Ds asked am I bipolar? - I think this is divorce fallout!

[greenberet]

My acrimonious divorce has been well documented on here.

Yesterday I found out that X is taking CMS to appeal as his mandatory reconsideration was rejected. He is paying me what he wants to pay not what he has been told to pay. He is saying they are using wrong info to calculate ( co director so can basically manipulate) and so I assume he is going along the lines of cannot afford it which has been the bollocks since he left.

I also found the land registry details for the house he has recently bought with Ow in Sheffield which confirms a mortgage - this will be in addition to the rent he is paying down here of £1600 pm.
So what he is saying is unlikely to be true but I have to prove it.

The kids had to help me clear the loft yesterday 20 years of a previous life - Ds moaning all the time - can't we just leave it in here, this is pointless, waste of time etc - this happens everytime I ask for help - i am frustrated too having to clear it all as X just buggered off taking his personal stuff - leaving behind anything to do with his past life

Ds rant then progressed to you shouldn't have got married you shouldn't have had me you couldn't have kids ( ivf ) that should have been a sign - just bin it all just burn it - why can't you get a job like everyone else why are you a psycho c88t, don't go to court over CMS waste of money, if you don't shut up I'll smack you, why did you waste all that money on sols, my life is ruined, you have both ruined my life because you cannot behave like adults.

A bit later on he came to me and said do you think I have bipolar - I asked him why - he said because of his moods.

Later on I asked him to bring bins in - and I got more of the same - I'm not going out in this weather why does it have to be done now, nobody else is bringing bins in, you are crazy, you have all this shit in your head, no one else is like you.

This reduced me to tears. I am struggling to cope with the ongoing abuse I get from my x- Ds has issues - basically he needs to talk to someone about his feelings that obviously run deep. He has been referred to CAMHs but refused to go.

I am picking up the financial strain that X refuses to engage in - I am dealing with the emotional fallout - x not seeing kids on his contact time cos wants to be in Sheffield and then he send kids a pic of the bloody snow.

The kids know all the above - how must they feel knowing x refused to pay their school fees but has now bought a house with Ow so paying for her kids.

There is a long standing issue with my kids they are donor sperm - they have always known this - but with everything else going on and what my Ds has said this looks like it's coming into play somewhere. Ds is a volcano waiting to explode - on the outside everything looks ok but underneath I have no idea just get these outbursts.

Today he wants me to take him to a job interview 30 miles away - I don't want to go out in the snow - this is going to kick off - it's a part time job - but it is me that is unreasonable.

Not really sure what looking for - just documenting ahead of future counselling sessions for me - I'm counting down to kids are 18 - does my responsibility to my kids end here? All financial support stops - x no longer has a financial responsibility - I have to choose between my own financial security and supporting them still - emotionally I want to do a runner because I have had enough - physically I will be moving out of the area - this all seems fine for the x to do - but if I do it too what are the consequences - my Ds having a breakdown - my Dd having nowhere to live - who thinks about this - not the fucking courts who have made all the decisions so far that's for sure - but you know what once the divorce is over everything is tickety boo - they wave their wand and just like that we are all sorted everyone happy everyone moved on - job done!

You are not boring people.

I am shocked and disturbed by your repeated posts re your (years ago) separation and your own descriptions of your own parenting.

I am incredibly worried for your DC, I feel upset every time you post that you are still not doing anything about their situation and still obsessed with ex and yourself and not listening to them or caring about their feelings.

I don’t believe this is depression either, it is something more than depression IMO. I have said that before.

Your own descriptions of your parenting describe, IMO, a neglectful, authoritarian and emotionally abusive parent and so despite you being the author of the threads, it is your children I believe are really suffering.

You keep posting on relationships because you believe that literally everything that happens is your ex husband’s fault.

In no way am I saying depression is self inflicted. What I am saying is parents with MH issues still have a responsibility to their DC. That is very uncontroversial.

I’m also very concerned that your motivations for repeatedly coming here are really for attention which perpetuates your mindset as ‘ultimate victim’ of awful ex.

There are many small things that you could do but you consistently won’t.

Sandy Thank you for posting on here - you seem to have quite a few issues yourself - i guess you dont get MH - i have just seen your post on another thread where you left the op feeling suicidal -

I know my son needs help - professional help - but i cant force him to go - im getting help because I know I cannot deal with this on my own -

Limon Im sorry you went through such a difficult childhood - im trying to save my son from this - i realise he is vulnerable - i get it -the thing is i get a verbal gushing www.mypartnerisdepressed.com/concerns/verbal-gushing
and then he retreats back to the place where none of this is happening and so i cant get to him for long enough - i need to get off here - one day ill learn for good

I understood what you meant, isthereaguide :)

"yes im angry - i thought here was a safe place to deal with that - you know other women that have been through a similar thing and can understand where i am coming from"

It's a place to seek support, but that doesn't entitle you to verbally abuse other people. The site has talk guidelines for a reason, because people deserve to be able to post without others kicking off at them and being nasty and abusive. If you're unable to post and receive responses without flipping with a torrent of nastiness you shouldn't be on here, it's not safe for you or others.

Galaxy how do you know what the hell im doing - i listen to advice and I take what is right for me - one thing i have learnt is that most people give advice based on what is right for them not the other person

I have never said my life is shit - i have a lot to be grateful for - my x is a C88T - he hates himself far more than he hates me and yes i have battles with my kids - my resolve is not great i know this - how i wish all this would just pass off me like water off a ducks back but i am not made like this - and when I stand up for myself - i am abusive - just because "f88k 0ff " says it in fewer words -

I know its my job to support and be their strength - fucking hell do I know this - and yes i cut them some slack too - you must all be bloody wonderful thats all i can say

offred im not getting into a battle with you - all i can say is thank god you are not a professional - i know i have a responsibility why do you think i seek out support and help to enable me to do my job!

i keep posting because stupidly i think maybe my story helps someone else - someone else who is not brave enough to post but may be reading - someone who may be feeling that life is sometimes too much - someone who maybe after reading this can feel "its not just me" - maybe i give the encouragement to keep going - thankfully i get this encouragement off thread - there are a few that understand where I am coming from - that know the real battles that I am fighting

its a sad place where i feel I cant help others because i end up being the centre of a fight and just wanting attention!

i keep posting because stupidly i think maybe my story helps someone else - someone else who is not brave enough to post but may be reading - someone who may be feeling that life is sometimes too much - someone who maybe after reading this can feel "its not just me" - maybe i give the encouragement to keep going

Is this honestly the reason you keep posting?

I don't think that's the reason you post, OP. And why should it be - very few of us start a thread thinking our experience will help someone else.

You are so angry and that worries me because your children are really angry, too. And yes, they'll leave home in a couple of years or whenever, but they will still be angry and they'll be forming relationships that risk being very unhealthy.

I'm not saying that to be horrible - just that I think if your anger was dealt with, it would have a knock on effect on your children.

It’s not at all about being wonderful here it is about being ‘good enough’. From your own words IMO your parenting is not good enough.

This whole thread is about you son directly telling you he feels it isn’t good enough too.

No-one is asking you to ‘get into a battle’, what I’m wanting you to do is see sense.

You do not seem to be ‘seeking out support’ either TBH. You’ve put yourself on a waiting list for NHS IAPT... that’s the only thing you have done, in the meantime your way of dealing with things, evidenced over a number of months of posts on here, is to make everything, even your son’s feelings, about how bad ex is and how awful this is for you and a cycle of many different ways in which you refuse to do things, or give up on your DC because you think it is too hard and you ‘can’t cope’ and you get aggressive when challenged and begin defending this way of living with extreme and dramatic exaggerations.

How do you think anything will ever get better if every single time something is difficult you just say ‘not doing it, can’t cope’ and wait for someone else to soothe/rescue you? At the point you are ‘not coping’ is becoming a choice and a habit.

I’ve said to you in the past that it’s hard to even know what your ‘story’ is because it is so garbled and so partisan.

You make a big deal about how terrible the court has been and how awful your ex is but it is very clear to me that the court would have had an incredibly difficult time dealing with you and your ex because of all of the pathology in you both.

Part of your complaint re the court is that they have limited spousal support which you ‘need’ because you ‘can’t’ work but it is very difficult to reconcile the things you are saying with reality; you can’t cope all the time with everything from the banal to the difficult, you have MH issues but they are not that bad that you feel you need urgent help, your MH is so bad you will never be able to work, you can parent the twins despite the MH but you can’t cope with parenting and can’t work...

IMO you probably did get a bad deal re court because your untreated unsupported MH issues will have made it hard but ultimately if you really can’t cope then stop taking responsibility, if you can cope stop saying you can’t as an excuse for not and just get support around you to try and help you get on an even keel.

This is a deeply unsatisfactory situation for your poor kids, because of you as well as ex.

The problem is people on here don’t have any professional training, and don’t have the detachment to deal with ongoing cases like the OP without judgement and investment so they get impatient and frustrated.

Time and time again I see posters on here getting angry that posters don’t act on their advice. It’s because they’re too attached to the outcome, want to see the advice carried out as a quid pro quo for posting. They’re over-invested.

You can’t bludgeon people over the head and tell them they must do x, y and z and if they don’t get impatient.

All you can really do is support people to make their own choices and do the best they can with available resources.

greenberet
You were in the wrong asking you son to help clear out an attic of memories for him. He is a child. I feel so sorry for him, that must have been INCREDIBLY painful and his brain and emotions are not yet developed enough to cope.
It was cruel of you.
What did you expect? Put your DC first - YOU are the grownup.

Oh dear, it’s an upsetting situation for everyone, sounds horrible, really difficult.

Sounds like you are really struggling to cope with your own feelings about the split, and also struggling to cope with your children’s feelings about the split. A double whammy, as it were.

Poor DS though, so scared about his own mental health that’s he thinking he might even be bipolar? I’m assuming there isn’t actually any reason to believe he might have that illness? It does show how strong the emotional turmoil is within him though. Could you use it as a way in to engaging with CAHMS?

Sounds like he needs a lot of help (from professionals), and also alot of emotional security from his mum too.

I am worried by you writing “I'm counting down to kids are 18 - does my responsibility to my kids end here?” I’ve not read any posts by you before (Not that I know of anyway!), so can’t really tell from the tone what you actually mean by this?

Is this you being overloaded and spur of the moment? Or letting it out here but not really meaning it?

Because if it’s a genuine question it’s quite shocking, and it brings into question what’s happening now for them not just what will happen at age 18?

Are you actually asking when is the earliest you can throw your kids out of your home, and stop caring for them, or paying any money towards them? Surely not?

Is this you being overloaded and spur of the moment? Or letting it out here but not really meaning it

No, every single thread there are numerous comments of this kind made by this OP.

It’s not about being frustrated this OP isn’t taking the advice either Tatiana. It’s upsetting to click on thread after thread and read all about how OP is harming her children and how nothing is changing but she is ‘just’ recording it for court, or ‘the future’ or whatever and to then go through the same cycle of initial post saying ‘I can’t cope’ followed by aggressive reaction about how she isn’t doing anything bad to DC and she doesn’t want advice unless it is what she wants to hear (supports what she is already doing).

There have been so many threads detailing really horrible things OP is doing/thinking about her kids... Now her son is expressing this to her. Posting on MN is not the help she needs, it’s not helping anyone else either, it’s just maintaining the status quo.

It’s upsetting because you lack detachment, (this isn’t particular to you btw) then end up berating her & attacking her parenting - which won’t help her nor will it change anything.

If she gets something out of posting on MN it’s not for you to say she shouldn’t.

And each thread is manipulative in that it leaves out all the history, doesn’t mention the numerous other threads and therefore OP always gets some responses taking it at face value before someone who has been on another thread clears things up... then we have a cycle of ‘there’s no issue with me, it is all ex/dc, ok well there is but it’s MH and none of you understand MH or have been through anything this bad and I can’t fight back because I get accused of abuse’

Every time, each post is an exercise in reinforcing the damaging patterns OP is engaged in, that’s the point of the threads and I don’t see why if record keeping is what’s wanted, if helping others with her story is what’s wanted and advice is always taken badly, the op doesn’t write a blog rather than keep posting here.

It’s upsetting because of the content and the volume.

Nowt to do with detachment.

And a thread has already been deleted as a result... but again... more popping up...

Everything to do with detachment, psychiatrists have to deal with much worse on a daily basis and they cannot get upset.

If you can’t handle these threads, then step away.

It’s a psychiatrist that should be dealing with OP, not MN.

In your opinion it is detachment that is the issue.

I’m telling you it is nothing to do with not being sufficiently detached or me ‘not handling these threads’ but a lot to do with this particular poster’s posting history and the risks to everyone of this continuing.

OP is not prepared to change anything. It’s abundantly clear that what she gets out of posting is not helpful.

You’re over-invested.

If OP had a psychiatrist, she’s still at liberty to post here.

Anyone who works in MH has experience of patients who go round in circles for years.

For example, this has now been going on for more than three years...

Some people’s issues can go on for much longer than that.

Some serious mental illnesses can be a lifelong battle.

Anyway, I’m not responding further. I feel you’re making this thread about you and your responses.

Yes Tatiana, anyone who works in MH. MN relationships is not staffed by paid MH professionals, they can’t diagnose or manage treatment for MH, it is not a substitute for MH services, MN can’t offer any help or support re serious MH problems.

She can post here, just like I and others can reply to her threads. What everyone keeps advising her is to seek RL support. What lots of people are concerned about is that she keeps posting here and not seeking RL support and that posting here is actually preventing her from doing so because it is acting as a pressure valve.

@Sunnyday1234 my child as you call him is 17- did you not read my posts I have no one else who can help me - it had to be done because their is a rat in the loft and I need to get people in to treat

@WellThisIsShit - we've already been "thrown out" of our home thanks to the x -he sold it -manipulated the whole process - we are only still here renting it due to me - it will impact on my financial future and where I can live once the kids turn 18.

All financial support ends at 18 - I'm on benefits and supplementing these with money meant for a house to keep my kids stable until 18 and after a levels. I'm already paying Ds school fees because x refused to. Spousal for two years I'm into the second year - if I am as unstable as you lot make out who is going to employ me - I've not had to work for 20 years as supported x building up business,

I have to rehome at 18 - I cannot rely on being employable - I have to make money go as far as possible and that means moving where kids don't want to go. So what happens to them I have no idea - I have plans or goals but as before I can't say - not manipulative - trying to protect

Ds has been referred to camhs also private refuses to speak to anyone

Offred I don't know what I have done for you to chastise me so much - I don't leave out history if anyone wants to read my back threads it's here - I haven't changed my username purposely

My post got deleted because I told someone to F off for exactly what you are doing Offred - who are you to tell me my parenting isn't good enough - I don't post all because as I have said x is still reading - maybe one day I will come back and fill you in on the rest - but you won't be interested because I will not fit the image you have of me in your head.

Believe it or not yes I do post to help others - I lurked on here for a long time before I posted originally and I had a lot of very good support when I did - most people get to a point when they are sorted and they disappear - I'm not there yet - Offred I think you think I sit around with my head up my arse -

I could do a blog - I've always written things down - and may very well end up here but you know what every now and then someone thanks me for telling my story warts and all and says it helps them - this is why I am still here - I used to write down all the things that weren't quite right in my marriage and then one day burnt the lot - had I kept this this would have been my evidence for long term financial and emotional abuse - it's on here as some sort of truth - anything I say on here I'd say anywhere - I have no qualms about being identified I'd use my bloody proper name but no doubt someone would slag me off for probably abusing the kids for doing this.

It seems no one can do right for wrong - the number of threads on here from grown ups in a mess due to their own childhood and upbringing - now having consequences to their own relationships - I'm trying to save my kids from ending up in an abusive relationship and here I am being accused of being abusive myself -

Do you seriously think I would have stayed as I was if I knew this would be the outcome 20 years down the line - I can't even afford to buy the fucking house I had before I met the X - this is why I am angry

Tatiana thank you

I echo other posters when I say clearing out the loft would be distressing for a boy who is dealing with this.

Why would you make him do this? Why not just do it slowly over a number of days?