Dating thread 130: dates with more issues than Vogue - mad March hares every one of 'em

[BeenThereDating]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread

Bloody so much of this is about low self esteem and accepting crumbs though. If people didn't respond, didn't accept shit behaviour there'd be far less fuckwittery around. I bet these men that dick you around have a few fillies on the back burner who let themselves be picked up and put down as and when he chooses.

I'm nearly 52, I look good, I'm solvent, I'm together. Why the fuck would I settle for an emotionally stunted gnome just because of my age? A man who shares my life is one lucky bastard. Sadly most people don't think like that. They think that the mere act of someone going on a date with them is worthy of gratitude and they accept really shit behaviour in return.

Yes beenthere I understand, being older myself too - am also a home owner , also solvent , also great looking for my age . Oh and do I try and lure men with saying all of this like some of these guys do ? I don't need to say that I have my own hair and teeth either FFS . I certainly would not settle for any knobhead or any poor behaviour. Cooking for them and having sex with them on a first or second date ? They can fuck off unless they are Tom Hardy .

it wasn't ok to be hurt by that? I find that bizarre.

Who said that then Change? No-one can tell you what it is or is not OK to be hurt by.

I always tell people when I don't want to see them again, if they message me to say they do (or if it's been a few dates and I've decided it's not working). If they don't, I don't initiate a conversation. If I do want to see them again I might initiate a conversation if they didn't.

The point is, there are twats in RL and twats online. You maybe don't meet so many in RL as your circle is small and people who are know by you through other people have the peer pressure of behaving properly. Online, they don't and the circle is far far wider, plus it's self-selected to a great extent. So, it's great that you get to see how much of a twat they are quite quickly.

But, you can't change their behaviour, you can only change your response to it. If you accept it happens and move on, you'll find it a lot less frustrating overall.

I think the biggest difference, and the reason why people act differently in real life vs online is that in the olden days you'd have friends in common, or at least acquaintances in common. So if someone was rude or vanished without a word, or sent out woodcarvings of their genitals to every woman in the neighbouring village, then word would get around pretty quickly and the offender would be shamed (or beaten) into changing their behaviour.

These days, there's no comeback. No ongoing judgement. People can be as weird and wanky as they like and none of their social circle will find out.

I'm not saying it's acceptable behaviour to disappear after a date or two. I'm not saying it's not impolite. But.. it is what it is. It happens, and you've got to have that thick skin and understand that it's really not you, it's them.

I haven't been keeping up with the thread for a few days cause I've had a grotty cold :( but I hope people managed to get to their dates in the rubbish weather.
I had to postpone my visit to my friends cause of the snow there, so no Mr Bachelor this weekend. That's now in two weeks.
Go a date with Ms music tomorrow, depending on whether this cold is gone or not.
Ms Sax is still very keen and texting every few days, but still can't meet up yet.
Got a new iron XD @ignore I don't know how I do it either... I had two irons with PhDs at one point and kept forgetting which was which...
Anyway, new iron is ms... Blade (as in blade runner) she seems nice and is totally fine with the fact that I keep forgetting to check that dating site for messages (no push notifications), but I'm getting overwhelmed with the number of irons now!

In other news, my ex was round today. And in the haze of snot and headaches I'm feeling very confused. But I can't waste my brightness burning for someone who doesn't know what they want. But I am starting to wonder if i ahould look for short term fun rather than anything else if I'm able to be confused that easily... :(

Like it or not you need to change your thought process if after one or two dates you're that hurt by being ghosted as you're definitely over-investing way too soon

I was referring to that statement made earlier.

last I am happy to be in the minority too. I did OLD way back when. Met my exh on it. Two children, a joint mortgage, a secret addiction discovered and 12 years later, I've found myself back on it and it's very different than it was then. I'm still learning, I get that. I'm not a seasoned dater who has been doing it for years and years. To sit right with me personally though, I will always do what in my mind is the polite thing to do, even if not everyone shares that point of view.

roseynoses - what are you going to do, go?
Well, I msg my date from last night (after a bit of research) and explained that alcohol and tramadol don't mix and also cause issues with cumming. I was polite! He responded 'Oh!' so I sent back 'maybe it's me?' He replied, 'not you babe xxx'. So, you can tell he's not a great messenger, lol. Looking forward to tonight's date. While I was out with my Mum today I got a msg from another iron confirming a date on Tuesday. Showed the pic to my Mum and even she fancied him, lol!
Feel I'm getting out of my depth a bit but hey ho, will soldier on.

"it's really not you, it's them " Bant

Totally agree and think I am mature enough to accept /expect that but I am still allowed to complain about it

Ooh I enjoyed that proper OLD exchange of views back there! It makes for interesting reading.

I'm chuckling at the thought of setting up a profile that says "own hair and teeth". Unusually, these days, I've got my own eyebrows too...

To me if I have travelled and got ready for a date the least I expect is a message to tell me there not feeling it because I might be a stranger to them but I'm still a human with feelings and it's just really shitty behaviour.

I'll moan with you bloody then pick myself up and start the whole process again . Such is the fun of old.

I'm chatting to a new iron today. He keeps trying to lure me down the border line sexting but I'm having none of it. It's a Sunday after all. He has suggested meeting but he is away with work this week, I'm busy next weekend so have settled on the following week.

been I've got my own eyebrows too!! Who would have thought that would be a thing?!! My friend has hers tattooed on now!!

I agree, user149 - it's shitty behaviour to stand someone up, it's shitty behaviour to just disappear after you've formed a relationship with them.

I'm on the fence about whether a 'you're not right for me' message is the correct behaviour after one date. I've sent them before - perfectly polite, friendly and honest - and got pissy unpleasant responses. I've also sent them and got a 'shame, ah well, good luck' type of response.

That's the thing Bant if you send someone a message and then they harass you you've got every right to block them but many people would be ok fair enough and move on.
And yes I am guilty of over investing some men are just great at future faking and you can get sucked in.

Change I have a total fascination for those stencilled eyebrows. I can't take my eyes off them when I see I pair and I'm thinking: "for the love of God, why?" Some of them look like car paint that's been sprayed on

im walking around incessantly spraying air freshner as i await MrF’s arrival. i hate having people round for the first time - i clean everything. is he really going to be checking that my bedroom mirror is clean enough?

im using this date as an opportunity to decide if i want to see him again or not. im so 50/50 with him.

i very much only want to date someone if
i think they are “the one” and after my last 5 year relationship (he was The One but He Fucked Up) i dont want to be in another relationship.

who knows what will happen after i drink this bottle of rum though

I'm way behind and there's far too much to catch up on... just going to reiterate to Popcorn that you deserve way, way more than someone who won't even touch you let alone anything else. That sounds awful, he sounds awful. I can guarantee you'll feel far lonelier with someone emotionally and physically cold and distant than you will on your own.

I don't think 'ghosting' really applies until there's some sort of a relationship going, or at least quite a few dates. Before you meet or after one date I think it's more normal now for someone to fade away/disappear than not. Another reason why I normally talk to multiple irons so I'm not expecting too much from any one of them.

I agree with Been that making firm arrangements to meet and then standing the person up is the new low. It's happened to me and I think you just have to see it as yet another twat filter but it's a particularly shitty thing to do.

I've had comments on my normal eyebrows and lack of Snapchat filters. I haven't checked out the local female talent on POF or Tinder but I think there are quite a lot of microbladed deer out there

I have this vision of nursing homes for the elderly 30 or 40 years hence with old dears with tattooed lip liner, tattooed dark eyebrows and lasered patchy body hair with everything else looking its real age...

I have no idea what a Snapchat filter is, or how to use it. I don't use Snapchat or Instagram, so this stuff has passed me by - though I have, of course, seen the photos of people with bunny ears. Even men do it on OKC. Weird.

I had a message today. It was "Hi, how are you?" - I'm struggling to think of a response that isn't sarcastic.

When you have a bad experience, what do you do? Do you dust yourselves down and keep trying? Or just contemplate giving up?

I’ve just had a weird phone call with an iron. I had some doubts over the last day or so and in this call he was quite argumentative and made out I’d asked a stupid question. I’d asked him if he had many friends. Is that weird?! I do wonder why I’m bothering sometimes....

Reading this thread really does keep me sane and grounded.

Question for people ? Have spoken to this guy on the phone last night and we have arranged a coffee for mid week . Would you normally keep in touch with daily chit chat or just hang off a couple of days and reconnect ? What's too keen and what is showing interest ?

Tom I try and dust myself off and find someone new to take my mind off of it. There are times I want to give up though. Sounds like your iron over reacted to your question, I think it was a reasonable question to ask, he sounds a bit weird for reacting like that. I would ditch him and move on, probably a lucky escape.

Tom it's a hard one as lots of the people on OLD seem strange or flakey. I know it's a good idea to have a thick skin but that's really hard! Try to dust yourself off and carry on, but equally have a break if it's getting to you as it can be really draining!