Dating thread 130: dates with more issues than Vogue - mad March hares every one of 'em

[BeenThereDating]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread

OK Im the newbie, totally utterly newbie and completely clueless!

so I think I am ready to date - but not ready to have sex (yet) - came out of a 23 year, nearly 20 year marriage last year and its hard but I definitely dont want my husband and have been working on ME.

So, Friday night I was out with my sister, my niece and a friend of hers (male) had dinner together, lots of drinks SN male friend was a great laugh, we clicked - but in a banter kind of way and chatted quite a bit.

Roll on a few hours and after we went to a few places and last place we went to we were chatting to lots of people and this other guy (who my sister knows) asked me to dance... so I did, that was it.

Chatted a bit while outside for a ciggie (had stopped for years until the break up) and then he kissed me and I kissed him back. By this time I was pretty drunk and this isnt like me. Im not a teenager smooching at the disco! Im 43 years old and I was standing there snogging his face off. It was lovely. Anyway, I didnt go home with him (he did ask) I was pretty blunt, told him Im not doing that - Im not a 'hook up' so more snogging. Ive made no plans to see him again, might see him out and about, but that was my first anything since ex H and its kind of scary.

I liked him, like kissing him, but no fireworks in the lady garden. I think I am so closed off now. Hmm maybe Im not ready to date. How the actual fuck will I know? When will my everything switch on again?

third wow that sounds like something out of a movie! whats the situation with your ex? how come he is cool with all this?!

MrF replied , he wanted to meet an hour before the place closed so i said that was too late, then he said lets meet in 30 mins!! no sorry too soon so ive asked if he wants to meet for coffee before i go to gym.

my ex has got wind of our sitation though and is making things complicated. i want to tell MrF, but dont want him to think i come with baggage. i think i like him though.

jax dont rush things, enjoy the process! id just revel in the fact you have the freedom
to do what you want now!

kin thanks for starting the thread, very proactive this Monday morning aren't you ;) I was more saying like a non mumsnet place to share all the secrets and ups and downs of online dating. I don't know if that exsists (I am sure it does), where non mumsnet people can benefit too. But great idea!

Runs do they know about each other? You haven't had the exclusivity chat with any of them? i'd say see them both a bit longer, then when you are a bit more certain then say something. But the chemistry guy sounds a better bet to me! Why would Mr Hat get bored of you??????

lovemusic I would just hang back and see if he says anything else, if he does, tell him nicely you are not interested like that. Tough one!

margo all sounds good, its ok to have your radar up about trust, but don't fuck it up because of what previous deadbeats have done to you, take each interaction on its own and don't stress!

esk1mo his loss indeed. Go to the gym, maybe he is busy tonight so hasn't said anything. Don;t wait in waiting for him to contact you.

thirdtime obviously you have a great relationship with your ex. Mr wow sounds cool as.

jax I am like you, I was in a relationship for 21 years since the age of 17. I am selective who I get to the snogging phase with. For me there has to be real chemistry, which is why I am not getting too far with OLD. Just think its put you out there a bit, you stuck to your standards and see if you meet anyone who interests you enough to snog and start a fire in the lady garden.

I saw my ex FWB again on tinder.............I am so close to calling him again. He ruined it for me, as the chemistry we had was off the scale (for me anyway), so to match that will take some doing.

esk1mo tell him if you want about your ex. I told Mr Dutch English that I am not too keen to date in my immediate vicinity because of ex. he understood and I didn't go into too much details. Its not baggage, its your life and if someone is put off by that then they aren't for you, right?

esk - I separated from my Ex a year ago but due to finances, we part co-habit. He has a GF in Latvia and goes over often and also stays at our caravan when he can. He knows I'm dating. He thought it was hilarious catching me out. I don't put my home situation on my profile but will tell them if they ask and I always mention it on a first date anyway. It doesn't seem to put many off.
Jax - sounds like you are doing ok. Stick to your principals. Enjoy.
xx

Jesus Lord; a mutual Match on POF with a guy I actually like the look of who a) I messaged first (desperate times seek desperate measures: I swiped left on about 700 prior) and b) replied to me.
Get me a fucking fainting couch and some smelling salts....

pudding, remind me why exFWB ruined it for you? You're right, I need to judge Mr Wales on his own merits, not previous encounters. I am keeping my neurosis to myself but it is good to share on here!

third - go you!!!!! I'm impressed that you and your ex get on well enough to still share a house. Also impressed by the knee trembler (as my granny used to call such encounters)!

Jax - see him again when you are sober and see how you feel then.

Runs - I'd see them both for now. I'm sure in another date or two, you'll have a front runner. Great position to be in.

surf id be inclined to wait and ask or even friend request him on social media. Perhaps his 'gf ' has moved abroad permanently? When you've been with him does he seem genuinely smitten? I'm no expert on men but I wouldn't end it until I knew for sure, as you sound like you really like him.

lost glad it's working out for you!

jax I have been told and I do agree with this that it takes around 2 years to start feeling properly like yourself after a long relationship. I can say that for me that was definitely the case. I mucked around in the first 2 years but after around 2 years, I started feeling the urge if you get my drift ;)

interesting what you say about eharmony as I am definitely getting the bus pass brigade from 50 miles away. And I don't even think I'm particularly choosy

what platforms are you all using? I'm in my mid/late 40s if that makes a difference

Daffo, I'm late 40s and I've been using POF (plenty of fish).

ThirdTime that sounds like a great date
Jax I was married for 20+ years and the first time I kissed someone new felt exciting but also a bit wrong. Take it slowly. Don't let anyone try to push you outside your comfort zone.
Cover the new match sounds good. Hope he continues with the messaging.

I'm going to continue seeing my two irons for now and see how it goes. I've only made it past date two once before. This is exciting and scary at the same time.

Jax I think it's one of those things you can't really put a timescale on. If you feel like you'd like to try dating now then just meet up with a few people and see how you feel at each stage. The golden rule is not to overinvest so keep it light and be alert for potential red flags/lovebombing.

Cover go go go! Grab that man!

Daffo I'm mid 30s and use POF and Tinder. Pretty much all decent irons have come from POF. I'm on Bumble but although I get lots of matches they never translate into anything beyond a few messages, if that. Match.com and Muddy Matches are both absolutely dire within a 50 mile radius of where I live.

Runs double date for now. Experience says one of them if not both will fade out so let the self-selection commence !

Daffo on this thread there's little consensus as to which dating site is the best except no-one says anything good about eharmony. I hated the way it 'matches' you but all I got matched with were old farts who looked 25 years older than me

Jax welcome! Online dating well isn't for the faint hearted and I mean well. Anyone can say yes to the first monosyllabic Neanderthal that looks their way and put up with abusive behaviour because 'it's better than being alone' but it takes balls and staying power to do OLD well.

You need a twat radar (experience hones that), you need a good filter (experience hones that) and you need to be able to figure out how you pick yourself when yet another disappointment hits you (this thread can help with a good dose of reality). But it is fun a lot of the time.

All I can say is when I emerged from my marriage at the age of 45 I went on to have great dates and the best sex and sex life I ever imagined and I'll never compromise on sex again. Don't let anyone judge you if you want great sex and above all don't judge yourself. There's nothing that depresses me more than a thread on MN where someone says they're a 'slapper' or such like.

Think of OLD as character building and a real chance to learn about yourself. I used it as a catalyst for a lot of reflection and aimed to learn something from every single date whether it was how I could have avoided a twat like that or how to say "no. I don't want a man like you".

Don't be daunted by the above as I've had huge fun on so many dates and dined out on hilarious tales so just enjoy and test the waters on here. you'll definitely ignore some of the advice at first in the name of a connection though. We all did!

Question peeps - I'm just chatting with someone on POF - not really set it up properly yet - on my to do list but he said he nearly didn't message me as I only have one photo up - thought I might be a spammer - views please.

Think it's time I stopped lurking and wanted to ask if I may join?
Split with ex-bf of 10m a month ago, ex-H coming up to a year and a half - he moved out last May. Two youngish kiddos who are doing well. I'm lucky that we are very amicable (for the moment).
Downloaded all the apps but finding it extremely complicated and - shallow?

Jax welcome! I'm not sure I'm the right one to give any sort of advice about OLD given my last disaster 🤣 but I'd say
Meet them early - no months on end of texting. You need to know if you fancy them!
First date is Always coffee - a coffee can last 10 mins if they're awful, 4 hours if they're cute.
Treat it as fun.
Any red flags - ditch. (I may need to start following my own advice 🙄)

Val1 I can't see anything wrong with only 1 photo? Personally I prefer 3 or 4 though - sometimes I can like a guy in 1 photo and not the others, or vice versa - I think it gives yo u a better flavour of who they are (or of who you are)

Val I've never messaged anyone who has just one photo... because most spammers only have one photo.

Quick question, if my profile is hidden when I message someone what would they see?
Just curious, not looking at the minute....honest

Iron what are you finding complicated? OLD definitely can be seen as shallow, but so can any type of 'stranger' dating really - it's not much different to scoping out attractive people in a bar.

Val I also prefer a few photos including at least one close up and full body shot, and preferably showing them doing something interesting as it's a good conversation starter.

Thanks all for the photo answers - need to do something interesting and get someone to photo me doing it then

Mind you - the man I was chatting to said that he was separating from his wife - i asked if he was separating or separated - no answer as yet next

margo was a funny one because when we started we didn't expect it to go further than a few nights, what it turned into was seeing each other atleast five times a week and no one knew. Both of us felt feelings, but kept them suppressed because he said he was not a one woman guy long term and he is a commitment phobe. I also didn't want a relationship really but it was either stop or be official. That was the point we were getting too. It started to die down a little and then he told me he'd met someone else's and he didn't know what to do. So I waited a couple of day so then told him to go forth with the other girl. I felt partly I was wasting time because we saw each other so much there was no room for meeting anyone else. And I didn't want to share him either. We cuddled a lot, cooked for each other etc. Hes a great guy. But he's emotionally stunted and wouldn't be the kind of guy I needed long term.

That Said it's been three months, he is on tinder still as am I. I'm tempted to ask him again but this time, I'm not so bothered about the exclusivity and I'm in a much better place now to look around too.

He Is though really good friends with mr architect. Theyre very very different but share a passion for surfing so they see each other regularly.

Answer from mr separating - 'I know - 'ing but this site doesn't give that as an option' - I appreciate that he is honest and can use an apostrophe!