Feeling suffocated in my marriage

[Miserableinmarriage]

Hi everyone, this is my first post but I am in desperate need of some advice

I am 30 and have been with DH since I was 18. Married almost 7 years and have DD who will be 4 in August.

I don't feel like I love my husband any more. He is a good man, but I feel so suffocated and bored by our marriage.

I'm not even sure where to begin but I know I have been feeling this way for quite some time and I find myself waking up thinking....today is the day I tell him I want a divorce but then the thought of breaking his heart kills me.

I have no doubt that DH is happy plodding along in our marriage even though we both know that it is terrible at the moment. He is a very simple man in terms of what he wants from life. He is set in routine and hates anything that changes it. Every day up for work, home, walk dog, dinner, shower, play with DD an hour then watch football or some other dribble on tv.

He provides for both me and DH and would give his last penny if DH needed something but at the same time there is no drive or fire in him. It even drives his father mad!

Our sex life is zero. I have no desire to have him kiss or touch me never mind sex. When he does try to initiate sex I almost feel like I'm doing it out of duty and could burst into tears during it at any point.

I love to cuddle and be close but he hates it which over the years I thought I could deal with but I crave to be held by someone not just looking to have a quickie. The only time he ever shows me affection is in bed when he wants a bit, this puts me off even more!

I love to socialise but DH hates it. Obviously I knew this from the beginning but he would have made some effort to go out with me then. Now he just point blank refuses. He doesn't drink very much so doesn't like to stay anywhere very long. He would happily arrive somewhere at 8pm and be home for 10pm with a cup of tea and go to bed. I on the other hand love socialising, I love dancing, having fun with the girls then leaving for a takeaway once we have been kicked out lol and I would love a partner who would like to go out with me! Im lucky if that happens once a year these days. DH will never outright say he doesn't want me to out but in the run up to any nights out I have planned he will start making comments about me drinking, having a hangover, not being there to put DD to bed and generally just having a dig until I finally give in and cancel. Then he ends up going to bed at 9pm anyway and I'm left sitting on my own all night when I could have been out having fun.

It has become a running joke in work that I have to ask permission before I'm allowed out. Sad thing is it's kind of true. My team would tend to go out maybe once every couple of months but as it normally a Friday DH disagrees with it because I will be going out straight from work and therefore won't see DD until the next morning.

I understand where he is coming from but I work part time 15 hours to allow me to be with DD most of the week so I don't feel that it is unreasonable to be away from her for a few hours after work! Am I wrong???

I also run a pretty successful business alongside my part time job that I work around DD being at nursery and when she goes to bed etc. It started off as something to do in the evenings because I was so bored and DH gave off if I went to the gym and left him to do bedtime duties. 5 minutes trying and he is done so bedtime is normally me. Same with night feeds when she was a baby!

I know I could further my business immensely, I have big dreams for it. But every time I chat to DH about it he tells me just to leave it as it is and I do enough. He doesn't help me with it at all, isn't supportive of it but knows we need it to bring my wage up to a full time wage. Last year I went away for 1 day on a training day/class that had been bought as a 30th present. Although DH didn't stop me, he did repeatedly make comments about me galavanting as if I should be grateful I was allowed to go!!

We have absolutely nothing in common, nothing to talk about. If he talks about work it's stories from all the 50-60 year old men he works with. If I talk about the ones I work with and funny things that have been said or done it's almost like he is looking down his nose at them!

I know this all makes him sound bad. He is a good man that would do anything for his daughter. There is just nothing between us anymore.

Should I suck it up and be thankful that he is reliable and a great dad or is there more to life at 30?? I know if I leave it will break his heart but I wonder how many more Friday and Saturday nights I can sit by myself at 9pm wondering how my life would be if I left! I have got to the point where I am grumpy and snappy all the time now because I am so frustrated but he doesn't see any problem 😟

Sorry for rambling on this is the first time I've actually put in to words some of the things I'm feeling.

Thanks for any advice!

Miserable. I haven't rtft. However you are 30.... you could both live till you're 80 plus. Can you imagine living like this for another 50 years or more?

When you see your parents today, can you talk to them about it? Might be a good idea for your family to know so they can give you the support you need.

Don't delay. You're literally wasting your life (and his) together. Xxx

Good luck

So he goes to bed 9pm every night but you're not permitted to go out instead as it means him putting DD to bed - FFS!!! Life is too short. Just think he may actually have to learn to parent DD during his overnight contacts.

9pm - 7am, is 10 hours in bed, ridiculous when you have DC and no health issues!!!

I don’t think he sounds like a nice person, at all OP. You say he’s a great father but he sounds more like a Disney dad that only wants to do the fun stuff, with his daughter, but none of the actual parent work. You’re doing all the wife work, he manipulates you to stop you going out and he’s even managed to persuade you to hold off growing your business. None of that strikes me as being a good husband or father. Sorry OP, but I think he’s a manipulative, self serving prick.

I couldn’t live that miserable life. If you’re not prepared to leave him, then TELL him you’re going to start going out with friends, building up your business and enjoying life. Be careful he doesn’t then decide he’s going out with you, because he’ll spend the night chipping away at you.

Sounds like my marriage too just can’t afford to leave yet but divorce is on the cards in a few years same as you got dd aged 4. Same fears as you of breaking up a family etc but reading most of the advice here it’s better for a child to see her parents happy... living separately....couldn’t agree more. Me and my h absolutely hate each other .it all comes out when he’s drunk and no way I can love and forgive him I record whatever he says and sends them to his phone.... I keep all the recordings for divorce court. You only live once.

User that sounds awful! It sounds like you have made your decision already! Hopefully you can move on soon! .

I almost wish DH would do something to give me a reason for leaving without feeling so guilty. I know he would never end it so it has to be me. I'm the unhappy one,he just wants to plod along in his little bubble where he doesn't have to bother with other people etc

He refuses to compromise or help fulfil your needs, he is guilty of not making any effort in your marriage. It's already ended just not legally.

He may have an epiphany when you tell him you are divorcing but it seems unlikely

@Miserableinmarriage I found your post and it sounds 98% identical to my situation now. I know it has been 7 years since your last post and wondering how you are doing??

Marriage is about compromise.
He is ruling the roost and it’s unfair. I don’t think he loves you at all. You are there to do his bidding.
I am a fair bit older than you and due to a physical issue can’t get out as much I’d like to. How I miss being out and about all the time.
My other half is self employed and also has a hobby he loves. So we work on it together in that I support him and he finds time for me.
Today he is off on a hiking trip for the day and a lovely friend is coming to me for afternoon tea.
Being honest, I do get a bit of a pang when he goes out but only because I just can’t do as much. But no way would I have him at home as often.
I don’t think this man would be heartbroken if you left. I think it would be his pride and what other people think.
He doesn’t want you to have a life, lovely, and that’s not love.
Don’t be sitting there at my age - mid 50s - when your DD is grown up wishing you’d had a life.
Go and live it and get that business growing.
Believe me, men like him don’t change but if their marriage ends they just potter about boring themselves to death.