ADVICE or THOUGHTS ON ADULT FRIEND GROUP ISSUE

[TITANIUMPINS]

So wondered if anyone had any words of wisdom to help me put this to bed. I have (had) a circle of friends, we all meet regularly, husbands are friends and the kids have all been friends since P1 they are now 13.
So Friend A was who i became friendly with and she introduced me to here good friend B and her sister C. About 2 years ago another girl was introduced to the group and from then on really it was all about D and that was hurtful at first but I got on with the others and didnt want to rock the boat.

Over the last year friend A has really been bullying me: snide texts, rolling eyes with friend D, the butt of the jokes under the guise of friendship, excluding me on occasion and not responding on group chats etc. Putting down any achievements and generally not being very nice. One example would be when friend A&D both had a go at me for dropping nail polish on the floor of a pub (I was picking at it).
So obviously I dont want to hang out with her or D again.

It is so difficult though as my DH is very good friends with friend As husband and all the kids of the entire group are big friends too.

This is where I wonder if you have anything to help now that its become apparent that FRIEND A and I are not gong to be friendly friend B& sister C now no longer keep in contact they are freindly if I contact them but thats it. Seems our friendship was only based on being pals with A. We have hung out for 5 years and I feel really hurt.

I feel for my DS too as this is his friendship group too. All my group of so called friends met up yesterday to watch rugby with their families and my son asked to be dropped off so he could hang out with his friends. He asked if i was sad that I wasn't invited and I said no and I said are you sad and he said yes. When i dropped him off i bumped into sister C and her family and she was friendly but it was very awkward.

Why would other friends only be your friend if you are friends with one person and why have they effectively condoned A's behaviour.

this is what keeps running through my head WHY and I suppose if it wasn't for it effecting DS I might not be as bothered :-(

Not trivial TIT.
Focus on your marriage. Sounds like this will improve once the friend situation does TBH.

Your son shouldn't have known enough to be able to comment on why you are excluded, certainly not to the point of asking if you're sad. He shouldn't be worrying about you.

It was pretty hard for OP's son not to have known, when they started excluding him too.

And, yes, of course the answer is to ignore and move on...but, in the interim, it's an awful situation.

It is, and yes they were excluding both of them but in that place he shouldn't have been wondering if his mum was hurting. It is possible to say 'oh we aren't going today, we will do something else instead' instead of 'they haven't even invited us I feel so upset'. He can know that they haven't invited them all, but not that his mum is sad iyswim. Parents should manage their own emotions, so they kids don't feel responsible for them.

Ah, that makes more sense 😊

The thing is, it seems A is just getting warmed up, so maybe OP was wanting to give DS the heads-up, so it doesn't come as too much of a shock, it that makes sense?

A sounds a dick and I wouldn't have anything to do with her again. D not much better, and B and C so pathetic they aren't worth bothering with!!

It does all sound a bit claustrophobic and like a pp says, a breeding ground for toxic bullshit like this. If DH is still friends with them then he should be taking responsibility for DS being included in things, but there’s no point trying to flog a dead horse here. DS will find other friends at school I’m sure

Why aren’t you and DH getting on? Unconnected to this or because of A/her DH?

You should let your DH cut off contact too, because what they're now doing to your DS is spiteful and him remaining friends with Husband A means he's inadvertently facilitating their treatment of your DS. But before he does tell them to go fuck themselves, DH should explain to Husband A exactly what a witch she is and how she and the rest of them should be ashamed your son is being so horribly excluded. It's like collective bullying, with adults doing the worst of it.

As for stopping yourself obsessing about it, that will take time. We had a big fall out with some friends that meant we withdrew (our choice) from a particular social circle and seven years on it still rankles sometimes. But we don't run into them at all now and have made new friends we value far more, as you will too one day.

@starlightafar yup you are absolutely right and its sound advice. Ditto my DS shouldn't know enough to ask if I'm sad. I did try and keep it from him but as you said too entwined for any clean kind of a break. Plus teenagers aren't daft. A very succinct sum up of the current situation lol

Also "B puts up with it because the good outweighs the bad"... At some point that pendulum will swing the other way and A will be knocked off her perch. It'll happen.

Just to clarify I didn't say to DS I was upset he asked me as he isn't daft. I said I wasn't bothered And I don't like rugby and that he shouldn't worry. I never say to him I feel hurt I always make an excuse . Maybe it's better I have a frank conversation along the lines of I'm ok sometimes people don't get on etc etc it's kind of rankled more as the friend E who dips in and out now since this blanket exclusion seems to be hanging out all the time you start feeling gawd it must be me . I think DH and I have problems anyway but this hasn't helped. He never really liked these guys too aspirational too much boozing . We are so well rid I have been ready to walk away for at least a year. Lesson learned is not to get into anymore suffocating groups .

Thank you @whatwouldoliviapopedo it's good to hear people say it's happened it's shit but things have worked out just fine in time. 😬

I wasnt criticising op. I think they are shits. Hopefully you can see how entwined you all were and find different friends-this is a good think. Re ds what i meant was that nobody should be dependent on others wanting or not wanting them. Not that you did anything wrong. This will be good for both of you. See it as a blessing and hope all goes well xxx

No I know that @starlightafar I appreciate you responding and giving me somewhere to vent . I think you are just being frank and that's just what I need. I just didn't want anyone to think I was using DS as an emotional crutch I very much don't want him to know just how upset I am and to shield him. That's why I encouraged DH friendship as they can take boys to Footie etc. Plus he sees them all 3 times a week as kids all play in same Footie team have done for years. I've stopped going too horrible.

I did have to wean myself off social media at the beginning though, OP. It was too hurtful to see all the group gatherings that we weren't part of. Now I couldn't give a shit and gloss over them - it feels like a lifetime ago. So maybe unfollow for the time being if you don't want to unfriend, just to give your head a break from it.

But do let your DH pull away from the group too, if that's what he wants.

@ChickenMom

Bloody brilliant ideas!

And if they don't work @TITANIUMPINS i, I would simply move on. DS and DH can continue with their friends who are linked to A and you make new friends. Or at least fake it til you make it.

Isn't social media a bitch glad it wasn't around when I was growing up. It's so tempting to torture yourself with it. I know some time from now I'll be kicking myself for this angst . DS is fairly popular but as I said rather than branch out at school they have all stuck together I think as the most of other kids aren't local. This is my main worry.

@chickenmom is someone you we want to have your back lol

We = would

The children are thirteen, they can meet on their own, it doesn’t need to be always in full family events.

I would avoid them like the plague, would be happy for my husband to keep meeting with the other husbands but not in whole family events where I am the only one excluded.

It may be better, in the long term, for you all to step away slowly from this group. At the end of the day, how is that going to affect you as a couple if your husband is having fun with people who is mean to you?

I would encourage your DH to take your son to any of the social things and keep well away from them f I were you. I know how you feel and it’s horrible. I agree with a previous poster who mistrusts circle of friends. I do too but largely from teenage experience and their power to exclude / ostracise members of the group. Hard as it is I would try not to think about it. But allow your child to maintain his own friendships - hopefully enabled by your DH doing the dropping etc

Yes that's the only option I just got sucked in by A then ditched for D . My DH doesn't like big social events he goes to kids Footie games and him and As DH play sport and the odd other night with A DH. I don't think he wd have gone to watch the rugby as I was excluded but he was away any ways so couldn't go.

Don’t excuse their behaviour by thinking it’s trivial. It’s not. It’s bullying of the worst kind. When it happens at school, the teachers sort it out. Who tells them off in this situation? They just get away with horrific behaviour. In my case, I’d even introduced them all! I got totally Wendied. Did not see it coming and it’s masdiveky affected my mental health and social life and confidence. I went dark. Blocked them all on social media (after having my say and putting the record straight) but I cut them all out. I decided it was just too painful and the rot had been setting in for much longer than I was aware of it so I was at a massive disadvantage to be able to ‘win’ in my situation. It was awful and I needed counselling to cope. I’ve never ever dealt with anything like it. I’ve always done well with friends and this experience knocked me for 6. I cut them all off and many months later I saw one of them out and about and luckily I was with another friend having a great laugh. I acted like I didn’t even know her and carried on enjoying my other friends company. I’m mostly over it now but it’s taught me valuable lessons. I would never ever introduce friends to each other and instigate social stuff to facilitate their friendship. From now on, people are my friends but I’m not a friendship dating service.

Ostracising / excluding is definitely a form of bullying and it happens in all stages of life. Including among men and in the workplace. It’s absolutely awful and can totally destroy a person’s confidence. The best thing to do is try and put your eggs in many baskets - have friends and social interactions in lots of different areas of life. And hope for the best in the workplace. I’m not sure you can really guard against it always.

@chickenmom I hate that this happened to you to but I thank you for sharing. I know exactly how you feel it effects everything and like you I have always done well with friends so it's all been a bit of a shock. You must feel doubly betrayed that you introduced them all. I too feel so stupid I let the bullying take place it turned me into a under confident mess which isn't me at all. You get labelled as paranoid and they know you can't share the texts etc without sounding poisonous yourself. We can only hope karma does come round. Adult bullying is defo a thing. I do think A has low self esteem maybe she saw me as a threat just some of the things she said just sounded like jealousy. Although there's nothing in particular about me or my life to be jealous of.

@chickenmom did you confide in your other friends ? I feel a bit embarrassed that people might judge me no smoke and all that. I think D did her fair share of poisoning the well . She needed some new friends for her DS (and for hersel )he was never part of the kids friendship group and tended to hang out with other kids . Nice kids but not who D would find suitable as they not from middle class backgrounds. Her DS is a lovely wee chap so I think it's nice that he does hang out. However it's A that's the real back stabbing Bitch regardless of other parts played she clearly the queen b .