ADVICE or THOUGHTS ON ADULT FRIEND GROUP ISSUE

[TITANIUMPINS]

So wondered if anyone had any words of wisdom to help me put this to bed. I have (had) a circle of friends, we all meet regularly, husbands are friends and the kids have all been friends since P1 they are now 13.
So Friend A was who i became friendly with and she introduced me to here good friend B and her sister C. About 2 years ago another girl was introduced to the group and from then on really it was all about D and that was hurtful at first but I got on with the others and didnt want to rock the boat.

Over the last year friend A has really been bullying me: snide texts, rolling eyes with friend D, the butt of the jokes under the guise of friendship, excluding me on occasion and not responding on group chats etc. Putting down any achievements and generally not being very nice. One example would be when friend A&D both had a go at me for dropping nail polish on the floor of a pub (I was picking at it).
So obviously I dont want to hang out with her or D again.

It is so difficult though as my DH is very good friends with friend As husband and all the kids of the entire group are big friends too.

This is where I wonder if you have anything to help now that its become apparent that FRIEND A and I are not gong to be friendly friend B& sister C now no longer keep in contact they are freindly if I contact them but thats it. Seems our friendship was only based on being pals with A. We have hung out for 5 years and I feel really hurt.

I feel for my DS too as this is his friendship group too. All my group of so called friends met up yesterday to watch rugby with their families and my son asked to be dropped off so he could hang out with his friends. He asked if i was sad that I wasn't invited and I said no and I said are you sad and he said yes. When i dropped him off i bumped into sister C and her family and she was friendly but it was very awkward.

Why would other friends only be your friend if you are friends with one person and why have they effectively condoned A's behaviour.

this is what keeps running through my head WHY and I suppose if it wasn't for it effecting DS I might not be as bothered :-(

What a horrible situation.

Why would other friends only be your friend if you are friends with one person and why have they effectively condoned A's behaviour.
^
this

all these women were A's friends. She for whatever reason reeled you in and then bullied you. It's been done to me and its baffling as to why.

Is there any reason at all?

In my situation my friend A was just downright jealous and when a new friend came in the group.....a neighbour......which was odd as we'd known each other 20 years all this not including me and nasty asides started.
Thing is I have always had other friends and don't really believe in circles of friends that always invite each other etc so I left her to it and now we hardly speak.
Funny thing is neither does the neighbour.
Leave her to it though its hurtful at the time.

Yeah I just feeling really sh*t about the whole thing even though I am a grown bloody adult but mainly I worry how its effecting DS. I also feel very rejected and like I am a crap person.

The only reason I can think of is that I let friend A get away with this kind of behaviour and I never called her out on it for the sake of harmony. So I assume if you let someone get away with something then it esculates. Its clear to me she wanted me out of the group. We used to be really good friends going on holiday etc. It just became more obvious when friend D joined the group as then there were 2 doing it.

Partly I think it could be some kind of jealously thing as I had become fairly close to Friend B & C really because A&D are thick as thieves.

It is baffling sorry you had a similar situation, I do have other lovely friends its just the whole kids connection they are all so tight and inevitable it seems it won't just be me thats left out but him.

Although clearly not that close as now I don't hear from the other girls.

I would completely distance myself from A and D and try to repair some kind of relationship with B and C. These women sound awful and they will each see the other for what they really are at some point.

Does your Dh know anything? Maybe his mate (A, s Fh) might know?

P. S life is way too short to spend time with or worrying about crap friends and grown ass women acting like a bunch of playground bullies. Try not to worry about ds if he's still going and seeing them all you need to do is drop and leave. All the best

@JonnyUtah

DH and friend A's husband are keeping out of it all and trying to remain friends. Her DH doesn't seem to know what the issue is and prefers to leave the woman to it. My DH is not sensitive or especially bothered about these type of things but even he says the way the other girls have behaved is appalling and that he is a bit shocked that they no longer contact me. All the DS are in same footie team too so they all there on sidelines every week.

If I were in your shoes I would just ask in a non aggressive manner what the problem was. Had I done something or was it that I’m just annoying.

I’m not saying this is what you should do, just I don’t like not having answers.

In regards to DS, he’s a teen now and so that’s a good it has happened now rather than when he was younger as he can hang out easily independently of you. DH the same.

I know thanks @JonnyUtah.

Well middleclassproblem I have missed the most important part I stopped hanging out when A had a go at me when noone else was around. She went on about the kids how my DS dropped her DS to play with another boy but that wasn't the case her DS and his pal didnt want to play so my DS and the 4th boy played istead. Noone was left out. , how B is her friend she has known her the longest, and a bunch of other stuff about how crap I am. I said it sounds like you really dont like me much and she says offt thats just your insecurity!!!

Unfortuately my DS only got to hear about the kids watching the match as he had asked what they were up to he wasn't invited.

I’ve been in this situation and my advice is to leave it and don’t say a word. I tried to tackle it and it went volcanic because they are basically looking for an opportunity to have a bun fight with you as the scapegoat. Don’t be me, don’t give them any fuel for any fire. Be absolutely bland and pleasant and polite at all times with all members of the group. Do not bitch at anybody about any of it. Act as though you haven’t noticed a single thing. Go along if invited and be super lovely and pleasant. What’s happened and is happening is that they are bonding over mutual bitchiness and hatred of you. The moment you give them any fuel then they’re pathetic little minds think “bingo”. Remove it. You need to be very very clever here or you will all lose your friendship group. Let your DS run his own social stuff. Suggest the kids have their own whatsapp group? Tell your DH if he’s ever asked by any of the blokes to say “no, she hasn’t said anything. I think she’s really likes everybody. She doesn’t have any problems. She’s always been really easy going” it’s now a PR battle. The best thing to do now is divide and conquer and wait it out. Invite B, C and D to various things separately? Engineer things that they can come to. For example, if one of them is into a particular band then get two tickets. Then contact that person and say “Hey! How are you. I wondered if you fancy going to see Xxxx I’ve got two tickets but my mate got sick and had to drop out :( I know you love them so I thought you might fancy it? No money expected as I already paid ages ago. Fancy a freebie? Be lovely if you could come xxxx”
You would only need to do this a few times before any nastiness from A starts to really be noticed as petty from the others and it all starts to fall apart for her.

Bad luck at meeting such a nutter (A) It is an unfortunate mix of crazy bully and others who join in. I would move on a make a new group. I’m sure your DH could also look elsewhere for social contacts who come without a mental wife😂. Meanwhile smile be pleasant but others disengage. Never complain never explain. They will soon turn on another member of the group in your absence. The world is full of lovely people who enhance your life and the perk of friends is you get to choose them.

@chickenmom that all actually is very good advice but I guess everyone seems to have made it clear that they are following A and we are out. Even though A did something very similar to B telling her she had no friends etc one time when she was down about a personal issue. I forgot she said that to me also when she had her private go at me. I do have other friends and never had these issues. What happened in the aftermath how do you cope with it all. Thought you hit the nail on the head with a PR exercise.

@Juliejools I like that phrase a lot never complain never explain :-)

She’s made it clear but I think you should hold tight. Get your DH to start by inviting out one on one. Men don’t normally participate in this rubbish. Then I’m sure you’ve got a special occasion coming up right? Make something up. Anniversary of something. Special birthday...invite all of them except for A. Even get DH to invite her DH separately. If she starts getting left out then things will quickly change. You could also get your DH to arrange a poker night where all the blokes get invited. Don’t give up yet. Winds do change. You just need to be extra sneaky about it.

She doesn’t own the friendship group. Divide and conquer. Start inviting the separate couples over. Invite B and C and families over all together. Do not talk about her. Be super lovely to them. Lots of “Ive missed you guys. Our friendship means so much to me”

Reading back, your route in is through B because she’s been on the receiving end. Do a fondue night and invite b and c. Time to mix it up? A doesn’t own b and c

Gosh sounds like hard work @chickenom but it seems that PR and group perception and playing people at their own game actually works :-(. I think as I am a bloody adult if my friends had a fallout I would make an effort to see them both not be a bunch of bloody sheep.

If you do have them over, do not vent or bitch. Even if they do it to you. Just nod and sympathise and say “I hadn’t really noticed but I do really miss A. She’s always been a lovely friend and we’ve always been really close. I must invite her over soon” it’s very very hard for somebody to be nasty about you to others if you are super nice about them. Makes them look like a right weirdo and gives everyone pause for thought. I call it the “Mother Theresa” approach. You need to be Mother Theresa to that bunch of assholes right now. Worth a try? What have you got to lose?!?

@chickenmom I dont think friend B would come she is A's orginal friend and now if I text she is very pleasant but she doesnt text me or invite me to anything. I did ask her before xmas to meet up for a coffee but she said she was busy so kind of got to take the hint. I suggested coffee as a low key way to maintain the friendship given her friendliness with A I know she wouldn't want to start having big nights out. The whole thing is so horrible as I haven't fallen out with these people why does A hold all the power why is it so fecking childish. I think A is a mentalist and she is a drinker so its no great loss and I only put up with her behaviour precisley to avoid this outcome. I feel really embaressed that I let her talk to me like that especially the one when noone was around and I sat and took it like an idiot and even apologised for the imagined slights. arhgghghggh

Could you message B and C together at the same time eg on the same whatsapp message. “Hi you two. Hope you’re both well. Haven’t seen you both for ages and wondered if you fancied a catch up soon? Coffee or wine one eve?” Then wait and see. See it as a final try. It’s harder for them to just blow you out if you do both. I’d say give it a final try. Then if you get no joy just invest time and energy in building up other friendships. It’s incredibly hard when you’ve been ghosted by a group. Horrid stuff.

You need to bin the lot of them.

I’m Sorry if this is harsh but they don’t want to be your friends anymore and you can’t force them to be.

Imagine if this was a romantic relationship; you ‘partner’ A starts treating you like shit, ignoring you, avoiding you. Would you pursue them over this time? Nope. You would cut your losses, Nurse your broken heart and move on.

You need to do that with this group of friends. And yes, it is shit for your DS. But that is their fault and not his or yours. It’s just a shitty thing to happen.

Also, do you really want to friends with people like this? They sound toxic or something out of a soap opera.

Yes I will give that some thought @chickenmom maybe I will be suprised.

No you are not being harsh at all @CallYourDadYoureInACult thats why after that night I just though enough is enough I dont enjoy your company i need to have a bit of self respect. It just does hurt that it seems everyone has taken the easy route probably worried they are next. I felt doubly stabbed in the back about the rugby event as there is a friend D who I still see as we were friends and did stuff without A and the group anyway and she was invited along as she is part of the gang too and she didnt ask us either. Who knew that the playground still exists when you are grown up with your own kids.

Suppose i am just venting here rather than going round and throwing bricks at A's windows (joking LOL)

LETTER CONFUSION HERE friend E that would be