ADVICE or THOUGHTS ON ADULT FRIEND GROUP ISSUE

[TITANIUMPINS]

So wondered if anyone had any words of wisdom to help me put this to bed. I have (had) a circle of friends, we all meet regularly, husbands are friends and the kids have all been friends since P1 they are now 13.
So Friend A was who i became friendly with and she introduced me to here good friend B and her sister C. About 2 years ago another girl was introduced to the group and from then on really it was all about D and that was hurtful at first but I got on with the others and didnt want to rock the boat.

Over the last year friend A has really been bullying me: snide texts, rolling eyes with friend D, the butt of the jokes under the guise of friendship, excluding me on occasion and not responding on group chats etc. Putting down any achievements and generally not being very nice. One example would be when friend A&D both had a go at me for dropping nail polish on the floor of a pub (I was picking at it).
So obviously I dont want to hang out with her or D again.

It is so difficult though as my DH is very good friends with friend As husband and all the kids of the entire group are big friends too.

This is where I wonder if you have anything to help now that its become apparent that FRIEND A and I are not gong to be friendly friend B& sister C now no longer keep in contact they are freindly if I contact them but thats it. Seems our friendship was only based on being pals with A. We have hung out for 5 years and I feel really hurt.

I feel for my DS too as this is his friendship group too. All my group of so called friends met up yesterday to watch rugby with their families and my son asked to be dropped off so he could hang out with his friends. He asked if i was sad that I wasn't invited and I said no and I said are you sad and he said yes. When i dropped him off i bumped into sister C and her family and she was friendly but it was very awkward.

Why would other friends only be your friend if you are friends with one person and why have they effectively condoned A's behaviour.

this is what keeps running through my head WHY and I suppose if it wasn't for it effecting DS I might not be as bothered :-(

I agree with Callyourdad here op. Why do you want to spend time with people who make you feel bad about yourself who follow Queen Bee Bully A like a bunch of pathetic sheep and allow someone they have spent time with to be bitched about and bullied. No, op, cut your losses. Why on earth would you be worried about losing a friendship group like this - it is no loss at all.

Sorry for your lovely ds here though op. So sad that a child should pick up upon the negative treatment they have doled out to you and to see his dm bullied in this way. Because exclusion is bullying and A wants you gone.

I think you need to focus on ds finding new friendship groups and your dh needs to sort himself out and distance himself from the husband of A. He needs to sort out his loyalties as he cannot be part of a group of people who exclude and treat you so poorly.

Can your DH just invite the other men and kids out? To watch a local footie match or something that your DC doesn't get excluded but you don't have to deal with the bitchiness? The kids whatsapp group is a great idea. Tell your DH to act as normal. No bitching. I would only do this to not make things awkward for the kids but wouldn't particularly want A-D for friends anymore.

@anxious yes A's husband is a really nice bloke and they have been doing some of those things you suggest for exactly for that reason. Friend A husband very much wanted it all resolved but for me A and I will never be friends again. As @Elsiemc said my DH would just walk away but I have asked him to keep the contact for DS sake and A's husband keen on that too. The kids hangout, they play footie for the same team, they all walk and go to school together. Yes and I agree @chickenmoms whatsapp idea is a really good one and thank god they are at an older age. Just was a bit heart wrenching when DS said he was sad. I dont want him to end up falling out with his freinds over it as kids can and do lash out.

Sorry.... zero advice but i hate this shit, really thought all this stopped at school but what the f is wrong with some women, it just continues! If it was me it would sting but i'd hold head up as high as possible, facilitate as much kid time as possible (invite the kids to yours?) and ignore the rest of it.

I wouldn’t be mad at E. She’s not cut you out and it’s not her place to invite you to something organised by someone else particularly if there’s some tension.

With B do you really want to be friends with someone who would drop you for A’s reasons?

Yeah woman can be so brilliant and other times so shit. It defo stings but no I dont want to be part of that kind of thing especially as i have other genuine friends. I suppose this group can be fun and it was also really convenient. Its good to vent and hear other people have experienced this too. There is always gossip and you wouldn't tell them anything personal as A in particular turns it into a story to chat about. Thanks maybe you are right about friend E and its not really her place I guess :-)

You have my sympathies OP - I am going through similar at the moment, having been very publicly excluded from a large social event by someone from my friendship group. It' s a clever way of bullying and it kind of tests the loyalties you have with quite close friends within that group. Do they think it's OK for me to be treated like that from that person- I have told them how upset I was and one just made up a list of excuses as to why me & DH weren't invited - and so the seeds of division have been sewn and I suddenly feel pushed out - even though I have been friends with these people long before the instigator of the exclusion appeared on the scene

Sounds like you have a Wendy on your hands. Sorry op.
The tables will turn and they will see her for what she is but id move on if I were you.

My goodness, I just couldn’t be bothered with all this shit. I’d distance myself and only get arsey if my D.C. were affected, then Princess’s A and D would get both bloody barrels

Bloody women, this crap pisses me off no end!

Go out with your DH and all the other DH’s, that’ll set the cat amongst the pigeons

Aw thanks guys for the replies I can't even believe this kind of shit goes on when you are in your late 40s.

@cannotchange thanks for sharing and sorry you feel this is happening to you. I think thats part of it I feel like I am the only one it makes me feel bit better that its not just me although I wouldn't wish this on anyone else!!!!

I was thinking @cannotchange I am assuming it is just one person in the group and thinking on it try and not let the exclusion spoil your other friendships. Its hard esp if like my ex Friend A if they hold the power as it were....

So mumsnet folk as I sit here on a Friday nighthaving dropped the DS to be with his friendsathe club we always went to every Friday and my ex friends all up there no invite even from my more FRIEND E. (tink she has decided that maybe she finds it too awkward think shegiving me the brush off).

So has anyone else lost their friendship group (I use the term loosely) and then come out the other side and thought life is much better and why did I waste any time & energy?

I am in severe danger of feeling too bloody sorry for myelf and hope that someone has some fab tales of yes this happened and now my life is more fabulou than ever :-)

Mind you assume most folks have got better things to do :-)

and is it possible to change the caps on the post title didn't mean to be shouting

I've been there. It is retched. You want answers. You don't want your children to feel hurt because you are hurting.

But here's the thing. You have done nothing wrong, except not telling her to back off when she started flexing. But she was the catalyst and if you had have said something, she'd have treated you exactly the same as she has done now.

So, in that respect, you've lost nothing but it was still not a situation that you could have 'won'. When she spoke to you like dirt, she signified the end of your friendship.

Letting Asshole talk to you like that, gave her the 'power' to be even more of a bitch.

It's only the last couple of years, after experiencing something similar, that I've realised that those I have stood up to have largely backed down and those that I didn't stand up to (because I didn't want to make matters worse), got progressively worse and then ended up flouncing off/hitting/swearing.

The thing is, talking to someone like they are something off of your shoe, for no good reason, cannot really get any worse. So I make sure now that I try and challenge every bit of bitchiness. And if I can't challenge it, I walk away.

But it all boils down to the same thing. People like this are bullies, even by proxy.

It's an awful situation for you OP.

Ps, I really hope my post hadn't come across as 'victim' blaming OP. It sure hasn't meant to. And in no way am I trying to insinuate that you caused this by keeping quiet. I'm just not great at trying to get my message across, concisely.

The dynamics of this friendship group will change, OP. It always does when there are negative elements in that group.

Not at all and thank you for sharing. Wretched is the word it’s doubly difficult as I’m worried about DS as these are his friendship group mothers makes me feel so rubbish that I’ve caused him this and when summer comes he will be left out because of me or indirectly me at least. I think he is struggling with it I gave him a row today and he said at least I have friends arghhhh

DH and friend A's husband are keeping out of it all and trying to remain friends

I'm sorry but that's fucking bullshit.. these woman are actively excluding you but your Son and your DH are welcomed with open arms.....

your DH must support you in this VILE situation... he needs to stand firm and say no more treating my wife like this...

Been there and it was the most hideous time. It was the first time my DCs saw DH cry - my A would never commit to anything I suggested because of money yet arranged a group holiday , excluding us. Our kids were devastated and some of the other women told me I had upset A! She sent a series of angry messages to me.
I cut contact, felt devastated, upset and angry for a long time, and my kids stopped going to the same groups. They knew what had happened, so they understood. My DH was contacted by hers a long while later and they met for a pint. He told DH the group drifted apart shortly after, and they rarely see one another now. None of the kids stayed friends.
I can look back and see how A and her winchwoman, B, complained about everyone in the group. Do I want friends like this? No. Do we miss being part of a ‘gang’? Yes. But we do have other friends now, and time has been a healer.

@cafenoir thanks for sharing it’s so horrible and you feel like the only person that this is happened to and I feel like a silly School girl for even being bothered and a pariah. I don’t think the group look like they splitting up any time soon. The kids all stick together at school too so I’m so worried that eventually the kids will exclude my DS there is a whole gang and being boys seem to be happy being friends and not expanding their circle. They also go to a school where kids are bused in so that’s probably why they stuck together even now they are in high school because they are all local. This club is very much their social scene. This has been going on since the summer so it’s not new but after Xmas it was if a collective decision was made that no one would contact me I just don’t understand it all. I initially put it down to awkwardness over friend A having a big birthday weekend but nothing since then either. As a previous poster said I wish I had some answers. Like you though A and side kick D talk about everybody and A has really run her long term pal B to me especially when we first met and I must say i believed it all but now I wonder 5 yrs on how much of it was true as I haven’t seen any of the things mentioned. Were your DC a bit older ? Funny enough friend A private bashing was right before a holiday and I guess designed to make us pull out very upsetting for DS.

I really would be fine if it wasn’t for DS :-(

I think it might actually be good for your DS to manage his own friendships a bit. I'm certainly not best buddies with the parents of my DCs' friends (although we get on well enough to share lifts etc.) It just strikes me that the set-up you've been describing where everyone's friends with everybody else in the group is just a touch suffocating and a perfect breeding ground for the type of childish backstabbing you've been subjected to.

Walk away. Walk a long way away, and then take a look at the scene outside that horrid poisonous little clique. Chances are there's more opportunities for friendly social interaction than meets the eye. Just keep your eyes and mind open.

My eldest had just started senior school, and the oldest group of kids were 14. He lost his best mate over it, we all lost out. He was really angry at the way it all happened, but did develop other friendships. Funnily enough, if he sees any of the gang around they will pass the time of day but he doesn’t have much to say to them now. It’s like he never knew them.

I’d keep busy, change your routine a little, expect it to hurt for a while, but know you’ll come out the other side. Unfollow them on social media and don’t be tempted to see what they’re up to. IME toxic groups like this do implode more often than not. You’ll be amazed what time brings.

I think you need to move on and find new friends. You are better off without any of them. I'm ashamed at how hard I tried to reconnect with a group of ex-friends where similar dynamics had occurred.

Even years later they gave me a few crumbs and I was eager to be taken back.

I realise now what mean, selfish, cowardly, two-faced, horrible people the lot of them were. I'd seen how they treated others and went along with it so in a way, before they turned on me, I was just as bad.

It is damaging to hang around with people like that. If you are 'lucky' enough to be taken back then you are always expect it to happen again.

Absolutely @gallicoscats I hope they do because if they not friends with my DS they is such a big crowd i don't know who he would hang out with.

As an update tonight no one on Xbox for my DS they are all at friend A house I feel absolutely awful I've created a situation for my DS he seems really upset. Friend A must be absolutely delighted with this outcome.

@cafenoirbiscuit this all sounds so similar to my situation might I ask how it ended up effecting the kids ?

I realise I am better off completely and like you @paranoidpammywhammy2 I did not like the behaviour I condoned to fit in but felt a bit trapped due to the entwinement.

I am sitting here feeling so awful and just beside myself about the whole thing for my DS I feel like crying it's so pathetic. I don't even think I experienced this at school !!!

What a bitch. I hope karma bites her up the arse

I can only hope and I missed my chance because her private bashing just blindsided me ! Wish I'd walked away or told her a thing or 2 .