Is this an acceptable reason for cheating?

[Ilovefruitpastilles]

I know there’s no acceptable reason for cheating really but sometimes can circumstances make someone vulnerable when in different circumstances they wouldn’t have dreamt of doing it?

My DH has cheated and it seems to have been down to a few things but he says the main reason was sexual rejection. Our sex life has got progressively worse over the past year and it had got to the point where I never wanted it and certainly never initiated anything. We were going through a very difficult period in our marriage and our relationship had deteriorated so much that I didn’t feel loving towards him at all and if he initiated it and we did sleep together it was pretty obvious that it was just a chore to me and I wasn’t really enjoying it.

He said enduring this for a year (and we did have differences before this as his sex drive is higher) had made him feel really depressed and he thought I didn’t fancy him or love him and was rejecting him. It made him feel absolutely terrible about himself so that when he then met someone who paid him a lot of attention (plus other stressful things in his life were going on to do with family) he started a friendship which then led to an affair.

I believed prior to this that if someone cheated you should leave as the trust that your relationship was built on was gone but now I’m in this situation I don’t know what to do.

There are several threads on here about relationships with no sex and everyone says how awful it makes them feel about themselves and how rejected and unfanciable they feel, and I believe he did feel that way. Obviously we both should have talked to each other about the way we were feeling as I felt that he wasn’t treating me well at the time which is why I was finding it difficult to be loving towards him, but we didn’t talk and now we are in this situation.

We’ve talked a lot now and do still love each other and want the marriage to work but I’m finding it difficult to get over the betrayal even though I sort of understand what led him down that path.

Sorry for the essay but it would be good to hear what others think.

But if your sex life with your partner is abysmal and nothing changes after much discussion, you can't be surprised if they do have an affair

Women don't have to put up with being fucked on by selfish men who treat them like a domestic appliance. If a man isn't happy with his sex life he needs to ask himself whats causing that.

Op I'm glad you are planning on seeing your friends.

My wife just stopped allowing sex & affection, even kissing and cuddling 6 years ago, will not discuss it, end of story.

That little detail is always glossed over on these threads, at least when it's a man who cheated. It's the same story 1000 times, sex dies off, man tries to discuss it a few times, gets head bitten off. Left with the choice of being destroyed in a divorce and becoming a part time dad or having an affair he chooses the latter.

berryjuicer
But that sounds like a cop out. Is there not another option find the right time and way to discuss it. Men aopear to approach these things in a confrontational way framed around their needs and what they are missing rather than in a concerned way for what has happened in their relationship.

OP, as well as taking responsibility for the actual affair, has he taken responsibility for his behaviour in the lead up to it? Has he recognised that his selfishness, and leaving you alone with the kids so much, was a big factor in your deteriorating relationship, and hence part of the reason that you didn’t want to have sex with him? If you stay together, is he prepared to make real, permanent changes in this respect?

Similarly you must take some responsibility for not talking this through with him when you realised it was affecting your relationship so much.

Keep talking to each other, OP.

oldfart56
Do you know why she wont discuss it?
Is she happy over all or are their other problems in your relationship?

My DH and I haven't been able to have sex for over 4 years because I've been dealing with memories of childhood SA and PTSD, I just can't bring myself to let him in. We had a traumatic attempt to start again, when I had vivid flashbacks of being raped and couldn't even open my legs. (My DM thought she was helping me by telling me I needed to 'close my eyes and think of England'. I'm never talking to her about this again.)

Despite all this my DH hasn't thought of cheating on me. But then we do show affection to each other and regularly kiss so that's helped to keep us close, that's improved a lot recently. And with 2 adopted DDs with different needs, one of whom comes into our bedroom regularly during the night, it's unlikely much sex would be happening even without my issues affecting things.

In your case, it sounds to me that your DH was selfish in pursuing his hobbies and leaving you alone with the children, so it's hardly surprising that you didn't feel loving towards him. He should have worked at improving things in your marriage rather than just cheating on you.

Nah there’s never any acceptable reason to cheat.

I can completely understand how he feels, granted. I was once in a relationship with a man who had a much lower sex drive than me and when I initiated sex only to be rejected it made me feel absolutely terrible and unattractive. It wasn’t the only reason why but I just left him. I didn’t cheat and I never have on anyone, I simply just left.

That’s what your DH could have done. He also could have spoken to you at length about how it makes him feel, see if there’s anything that could be done to better your sex drive, attempt counselling etc. But he didn’t, he chose to be unfaithful.

Berryjuicer in my case he DIDN’T try and discuss it with me. He made it clear he wasn’t getting enough sex but didn’t explain how it was making him feel bad and the feelings of rejection.

Arapaima I do accept that I should have been more direct and honest with how I was feeling instead of internalising everything. However I did talk to him about it once. I initiated a talk about how we didn’t spend any quality time together and if we did it was always me that arranged it and that I felt neglected and it was affecting me. We agreed to both make an effort - him in making plans for us to have quality time and me in the bedroom. I kept to my end of the deal (for a few weeks) but he did nothing. This was after her had already kissed the OW but before they’d slept together. Instead of taking me out he took her out instead.

was to go with being left alone with two small children a lot while he pursued hobbies. The balance of our relationship/ family life has been unfair with me doing too much of the work

So he treated you badly and behaved extremely selfishly, which led you to go off him. And when that even included sex, he used that an excuse to justify an affair.

Rather than address his behaviour, work on the marriage and attract you back to him, he fucked someone else.

No that’s not acceptable, it’s not forgivable.

The marriage sounds dead to me, you didn’t want to fuck him and he cheated. What’s to save.

That really isn't helpful, @PsychedelicSheep it's a lot more complicated than that. It was the DH's selfish behaviour that turned the OP off him. He should have talked to her rather than having an affair. They're talking now, so your comment is totally unnecessary and crude into the bargain.

What’s to save is a 10 year relationship between two people who despite everything do still love each other, a life together and family with two small children. Things were great between us before we had children but I think it has uncovered a selfish streak I didn’t even notice before. It is going to be very hard to forgive. I know I don’t have to but I would like to stay married if it’s possible.

Lots of people cheat and quite often their partner doesn't have a clue it has happened. So all this holier than thou attitude of once a cheetah. It's mad. Up to the individual person as to whether they want to carry on after they find out their partner has gone astray.

Staying married is going to depend on his completely changing his MO at home, pulling his weight 50:50 and stop being so bloody selfish.

That’s what put you off sex with him the first time. If he can’t change that, and he may not want to put the effort in, you will end up in the same place where you’re so resentful you don’t want to have sex with him.

Only next time you will always be looking over your shoulder in case he cheats.

The ball is very much in his court, he has to own his selfish behaviour, change his MO and grasp that’s where the lack of sex come from, as well as rebuilding the trust that he completely destroyed.

It will be a tall order, and tbh OP I don’t fancy your chances, but good luck anyway.

It might be crude but it’s still the truth.

Good luck to you though OP, if you think it’s worth a try. He sounds pretty lacking as a life partner to me though.

I agree that he needs to change.
I don't know any woman who enjoys sex with a man who treats her like a cleaner and nanny.
I know lots of women who have left men because they felt like domestic servants. The sex is crap or non existant.
Men need to wake up. If you want your wife to find you irresistible then become not attractive and treat her with respct, pull you weight.

Become more attracive.

I think you are still in the shock phase op. It's still very new, and of course traumatic. I'm glad you can see how selfish he's been. I think it's very sad and telling that when you told him how sad and neglected you felt, instead of addressing this and apologizing, he took the opportunity to strike a deal about getting more sex. It's really not normal to have to negotiate like that for quality time.

I think it's important when you are talking about reconciliation to realise that although you have a marriage you do not have the same marriage. His experience of marriage has been very different to yours and very positive.He has enjoyed plenty of privilege, he's had domestic support, easy childcare and lots of time out of the house.

What have you had? Neglect, emotional abandonment. Loneliness. You've carried the weight of the family while he's been out having fun.You've had sex you didn't want to try to get quality time.You've been treated like a housekeeper and nanny and that's not right. How long have you honestly been unhappy for?

So when you say he wants to save the marriage, which marriage is he wanting to save, his or yours? What does a healthy equal marriage look like to you, to him?

Many people take this opportunity to insist on a more healthy respectful marriage and rightly so. Unfortunately the person who is selfish and is used to privilege is invested in keeping it that way. I don't think that necessarily means he will cheat again, but I think it's highly likely that he will continue to be selfish in whatever way. Have you ever tried to change an aspect of your personality?

You should do what is right for you, which is for now working on your marriage. But I think it would be hugely beneficial for you to have a back up plan if it doesn't work out.That means knowing where you would stand legally and financially.

Is he still working with this woman?

Thanks Terf, your words make a lot of sense.

It has been the last year that I’ve been really unhappy as his time out the house escalated (pre affair - to do with his hobby), but probably since we had children the feeling of neglect/ resentment has slowly been building as year in year out I’ve had to do more than my fair share.

I completely hear what you say about difficulties in someone changing their personality. He says he wants to change but if I’m honest I’ve already noticed some regression in some of the changes he agreed to and it’s only been a few months. I have pulled him up on it.

He is still working with her but she is leaving (I’ve had this confirmed).

I have sought legal advice so I know roughly what would happen if we were to split. Things would definitely be tough financially (not that that is reason to stay in an unhappy marriage).

It’s the kids that worry me most. They’ve had a nice life and I feel sad to break up the family unit even though it is 100% HIS fault and I know it’s HIM that has broken it. If there is even a glimmer of salvaging things I want to do it for their sake. If we didn’t have kids I would leave no question. They are so young though and I know people will say you shouldn’t stay for the kids and I won’t but I want to try for the kids.

I'm glad you've sought legal advice. I'm not at all surprised to hear that there has already been some regression. I suspect him being selfish and you challenging that is going to be an on going thing. I'm sorry this has happened to you, it's a horrfic thing to go through.

I do hope you can salvage things, but do remember that a divorce is not the end of the world for kids if it comes to it. I stayed in a very unhappy marriage for far too long. Now they are older i am watching the same unhealthy dynamic playing out in their relationship. And of course to them, it's perfectly normal.

And being single with child free time definitely isn't all bad. I had a great time with friends and just doing what I wanted to do. I had lost myself in that miserable marriage.Turns out i was actually quite a fun sociable person without that miserable git!

I was always puzzled when I heard other single mum's describe the heartache of the kids going to dad's and being away from them. I couldn't wait to get rid of mine!

Mine would have their coats on ready and be pushed out the door into torrential rain when I heard his car come up the road

I think I would be like you! I love my kids to bits but god are they hard work! A bit of kid free time would actually be nice, especially seeing how little I get now.

I’m sorry you were in an unhappy marriage too but you’re living proof you can leave and make it out the other side, which is good to hear. I don’t know anyone in rl who’s been through this, probably because my friends are in quite young marriages, as am I. In some ways that makes it harder. I know it’s horrible to be cheated on no matter how long the marriage but in a longer marriage there could have been years and years of dissatisfaction, no sex, etc. I wonder how can he do this after only a few years of marriage and how he can think he won’t do it again in the next 30+ years in we stay together?

Op I agree with Terf.
When your dh says he wants to save the marriage I believe he means he wants to carry on as before with you doing the majority of the childcare and housework.
He still wants to have a wife, sure he'd like more sex on his terms, still expects to pursue a hobby whilst wifey sees to the house and children.

I doubt very much if his idea of a great marriage is to cut back on his free time, do 50% of the domestic chores, start looking after the kids more, make you feel more special, give you satisfying sex etc.
If you do stay, make sure you have a list of requirements which he must fulfil,
If he can't do it then I think you marriage is doomed.