Feeling suffocated in my marriage

[Miserableinmarriage]

Hi everyone, this is my first post but I am in desperate need of some advice

I am 30 and have been with DH since I was 18. Married almost 7 years and have DD who will be 4 in August.

I don't feel like I love my husband any more. He is a good man, but I feel so suffocated and bored by our marriage.

I'm not even sure where to begin but I know I have been feeling this way for quite some time and I find myself waking up thinking....today is the day I tell him I want a divorce but then the thought of breaking his heart kills me.

I have no doubt that DH is happy plodding along in our marriage even though we both know that it is terrible at the moment. He is a very simple man in terms of what he wants from life. He is set in routine and hates anything that changes it. Every day up for work, home, walk dog, dinner, shower, play with DD an hour then watch football or some other dribble on tv.

He provides for both me and DH and would give his last penny if DH needed something but at the same time there is no drive or fire in him. It even drives his father mad!

Our sex life is zero. I have no desire to have him kiss or touch me never mind sex. When he does try to initiate sex I almost feel like I'm doing it out of duty and could burst into tears during it at any point.

I love to cuddle and be close but he hates it which over the years I thought I could deal with but I crave to be held by someone not just looking to have a quickie. The only time he ever shows me affection is in bed when he wants a bit, this puts me off even more!

I love to socialise but DH hates it. Obviously I knew this from the beginning but he would have made some effort to go out with me then. Now he just point blank refuses. He doesn't drink very much so doesn't like to stay anywhere very long. He would happily arrive somewhere at 8pm and be home for 10pm with a cup of tea and go to bed. I on the other hand love socialising, I love dancing, having fun with the girls then leaving for a takeaway once we have been kicked out lol and I would love a partner who would like to go out with me! Im lucky if that happens once a year these days. DH will never outright say he doesn't want me to out but in the run up to any nights out I have planned he will start making comments about me drinking, having a hangover, not being there to put DD to bed and generally just having a dig until I finally give in and cancel. Then he ends up going to bed at 9pm anyway and I'm left sitting on my own all night when I could have been out having fun.

It has become a running joke in work that I have to ask permission before I'm allowed out. Sad thing is it's kind of true. My team would tend to go out maybe once every couple of months but as it normally a Friday DH disagrees with it because I will be going out straight from work and therefore won't see DD until the next morning.

I understand where he is coming from but I work part time 15 hours to allow me to be with DD most of the week so I don't feel that it is unreasonable to be away from her for a few hours after work! Am I wrong???

I also run a pretty successful business alongside my part time job that I work around DD being at nursery and when she goes to bed etc. It started off as something to do in the evenings because I was so bored and DH gave off if I went to the gym and left him to do bedtime duties. 5 minutes trying and he is done so bedtime is normally me. Same with night feeds when she was a baby!

I know I could further my business immensely, I have big dreams for it. But every time I chat to DH about it he tells me just to leave it as it is and I do enough. He doesn't help me with it at all, isn't supportive of it but knows we need it to bring my wage up to a full time wage. Last year I went away for 1 day on a training day/class that had been bought as a 30th present. Although DH didn't stop me, he did repeatedly make comments about me galavanting as if I should be grateful I was allowed to go!!

We have absolutely nothing in common, nothing to talk about. If he talks about work it's stories from all the 50-60 year old men he works with. If I talk about the ones I work with and funny things that have been said or done it's almost like he is looking down his nose at them!

I know this all makes him sound bad. He is a good man that would do anything for his daughter. There is just nothing between us anymore.

Should I suck it up and be thankful that he is reliable and a great dad or is there more to life at 30?? I know if I leave it will break his heart but I wonder how many more Friday and Saturday nights I can sit by myself at 9pm wondering how my life would be if I left! I have got to the point where I am grumpy and snappy all the time now because I am so frustrated but he doesn't see any problem 😟

Sorry for rambling on this is the first time I've actually put in to words some of the things I'm feeling.

Thanks for any advice!

@Rose84 why are you still with him?

Oh @Rosie84 I really feel for you. That must be horrible to deal with.

Thankfully DH doesn't have a temper or angry side so wouldn't flip like that. He doesn't show much emotion good or bad to be honest lol.

Would leaving be a possibility for you?

Because we have 3 DC and I feel like I have failed at marriage if we split. the thing is I don't want to go home everyday , so I either drop by to a friend, or my mum etc, so he gets mad about that too, times me, so now I find myself making stuff up just to get out the house but then I feel bad for the DC as I feel I'm abadoning them ifswim .

Takes a lot for him to loose it, I think because now I am not backing down he is getting angry.

@Miserableinmarriage listen to what Rose is going through, this could well be your future... at the moment you tow the line!

I would leave , you are 30 and have your whole life ahead of you!
Me and dh have been married nearly 18 years and together for 22 ish . We laugh and have fun together . Of course there are peaks and troughs but it's life .. this is not normal . You should not have to ask permission from another adult to go out !!

I can't win either way whether I ask or not I'm always being stonewalled, I'm 33 , I asked him if he would like to come for a walk with me on Sunday afternoon gorgeous day, but got a no as usual , I went on my own, watched all the couple's and families together, then there's me ....

Fist time I've posted on here, but this thread really struck a chord! Married for nearly 30 yrs, 2 adult children. I left my husband a year ago, been unhappy for years, which got worse as children got older as no distractions! Ended up no conversation, sat in separate rooms at night (despite me saying this wasn't good), no sex life - why would I want sex with someone I barely spoke to! I want to do things with my life, he doesn't want to do anything much. I was always the organiser, holidays, kids, meeting up with friends etc I left once earlier, went back as couldn't cope with my emotions - he said I could go back if I agreed to have sex once a week at least starting immediately FFS! And I went back - for a while! Needless to say it seemed doomed - never got over his ultimatum!! Now, I'm on my own, ok most of the time, but bizarrely still miss him, and there's no one else involved! He texts me most days to see how I am and I still go round for tea, although feels weird! Still very confused and wonder if I've done the right thing - would appreciate your thoughts 😊

But you marriage has failed in that it cannot be a marriage by unilateral effort alone. You have been doing the effort he has done none. You haven't failed. You gave it your best shot.
However a failed marriage and a broken home is one where everyone is unhappy - you can fix the home by ending the marriage. He'll probably be surprised but he will be missing his walking domestic implement not the feeling, thinking human being you are.
Please don't set the example to your children that marriage is about finding someone who just about tolerates your existence.

You are not selfish OP. Any human being would need more from a relationship than you have there. He doesn’t even care whether you’re happy or not. Let alone wanting to make you happy.

You would get better companionship from a flat mate. Or from a dog!

But the biggest problem for you is that he is controlling you. That checking up on you, or complaining if you’re later than expected? That’s control. It’s deeply unhealthy. It’s not because he’s worried, or because cares too much about you, it’s because he expects you to be there when he wants you.

Keep looking at those rentals, because I think you know you have to get out. You have tried your best to make this marriage work. But your husband cares only about his own happiness, and is content for you to sacrifice your own.

You get one life OP. Your daughter is young and will be happier if her mum is happy. Life is short. The last 12 years haven't been a waste, I'm sure a lot of it was really good and you have DD out of it... it's not a waste, just the ending of a chapter.

Hi OP,

Sounds awful. You have your whole life in front of you.

Don't give your DC the idea growing up that life is just a drag...

Having a chuckle at the 50-60 yr old men at your husbands work.

I'm (a woman) turning 63 next month and life couldn't be better. Divorced (in a relationship), DS in his 20s and independent, I am free and travelling solo right now.

Yes. You can do it too. Don't let ANYONE take away your power and independence!

You go girl!!

Thank you for all you replies!

I honestly love spending time away from him with DD or spending time in the house by myself or with DD knowing he isn't about

I feel like I am craving independence and some life experience. I don't necessarily want another relationship any time soon but I would love to feel like I can be myself with someone without feeling belittled or ridiculed in the future.

I'm scared though that the grass isn't greener as they say. That by leaving a stable home environment I am making a huge mistake but I have been feeling like this for a couple of years now. I try to bury it as best I can but inevitably the doubt that things just are'nt right keeps coming back.

@sunshine64 I wish I could give you some advice but unfortunately my life is exactly as you have described. I am currently sitting in the living room with the dog. DH went off to bed as soon as I got DD over to sleep....another night on my own yay!

You may want to think about what contact he would want with DD if you left and what he would want. Would you stay in a flat near him for easy access? Do you imagine 50/50? Is he likely to be amicable if you split? Would he go to counselling if you asked? Would you consider going to counselling alone to help with this big decision?

"Are there couples out there 10-15 years into their relationships that still have fun together, chat freely and enjoy being in each other's company"

Yes, we laugh and joke together all the time, go out socialising together and alone with our own friends. It's an active and happy life. We're late 30s and I do like nights where I have a cuppa and an early night, but the thought of that every night is so boring.

You're only 30 - imagine being with this man for the next 50 years! If you don't see that happening, cut your losses now while you're still young and up for fun.

I felt like I was being suffocated myself when you described your life, OP.

I think there are quite a few women who would love a man like that. I've worked with women who lead very narrow lives and just like to be indoors with everything that's safe and comfortable around them.

I was watching The Violent Child on Channel 5 tonight and the psychologist worked out that the child was actually suffering from nervousness and fear - that's the impression I'm getting when you talk about your husband. He's scared of change, of you not being there, of things being different. He'd like the same routine every day, wouldn't he? And the fact you clearly don't want that seems to scare him and so he tries to guilt trip you into sticking to that routine with him.

You are so young. Don't let him take away your dreams and your aspirations and your hope for the future. Don't let him imprison you. And don't let him make you live a life together that makes your child thinks that's what life has to be about.

I reckon if you divorced him he'd be remarried very quickly and if he goes for someone like him, I reckon it would last. Don't feel guilty if you want a different life - he can find his match with someone else and be happier, too.

Thank you @mybrilliantdisguise that post has really hit home with me. You are right we want completely different things from life. He is happy to plod on with a mundane life, no sex life, nothing in common with each other, no desire to spend time together and never enjoying it when we do whereas I am Not, I couldn't be any further from happy if I tried xx

That's it @chickychickyparmparm I would love to have someone in my life that I could spend nights in with, chatting away, having a laugh and a joke, a bit of banter watching a film etc. But we have never been like that, DH is very straight laced and acts alot older than he is so there is no goofing around or having a laugh together 😞

So you need to do something about it. Honestly, you'll both benefit. You'll be surprised at how quickly he meets someone else - I'm saying this to help you, not hurt you. Some people don't want much from a marriage or even much from a life. He will find someone to suit him quite quickly. And you will be free to make the most of your life - honestly, you won't regret it.

Interesting,and im sure quite a few people identify with this situation.

As im sure you are aware, one has to be careful not to throw the baby out with the bathwater !

It isnt a case of the grass being greener anywhere else. Its more a question of whether you are happy with your current patch of grass.

You dont leave someone in the hope of doing better. You leave because what you have now is no longer working at all and cannot be saved or is not worth saving.

Remember you were,presumably, madly in love with this man. You have a child together.

You say you have no social life and feel bored. This is common. But is he REALLY controlling you or is it your perception that he is controlling when in fact if you had a social life and just went out when it suited, would he really gripe about it or wish you a good evening?

Any female partners i have been in a relationship, the word LET has never entered into it. I never "LET" any partner do anything. They do as they please and i wish them well. Why wouldnt I? If you care for someone you would surely want them to have fun and be happy?

Have you spoken to OH? What about him? is he happy?

Many people get bored. I get bored. Socialising often involves alcohol and as i dont really drink ,it can be an issue.

But if you have thoroughly explored it and more importantly taken ownership of your own thoughts and feelings, then move on.

It's sounds like your in a horrible situation OP
I think you should run while you can sounds like you and your little one will be far happier without him.
If he's controlling you now what's he going to be like with your daughter when she's a little older and has her own mind?

I agree , I'm getting out, I've decided

I fear it is coming across that all this is just because I want a social life. And while it would be nice it's not the main reason.

I guess I have come to realise that I am no longer in love with my husband. I just can't seem to find it in my heart to tell him.

I am obviously petrified of everything that will follow once I do but I don't know if I can bury my feelings and just plod on for the next 40 or 50 years. Having never been single in my adult life or had another serious relationship the thought of being on my own both scares the shit out of me and excites me! Feeling very lost and confused right now. I know many people would love to have the life I lead right now so I feel bad for not wanting it.

I could've written all of this! You are not selfish at all. You've every right to be happy and life is too short to not be. Don't worry what's on the other side....taking the leap of faith knowing what you are doing is right it the first big step. You know it in your heart..and children will be fine. Don't you want them to see what a loving relationship is meant to be like? You're doing it for them as much as yourself, what are they learning about mutual love, care and respect.. As long as it's amicable and they still see both of you, they'll be ok. x