place. Then you can tackle the rest of it.

I've read your numerous threads and I hear a beaten down soul who is desperate for help but doesn't really know how to take the first step.

I do feel you need to get your son into a stable place so he too can heal. Like I've said I've been in his shoes and know what it's like I would have had more respect for my mum if she had openly admitted she needed help. You can do this.

It doesn't matter that this is the relationships board. Ask for help when you need it. There are no relationship experts here so it doesn't have to be that draconian.

Also if posts upset you don't respond to them just ignore. The hardest step is admitting you need help and you are getting close to that

IMO it does matter because it’s part of this repeating cycle of OP posting about what is essentially a MH problem on relationships and then getting upset when people address the relationship issues or suggest it is a MH issue.

The MH board is good for kid gloves, support and commiseration, which is what OP seems to want. If you post in relationships people will give advice about the relationships issues, the op says she feels traumatised by that.

Obviously she can post wherever she wants and about whatever she wants but if she wants kid gloves and MH support, MH is where she is going to get it, not on angry ranting threads about her kids/ex in relationships.

Especially when each thread posted makes no reference to the many threads that have gone before.

To be fair Offred, I know you are trying to help but your relentless hounding of the OP on every thread she posts isn't helpful. So what if she wants a hand hold or sympathy? It doesn't matter if she keeps repeating the same information over and over. If she gets her lightbulb moment on the 50th thread then so be it.

I understand the damage she is doing to her kids, been there. But haranging her isn't going to help just push her to being defensive.

Your posts are consistently helpful across all threads and you're a positive source of support no doubt. But I don't feel that your approach is helping here.

OP got aggressive an hour before I even was on this thread. The threads I haven’t been on are often the same but with different posters in an unpredictable way.

It’s not my approach that’s making the aggressive defensiveness happen. It’s the fact that none of this posting is actually helping and what the OP has explained about what she wants from the threads means it is easy to see why it happens.

You kind of posts have resulted in aggressive defensiveness in the past because as OP has said, she doesn’t want advice to help improve the situation. She wants the ex to not exist, the children to not be difficult and failing that, people to just say ‘there there’.

Offred pack it in now. You are overinvested and not helping. You also cannot see any other way of living except your own, just like the OP.

You are trying to bludgeon her into your view point. Just because you feel you are right - and maybe you are - doesn't make your posts remotely helpful.

So why does that bother you? You've given your advice, if she doesn't want to take it that's up to her. She's not obliged to.

But it's very noticeable that you pop up on every thread to tell us the backstory and effectively undermine her. Most of us have read all the previous threads. We know the score. If we chose to support her that's our choice, it's not for you to police her postings. MNHQ are there to do it if necessary.

You are being passive aggressive towards her. Just leave her be and give your positive support elsewhere.

It doesn’t bother me. I’m replying to other people telling me various things about myself at this point.

There is no point where I have expected OP to listen to or act on anything I’ve said. I’ve not said she’s obliged to either.

There are people on each thread who don’t know the back story and TBF the vast majority of the threads I haven’t posted at all.

I’m not telling anyone, OP or otherwise not to post. If you want to try and support OP then do that but at the moment you are just nit picking re what I post.

I think it's best we leave it there then.

OP are you still reading?

As someone who hadn't actually seen OP's prior posts until Offred replied, I found her input very useful in helping me to understand the situation and how to respond. That's much more preferable to everyone just going by the one post if there is a huge and relevant back story, and leads to more useful relevant advice. Thanks Offred. It saves other posters feeling they've completely wasted their time replying to a tenth of a story.

I have just read this - for those that don't know I have been posting on here since before my marriage split up before I found out there was an OW - I'm not aware that Offred has read all my posts I certainly don't recognise her from the early days as there was a dinstinct group giving me support - her account of my story is her account - so anyone working from this is being given a biased view. On top of this I don't know what I have done to offend her but everytime I post as one of the others said I feel like I get a bashing from her - for whatever reason she doesn't choose to back off as I would in her place but keeps trying to justify herself but takes me down in doing so.

I stopped posting on here for a while mainly because we went off thread and I knew my x was reading - he used my posts in his court statement.

I have continued to post in relationships because that is were my story is - I am not going to give a background each time I post because it would take too long - I very rarely ask for advice - most times I say I just need to vent and also making a record of what goes on. By doing it on here sometimes I get support that says I know your story yes I understand where you are coming from - this helps me no end because unless you have been through this unless you know how insidious emotional abuse can be unless you understand that it is not an isolated incident that is the problem but the continual incidents over a period of time it is hard to get your head round especially when some people take it as Normal behaviour and do not see it as abuse.

I also post on here as a dated record - I don't know where I am going with this if anywhere but I feel posting on here gives my story something more than a blog would.

As some of you have said I am dealing with just ' normal' teenage stuff - 'normal' teenage stuff in a supportive relationship is hard enough - I have twins boy/girl so I am dealing with it twice over and different issues. On top of this I have depression which can develop for no reason at all - it saps my energy and ability to cope - added to this I have an x who is doing his best to destroy me - I don't know how many of you responding to me have read the Lundy book - how many of you have read endless articles about narcisstic personalities. I have no doubt this is what I am dealing with - this was confirmed to me by a counsellor who met us both.

I am not asking for sympathy sometimes all I want is you are doing ok keep going - I am doing the best I am able to

For those of you who say get help - I am under my GP he is there if I need him but I cannot phone him up everytime I feel I just need to let it out. I have been under adult MH twice through the divorce process. I have had several sessions of counselling and was going to start CBT. This was arranged before the latest CMS issue and currently is not the right thing for me as agreed with the facilitator of the course. So now it has been agreed that I will have further counselling because it is likely the X will take CMS all the way to court for no other reason than to continue to fuck with me.

I do not need to justify myself on here - I do not need to listen to people who tell me what I should or should not be doing when they are not professionally qualified in Mental Health.

I have managed my own MH for 20 years. I have been pushed to the limit by the circumstances of my divorce which was compounded by unprofessional legal representation. I am not the only one in this situation.

I still have a lot of uncertainty in my life not just for me but my kids too and this does not go well with depression. My DS I believe has had long standing traits that can make him difficult to deal with at the best of times. I have tried to get him help he refuses. The x is not interested in him receiving help because this would expose abusive patterns of behaviour that he would not want to admit too.

I have readily admitted that I have probably got some things wrong - but at the time I didn't know this. My kids have seen me at my worst but I have been through hell - and so have they - I was diagnosed with breast cancer shortly after the split - my x showed no compassion at all - he was only interested in the insurance.

I am not expecting my kids to be perfect but I do expect them to be able to help with some things around the house - this is not just for my benefit but there's too - I want them to be independent responsible adults not like some of the adults on here who are still children in an adults body -

it also goes to show the range of advice on here when one person is saying they would not be able to cope with clearing a loft as too emotional - and someone else is saying they would be fine left on their own for a couple of days as they are adults.

There is a very strong misconception on here that advice must be listened to - I have been berated for not doing what people think I should - advice should be given unconditionally if you are unable to do this and take offence because you feel what you have said has not been acted on then this says more about you than it does about me. I listen if what I am being told does not resonate with me I will dismiss it.

I'm not really sure what the issue is - whether it's the abuse angle or the depression angle but somehow I feel that what I am saying is not understood by the majority.

Yes I know I am stuck in a cycle because that cycle is dictated by the X and is likely to continue initially to the kids are 18 because he is financially responsible for them - for some reason he thinks he is giving me money and this fucks him off so much that he continually is trying ways to avoid doing this.

I have told the kids the truth - I have read plenty on here about what not being told the truth does to people on here even as adults - about how they are now realising that their family dynamic was toxic - that they have been unable to maintain relationships because they have had a distorted view.

If emotional abuse was more widely talked about - if it was taught in schools then things like stonewalling, passive aggressive behaviour, gaslighting, manipulation, would be understood and recognised. I hadn't heard of most of these terms never mind narcisstic personalities until I came on here and by then I was already on the back foot.

As I have said I never want my kids to be either handing out abuse or receiving it and I can guarantee that prior to the divorce my x would not have stood for anyone treating his Dd as he is treating me now.

Sadly a lot of the behavioural patterns are probably already ingrained in my kids - if I do nothing which would reduce a hell of a lot of my difficulties - they are likely to be abused or abusive. I cannot sit by and let this happen without trying my best to put this right.

Doing this single handedly and with the disadvantage of depression against someone who is capable of shutting down emotionally for long periods of time and is out to make me the devil in all this - well if you can cope better than me I take my hat off to you.

And it's just dawned on me not one of you has picked up on what I said about the x taking the maintenance to appeal - do you not think this is of significance here - this is not my doing - I am not questioning my financial responsibility to my kids - and this is nothing to do with information I have supplied to them but what they have got from Hmrc - his own tax assessments that he is even now trying to manipulate.

I doubt I will be back on here - i appreciate those who have supported me - I hope to God that no body else has to deal with what I am going through - but if they do and they come across my threads I hope they get something out of them - even if it is just to know it's not just them because then everything I have said on here will have helped someone else - and isn't that what mumsnet is all about!