Feeling suffocated in my marriage

[Miserableinmarriage]

Hi everyone, this is my first post but I am in desperate need of some advice

I am 30 and have been with DH since I was 18. Married almost 7 years and have DD who will be 4 in August.

I don't feel like I love my husband any more. He is a good man, but I feel so suffocated and bored by our marriage.

I'm not even sure where to begin but I know I have been feeling this way for quite some time and I find myself waking up thinking....today is the day I tell him I want a divorce but then the thought of breaking his heart kills me.

I have no doubt that DH is happy plodding along in our marriage even though we both know that it is terrible at the moment. He is a very simple man in terms of what he wants from life. He is set in routine and hates anything that changes it. Every day up for work, home, walk dog, dinner, shower, play with DD an hour then watch football or some other dribble on tv.

He provides for both me and DH and would give his last penny if DH needed something but at the same time there is no drive or fire in him. It even drives his father mad!

Our sex life is zero. I have no desire to have him kiss or touch me never mind sex. When he does try to initiate sex I almost feel like I'm doing it out of duty and could burst into tears during it at any point.

I love to cuddle and be close but he hates it which over the years I thought I could deal with but I crave to be held by someone not just looking to have a quickie. The only time he ever shows me affection is in bed when he wants a bit, this puts me off even more!

I love to socialise but DH hates it. Obviously I knew this from the beginning but he would have made some effort to go out with me then. Now he just point blank refuses. He doesn't drink very much so doesn't like to stay anywhere very long. He would happily arrive somewhere at 8pm and be home for 10pm with a cup of tea and go to bed. I on the other hand love socialising, I love dancing, having fun with the girls then leaving for a takeaway once we have been kicked out lol and I would love a partner who would like to go out with me! Im lucky if that happens once a year these days. DH will never outright say he doesn't want me to out but in the run up to any nights out I have planned he will start making comments about me drinking, having a hangover, not being there to put DD to bed and generally just having a dig until I finally give in and cancel. Then he ends up going to bed at 9pm anyway and I'm left sitting on my own all night when I could have been out having fun.

It has become a running joke in work that I have to ask permission before I'm allowed out. Sad thing is it's kind of true. My team would tend to go out maybe once every couple of months but as it normally a Friday DH disagrees with it because I will be going out straight from work and therefore won't see DD until the next morning.

I understand where he is coming from but I work part time 15 hours to allow me to be with DD most of the week so I don't feel that it is unreasonable to be away from her for a few hours after work! Am I wrong???

I also run a pretty successful business alongside my part time job that I work around DD being at nursery and when she goes to bed etc. It started off as something to do in the evenings because I was so bored and DH gave off if I went to the gym and left him to do bedtime duties. 5 minutes trying and he is done so bedtime is normally me. Same with night feeds when she was a baby!

I know I could further my business immensely, I have big dreams for it. But every time I chat to DH about it he tells me just to leave it as it is and I do enough. He doesn't help me with it at all, isn't supportive of it but knows we need it to bring my wage up to a full time wage. Last year I went away for 1 day on a training day/class that had been bought as a 30th present. Although DH didn't stop me, he did repeatedly make comments about me galavanting as if I should be grateful I was allowed to go!!

We have absolutely nothing in common, nothing to talk about. If he talks about work it's stories from all the 50-60 year old men he works with. If I talk about the ones I work with and funny things that have been said or done it's almost like he is looking down his nose at them!

I know this all makes him sound bad. He is a good man that would do anything for his daughter. There is just nothing between us anymore.

Should I suck it up and be thankful that he is reliable and a great dad or is there more to life at 30?? I know if I leave it will break his heart but I wonder how many more Friday and Saturday nights I can sit by myself at 9pm wondering how my life would be if I left! I have got to the point where I am grumpy and snappy all the time now because I am so frustrated but he doesn't see any problem 😟

Sorry for rambling on this is the first time I've actually put in to words some of the things I'm feeling.

Thanks for any advice!

If you want to leave, you do not need his permission. You are allowed to be happy too.

I would feel smothered and resentful in this situation, but then again, I would just go out and not be guilt tripped into giving up my social life. It doesn't mean you love your daughter less if you have fun you know? You're only 30. Fun is allowed.

Hi OP - i didnt want to read and run - but my own situation is sort of similar to yours, only we have 2 children and 2 dogs. Do you have family closely you can stay with until you figure out what you want to do? My initial thought is perhaps counselling - as its doesn't sound as if you are ready/want to leave him. But yes - there is more to life than what you are going through, i feel the same but i dont know what else to do myself - i have no family i can go to and things are a little more complicated. Happy to chat if you want to. Good luck x

Thank you for your replies! @midnightmisssuki I do have family close although I wouldn't be able to stay with them. I also run my business from home so if I leave I need to have somewhere ready to start working from straight away. I have looked at alot of rentals recently, imagining myself and DS together in them.

At the moment we are living life as if it is a childcare arrangement, passing each other and talking through DD. This is mainly my fault as I just can't stand to be around him for any period of time now.
I once longed for him to do things with me, even if it was a meal and a couple of drinks while somebody watched DD. Our friends have a great social life together and I can't help but feel envious of the time they spend together whereas he looks down on them because they aren't spending time with their DS 😞

I can't remember the last time we actually had fun together, even holidays are stressful! The constant jobs and bickering have me absolutely drained, I go out of my way to leave the house or avoid him in the house as much as possible. I don't work in my office job on a Monday and Tuesday and these are honestly the best days of my week when it is just me and DD without anyone dictating to us 🙈

Omg you sound just like me OP , I'm am 33, DH 49, we are literally on the brink of divorce , I find him so full and boring , if I go out for a drink I pay for it for a week of him sulking, he never goes out , or socialises , sticks to his routine etc , I'm so fed up , just wanted u to know I are not alone

@Rosie84 it's comforting to know I'm not the only one feeling like this although sad too that you feel the same.

I have actually got to the point now where I wouldn't even want to spend time with him even if he all of a sudden changed. I don't believe we would have anything to talk about other than DD if we went for a meal together. If we ever are out we normally have her with us so both concentrate on what she is doing or talking to her. I don't have the desire to spend time with him Now, there is zero spark or excitement for me.

I know the grass isn't always greener and in the future if I ever did meet someone am I foolish to think the same thing wouldn't happen again??

Are there couples out there 10-15 years into their relationships that still have fun together, chat freely and enjoy being in each other's company🤔

Seriously DH and I have been together 18 years and I am sociable he is not. He has never made it difficult for me to go out, he's always helped put the DC to bed etc. The one time I came home very drunk he wasn't impressed but it wasn't ever mentioned as s reason why I shouldn't go out!

Your H sounds controlling...

We are middle aged and quite boring but we still laugh a lot, have our own interests. We have had very shit times in our marriage but always encouraged to have my own hobbies/life/friends something apart from being a Mum I guess.

Well my DH does make it difficult and it is literally suffocating , I feel so trapped, Saturday I stayed out all day as I can't take it anymore he got my daughter to call me at ,6 pm to ask where dinner was

He is happy to sit in all weekend watching the news and paying no attention to me at all, I've often thought he may have autism or something as I seriously don't get him anymore .
I'm doing counselling alone as after 15 years my mind is that much fucked up I can't take anymore, I'm so lonely and miserable and suffocated I don't know which way to turn

so sad to read these if you are that unhappy in your marriage make steps towards leaving.

How is your counselling going? I feel exactly the same. I'm tormenting myself so I have been considering getting in contact with relate to speak to someone. Xx

@randommess thank you for your replies 😊 I couldn't tell you the last time we laughed together. Everything is always so serious. I am so light hearted in work then I come home and everything is so serious all the time. DH doesn't have any interests at all which also frustrates me. I try to encourage him to try new things, join a club he might have an interest in etc. But he doesn't want to. It makes for very boring conversations between ourselves because other than the old men he works with he has nothing to talk to me about.

DH and I have been married 16 years. I like to socialise, he doesn't, so when I go out, he's happy to stay at home with the children and watch something I have no interest in/ play on his computer. We have very different interests yet still find common ground and enjoy each other's company. Our sex life, well... the less said about that the better, but overall we're happy.

You are so young! I didn't meet my OH until we were in our thirties - you have all the time in the world to meet someone else who suits you and makes you happy. Maybe your DH could also meet someone better suited and then your daughter would have two happy parents?

I'm many years down the line from you (although had my kids later) and I know lots of couples who are happy together, laugh, have fun and are a real team and have been together since teens now in late forties - really happy and affectionate and have fun together. I also have several sets of friends for whom their first marriage didn't work out but who found love the second time around.

It sounds so sad to be trapped like you are, maybe it is time to make the leap - life is short, you should enjoy it!

I guess I'm scared of breaking our family up. DD adores her daddy and vice versa she is the Apple of his eye. He is a good father but I just don't know if I can face another 30/40 years of feeling so miserable in a sexless marriage where I can't even stand him giving me a peck goodbye. I find myself deliberately waiting until I know he is asleep before I go to bed so that I don't have to have sex. That's not really a great sign is it??

At best he sounds a crashing bore. Is he much older than you OP? Because he sounds like a man in late middle age, who has basically given up on life, and expects you to do the same.

This alone would be bad enough, but there are indications there that he is trying to control you. He doesn’t like you enjoying yourself and makes comments to put you off going out on your own. I think your workmates can see what is going on, and while they’re joking about asking permission, they’re right aren’t they ?

He also isn’t interested in your happiness. He doesn’t want you to develop your business (and it’s clear just how excited you are about it - even I feel excited for you, and all I’ve done is read your post :) )

You also say he dictates to you and you’re happier when he isn’t there. So he’s not just a boring person, is he. He is dictatorial and making your life unhappy.

It sounds like it’s time to make tracks out of there.

I'm just horrified he won't let you go out and forces all the wifework on you it's like something out of the 50s

It sounds awful. I really couldn't be dealing with getting permission from my DH to go out.

I would check he's going to be home to stay with the kids (when they were younger) but it's not permission...and he couldn't stop me going out.

I'd simply ignore his moaning

Get out while you're young and can start over.

This all so sad and miserable - I really feel for you. I really think you should tell him your unhappy and you want to go to relate. If he wants to go with you great - you maybe able to work though some stuff. If he says no then his loss.

He is good around the house in terms of being very neat and putting washes on etc just doesn't want a life outside these four walls which I could deal with if it didn't also mean me not having one.

Silly things like I mentioned earlier I would love the hustle and bustle of living in a big city like London etc. Wasn't even a comment aimed towards him, just came out while I was looking at a snowy pic on Instagram. His reply basically don't talk rubbish sure it would be crap living in a tiny apartment that costs a fortune and people everywhere.

I know that's not a big deal but he just makes me feel so little when I say somesomething he doesn't agree with. Like I'm silly for even thinking about it.

@trackrbird you would think he was but no lol he is 31 going on 81.

I do get excited about my business, but anytime I have something in mind that might mean me doing courses or being away from the house a little bit he knocks me down and makes me feel like it's all just silly ideas. Anything that messes with his routine is a no no lol

Thank you all for your replies, I really didn't think I would get any or if I did people would think I am making a mountain out of a mole hill

Why do you listen when he tries to drag you back down? Is it because you don't want the hassle of his sulking if you do decide to go out or expand your business? If so, could you work on ignoring his moods to see if they stop?

Find your inner strengths and start doing things regardless. It is perfectly reasonable for you to say "you may not want go out and do x y z but I do, I wasn't asking your permission I was letting you know that you will need to look after the DC that evening/day"

That's a very good question @Gummygoddess I guess part of it is guilt. On the rare occasion I do go out, i will get a message to say how upset DD was going to bed and she will probably be up soon looking for me. (She doesn't sleep, never has 😂😴) so I feel awful for leaving them then and can't really enjoy myself.

In regards to developing my business I guess I just feel belittled with no support. I would love a partner who was fully behind me, there to encourage me and support me. See the potential in me too and offer constructive criticism if required not just rule it out because it's an inconvience.

Hi -
Didn't want to read and run, I'm not sure I have much to say to help! I'm sorry you're feeling in a sad place
I agree with some of the PP - my husband isn't a social person - but he encourages me to go out and will often come and pick me up. We have lots of shared interests and have a laugh, sex life is up and down but who's isn't after several years of marriage! We don't have kids and don't intend to (he already has two) so I can't fully understand how that must make you feel, but previous to meeting my DH I was with my ex for 8 years and he used to moan at me about certain aspects of my personality. Not for going out but being too bossy or outspoken for example and I thought this was normal. I never thought I would meet someone who would embrace and love all these parts of me but I did! I guess what I am trying to say, is that if you truly feel this way then I think you should consider taking some time on your own for a while/permanently. While it may be hard I think you may be happier in the long run to feel at peace and love who you are without someone pulling you down because you like to have a bit of fun now and then xx

Your H is VERY controlling he is completely out of order to use emotional blackmail on you. Turn your phone off next time.

He wants to keep you under his thumb and it's working isn't it?

TBH I would get your ducks in a row and divorce