Dating thread 130: dates with more issues than Vogue - mad March hares every one of 'em

[BeenThereDating]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread

The point is, val - that this thread isn't meant to be like OLD. If people want to have private conversations, fine. Everyone's a grown up.

It's just not the right place to be flirting like that, as it's happened before, which led to one bloke driving round the country, charming and subsequently shagging several members of the thread, all in the space of a few weeks, then ghosting them, and when it all came out on here it was fairly horrible to see the fall out.

And then quite a few posters said they'd felt uncomfortable with the conversations on here leading up to that but hadn't felt able to comment.

Rule 10 is there for a reason, and the spirit of it is important.

So i for one would appreciate if posters did their private communications in private. I'm sure others probably feel the same. It's just a bit icky.

Everything's going well with Mr... can't remember his nickname. But all going swimmingly. Smitten

Just checking in really so can keep catching up with everyone's stories.

I agree with bant to be honest...spidey senses a go go...

Well I return to the OLD thread...I've had 5 dates, one turned out to be married, another very possibly so, one just wasn't my type and the two I did like and had arranged second dates with bailed on the day we were supposed to meeting. Not entirely successful then so far! Especially as utterly crap MB were served, v drunkenly, with the two married twatbags. Still, lesson learnt...

I have another five irons and a non iron who seems obsessed with my lips and likes sending what I'm sure he thinks are sexy messages...
The initial ego boost I got from starting Tinder has definitely taken a battering!

Hi all! Long time, no see. Hope you're all well and that the dating's good for you. I had been dating a lovely guy, but alas, think it may have came to an end last night. As usual, I would appreciate your input very much.
On Date 3 (last weekend) he asked if we could spend the night together on Date 4 (last night). I said that I wasn't sure about that, that it might be a bit soon for me, but invited him over to my place for the first time, thinking that we could spend some time together and just see what happened. I spent HOURS yesterday cooking a lovely meal for us, cleaning my flat, getting ready, etc. I was excited about spending time with him somewhere other than the pub or restaurant, and his texts had intimated that the sex between us was going to be really good. Hmmm ...
So he comes round with a big bouquet (the first date to ever bring me flowers!), wine, and we have our meal. The evening goes really well, with flowing chat and belly laughs a-plenty. Then we end up on the sofa for a snuggle and snog, which gets fairly heated. He seemed really turned on. When I eventually touched his penis, there was nothing at all going on there. It was really pretty flaccid, and despite my best efforts, remained that way.
When I very gently asked him about it, he admitted that he had erectile problems due to health reasons. Something about medication for abdominal pains, and his pelvic floor (he's 42). He also said that his ex wife had given him issues around sex.
Poor bloke was absolutely mortified, and despite my reassurances that everything was ok and he had nothing to be ashamed of - and encouraging him to stay longer - he couldn't leave fast enough. He has always followed up every date with a wee text at the end of the night, and there was no text this time.
I feel a mixture of things now; embarrassment, ignorance (I've never encountered this issue before), disappointment, and slight annoyance that he didn't raise this before. I mean, what did he think was going to happen when he suggested we sleep together this weekend?
When he briefly told me of his issue last night, he basically made out that he needs viagra for sex.
Guys, I haven't had sex in AGES, and I'm just not sure that I want to sign up for this. A partner with sexual health problems wasn't on the agenda. It was so awkward last night, with both of us feeling like we had failed. If I have sex with someone, I want to feel like I have aroused them to get to that stage, and not just because they've taken a pill. Rightly or wrongly, it just doesn't sit well with me.
It's a shame because everything else was going well. While I can't say that I fancied him massively (yet, at least) there was a connection, and we were getting on really well.
Any thoughts? Thanks.

Dieu in my limited experience ED can be overcome without pills but it does require a lot of patience and understanding. It really isn't about him not being attracted to you - it's either medical or in his head. I feel really sorry for men sometimes - it's not like they can fake it. Only you know whether he is worth it.

He also said that his ex wife had given him issues around sex.

A friend of mine (and I do mean friend, not me!) had performance issues after he broke up with an ex who then proceeded to trash talk his bedroom skills.

Like your man, he couldn't get it up for a while which led to several very, very short relationships.

In the end, the solution was an understanding partner who encouraged him to take Viagra and after half a dozen or so successes, whatever psychological barrier he had was gone and he was able to proceed without medication.

Of course, this chap's issues may be entirely different, may be longer-lasting or even permanent. As Val says, the decision is yours...

Dieu I had a similar experience, lots of build up to how we were going to have amazing sex, how good our chemistry was etc etc. Went in for about 4 weeks before we had an opportunity to spend the night together and then bam, same problem. He couldn't maintain an erection at all. Unfortunately he took the opposite approach and rather than be honest and open and talk calmly, he blamed me. Apparently my independence (in life, not I bed!) was a turn off, I made him nervous because I didn't "need" him as such to run my life. How that meant he couldn't get an erection I'm not sure, I'm not a man but I walked away

Change - good call I think

Absolutely Val. I've had a couple like this who have made me question myself. I always come back to the same conclusion.... I've been separated for 5 years now. If I didn't do things myself, who the hell is going to do them?!!

Dieu I have expereanced this before, my last longe term partner a took viagra which helped a lot. I have also dated several men that have gone on and on about how brilliant sex will be only to get to doing the deed and they last all of 5 seconds, I think there are quite a few men over 40 that struggle. The pressure is always on for men to perform, we don’t have that problem as such. I hope he eventually messages you, first times are always a bit tricky, nerves play a big part but there are things that can help him.

Feeling a bit fed up, it’s sunday, my child free day but I have no date, my FWB that I met on an alternative site would happily come over but some of his ‘fantasy’s’ are creeping me out a bit and he keeps dropping hints about doing things I have said I won’t do. So I guess I’m spending the day on my own, will go to the gym and maybe go for a walk if the sun stays out and the snow disappears.

Oh my goodness... glad you poured cold water over them Bant It was getting a bit Two Shdes in here lol 😉
Anyways, I’m seeing Mr Smiley this evening, first time since last tues. we’ve chatted a bit by text about how we feel and what’s going on. He apologised if he seemed a bit ‘fu on and snappy’ earlier in the week and spoke about how cautious and careful he has to be with his daughter being so vulnerable and taking up a lot of his time, said at our age he kind of knows what he is looking for and doesn’t want to waste time or introduce his daughter to anyone who is going to run a mile afterward and make her ‘and him’ feel rejected or not good enough etc etc
He asked about the ‘exclusivity’ thing and we both agreed to go official? And see how it goes

So one question.... how much is too much in terms of seeing each other... at this stage?

We live in the same City and he can’t see me weekends at the moment ... how often do you think is reasonable to expect to see each other ?

first times are always a bit tricky

This x 1,000

In my experience, first times (maybe the first half dozen) are rarely indicative of long-term compatibility.

You don't know each others' bodies, what turns each other on, etc.

But more than that, you're likely inside your heads rather than letting go in the moment and that affects men and women in different ways.

As long as a woman is lubricated in some way she's good to go in terms of the mechanics (though emotionally it is still a massive big deal).

For a man, all those thoughts swirling around in his head can have a massive impact upon his performance - I want to please her, does she like this, does she like that, what if I can't get it up, what if I'm too quick, what if I can't finish - if any one of those things take hold... oh dear!

as long as a woman is lubricated in some way she is good to go
F*k me that’s a statement and a half! I think generally that may apply to a woman that you blow up?!
I’d like to think that getting a woman to the stage where she is naturally lubricated is part of the experience and that about feelings and skill of the person doing it ?

Well, date went ok. However, he was so tired that after one glass of wine he appeared to be totally pissed! He drove over so don't believe he'd been drinking before. Most odd. He kept asking to go to bed but I was in the party mood. He fell asleep on his chair around 10pm!! Eventually woke and we went to bed. DTD, v kinky! He didn't cum tho (sorry if tmi). He had lead poisoning apparently and has to take Viagra. I've known blokes who take Viagra but they still cum. We DTD again this morning and same thing. He had to finish himself off. Feeling a bit deflated tbh. Opinions anyone?? I really like him and am attracted to him so don't want to just give up. He's keen on me too. Don't know what the problem is or how to approach it. 🤔

Obviously much, much more to it than that Lost but I didn't want to go all Two Shades in my description

I'm a bit lost for words really - happy Sunday everyone

kin you are quite explicit!
Byrons this is the second issue with viagra in last 24 hrs... I also get a bit paranoid if they don’t climax. I never have myself.... just the way some women are apparently... but I must admit I dont like it if the man didn’t lol... I guess we associate it with not fulfilling them sexually but actually there are probably all sorts of reasons.... There are a few guys on here who may be able to help with that one.
I am yet to experience anyone needing to use viagra ....

byrons it's hard to advise what to do. How many dates have you had? Are you able to talk to him about the things that didn't work for you? Personally I'd struggle with someone coming round to mine and then falling asleep at 10pm. Unless we'd been dating for ages and was comfortable enough to do that.

byrons - that sounds like someone with a porn addiction to me.

Lead poisoning has a slight possibility of causing ED, but a combination of alcohol and porn is more likely, to be honest.

Morning, well I am on a roller coaster of emotion and it's only 10am! I just finished a stupidly romantic book (should def stick to thrillers at the moment) which left me craving a close loving relationship again, then came on here, read about blokes falling asleep and ED issues and I'm not so fussed any more!
I have a invite to visit someone I felt had some issues which I helpfully pointed out to them and to be fair over the last few weeks they appear to have taken it on board. I may be being soft as our experiences in the bedroom were very good it was other stuff that put me off, I'm tempted to give it another go as he has a lot going for him and I may be being unfairly harsh with my ideals.
Snowing again here, I am so fed up with this crappy weather, another 5 mile walk to get bread and milk ...if the deliveries made it!

My summer fling / FB had on-off ED (type 1 diabetes + some fairly serious substance abuse & neglect of his health in the past). It really wasn't an issue, I think because he was very open about it & happy to discuss, & made it very obvious that it wasn't because he didn't fancy me. If no-one's stressed about it there are plenty of other options in bed that are fun for both parties. . .

Having said that he was generally very emotionally open / honest, not sure many people (men or women) would find it easy to be that straightforward.

ignoring yes to this " then came on here, read about blokes falling asleep and ED issues and I'm not so fussed any more!"

Hi everyone - can I join and get your valuable thoughts? Started OLD end of December- meet someone, went on 8 dates including weekend away, then had a silly argument over a friend of mine. Cooled things down but have recently seen each other twice. The problem I'm having is sometimes we text constantly, other times he won't communicate for 24hrs - am I expecting too much or us he playing games?

Dieu - so I think that all the other signs were there, he was obviously attracted to you and you said yourself things were getting hot & steamy on the sofa.... so he IS attracted to you and I don't think (for me anyway) it would be an issue if a guy had to take viagra to get an erection . I mean - I would say it is lucky that at least men have something to help in that department!

I got diagnosed with ovarian failure at 32 which completely floored me, I can't have anymore children and my sex drive was non existent for years. It has improved recently and I think for me this is a psychological barrier I have had to get over & it hasn't come easy. My meds have helped too and for that I am grateful.... I wasn't sure they were to start with but I now know that they are working 🙈

Everybody has some sort of issue/hang up when it comes to sex and unfortunately in the case of ED some are more obvious than others.

If you want to see him again or even if you are just want to give him a bit of reassurance I would probably text and see if he wants to take about it x