Dating thread 130: dates with more issues than Vogue - mad March hares every one of 'em

[BeenThereDating]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread

and manners online are no longer a prerequisite because it’s only OLD

I didn't say that. I didn't say 'no longer'. And I didn't say "it's only". I've been doing OLD since before it was acceptable and it was the same then, over ten years ago.

Saying it is not a prerequisite is not saying it is OK, it's not OK. But you're not going to change people by getting angsty about it. Just accept it happens and move on. You can only change/control your reaction to it, not the fact that people do it.

Yuck Popple, well done showing him the door!

Bant I think your right, I don’t think it really counts as ghoasting if you haven’t me. I have been ghoasted a few times, usually after 3 or 4 dates and after DTD (maybe I’m rubbish in bed?). People often message me non stop for a few days or even weeks and then just vanish, it’s annoying but it seems to be the norm with OLD.

Wow seniorRita 10 years of OLD?
I bet you’ve met all sorts in this time!

Has it changed a lot?

I get bored with just messaging. If I was messaging a guy and it went on for weeks I would probably just stop. In fact, I think I have done. I don't want a penpal. Need to meet people quickly I think, to rule them in, or out.

love so many terms have been born from OLD!
Ghosting, slow fading, zombie-img and bread crumbing to mention a few

I stop messaging sometimes, there seems to be a lot of people who just want to chat with no real intention of meeting up, I’m happy to talk for a week before meeting, after that it can get a bit boring and you end up chatting to many people at once in hope one of them actually suggests a date.

I have been OLD for 3 years, I thought that was a long time but I’m not surprised people have been doing it longer, most of the faces I see on POF have been there since I started.

Best way to avoid over investing rita

I think the ghosting thing is down to a 'human contact is disposable' mentality that comes from using social media and smartphones. There, that's my old fart statement of the day. To me it's an extension of the keyboard warrior mentality where people feel able to send out vile abuse on Twitter.

Like it or not you need to change your thought process if after one or two dates you're that hurt by being ghosted as you're definitely over-investing way too soon. If they ghost you after DTD it's extremely cowardly and rude. I've read threads on MN where people are ghosted after having a full-on relationship for a year or more which I find shocking.

What's zombiefying?

So I'm also one of those people who doesnt message after 1 date if I dont see it going anywhere. I suppose its a matter of perspective and not getting invested at all beforehand (as I've said before, I prefer to meet quickly rather than messaging for weeks on end, but I realise not everyone is the same/has that flexibility).
Part of it is that meeting quickly really drives home what (for me) a first date is: evaluating if I am interested enough in this person to want to get to know them better.

So for me, I would only get in touch with someone I wanted to see again, and I very much expect (and have found) that most people are like that. So even though lots of people after a date will say they are interested in meeting again, to me thats often just politeness rather than actual interest.

Agree with all that Been.

I was OLD over ten years ago but I have not been doing it all that time, I've left a relationship after seven years in Dec 2016.

I've had people quite happily chatting away and next time you look their whole profile has gone. Married I reckon. Or maybe were chatting to a few, dating one and the date turned serious and they agreed to take down profiles. I don't mind that if that's the case and they don't owe me an explanation.

rosey apparently it’s when someone pops up from the dead again and sends a message after the disappeared previously. It does happen a lot! They always seem to come back...

anitt - that's exactly it, the first meet up isn't even a date really. It's just a meet up to see if they are tolerable.

That' also why I never have dinner on the first meet - only a drink or coffee. Can't afford to keep paying to eat out just to meet guys who I'm not interested in.

Rosy it's where someone brings a relationship back from the dead by reappearing after having vanished for a sustained period.

So much of this appalling behaviour needs the oxygen of low self esteem to survive and sadly there's always someone around who thinks abusive contact is better than no contact.

Really? So back in the day before OLD, when more people seemed to meet in real life... if you'd been out on 1,2 or 3 dates and the person in question left the last date, saying "I'll call you...." and then didn't, it wasn't ok to be hurt by that? I find that bizarre. I never thought I was one to over invest but by this standard then I clearly do. I'm not saying I sob for weeks on end, but I do find it hurtful that someone thinks, or thought so little of me that a short text, or call can't be made.

Ah thank you!
I'm meant to be going out tonight with Mr Hills but am full of the lurgy yet this will be the third time I cancel as I've been ill for weeks and just can't shift it! It'll also only be our 4th date. Should I suck it up and go or send another apologetic message?

Anitt I get that but I'd always be clear about my lack of interest largely because I really don't want to deal with a hopeful invitation a while later but I wouldn't sweat it if I didn't hear anything after date 1 or 2.

Been I personally never make encouraging noises if I'm not feeling it. But when I first started out, I definitely had a few akward moments where the other party were very keen to exchange numbers and the 'lets do something again sometime!' chat, and then when I would message them I would get the 'Oh, actually I'm not really interested' response. So I suppose thats also what has driven me towards no message if I'm not interested.

change I suppose everyone is different and it really depends on how the dates went I suppose. I think many people would rather take the easier option of not messaging rather than have the awkward conversation - especially if there is a chance that the other party is more keen and might take it badly. And again, for me it really comes back to how invested you were. I was upset when someone I'd been friends with for a few months and then dating for a few months broke up with me via vague text and no real explanation. But if someone I've only been on 2-3 dates with and was a bit meh about didnt respond or slow faded out of a conversation? I'm honestly not going to be too fussed about that. I might wonder why, but that would probably be it. But then I've also perfected the art of under-investing, so...

My point is that this bad behaviour was far less likely back in the pre-OLD day when effort was required. My boyfriends would drive to my house and pick me up. We might have met through friends, at a club or the pub but human interaction had taken place and being distracted by other potential dates was difficult. If he dumped me and ran back then he had a huge audience so some sort of social pressure worked on making him behave properly. Now because the speed, ease and emotional arms-length state of modern communication all of this makes it easy for someone to vanish and move on. I understand hurt feelings and wounded pride but you have to take that as part of the OLD package and learn how to move on quickly. I'm not saying you have to like the bad manners but you do need to see it (and believe it) as being a way of them eliminating themselves and not dwell on it.

I actually think that being deliberately stood up is the new low in OLD games.

I think it’s very sad that we treat real life as so different from online life.
Because it’s that kind of psychology that makes us treat online dating like it’s a video game.
The problem is that the process of online dating and app, dehumanise people, so we now have a situation where say and do things that we wouldn’t normally do because of our anonymity, because of the distance between us, because of the ease of closing the app and walking away from the situation and never having to face the consequences of our what we do and say..

Matthew Hussey recent blog!

Anitt yep, it's all about under-investing and (to my mind) keeping it slow at the beginning. I think with OLD there's so much 'rush, rush, rush' that people are declaring themselves in relationships within a couple of weeks when they still don't know the other person at all.

beenthere and changeoflife I agree with your points totally and what I am learning here is that many people don't think like this .Yes there is a disposable /pick n mix attitude to it all . I do not differentiate OLD people from anyone else that I would meet for whatever reason . I would say thank you /send a polite message .

In my limited experience so far I have had men who asked for 2nd dates but did not arrange them or did arrange them then disappeared before the date . Why do that ? It's just rude .Don't lead people on . Be honest . 10 years - Dear God , kill me now !

I suppose it swings in roundabouts. For me the relative anonymity of online dating makes it easier to send the "not interested" text rather than the process of actually having to make that potentially awkward phone call. I am definitely guilty of leaving things vague when ending a date that wasn't for me, but I'd always follow it up with a polite message wishing the other party good luck in finding what they were looking for. I always have the mantra, treat others as you wish to be treated, running through the back of my mind.

Sadly we seem to be in the minority change
I’m happy to be so!