Feeling suffocated in my marriage

[Miserableinmarriage]

Hi everyone, this is my first post but I am in desperate need of some advice

I am 30 and have been with DH since I was 18. Married almost 7 years and have DD who will be 4 in August.

I don't feel like I love my husband any more. He is a good man, but I feel so suffocated and bored by our marriage.

I'm not even sure where to begin but I know I have been feeling this way for quite some time and I find myself waking up thinking....today is the day I tell him I want a divorce but then the thought of breaking his heart kills me.

I have no doubt that DH is happy plodding along in our marriage even though we both know that it is terrible at the moment. He is a very simple man in terms of what he wants from life. He is set in routine and hates anything that changes it. Every day up for work, home, walk dog, dinner, shower, play with DD an hour then watch football or some other dribble on tv.

He provides for both me and DH and would give his last penny if DH needed something but at the same time there is no drive or fire in him. It even drives his father mad!

Our sex life is zero. I have no desire to have him kiss or touch me never mind sex. When he does try to initiate sex I almost feel like I'm doing it out of duty and could burst into tears during it at any point.

I love to cuddle and be close but he hates it which over the years I thought I could deal with but I crave to be held by someone not just looking to have a quickie. The only time he ever shows me affection is in bed when he wants a bit, this puts me off even more!

I love to socialise but DH hates it. Obviously I knew this from the beginning but he would have made some effort to go out with me then. Now he just point blank refuses. He doesn't drink very much so doesn't like to stay anywhere very long. He would happily arrive somewhere at 8pm and be home for 10pm with a cup of tea and go to bed. I on the other hand love socialising, I love dancing, having fun with the girls then leaving for a takeaway once we have been kicked out lol and I would love a partner who would like to go out with me! Im lucky if that happens once a year these days. DH will never outright say he doesn't want me to out but in the run up to any nights out I have planned he will start making comments about me drinking, having a hangover, not being there to put DD to bed and generally just having a dig until I finally give in and cancel. Then he ends up going to bed at 9pm anyway and I'm left sitting on my own all night when I could have been out having fun.

It has become a running joke in work that I have to ask permission before I'm allowed out. Sad thing is it's kind of true. My team would tend to go out maybe once every couple of months but as it normally a Friday DH disagrees with it because I will be going out straight from work and therefore won't see DD until the next morning.

I understand where he is coming from but I work part time 15 hours to allow me to be with DD most of the week so I don't feel that it is unreasonable to be away from her for a few hours after work! Am I wrong???

I also run a pretty successful business alongside my part time job that I work around DD being at nursery and when she goes to bed etc. It started off as something to do in the evenings because I was so bored and DH gave off if I went to the gym and left him to do bedtime duties. 5 minutes trying and he is done so bedtime is normally me. Same with night feeds when she was a baby!

I know I could further my business immensely, I have big dreams for it. But every time I chat to DH about it he tells me just to leave it as it is and I do enough. He doesn't help me with it at all, isn't supportive of it but knows we need it to bring my wage up to a full time wage. Last year I went away for 1 day on a training day/class that had been bought as a 30th present. Although DH didn't stop me, he did repeatedly make comments about me galavanting as if I should be grateful I was allowed to go!!

We have absolutely nothing in common, nothing to talk about. If he talks about work it's stories from all the 50-60 year old men he works with. If I talk about the ones I work with and funny things that have been said or done it's almost like he is looking down his nose at them!

I know this all makes him sound bad. He is a good man that would do anything for his daughter. There is just nothing between us anymore.

Should I suck it up and be thankful that he is reliable and a great dad or is there more to life at 30?? I know if I leave it will break his heart but I wonder how many more Friday and Saturday nights I can sit by myself at 9pm wondering how my life would be if I left! I have got to the point where I am grumpy and snappy all the time now because I am so frustrated but he doesn't see any problem 😟

Sorry for rambling on this is the first time I've actually put in to words some of the things I'm feeling.

Thanks for any advice!

I can kind of relate OP, my marriage is very similar. Im only 32, I feel too young to feel this sad about my life.

Well he can suck it up. Your DD will be with him some nights if you divorce so he can stop with the guilt tripping (and think of all the time you can go out without having anyone to answer to). I wouldn't be surprised if he encouraged her to make you feel bad with the behaviour you're describing.

If you are planning on leaving him then there's no time like the present to start practicing neutrality towards his behaviour. You also need to start working out your expansion plans now rather than waiting until you're stressed by a separation.

Neither DH or I go out much, but we don't snipe at each other or make each other feel bad for going. The only time I have 'stopped' DH going is because some weird door to door people came around just after he had left and I started to feel a bit frightened of being alone. Even then I didn't demand he came back.

I didn’t read it all yet apologies but sometimes I feel like when we expect too much from life we can get fed up & miserable. If your little family is healthy & has enough cask to live relatively comfortable then everything else is trivial in the grand scheme of things. If my husband told me I couldn’t go out straight from work I’d laugh in his face, he’s at home just tell him your away out on the weekends. He likes to stay in I would prefer that than a man that lives in the pub tbh. Just go out more yourself with your friends & pass no heed of his digs.

Hey hon, I know how you feel. Basically it took me finding out my DH wasn't quite as perfect as I thought to grow some balls, make some new friends (meet up) and basically have slightly the upper hand, before that I had let him go off for retreat breaks on his own, generally always come first and we were far too co dependent. Sometimes I think you have to be prepared to lose something to gain something. In your case I would start by telling him you are chronically bored and unless he listens up and allows you to get a bit of a life away from him it isn't going to end well. It isn't an easy conversation I know, but neither is saying you want to split, so I would try this route first. The fact he is old before his time doesn't mean you have to be.

He CAN’T be only 31!

He sounded more like your Dad than your DH...then I thought no, more like your Grandad. But no, I know someone who is 80+, and while he doesn’t hit the nightclubs so often, he is much more fun than that.

On a more serious note: quite aside from his old man act, I can see more and more indicators that you are in a controlling relationship.

He’s showing you no affection. He’s taking deliberate steps to prevent you from being away from him, and guilt tripping you if you disregard him. He’s belittling your opinions and trying to pour cold water on your dreams.

This is not a dull but otherwise loving man; this is a man who is trying to keep you in your place. Effectively, he wants you serving him in some way.

I know you said he’s a good father, and your DD adores him: but almost every woman in a controlling relationship says the same thing. :(

This situation will get worse over time. Please save yourself, your dreams, and your family happiness, and consider how you might build a new life, away from him.

I would leave I think. I’ve been with my DH 18 years , we still laugh , have sex and go out and socialise. Not that it’s in any way perfect but the fundamental thing is we get each other and get on most of the time .
I couldn’t stand to be sitting in silence when I have a social fun personality that it sounds like you do OP.
Your post has made me feel really sad for you.

I agree with pp, my DH would always go out of his way to encourage me to have a night out. It is not on that he makes you feel this way. You are young, you only live once, you deserve more than this. You know you do.

I'd have a truthful talk with him, when DD is asleep, and calmly tell him that things have got to change, be specific about your needs, or you cannot continue the marriage.

Good luck 💐

There seems to be a few things going on here and yes on the face of it he sounds like a massive fun vacuum and very negative also.
From experience - if you do nothing and carry on whilst feeling resentful you're very vulnerable to having an affair. I may be flamed for that but you're ripe for meeting someone who just "gets you" and is your "soulmate" and making a big old mess for yourself (speaking from experience).

You should certainly find a GOOD psychotherapist to talk through some of these issues and to strengthen yourself

Realize you can't change him but you can change your responses to his behaviour (which in turn could change things)

• for example just plan nights out for yourself you don't need permission
• ignore his messages when you're out having fun (I know people male and female whose spouses constantly check up on them whilst out and it's unacceptable)
• make a list of things you're not happy about in the relationship and sit down and discuss with him making clear they are deal breakers - examples would be you and he having a non negotiable date night once a month (even if just the cinema), you having a work night out and a lie in the nxt day once a month- and no texts unless an emergency etc

Lastly realize it IS normal to have a life and interests outside him and DC and it makes you a better person to have them.

He sounds horribly controlling..of course you're miserable in the relationship.

I don't think he sounds like a good dad; good dads don't control, belittle or undermine the mothers of their children. He seems really manipulative as well.

Is he stuck in a timewarp? He wants a housewife from the 50s not an independent woman with what sounds like a good business and her own interests.

I agree with RandomMess, you have to start doing things regardless.

Otherwise you won’t just be resentful but depressed.

My DH doesn’t enjoy the socialising stuff I enjoy and I’ve learnt to do stuff on my own and with friends.
He would never stop me going out.

I’m surprised you’re not depressed already.
He stops you going to courses which would benefit your business and actively prevents you from developing and getting on in life?

He doesn’t have your best interests at heart, is at best a moany idiot stuck in the 50s, at worst a manipulative and controlling bastard.

You are 30 FFS. Live your life now! My neighbours’ life sounds way more exciting and they’ll be 80 next year.

He is not a good father to his DD if he is treating you as her mother like this. He is a fun sucker and controlling to boot. He does this because he can and it works for him.

Would you want this sort of relationship for her as an adult, no you would not. You are currently showing her that currently at least, this is still acceptable to you on some level. What do you get out of this relationship now?. What is in this for you?

If he's such a good DF and she's 'the apple of is eye', why can't he put his DD to bed?

Have you told him how you feel, OP? The strength of your feeling and that you are considering divorce? If not, I feel you should, if only so he isn't blindsided by it and has a chance to make changes.

Was just about to ask the same, have you told your DH EXACTLY how you feel?

Hey OP, what was your DH upbringing like? Mum & Dad etc?

Bubba1234 I know I should be thankful that I have a healthy family and a nice house. It makes me feel even worse for feeling how I do.

The feeling like I'm not allowed to have a social life/friends because I should be tied to the house/family 24/7 isn't the only issue, I don't want people thinking I just want to go out and party all the time. That isn't the case at all. Even just a coffee with friends without feeling like I need to be rushing back, I always feel like I'm on the clock. I went out a few weeks ago to do with the business, expected to be around 2 hours, ended up being 3. As soon as I came in the door, " where were you, that was 3 hours!!" Not a big deal to others but I just constantly feel like he is getting at me. Why couldn't he just ask was everything ok since I had been longer than expected.

Maybe i'm being selfish in wanting more, life just seems so dull and boring. We don't have any common interests or anything to talk about. There's no enjoyment when we are in each other's company, we just end up snapping at each other constantly.

I have raised the issue a few times but he brushes it off and doesn't give it much thought. He is so set in his ways and happy that way I guess he expects me to be the same. He doesn't want any more from life and I should be happy too.

DD is very clingy to me at bed times and sick etc. She wakes up a few times a night and it's only me who gets up so she has become used to it meaning she settles alot easier for me than him. He has tried a couple times but he gets frustrated and now just says sure what's the point she won't settle for me anyway so it's all on me.

The lack of affection is a big thing too, I just hate the thought of having any contact with him at all now. I have no sex drive and couldn't tell you the last time I initiated sex, yet I find other men attractive/daydream about what it would be like to be with someone else. I know that's not a good sign and not fair on him to be thinking like that.

Life just feels so strained and tense all the time, I think I will ring relate today and see if I can have a chat with someone about how I'm feeling and the best way to being it up with him.

If he told me tomorrow it was over I honestly don't think I would care, I just don't want to break DD's family up. Can I really stay like this for the sake of her though?

It sounds as though the marriage is over tbh

We are married over 30 years and have fun and chat togrther and do lots of stuff together. Today l have a snow day and my dh is retired so l am excited about us spending the day together.
Your dh is controlling. His way is not necessarily the right way. When you are out and he texts just reply l'm sure you can manage.
My dh is happy at home and l am always on the go but he doesn't care. Even when dc were young there was no issue. He is not interested in you being happy at all. Have a full frank discussion giving him examples. Maybe he is stuck in a rut and has no awareness. A steady dh is a good thing but he has no right to tell you what to do. What is his father like?
Begin by doing your own thing more with no apologies. The only thing l would change is drinking leading to a hangover as that is not great with a child and gives him the moral high ground which he will use against yoou later if ye separate..
So someything new and a full frank discussion so he will be clear he is responsible for at least half the breakdown and not turn it all on you.

So he's such a great dad that he never gets up in the night with his own DD

I feel so sorry for you reading your posts. You're so young still op and this is no way to live. As others have said, have you actually told him how you feel? It sounds to me like it is cards on the table time. Your DH sounds controlling, possessive and frankly not even that great a Dad! You only get one life op. Don't waste yours with this joyless, fun sucker.

Could you afford to split practically speaking? Have you seriously considered the steps you might take to do this?

Also never make the mistake of "staying together for the children" all that will do is model an unhealthy idea to
Your DD about what a relationship looks like. My parents are unhappily married and it had an influence on my view of relationships that it took me 36 years to overcome. Your DD truly deserves better.

Re your comments that I have separated:-

"If he told me tomorrow it was over I honestly don't think I would care, I just don't want to break DD's family up".

What sort of family unit is she seeing here?. Currently she sees you do all the work whilst her dad moans at you for being outside and otherwise does nothing other than please his own self. Its already broken by his actions and lack thereof. All this man cares about is his own self and getting his needs met. Good dads do not treat their spouses or partners like you are treated.

"Can I really stay like this for the sake of her though?"

No and if you were fool enough to do so you will simply drag your DD down with you into his pit. It will cost you dearly emotionally as well and you are probably already a shadow of your former self. Is he worth it, no he is not. You have a choice here re him as well, she does not.

What do you want to teach her about relationships and what is she learning here?. You want to model this as her norm as well, for her to be treated as you are?.

He sounds utterly ghastly, and you are far too young to settle for this misery.

I agree with others that you need to start doing what you want to (none of which is at all outrageous or out of the ordinary), and see how he reacts.

Also, I think counselling would really help you sort out your feelings of guilt around this situation and the idea of leaving the marriage. I get the impression you are so used to being controlled by him that you are not ready to consider leaving just yet.

You sound lovely, and fun, and driven, and I hope hugely you manage to get out and develop a much more full and satisfying life.

Oh op, please don't have sex with him out of obligation

Please never again do that

You seem to think he's OK really just a bit dull. I don't agree. I think he's more sinister than that.

You feel suffocated bcs he is controlling you. Read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft, do the Freedom Programme asap.

I'm so looking forward to you being free!

I also think the marriage is over in all but name.
But can you try just treating his 'where have you been, it's been three hours,' shit by just joking over the top of him and talking about what you've been doing, how great it's been? Don't let him drag you down to his mediocre level. Talk about your workmates, go out and socialise. If he doesn't ask about stuff, tell him anyway! He does it to you!

The sex without any affection is something a lot of us are going through, I'm afraid, no advice there...

I have been married for 44 years and must admit my marriage isn't like yours. I still feel tingly and madly in love, ( more than not) BUT there have been periods when I have felt otherwise and was worried about whether I was happy with this particular man or not.
We are very different, as my DH is a introvert and couldn't by any means be described as a Party Animal. He isn't controlling though, as he likes being alone and is incredibly unselfish. I have friends but he has no desire to have ones of his own.
All marriages go though bad patches and to chuck it all in without a fight, seems a bad idea. You also have a child to think of, and say that you don't want to break her life up. ( that is a positive )
You really need to sit down with him and explain what danger your marriage is in. If he thinks you are really serious about divorce, that will surely make him think ? Counselling is a good idea as he and possibly you, need help to change.
You may think you can't rekindle your sex life either, but even that is possible. Maybe your DH feels miserable about that aspect as well. You had feelings for this man once. You are both young enough to change.
There is a lot of work to do if you have the desire to salvage this. Best of luck . Let us know how you get on.

Omg I swear we are married to the same man. mine also times me, even down to what time I go to bed! He went mental at my a week ago for leaving a window open a tiny bit literally lost his shit over a window, went and slept in my daughter room so she went without her bed, when I got up to use the toilet his window was open !it's all down to control, he turns the heating on so high it's unbearable but I have to just put up with it. My councellor said it's because I pay the bill. It's like he is obsessed with every thing it do , it's so suffocating