Feeling suffocated in my marriage

[Miserableinmarriage]

Hi everyone, this is my first post but I am in desperate need of some advice

I am 30 and have been with DH since I was 18. Married almost 7 years and have DD who will be 4 in August.

I don't feel like I love my husband any more. He is a good man, but I feel so suffocated and bored by our marriage.

I'm not even sure where to begin but I know I have been feeling this way for quite some time and I find myself waking up thinking....today is the day I tell him I want a divorce but then the thought of breaking his heart kills me.

I have no doubt that DH is happy plodding along in our marriage even though we both know that it is terrible at the moment. He is a very simple man in terms of what he wants from life. He is set in routine and hates anything that changes it. Every day up for work, home, walk dog, dinner, shower, play with DD an hour then watch football or some other dribble on tv.

He provides for both me and DH and would give his last penny if DH needed something but at the same time there is no drive or fire in him. It even drives his father mad!

Our sex life is zero. I have no desire to have him kiss or touch me never mind sex. When he does try to initiate sex I almost feel like I'm doing it out of duty and could burst into tears during it at any point.

I love to cuddle and be close but he hates it which over the years I thought I could deal with but I crave to be held by someone not just looking to have a quickie. The only time he ever shows me affection is in bed when he wants a bit, this puts me off even more!

I love to socialise but DH hates it. Obviously I knew this from the beginning but he would have made some effort to go out with me then. Now he just point blank refuses. He doesn't drink very much so doesn't like to stay anywhere very long. He would happily arrive somewhere at 8pm and be home for 10pm with a cup of tea and go to bed. I on the other hand love socialising, I love dancing, having fun with the girls then leaving for a takeaway once we have been kicked out lol and I would love a partner who would like to go out with me! Im lucky if that happens once a year these days. DH will never outright say he doesn't want me to out but in the run up to any nights out I have planned he will start making comments about me drinking, having a hangover, not being there to put DD to bed and generally just having a dig until I finally give in and cancel. Then he ends up going to bed at 9pm anyway and I'm left sitting on my own all night when I could have been out having fun.

It has become a running joke in work that I have to ask permission before I'm allowed out. Sad thing is it's kind of true. My team would tend to go out maybe once every couple of months but as it normally a Friday DH disagrees with it because I will be going out straight from work and therefore won't see DD until the next morning.

I understand where he is coming from but I work part time 15 hours to allow me to be with DD most of the week so I don't feel that it is unreasonable to be away from her for a few hours after work! Am I wrong???

I also run a pretty successful business alongside my part time job that I work around DD being at nursery and when she goes to bed etc. It started off as something to do in the evenings because I was so bored and DH gave off if I went to the gym and left him to do bedtime duties. 5 minutes trying and he is done so bedtime is normally me. Same with night feeds when she was a baby!

I know I could further my business immensely, I have big dreams for it. But every time I chat to DH about it he tells me just to leave it as it is and I do enough. He doesn't help me with it at all, isn't supportive of it but knows we need it to bring my wage up to a full time wage. Last year I went away for 1 day on a training day/class that had been bought as a 30th present. Although DH didn't stop me, he did repeatedly make comments about me galavanting as if I should be grateful I was allowed to go!!

We have absolutely nothing in common, nothing to talk about. If he talks about work it's stories from all the 50-60 year old men he works with. If I talk about the ones I work with and funny things that have been said or done it's almost like he is looking down his nose at them!

I know this all makes him sound bad. He is a good man that would do anything for his daughter. There is just nothing between us anymore.

Should I suck it up and be thankful that he is reliable and a great dad or is there more to life at 30?? I know if I leave it will break his heart but I wonder how many more Friday and Saturday nights I can sit by myself at 9pm wondering how my life would be if I left! I have got to the point where I am grumpy and snappy all the time now because I am so frustrated but he doesn't see any problem 😟

Sorry for rambling on this is the first time I've actually put in to words some of the things I'm feeling.

Thanks for any advice!

@Miserableinmarriage it doesn't strike me about you wanting a social life, it just seems like you have nothing in common... the fact that you have no company from him at home AND he is controlling about you going out it's just miserable isn't it.

@RandomMess you are 100% correct, it is 😞

I can't imagine it I'm mid 40s been together 18 years we still laugh together, still watch box sets together, usually go to bed together (even if I do tell him to go away when he's snoring), I even play board games with DH because he likes them!

I agree with Random, that it’s not coming across like that at all - that you’re just mourning the lack of a social life, I mean.

Your thread title is so apt. You feel suffocated. It sounds suffocating.

Your marriage is not making you happy. It’s not just that your DH doesn’t want to go out and you do, therefore you’re simply incompatible- he doesn’t want you to go either. You have simply to follow his lead and sit at home with him. Then you won’t get the snarky remarks, guilt trips, checking up etc.

A man who was docile but really cared about you, would tell you to go out and have a blast while he dozed off with his cuppa, or might stretch to coming with you some of the time. He’d encourage you in your business, listen to your opinions with respect, show you real affection, and share in the care of your children.

You married young, and it’s clear you feel a powerful sense of duty to make a go of it. Also you are trying so hard to appreciate your lot. So the thought of starting again must feel overwhelming.

Is there anyone in real life you can talk this through with?

OP, sorry to hijack your post but reading this thread has been like reading the pages of the book of my own life. I’m too stuck in a loveless marriage with the husband who IS 20 years older than me and who stopped showing any affection towards me years and years ago. So many things that you mentioned are the case here too: no common interests, no desire to try anything new in life, not interest in doing anything with kids, happy to be plodding along day after day after day. Even the fact that you started your own business is similar. I also started my own venture two and a bit years ago and have literally put my blood, sweat and tears into it but OH has never been interested at all, in fact he has openly said that my business has nothing to do with him and when challenges arise and I look to him for moral support he brushes me off and says that it was my choice and I should learn to stand on my own two feet...
I can’t remember the last time we had sex, I avoid it as the thought of making love with someone who shows no affection at all makes me feel empty, unwanted and somehow dirty.
I will be 40 this year and feel that my life is somehow passing me by and yet I can’t seem to be able to pull myself together and break away. I’m scared to death of making such a huge step, he is the main bread winner, I have no family in this country and very few friends and have no idea how I would survive on my own. I can’t afford to stay in our current home on my own and if I move somewhere smaller I’d have to give up on my business as I need space for it. I have been on antidepressants on and off for years and I do feel trapped and suffocated. Just writing this is making me cry.

@headdeepinsand oh I honestly could have written that word for word and hearing how unhappy you are a further 10 years down the line makes me realise that if I don't break free now that will be me. I will be in exactly the same position only hating myself more because I never took my chance to do something about it.

I am also like you in that I wouldn't be able to afford to run our house so would have to look for somewhere smaller and am the same that he is the main earner but I have looked into everything and it's not impossible. The first year or two would be a struggle but I should be able to get on my own two feet and start to live life how I want.

I hope you find a way to get out too once you have made the decision to walk away. Have you spoken to him about how you are feeling?

I’ve actually come to the conclusion that talking just doesn’t work (at least in our case). As they say you can’t teach an old dog new tricks. He used to listen and try to change, it lasted a few weeks and then things went back to same old same. Over the years he has lost all desire to even try and change anything. Now if I try to talk, more often than not it ends up in an argument and if it doesn’t he just brushes me off and everything stays exactly the same. I feel like we’ve been going round in circles and always come back to this unhappy state. He knows things aren’t right between us but he isn’t willing to do anything about it, he is just happy in his own little bubble. When faced with the direct question: “How do you see your and our future?” His answer is generally “Don’t know”

EXACTLY the same here! He knows things aren't right between us but he won't raise the subject or talk about it. Instead like you say prefers to stay in his own little bubble refusing to even attempt to address the many issues!

Miserable.... spread your wings, and FLY. Then change your username

Miserable,

May I ask how you came to conclusion that it wouldn’t be impossible to survive alone? Did you go to CAB for a consultation, or is there a calculator somewhere that you used? I feel that I need to persuade myself more than anything else that it’ll be ok

Have you been clear with your husband to the point that you have
Said I wasn't to go out (say once a
Month) to not be told off if ima
An hour late and that he Needs
To
Keep trying with your daughter as
If dosent keep trying he
Will
Never be able to settle her. But
Mostly you need
To make it clear you
Will leave you need
To make it clear your not happy and then work out if it's
Him or you're life with him but you need to
Make it very clear
This is
Make or break !

I left my exH primarily for this reason. My family couldn’t fathom what I was thinking and why I’d want to become a single mum of three instead of staying with such a ‘lovely’ man. But he was the same as your H... boring, stale and had zero ambition. He was satisfied with his shit job, had no desire to change it and he just basically had no drive in life AT ALL. It drove me berserk.

I’m three years post separation now and have met someone else who has the same level of ambition and drive as me. We like to travel, explore and strive to better ourselves. I don’t regret leaving my exh one iota...

Oh and as for your DD, it really is better to grow up with happy separated parents than miserable ones that stay together. You are also setting an example for her and you don’t want her to grow up thinking she has to remain in an unhappy relationship just to keep up appearances.

Headdeep I went onto the governments website and put in my earning from my job and my self employed business to see what I would be entitled to financially for the time being. At least until DD is into primary school and I can up my working hours .

Also worked out how much child maintenance DH would be due to provide for DD.

Sat down with a list of everything from rent to food & petrol etc. Things would be tight but doable xx

Sparly I have tried but a guess the saying is true a leopard never changes it spots and i don't believe he would be happy trying to be something or someone he isn't. truthfully I'm not sure I want to work things out. In my heart I have left I just don't have the courage to follow it through

Pinkvoid thank you so much for your reply! It really has made me feel alot better.

The only person I have mentioned this too is my sister and her words were. "It will be shit for awhile but I'm excited for your future"

DH gets on well with my family but doesn't make the effort to see any of them. I go to my mum and dad's every Sunday so they can see DD and see them through the week etc. DH would rather watch football at home than come say hello. He went to their house for an hour on Xmas day and that was the first all year. My parents have now given up asking where he is or what he is doing as they know he will be at home on the sofa watching football!

Your sister sounds great. Right to the point :)

Your DH really is lethargic. I can’t believe he hasn’t made it to your parents’ house all year, except for 1 hour. At least your parents aren’t under any illusions about him, in that regard anyway.

Miserableinmarriage- I am curious to know what first attracted you to him? You say he's always been like this. Why did you think you could marry him and accept who he is previously but now be bored? Has he changed lots or have you found you have changed? In that you were satisfied with him before but now you aren't?

Either he changes or you need to leave. I think that pretty much sums it up.

Have you sat him down and told him how you feel, just as you have described it here? Because uou give in and dont then to out maybe he thinks everything is ok.

Miserable,

I did my calculations last night and like you think it’s not impossible. It’ll be seriously tough though. I’d have to move, find a job, give up on my business (feels like killing my own baby after all the hard work I’ve put into it!) But think first I need to go CAB to get it all confirmed for sure and take it from there.
How are you doing today?
We are snowed in, spent yet another evening last night confined to the only room in the house which is warm without saying a word to one another the whole night.

I had a similar life and it took me years to leave, I wish I had left sooner as I now couldn’t be happier. I met the love of my life, we are so happy together. Please don’t stay for the sake of your DD as I did, I felt so suffocated year after year I ended up really unwell. I did tell my ex how I felt and gave him so many chances to change but I realised you can’t change someone who is set in their ways and emotionally unavailable.

Asked DH to watch a film with me last night. He complained that he was tired from work all week and went up to bed at 9pm as soon as I had got DD down. Gave off at me expecting him to stay up later. Another night sitting on my own lol😴

does her seriously sleep 10 hours per night or is he just on his phone in bed or something?

Doesn't lie in so up anytime between 5 & 7 lol

I get he is up early during the week but a few hours after DD goes to bed on the weekend would be nice lol but instead I end up every fri and Sat sitting on my own lol. Not on his phone, he never really would be on his phone. Not that interested in SM etc