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Original poster

Is this an acceptable reason for cheating?

151 replies

Ilovefruitpastilles · 26/02/2018 10:36

I know there’s no acceptable reason for cheating really but sometimes can circumstances make someone vulnerable when in different circumstances they wouldn’t have dreamt of doing it?

My DH has cheated and it seems to have been down to a few things but he says the main reason was sexual rejection. Our sex life has got progressively worse over the past year and it had got to the point where I never wanted it and certainly never initiated anything. We were going through a very difficult period in our marriage and our relationship had deteriorated so much that I didn’t feel loving towards him at all and if he initiated it and we did sleep together it was pretty obvious that it was just a chore to me and I wasn’t really enjoying it.

He said enduring this for a year (and we did have differences before this as his sex drive is higher) had made him feel really depressed and he thought I didn’t fancy him or love him and was rejecting him. It made him feel absolutely terrible about himself so that when he then met someone who paid him a lot of attention (plus other stressful things in his life were going on to do with family) he started a friendship which then led to an affair.

I believed prior to this that if someone cheated you should leave as the trust that your relationship was built on was gone but now I’m in this situation I don’t know what to do.

There are several threads on here about relationships with no sex and everyone says how awful it makes them feel about themselves and how rejected and unfanciable they feel, and I believe he did feel that way. Obviously we both should have talked to each other about the way we were feeling as I felt that he wasn’t treating me well at the time which is why I was finding it difficult to be loving towards him, but we didn’t talk and now we are in this situation.

We’ve talked a lot now and do still love each other and want the marriage to work but I’m finding it difficult to get over the betrayal even though I sort of understand what led him down that path.

Sorry for the essay but it would be good to hear what others think.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 26/02/2018 17:32

we’ve been advised not to get two lots of counselling at once

I've heard that school of thought. Although some do both at the same time.

The problem was not addressing what was bothering you both felt at the time. I know it's easier said than done.

Original poster
ilovefruitpastilles · 26/02/2018 18:48

He didn’t really try and address the issues in our marriage I don’t think. He isn’t very good at talking about his emotions and neither am I so we were both resentful about different things but not really communicating that to each other. Since it’s happened we’ve both been very open and honest and I just wish we’d been like that 6 months ago and perhaps this would have been avoided.

Ironically we are now going through a hysterical bonding phase so are having lots of sex. Not sure how long it will last though.

OP posts:
Sometimeitrains · 26/02/2018 19:10

There is never an acceptable reason for cheating. There are reasons for it that one individual can tolerate and move on from and those that another individual just cannot.
It sounds like you want to be the first in those scenarios and maybe you will be able to, but it will take a long time possibly years.
Only time will tell if your relationship will be able to survive it.
Use the counselling to decide if a relationship with him is truely whats best for YOU. Then work on the results of that one way or the other

Sauvignonne · 26/02/2018 19:17

If you really believe that his affair would still be going on if you hadn't found out about it then there is more to this than a 'mistake he made while a bit sad' or whatever reason he is using to justify himself.

If he chose having sex with someone else rather than talk to you about having sex with you then he will again. Even if he doesn't you'll never really be able to trust him. Don't let your children grow up seeing you as a doormat.

Moussemoose · 26/02/2018 19:19

I've never cheated and hope I never would.

However, that does not mean I can not understand how sexual rejection might lead someone to cheat. I'm not saying it's ok, or right, or good, I can just see how it could happen.

I am human enough go to know that in certain circumstances I am capable of making mistake. Cheating isn't acceptable, but as humans we are all frail.

Sexual desire and rejection are strong, powerful emotions in some more than others. That's not a male/ female division but a comment on sexual drive. Some people are just weak.

What I am struggling to say is obviously you DH was wrong but only you can know if he is a serial cheat who doesn't care or someone with strong sexual desire driven to make a mistake. If your sexual urges don't match then love might not be enough.

Whatsupp672 · 26/02/2018 20:12

No reasons are acceptable but there are reasons for most affairs. Whether you choose to accept that and be open to the relationship being given a chance is up to you and you alone. The key thing here though is whether he is still the man for you. It sounds like you had both grown apart. It’s easy to say “we still love each other”. They are just words. It’s much harder to demonstrate this ok a regular basis. Do you still think that you want to spend the rest of your life with this man? If you didn’t have kids, would you?

Original poster
ilovefruitpastilles · 26/02/2018 21:03

At the time when things were going badly and the in the immediate aftermath I wasn’t sure he was the man for me. Strangely now after we’ve had so many talks about us, what went wrong, what we can do to improve things, we do feel much closer and I think we could be happy again. I don’t think we’ve grown apart, more that I felt way down his priority list and he thought I didn’t want him.

It’s hard to say re if we had no kids - possibly I wouldn’t have been willing to give him a chance but I’m not sure we would be in this situation if we hadn’t as we would have spent more quality time together, etc. Our relationship has progressively got worse since having children, not helped by having no support network near us.

OP posts:
Whatsupp672 · 26/02/2018 21:57

Just give it some time then and see how it goes. The default from many women tends to be stay together (usually to keep the family together more than anything). However it’s not wrong to want to end things, either now or at anytime in the future.

friendlybanter · 27/02/2018 00:48

I'm in a similar situation to your husband and have considered cheating multiple times because I've been pursued multiple times but it's against my morals so haven't and probably won't cheat on my long term girlfriend.

The issue for me is how do you expect a man or even a woman to cope with being rejected physically and intimately for so long? It literally is depressing and leads to resentment in the relationship which causes other issues and increases the lack of sexual relations cycle even further.

Sex is an important part of the relationship... if you fail that commitment, then common sense says your partner will seek that affection or intimacy somewhere else.

I know this isn't a popular opinion but hey, the truth hurts sometimes.

DadOnMumsForum · 27/02/2018 01:18

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Thisimmortalcurl · 27/02/2018 01:33

Are you the OP’s husband Random Dad ?

DadOnMumsForum · 27/02/2018 01:59

Haha no, Thisimmortalcurl. I don't know anyone involved here. I am just concerned about preserving this family's unity.

OtterInDisgrace · 27/02/2018 02:08

Jesus fucking Christ. Way to try to guilt trip the OP into excusing and ignoring his behaviour ‘for the sake of the kids’.

Here, have a Biscuit

OtterInDisgrace · 27/02/2018 02:08

That was for RandomDad. Family’s unity my arse.

OtterInDisgrace · 27/02/2018 02:10

Why wasn’t the husband thinking of the family unity when he fell cock first into someone else’s vagina?

PointyBirdsAnointyNointy · 27/02/2018 02:30

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PointyBirdsAnointyNointy · 27/02/2018 02:31

Why wasn’t the husband thinking of the family unity when he fell cock first into someone else’s vagina?

Exactly.

Terftastic · 27/02/2018 02:35

Let's welcome our visitor for the night - Dadonamumsforum!

Big round of applause for the argument: - men - you can cheat on wives and then guilt her into staying with you 'for the sake of the kids.'

How about you try to curtail your sex drive for 5 fucking minutes for the sake of the kids??

PyongyangKipperbang · 27/02/2018 02:40

The key word is "cheating"

There is never any justification for either sex to lie to their partner and have emoitonal or physical relations outside of the marriage. If there are problems there are always other options than simply getting ones jollies elsewhere.

However, if both partners agree to one (or both) having secondary relationships outside of the primary one then that is fine, and it isnt by definition, cheating.

So..... no.

PyongyangKipperbang · 27/02/2018 02:44

Why wasn’t the husband thinking of the family unity when he fell cock first into someone else’s vagina?

Well quite.

Funny how "think of the children" is only ever levelled at a woman who is considering ended a marriage to a cheater isnt it? Its never levelled at a man who knew full well that his actions could end his marriage but did it anyway.

BREAKING NEWS!!!!!!!!

Men are just as responsible for their families happiness as women. SHOCKER!

Argeles · 27/02/2018 02:46

No op, he was 100% fucking out of order for doing this, and never should have treated you like this.

As much as most of us wouldn’t like to think of our partners wanking over porn, surely he could’ve done this rather than cheat on you? And only after around a year of sex becoming an issue too! Some people manage to cope for years without sex. It may not be ideal, but they do it out of respect for themselves and their partner.

Your Husband could’ve, and should’ve made a hell of a lot more effort with you, to ascertain how and why you were feeling the way that you were. Often for women the reasons are hormonal, and strike without warning. He could’ve ensured that he really made an extra effort to be more supportive and romantic for example, but instead he chose the cowardly ‘easy way out.’

How incredibly disrespectful of him to do this. Utter shame on him!

Move on. You deserve so much better. I’m so sorry for what you are going through Flowers

sykadelic · 27/02/2018 02:53

@DadOnMumsForum while you're entitled to your opinion, it's pretty sad that you think that's okay.

  1. She didn't cheat, HE DID.
  2. She didn't forget about the kids, HE DID
  3. She didn't put her own feelings before him and/or the kids, HE DID.

This is how it starts. If she chooses to stay, she chooses to stay for herself and her happiness. She isn't suddenly less of a person who has to suck up abuse because of the kids.

I think it's pretty obvious that staying for the sake of the kids is more detrimental. The kids see poor behaviour and think it's something they need to accept, or behaviour they emulate. They're exposed to anger/fights etc, it's not good for them.

If they decide to separate/divorce then staying civil for the sake of hte kids is the best advice. Remembering that it's not a competition and doing what's best for them, is in their best interest. Sometimes "doing what's best" is separating, and that's okay.

If they're happy staying together, that's all well and good. But no-one should ever make a decision solely "for the kids" because it's unhealthy, they'll be unhappy and the kids will see that.

MrsDilber · 27/02/2018 02:53

If you're having a rocky patch, the last thing you want is sex with that person. That's why you didn't have sex with him, nothing to do with fancying him and his appearance. That's a cop out.

Jacksmits · 27/02/2018 03:17

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LolitaLempicka · 27/02/2018 03:18

As others have said, it was an acceptable reason to split up, but it was not an acceptable reason to cheat. There are never acceptable reasons to cheat.