Dating thread 130: dates with more issues than Vogue - mad March hares every one of 'em

[BeenThereDating]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread

Thanks Vet Runs Kin Been for your emotional support! I realised this morning I was being a wimp taking myself off as soon as ex-bf had messaged me, so texted him directly and told him to leave me alone on POF cos I was trying to meet people I didn't know! He thought it was hilarious .

Anyway, profile now unhidden, and once the kids are in bed I shall get my rod out (other double entendres are available).

Oh, and I will catch up on the last couple of pages of this thread too!

right so, if I sign up with POF what do I need to do? Do I see local guys in my area? I just want a look to see if anything takes my fancy. Not after anything serious.

Can someone explain the "spammers" please ?

Spam pof accounts are fake profiles

So people just being a jackass as opposed to any real malicious intent ?

oh God, I obviously have no radar at all! Im going to have to be so careful, Id be 'had' in an instant!

If you want to be ‘had’ in an instant Jax you need tinder, not pof

hahaha kinunir . I dont - not yet, not at the moment. The thought of getting to know someone, get to 'that stage' the nakedness etc just fills me with the heebies.

I think there are more female spam profiles than male, I have heard many men say that most of the profiles are fake, I haven’t come across many fake male profiles, I don’t talk to anyone that doesn’t use a photo and if their photo looks like it came out of a magazine or a photo shoot I tend to stay clear, one man who messages me was using a photo of a model which he got off google images . The worst scammers are the ones that are married and some are tricky to spot, I have come across several of these, they are good at lying and telling stories.

I haven’t had any problems with Tinder and spammers but I have only talked to a handful of guys on there.

love I like that tinder links people's facebook contacts (not always) and people link their instagram. i would no way link my instagram, and its private, but it does help as I don't think if its a fake they would be able to do that. You can do a bit of "research".

I think I am more likely to swipe on ones with a bit of information, than ones with just one picture or pictures of random stuff. Especially ones with sex connotations, its not ever sexy. Is it just me that finds that a turn off?

Nope, I do. Anyone that’s all about sex from the getgo with complete strangers isn’t for me. But I don’t want ONS/FWB so that’s just my take on it.

Needless to say I replied to Mr Appealings reply and have heard sweet FA since. Of course. Fucking fuckety fuck.

Plus I got a message from someone who has quite a chauvinistic profile. A woman should have her own career (doesn’t matter what) and doesn’t need to be good at housework as he has a cleaner 🙄

Ugh I feel like I paid 80 quid for a whole lot of rejection.
I joined match as after a series of going nowhere relationships had been chatting to a friend and she thought it was worthwhile as had had a few fun dates from it.
I didn’t join tinder as an old school, live in a small town and virtually everyone I know is on there , I don’t know it just felt embarrassing as I know how many people use it and I felt it was too ‘visible’.
Wish I’d just joined it now, instead I’m on a site where I have 13 matches! At least two of whom appear to be either lapsed or non paying, as they never show as having been online & have not appeared to have seen my messages...
I’ve had umpteen ‘winks’ but haven’t been responding to them as it seems like lazy communication.
So I’ve been actively chatting to about six guys.
I’ve had messages from about twenty, maybe five of them live the other end of the country or abroad.
Then there’s half of those who just aren’t for me, too old/too young or creepy or poor written/ social skills.
So the few left, all have been friendly, up for chats/meetings etc then all, without fail, have dried up and disappeared, leaving me wondering what on Earth I’ve done/said or not done.
Is this normal? Is it just me?
I feel like such a loser. I’m mid 40s, not unattractive, but this is making me feel like crap.
Am I supposed to respond to winks?
What am I doing wrong?
I don’t excessively message, I’ve initiated some chats and had chats initiated, neither of which has made a difference to the disappearance of guys.
Any advice or is this just normal?
Thanks

Oh , and to add, I’m pretty light hearted, I don’t talk about failed relationships, just general chit chat, whatever comes up, shared interests etc.
Is it my age?

jelly could you broaden the distance for Tinder then give it a go? I’m 49 and tend to get about one match a day, depending on how often I swipe. I’ve got a handful of conversations going on. One guy seems quite sweet and is keen to meet up.
Also I like Bumble. That’s probably where I’ve had most success so far.
I appreciate it must be hard if you live in a small place. I live in London so it’s maybe better. That said I saw my son’s history teacher when I briefly joined OK Cupid. Also, as Tinder does show mutual friends if you have linked your Facebook account I did also manage to identify a friend of some mutual friends who was looking for an S&M partner

jelly and yes it is normal for conversation to dry up. I find that happens quite a lot. But you do get used to it and learn not to take things personally. In the middle of it all there will be a gem, you just need to hang in there. To be fair, do you really want mundane “how are you?” conversations anyway? I find it a bit tedious after a while.
This thread is a mine of very useful information and has certainly helped me enormously. I’ve asked all manner of questions here and had such helpful advice every time.

jelly there was a bit of discussion a while back around initiating discussions and who should do it. there are varying opinions on the thread but personally, if someone has winked at you who you like the look of - I would message them! Personally I was very happy to message first and then instantly forget about it. If they messaged back, pleasant surprise, if not - at least I tried.

It's quite normal jelly and at mid-40s, though still very young, you're at that strange age where most men have delusions of grandeur and think 20-year-olds are in their age bracket.

Like Tom's, I'm in London and, even here, Match has been very poor for connections, conversations and dates. Traditionally, I've had a lot more success with POF, though that's been poor recently. I've had many matches on Bumble but the fact that women have to make the first move means no dates from there. Tinder is the best app for me right now.

@jelly as the others have said, it's quite normal.. I've had it happen to me several times, and I've also been the one to do it. There was nothing wrong with the chat, we got on perfectly well and there was nothing wrong with them at all, but the next day there just didn't seem to be anything left to say or any motivation to initiate anything, from either of us. It's just one of those things.

I have a couple of questions. I had my date with Ms Sax on Sunday. She was very sweet and we got on really well, made each other laugh and everything, and I would like to see her again. However at the end of the date she asked if she could kiss me, and I said that I don't usually kiss on the first date, but it was very respectful of her to ask. So my question here is, it is ok not to kiss on the first date? What do people think about doing it or not? I just feel like I don't want to just give my kisses away :)
My other question is, how long is acceptable between first and second date? It doesn't look like I'm free for a couple of weeks and I wonder if I should make time, or if the couple of weeks is ok. Is it off putting to date someone who never has any free time..?

jelly - just to throw my two cents in - as a man we're expected, generally, to initiate conversations. However, it's brutal out there - if I send a message to twenty women I find attractive, each one is well thought out and based upon what they've written in their profile. I try to be amusing if possible.

And then.. tumbleweed. The majority of the women on match aren't actually signed up to read messages, and some of those that are take a look at my profile and don't reply.

So rather than spend my time writing a message which will probably never be read, I may just wink first of all to check if they're actually interested in reading a message. Then if they wink back I'll message.

It's not lazy to wink, particularly. It's just avoiding repeatedly shouting into the abyss. I'd think of responding to those you like.

Add into all this "chat burnout" the people who get stroppy if you don't reply within 24 hours and then send you a snotty message , the ones who message you , you answer them then they don't reply . Another guy got upset because I had to cancel as ill ( yes I was - remember all the flu that was going about ? ) gave him plenty of warning and he was Ok at the time but didn't get back to him afterwards fast enough - couldn't remember who I was allegedly - obviously I had made a great impression to start with . Then the guy the other day ranting about men getting their own back on women who seem to be " in charge " of things on OLD - yes this really makes me want to talk to you , you don't sound bitter at all. . .

Oi has wow! Thanks for all your lovely replies and reassurance, really helps to realise it’s not just me and this is how it is. I’m chatting to a lovely guy in Scotland (I’m the other end of the countr) I know it’s going nowhere but fun craic.
I’m only on match, maybe I should bite the bullet and do pod too and swallow my pride for tinder!
Thanks again everyone, can’t reply individually as am late but have a great day y’all 😊

Jelly I'm still in shock that you paid £80! Is that a lifetime subscription . Nothing's stopping you signing up to Tinder as well. I don't get on with the look and feel of the app as I like a profile to read but, as you say, so many people use it and that's half the battle with dating, having enough choice so you find someone you want to date. The first lesson with OLD is to leave preconceptions at the door (I'm a fine one to say that). I was always like you about the winking thing but a really good conversation either on this thread or the previous one has given me a different perspective. See if you can find that chat. As for conversations drying up that's just normal. It's the first part of the selection process and if a bloke didn't engage me by asking me questions and being funny I'd get bored quickly and just fade away. To give you a sense of the importance of numbers I reckon I'd need to see inflow from 75 or so people to get one first date and that number includes those where I messaged first. That includes the moronic 'u r sexi' messages. I used POF so there are morons aplenty but nuggets of gold are buried there too. Thick skin is required for OLD!

Kitten as a rule of thumb I think you need to make yourself available for dating otherwise you'll struggle to create any momentum or build a sustainable rapport with someone. I guess it depends on what you're looking for. If you want a relationship then you probably need to show willing in terms of availability. I was quite understanding about hectic diaries but a lot of people aren't plus I appreciated the slow pace that hectic diaries enforced as I got to know Mr TC and even then we were seeing each other roughly weekly.

I'd be understanding about a busy diary for so long then I'd expect them to start accommodating me in their planning and if they didn't I'd take the hint!

I don't mind if someone sends a wink or adds you as a favourite. At least you know they're interested. But it gets annoying when you message them and they ignore you.

If someone cancels a date saying a family member is rushed into hospital would you believe them? Would you still believe them if you notice they're online most of the time over the following days?
This is what happened with my date from last Saturday. He had seemed very keen to meet me so I believed his story. But now I'm not so sure and if he lied then that was a horrible lie to tell.

Runs I always give people a 2nd chance when it comes to cancelling a date, if it happens again then I ditch them. He maybe sat by someone’s hospital bed whilst being online (I have done this as there’s no much you can do when visiting someone in hospital, especially if they are too ill to talk to you).

I was chatting to Mr Camera again last night, he was sending me photos of his DIY projects which got a bit boring after the 10th photo of his conservatory, does look like he has a nice house though, In the end I told him I was going to bed.

I don’t have any other irons, everything seems to be dead, I’m not too bothered as I’m feeling a bit rubbish lately and have gained some wait so not in a rush to go on any dates. I might hide my POF profile for a couple weeks and see if I get more messages when I reappear (sometimes this works).