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Original poster

Is this an acceptable reason for cheating?

151 replies

Ilovefruitpastilles · 26/02/2018 10:36

I know there’s no acceptable reason for cheating really but sometimes can circumstances make someone vulnerable when in different circumstances they wouldn’t have dreamt of doing it?

My DH has cheated and it seems to have been down to a few things but he says the main reason was sexual rejection. Our sex life has got progressively worse over the past year and it had got to the point where I never wanted it and certainly never initiated anything. We were going through a very difficult period in our marriage and our relationship had deteriorated so much that I didn’t feel loving towards him at all and if he initiated it and we did sleep together it was pretty obvious that it was just a chore to me and I wasn’t really enjoying it.

He said enduring this for a year (and we did have differences before this as his sex drive is higher) had made him feel really depressed and he thought I didn’t fancy him or love him and was rejecting him. It made him feel absolutely terrible about himself so that when he then met someone who paid him a lot of attention (plus other stressful things in his life were going on to do with family) he started a friendship which then led to an affair.

I believed prior to this that if someone cheated you should leave as the trust that your relationship was built on was gone but now I’m in this situation I don’t know what to do.

There are several threads on here about relationships with no sex and everyone says how awful it makes them feel about themselves and how rejected and unfanciable they feel, and I believe he did feel that way. Obviously we both should have talked to each other about the way we were feeling as I felt that he wasn’t treating me well at the time which is why I was finding it difficult to be loving towards him, but we didn’t talk and now we are in this situation.

We’ve talked a lot now and do still love each other and want the marriage to work but I’m finding it difficult to get over the betrayal even though I sort of understand what led him down that path.

Sorry for the essay but it would be good to hear what others think.

OP posts:
FitBitFanClub · 26/02/2018 10:39

Did he put a caveat in your marriage vows about being faithful to you "unless your sex life takes a bit of a temporary dive in which case I'll forsake you and shag someone else if they're nice to me" then?

Smeaton · 26/02/2018 10:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 26/02/2018 10:43

There is no acceptable reason for cheating. A declining sex life might help explain why someone cheated but it doesn't justify it. What efforts did he make to fix things, or were you meant to do that on your own? And if things started going downhill a year ago he didn't give it much time before deciding to shag someone else, did he?

user1483387154 · 26/02/2018 10:45

No there is not an acceptable reason for cheating

TheNaze73 · 26/02/2018 10:54

There are no acceptable reasons for cheating.

As most affairs appear to be sexually driven, a man or woman contnually being rejected at home are offered it on a plate are going to be far more succeptable to an advance than somebody in a healthy mutual sexual relationship. I think that’s basic human nature. It’s never acceptable though. If they can’t accept the issues at home, they walk. They should never take the easy option.

Although you can see why, it doesn’t make it acceptable under any circumstance

Emmageddon · 26/02/2018 10:58

I agree, there are no acceptable reasons for cheating. However, you do seem to want to save your marriage, so see if you can get some couples counselling, where you can talk it through with someone impartial. But don't let him shift the blame for his affair onto your lack of libido.

Original poster
ilovefruitpastilles · 26/02/2018 11:16

I agree with everyone that there is no acceptable reason. I would never have done the same to him no matter what the circumstances.

He hasn’t blamed me and has taken responsibility for his actions, but we have talked about his mindset at the time. He is in counselling and fully accepts that his behaviour was awful and is really ashamed of what he did. He wants to save the marriage and says he would do anything to do so and that he loves me.

I would have probably been in the LTB camp before this happened to me but it’s so hard. My knee jerk reaction was to leave but I still love him and we have two young children, so I want to try and make things work. It’s so difficult to get over such a betrayal though and part of me does think ‘why should I?’

OP posts:
Manylights · 26/02/2018 11:16

Bullshit excuses.

No, he did not have to stay in a sexless marriage; but if he felt the marriage was intolerable, he should have been honest & discussed it with you. Instead of giving you the chance to seek a solution, or even just separate to think things over, he has chosen to commit adultery.

Your DH should have ended the marriage honestly.
He lied, he cheated, he tried to blame his adultery on you.
There is no excuse for this - or for his cowardice.

SandyY2K · 26/02/2018 11:18

I'm not saying it's an acceptable reason, but I understand the circumstances that led to it.

It's really not as as was eloquently put "his cock means more than you"

It's up to you to decide if you stay together. As human beings we all want to be desired by our spouse/partner. The very overt rejection can be soul destroying for men and women.

The right thing would have been for you both to communicate how you were feeling..and I totally understand your point about you not wanting sex because of how he was towards you.

Are you having marriage counselling?

PinkHeart5914 · 26/02/2018 11:20

There is never any excuse to cheat. A cheater will give you Plenty of excuses to try and excuse a low action but nothing makes it ok.

Thing is a cheater makes a choice to cheat on someone that did once at least mean a lot to them, now that is low and I personally don’t see how you trust someone again after that

Original poster
ilovefruitpastilles · 26/02/2018 11:23

Sandy no we are both having individual counselling at the moment and planning to do marriage counselling after that as we’ve been advised not to get two lots of counselling at once.

OP posts:
Spam88 · 26/02/2018 11:23

If he wanted to have sex with someone else he should have ended it with you first.

GracieJohnson · 26/02/2018 13:43

I agree with the others that there are no acceptable reasons for cheating. However, it's up to you of course, if you still see the chance for you to be happy together and to trust him after what he did to you.

Even though I don't think that there are acceptable reasons for cheating I still think that there are different kinds of cheating and it is not always impossible to be happy together again and not everyone who cheated once will necessarily do it again.

So if you believe in your relationship and your love then try to work it out. But make sure that you don't make it too easy for him!

Adora10 · 26/02/2018 13:54

He has betrayed you as a husband but also as your best friend; it has nothing to do with you rejecting him; he has used that as excuse to go out and have a bit of cake; he'll do it again because he is clearly unremorseful and is blaming you for his disgusting behaviour.

BackInTheRoom · 26/02/2018 14:35

We were going through a very difficult period in our marriage and our relationship had deteriorated so much that I didn’t feel loving towards him...

But OP, you didn't go off and cheat did you? Why? Why are you different than him?

Original poster
ilovefruitpastilles · 26/02/2018 14:46

I wouldn’t have cheated because I have strong views on infidelity and believe there is never a reason to cheat. Also because I made marriage vowels and we have a family. I was unhappy but figured we would sort it out and had tried to talk to him about things. I agree that he could have talked to me, suggested marriage counselling or even some time apart but he didn’t.

I admit I am going against my own beliefs in trying to rebuild things, but it’s really hard to walk away. We used to have a fantastic relationship and have two small children who up to this point have had a lovely life. I suppose I’m trying to convince myself that people can make stupid decisions they later regret and that doesn’t necessarily mean they would do the same thing again.

OP posts:
mindutopia · 26/02/2018 15:07

Nope, my dh and I haven’t had sex in a year (due to pregnancy complications and new baby). With our first, we didn’t have sex for about 18 months. But he/we were completely faithful to each other. A relationship is about much more than sex and any relationship that falls apart because you have a drought and a rough patch isn’t a strong relationship.

Changedname3456 · 26/02/2018 17:07

“But OP, you didn't go off and cheat did you? Why? Why are you different than him?”

Erm, not being deliberately flippant (and I’m not excusing him for one second), but one big difference is that she had/has little sex drive, so it’s a bit less likely that her head would be turned!

Did he end the affair off his own back, OP, or did you find out and confront him?

Original poster
ilovefruitpastilles · 26/02/2018 17:13

I found out and confronted him. This was a few months ago. It would probably still be going on if I hadn’t.

OP posts:
slothface · 26/02/2018 17:13

Agree with pps that he should have raised the issue and honestly told you how unacceptable the situation was for him. It sounds like he did a bit by saying he felt unloved etc, but did you fully discuss the issues you had with him?

I can understand why the circumstances would have led to him cheating, I am of the belief that people in happy and fulfilling relationships are less likely to even consider it, and it sounds like this relationship wasn't happy or fulfilling for either of you. Doesn't make it instantly excuseable though

MarieG10 · 26/02/2018 17:20

Cheating is unacceptable and in my opinion can ruin a relationship. I admire those who get over it but wonder if anyone really gets over it. However, as I have said in other threads, I don't think any relationship can survive long term without a sexual relationship and I'm afraid the inevitable happens, but that should be splitting up and divorcing before introducing infidelity which just causes no end of upset and hides what was the real problem. If one person is responsible for a lack of sex, they should decide if they want a marriage and if so do their best to get the relationship right, which includes and active and loving sex life!

ThatsWotSheSaid · 26/02/2018 17:20

What did he try OP? Did he try to put the romance back in the marriage? Did he try to help more with the things that get in the way of you feeling relaxed? Did he work on the issues in the marriage? Did he attempt to talk in a non judgmental way to look at the issues together as a couple? These are all acceptable things to do in the scenario you describe. Shagging someone else not so much.

Adora10 · 26/02/2018 17:22

Nothing to do with lack of sex, some people think it's ok to cheat as long as they can't get away with it, I doubt his balls were falling off due to lack of sex that he couldn't control himself, this was an affair, that only got found out by you finding out; fact is, you now know he can't be trusted, you may be able to stay with him but you will always wonder what happens the next time his life is not all rosy......it's all up to him to prove to you that he is worth a second chance OP, nothing about making excuses like some on here are trying to do.

Brokenlife · 26/02/2018 17:29

No reason for cheating. He should have talked to you, try and fix it with your participation of course and ultimately divorce if he couldn’t take it anymore.

It is often said that it isn’t the sex that kills a marriage but the lying and betrayal. He could have spoken to you and even propose an open marriage if it would have suited you both or as I said divorce if you were not willing to fix it.

Saying that it doesn’t mean you have to end your marriage. You can work on this and see if it is a deal breaker to you while he works on himself to find out why did he believe that lying and betraying the person he vowed to protect and care for was ok. Most people call it a day with an honest behaviour rather than have their cake and eat it.

It is still early, you will know one day if you want to stay or go based on his work on himself and if he succeeds to make you feel safe again.

Worldsworstcook · 26/02/2018 17:31

People are always very quick to say he cheated and you should LTB.

You love him, does he love you? Do you love him enough to accept what he did, work through it and continue? Has the sex issue resolved itself because if not it may happen again.

Infidelity is so very common, most people just don't get caught. I'm not saying it's right because of course it isn't. But many marriages go on for years after a partner has cheated. All I mean is don't throw the towel in yet, he wasn't right by any stretch but if he had said sex was awful what would you have done? It wouldn't have made you more interested, just pressured.

You aren't shouting and cursing him here on MN so it seems that's there's still hope for your marriage. I hope it all works out for you both through counselling,

You're not alone btw in being a reluctant sexual partner. It's much more common than you think, particularly if you're tired with small kids, with one ear on the kids and your mind on the dishes!