Is this an acceptable reason for cheating?

[Ilovefruitpastilles]

I know there’s no acceptable reason for cheating really but sometimes can circumstances make someone vulnerable when in different circumstances they wouldn’t have dreamt of doing it?

My DH has cheated and it seems to have been down to a few things but he says the main reason was sexual rejection. Our sex life has got progressively worse over the past year and it had got to the point where I never wanted it and certainly never initiated anything. We were going through a very difficult period in our marriage and our relationship had deteriorated so much that I didn’t feel loving towards him at all and if he initiated it and we did sleep together it was pretty obvious that it was just a chore to me and I wasn’t really enjoying it.

He said enduring this for a year (and we did have differences before this as his sex drive is higher) had made him feel really depressed and he thought I didn’t fancy him or love him and was rejecting him. It made him feel absolutely terrible about himself so that when he then met someone who paid him a lot of attention (plus other stressful things in his life were going on to do with family) he started a friendship which then led to an affair.

I believed prior to this that if someone cheated you should leave as the trust that your relationship was built on was gone but now I’m in this situation I don’t know what to do.

There are several threads on here about relationships with no sex and everyone says how awful it makes them feel about themselves and how rejected and unfanciable they feel, and I believe he did feel that way. Obviously we both should have talked to each other about the way we were feeling as I felt that he wasn’t treating me well at the time which is why I was finding it difficult to be loving towards him, but we didn’t talk and now we are in this situation.

We’ve talked a lot now and do still love each other and want the marriage to work but I’m finding it difficult to get over the betrayal even though I sort of understand what led him down that path.

Sorry for the essay but it would be good to hear what others think.

WTF is a "Stick Incest"? :o:o

I have never read such a poorly written pile of garbage. How on earth do you expect anyone to read what you have to say when it is clear that you cannot string a sentence together?!

Oh and....reported, by the way :)

It’s not my truth though Aussie. It just sounds to me you were in a unhappy marriage and moved on to someone else , nothing more relevant than that.

Of course there are no good reasons to cheat, however, I was in your husbands situation, I was so lonely in my marriage that when someone came along and made me feel beautiful and interesting and important to him I did have an affair.

Nothing physical happened but I visited him at his home one evening and came home and immediately told my husband who left.

In my case and I think this is the difference between men and women, I had by the point of meeting OM checked out mentally and didn't want to recover my marriage.

I was so angry with him for how bad things had got, and marriage Councelling did nothing but magnify this rage and sadness at how he had treated me for so long.

Sorry that was long. It I'm trying to say that if he genuinely wants to fix this then it will take two of you to do that and you have to be sure it's what you want it's possible.

Op have you independently verified when this affair started? Or if there were other affairs prior? Because often what is given as a reason for cheating, is actually a consequence of cheating. In other words I would want to make sure that this bad patch wasn't a result of him cheating.

I don't think it's an excuse. And it's not a normal response to a bad patch. Otherwise we'd all be doing it.

But Aussie most people posting here are not in Japan ! And from what you have posted it just sounds like they have a shit deal and little voice because they don’t earn enough to be self sufficient not because they in any way want to endure that sort of life .

Oh no my dear. I am afraid ha he reason I repored you is far more mundane han ha. Dull even. Raher like your predicable, heard-i-all-before raning.

:)

Oh dear, forgot to replace the "T's"! Fautly keyboard.

Corrected...

Oh no my dear. I am afraid that the reason I reported you is far more mundane than that. Dull even. Rather like your predictable, heard-it-all-before ranting.

Thisimmortalcurl

Its not a case of not earning enough, its a case of what society expects ..

Japanese woman, five powerful reasons to be a woman in Japan

Does not matter if in Japan, Australia, the UK or anywhere else, if you stop sex because you do not enjoy it or any other reason, do not expect your partner to do the same, you either allow them to take a lover or you wait and cry foul when they cheat behind your back, and this goes for both sexes, male and female.

Op I really hope you're not taking this on. The bad patch sounds very brief and isn't unusual. This was not years and years of no sex and neglect. To put it in perspective some spouses live in different countries, some spouses don't have sex for a time due to pregnancy or childbirth. Some spouses are ill and simply cannot. This is not a sex starved man.

Often the reason for cheating is as simple as they wanted to. When many betrayed spouses look back, they can often see the traits of a cheater. Selfishness, entitlement and lying are often present in the past.

It's a concern to me that you have had sex you didn't want. I strongly disagree that sexual rejection was the reason for his affair. I think it's quite obvious that his sexual entitlement caused his affair.

Were you aware of the friendship op, or was it kept hidden from you?

OP ignore aussies mysognistic derailing bullshit.

Your dh wasnt treating you well so you felt less like having sex with him. I wouldn't want sex with someone who didnt treat me well either.

Its clear from your posts that he had sex with you even when it was obvious that you didnt really want it. Thats actually quite serious shit. Put yourself in his place. Would you be having sex with him if you knew he wasnt enjoying it and not care about his feelings at all?

He is not accepting responsibility and is blaming you.

Im sorry but I would only forgive an affair if the cheating partner was truly sorry and took full responsibility (Not I cheated because you werent giving me enough sex) and was willing to pull out all the stops to fix it

How did you find out, OP?

OP, I agree with Claydermansgirl that your DH needs to take responsibility for his actions if there's to be any chance of rebuilding trust in the marriage. If he's unwilling to do that he's not much of a man and doesn't have the maturity to be a responsible and respectful partner. Making excuses for his behaviour is rather childish and doesn't bode well for the future. If he wants to make it work he needs to be honest and he needs to make serious efforts to change his attitudes rather than blaming you.

Hi all,
Thanks for all your reports. As you can see we have removed the majority of the magnificent AussieSamurai's posts, just left a couple so newcomers to the thread get the flavour of his wisdom. We have also banned him, so hopefully everyone can get back to the business of supporting the OP asap.

Hi everyone, fortunately I read Aussie’s first post (before they were mostly removed) and scrolled past the rest so he hasn’t infected my brain with his ‘wisdom’.

Terfinater I am confident of approximately when the affair started as it’s a work colleague and she only joined the company last autumn. It went on for about 2 months before I found out by seeing odd messages on his phone and then having a look through it when I got chance (had never done so before in the previous 10 years).

If I hadn’t found out it would have continued but I don’t think he could have kept it going much longer without being found out. His behaviour has changed so much that family had noticed and commented about how stressed and unhappy he seemed. Our relationship was deteriorating to the point that it felt like it was all coming to a head one way or another, I just didn’t suspect at all that there was another woman. We had a few chats where he talked about how guilty he was feeling but said it was because I had to do everything because he wasn’t around for ‘work’ and obviously didn’t reveal the real reason for the guilt.

He definitely does have a selfish streak and the worst thing has been pursuing time consuming hobbies and leaving me on my own with two small children for long periods. That was a big factor of me feeling so resentful towards him but I hate confrontation so I don’t think I made it clear enough how soul-destroying I found it having to cope alone all the time. Inwardly though I was seething and felt rejected myself that my own husband doesn’t want to spend time with me.

I don’t know if he’s had an affair before. Last year is definitely the worst our relationship has ever been and I can’t think of an occasion previously that he was suddenly away ‘for work’ a lot. I don’t think he has but I’ll never know. He probably sounds awful but everyone thinks he’s so nice and I used to too. I didn’t think he had it in him to do something like this.

The thing thing is there are things the op isn't happy with.
What did the ops h do to put it right?
It takes two to make a marriage work, just one to end it.
I think m many couples find themselves in this situation.
One person is dissatisfiec, let's say they are doing 80% of the childcare. They speak to their oh who says they will do x y and z.
It doesn't last.
Person A then becomes despondent and doesn't way to b o tomato with person B.
Person B feels rejected, they then find attention elsewhere and an affair begins.

The root cause has not been addressed.
In This case it was the fact that A wanted B to do more of the childcare, it could be anything, but when it leads to resentment that makes a woman not want sex with her oh.

X posted with op.

Yep how to make your wife not haves with you - build up rresentment.

It used to be generally thought that the person who isn't getting their needs met and is getting less is likely to cheat. It's now recognised that actually cheaters are usually the people who have been taking more.

I really hope your counselling is helping you to address the inequality in your marriage and helping you to put your own self first. It's really not about lack of sex. It's about him being selfish and treating you like domestic service and hassling you for sex you don't want. I really would want couples counselling too, because he needs to realise that his entitlement caused this, not lack of sex. I'd be worried he is telling that story to his counsellor.

I would be mindful also of inadvertently rewarding him. Lots of sex, lots of attention is not a good thing in this situation. I think you need to put the focus back on yourself. Rather than arranging a childfree weekend, why not leave the kids with him and go and visit your family? You have been carrying the weight alone for far too long.

Now is the time to put yourself first and insist that you are treated equally. Do you have a hobby?

It's not an acceptable reason to cheat, no. But if your sex life with your partner is abysmal and nothing changes after much discussion, you can't be surprised if they do have an affair

^ Completely agree with this.

I think the fact you had to find out would be the dealbreaker for me. That he'd put you through misery whilst he was having a lovely time. Don't believe him if he said it made him miserable. If he was miserable, he would have stopped. He had a great time when he wasn't with his family feeling guilty. He got to have happy, enjoyable times whilst you were miserable. And he let that go on and on. Unacceptable.

And I disagree that you can't be surprised. You need to end the relationship or discuss an open relationship, not lie, lie and more lies.

There was no sex for a reason - you say your relationship was going through a very difficult period to the point that you ‘didn’t feel loving towards him’.

The thing for him to do was to work on the relationship not have an affair.

Why did you not feel loving? Was he being difficult? Behaving badly?

It's not an acceptable reason to cheat, no. But if your sex life with your partner is abysmal and nothing changes after much discussion, you can't be surprised if they do have an affair

There wasn’t much discussion. He didn’t tell me how he felt and vice versa. Major communication breakdown :(

Tatiana it was to go with being left alone with two small children a lot while he pursued hobbies. The balance of our relationship/ family life has been unfair with me doing too much of the work.

Terfinater I don’t really have a hobby. I used to spend lots of time socialising, going to gigs, nice restaurants, etc but this is much reduced since having kids. Maybe I need to take up a hobby! I am making plans to have a girls’ weekend away with my friends though

Merry it was horrible to find out like that. I wish when he’d been talking about feeling guilty that he had just confessed there and then. It’s horrible to think it could have been going on for 6 months, a year, or longer... I don’t think I could stay with him if it had have gone on for that long. It would have involved another level of deceit.