Dating thread 130: dates with more issues than Vogue - mad March hares every one of 'em

[BeenThereDating]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread

Match is dead, think I’ll fire up POF again. Rescheduled date with MrMoves this week and communication is limping along, but if I’m honest I’m not feeling it; I do need similar conversational......energy, for want of a better word.

So I’m quite “meh” with it all at the moment.

Me too Cover I know I miss having someone who cares and I certainly miss the physical side of things and the rational me has an idea that to get those I have to put the work in and kiss some frogs, but I'm just not sure I can be bothered. No one I have been in contact with in the last 6 months has been amazing, just, ok or quite nice.
Think I will clean house, walk dogs and do some work instead today, have a good day everyone.

Thanks an awful lot to those of you who replied about my guy. I received a lovely text from him this morning, saying how sorry he was, and thanking me for a great night and meal. He said that what happened last night is something that happens to him from time to time, and not all the time. Some days he has a lot of abdominal pain and tension. He said that he really likes me, is incredibly attracted to me, and would like to see me again. He feels pretty certain that he has blown it.

I need some time to think about all of this. I get on really well with him, but was already a bit unsure due to the lack of attraction on my part (although had been willing to overlook this to a degree, because of his many other good attributes). So this hasn't really helped on that front. And I need to know the extent of the issues, and what it takes for him to be able to have sex. The sex wasn't great in my long-term marriage, so had been hoping for better when doing OLD!

I’m probably not the best person to comment, Dieu as I’d rather be single and have the hope that I’ll have a fulfilling relationship in the future, than compromise my needs/ideals just for the sake of not being single. I’d hold out for “hell yeah!” rather than “hmmmm, it’s OK I guess”.
If there’s a lack of attraction on your part.....why bother? Isn’t that just your gut saying “no”?

Hello everyone. I was on the thread a few months ago, gave myself a month out to get over a lovebomber but read the thread avidly. You all talked sense into me when I was with someone who didn't want to touch me or hold my sweaty hand and now I need you to talk sense into me again please.

Having been OLD for 2.5 years, I've had my fair share of dates, plus the lies/cheating/ghosting etc so I know the ropes.

Since Jan I have been dating a guy. He is solvent, has grown up children, lives closeby, texts regularly and I can't see him cheating on me, so that ticks a few important boxes for me. But there is nothing physical between us at all and it's not for lack of trying on my part. I see him about 4 times a week. We kiss hello and goodbye. And that's it. They are just pecks, there's no passion. We tried to DTD once but it was a disaster, he said he couldn't carry on. He said we could try again but he won't ever hug me or even touch me. I initiate everything. If I try to snuggle on the sofa he puts up with it for a while but then finds an excuse to move away. I try to go for a hug but he doesn't seem to want to hug me. I've had ONE compliment in six weeks.

I don't think he has had a real relationship for many years, if at all. The children were the result of a marriage that lasted just over a year, they're in their late twenties now.

He does have good points, I don't know if I should stick with it in case things improve or cut my losses - I have met such utter fuckwits I honestly can't bear to go back to Tinder and POF. But I'm a tactile person and I can't bear the lack of intimacy.

I just don't know what to do, I know I'm not a bad catch. But everyone who has caught me so far has let me down, which is why I'm tempted to stick with this guy. I figure at 50 I'm never going to find The One and I hate being lonely.

I think I know what I should do, would really appreciate your advice though.

Perhaps covermelads, I don't know. Guess I was hoping that he'd be a bit of a slow burner in the attraction department. And the blokes I've been most attracted to have let me down the most. I definitely wouldn't have held onto him for the sake of it, but wanted to give it a chance. Who knows now ...

Dieu - I think you should gently finish with him, as you are not attached to him, not the ED issues. I know I'm going to have to ask mine about his problem. He takes strong painkillers for his back which might explain the dozziness? Will have one more date with him and decide. I have another date today with MrNoShow. Decided to give him a second chance as he's sent me a couple of really apologetic sweet msgs. Yeah I'm a mug!!

My 3rd date last night with Mr Knotty Captain was prefect really.
Our chat is great and flows easily and if there are silences it doesn't feel awkward. We had a lovely meal then went back to his house. I guess we had MB lite (which were very tasty) but not shaving your legs is a great motivator for keeping your jeans on I'm looking forward to a sleepover date in the near future.

Popcorn I'd definitely let that one go. If he doesn't want to jump your bones at this early stage then he never will and it won't change. It's hard to let them go but it will destroy your self-esteem if you keep dragging this out.

@Popcornandjam I think you know this one isn't going anywhere. He sounds like a very good friend but that's it.

Popcornandjam I was married to a man like that. It won't get any better. Some men are just not very tactile - it just annoys them. The only saving grace in my marriage was that he was always keen to have sex and that fulfilled some of my tactile needs. Without that, it would have been very difficult. But he never touched me unless he wanted sex and in time I did grow to resent it.
In the absence of any sex it will make you feel very unloved, sorry. What was the problem? If he has ED, maybe he resists touching for fear it will lead to sex where he feels he can't perform? If that's the case maybe fixable, otherwise you may be best letting this one go.

Btw, hello to the thread. I've been lurking for a while, late 40s, separated from my husband for 2 years, started OLD late last summer.

just a question for fellow daters but how do you all deal with being ghosted? it's happened to me a few times after I've been on a date with someone and it always makes me feel like utter shit.
And knocks my already low self esteem.
Why do men and some women do this?

And how do you bounce back as it really puts me of OLD.

@user1490465531 it's not nice is it. It doesn't take two mins to send a text saying thanks but no thanks, you're not for me. This kind of texts aren't great to receive but preferable to being ghosted.

Don't give random strangers the power to affect you, you didn't know these men existed until very recently.

it just makes you feel am I that bad I had to be blocked like that. if I get a text like above I'm happy to leave it and grateful I know where I stand

It says more about that person than if does you. It's plain fucking rude and shows them in a bad light. Can't deal with bad manners.

Being ghosted is horrible. Especially after meeting. It's just plain rude and bad manners and quite honestly a cowards way out.

I don't think it's possible to be ghosted by someone you've never actually met, is it?

And after one date, going quiet on someone is rude, possibly, but it's just the same as not continuing a conversation with someone you've spent an hour or so with. Ghosting is only possible if you actually have some kind of real relationship.

I had a date with a woman a few weeks back. We met once, and vaguely talked about meeting again without either of us setting a time as we both had busy lives. Neither one of us felt strongly enough about the other to rearrange our schedules, so it just kind of petered out.

Technically, I sent the last message. She didn't read it for a day or so, and didn't send a reply. Was that ghosting me? The conversation had got down to a couple of desultory texts a day, for several days.

Sometimes things just don't work and it's obvious to both of you. Ghosting is only when one person is far more invested than the other, and only when you had a relationship of sorts. Other than that, it's just standard behaviour in the early stages of dating

In a dating context 'desultory' is never really a good thing :)

I agree that one date and then no contact is a bit impolite but not 'ghosting'. You do know where you stand if they block you, it's very clear.

I block people so they don't keep showing up in my searches and also from previous experience where people can go a bit odd after you tell them it's not going anywhere.

I last dated Dec, have had a break since then, dipped back onto OKC today and it is distinctly underwhelming. I have noted a couple I might message. Might.....don't feel terribly strongly about it....maybe just a desultory message...? ;)

I guess. But I also hate it when you've been chatting away with someone, arranged to meet and then they disappear on you. Perhaps it's just me, but I find that rude and bad manners too. Maybe ghosting isn't the correct term for that but it still doesn't feel great when it happens.

If you've actually arranged to me then no, it's very rude. But....manners aren't a pre-requisite of OLD (or life in general). I just think "well, that reduced the length of time to find out he's a twat".

So, that's how you move on to the next one. And.....back to the 'rules', don't over invest, it's not real til it happens.

change it’s not just you. I feel exactly the same, it’s bad manners at best, downright rude and cowardly too imo.

I’m actually quite surprised at a few posters saying it’s standard behaviour, or just a bit impolite, and manners online are no longer a prerequisite because it’s only OLD

Love reading all your updates!

I had a date on Friday night (2nd date), started off well and then downhill from there...

Think I was being love bombed but I just kind of went with it as haven’t had MB for a while.

Very tactile, came back to mine - served up pretty good moose burgers.

BUT THEN... an hour later he was like still up for it, and was demanding me to ‘sort him out’ (paraphrasing as too crude to write) and his final words were... ‘i’ll put a condom on, you just lie there and I’ll f**k you’.

I chucked him out there and then, but seriously, how disgusting, degrading and entitled is that?

Oh popple he’s not going to win any prizes for romance is he!
Urghh