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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

ADVICE or THOUGHTS ON ADULT FRIEND GROUP ISSUE

105 replies

TITANIUMPINS · 25/02/2018 09:53

So wondered if anyone had any words of wisdom to help me put this to bed. I have (had) a circle of friends, we all meet regularly, husbands are friends and the kids have all been friends since P1 they are now 13.
So Friend A was who i became friendly with and she introduced me to here good friend B and her sister C. About 2 years ago another girl was introduced to the group and from then on really it was all about D and that was hurtful at first but I got on with the others and didnt want to rock the boat.

Over the last year friend A has really been bullying me: snide texts, rolling eyes with friend D, the butt of the jokes under the guise of friendship, excluding me on occasion and not responding on group chats etc. Putting down any achievements and generally not being very nice. One example would be when friend A&D both had a go at me for dropping nail polish on the floor of a pub (I was picking at it).
So obviously I dont want to hang out with her or D again.

It is so difficult though as my DH is very good friends with friend As husband and all the kids of the entire group are big friends too.

This is where I wonder if you have anything to help now that its become apparent that FRIEND A and I are not gong to be friendly friend B& sister C now no longer keep in contact they are freindly if I contact them but thats it. Seems our friendship was only based on being pals with A. We have hung out for 5 years and I feel really hurt.

I feel for my DS too as this is his friendship group too. All my group of so called friends met up yesterday to watch rugby with their families and my son asked to be dropped off so he could hang out with his friends. He asked if i was sad that I wasn't invited and I said no and I said are you sad and he said yes. When i dropped him off i bumped into sister C and her family and she was friendly but it was very awkward.

Why would other friends only be your friend if you are friends with one person and why have they effectively condoned A's behaviour.

this is what keeps running through my head WHY and I suppose if it wasn't for it effecting DS I might not be as bothered :-(

OP posts:
Certcert · 03/03/2018 22:14

TITANIUMPINS. I do feel for you son. But it will get better.

Reassure him that it's nothing either of you have done. And that there are some people out there who enjoy making other people unhappy (or is that a step too far?).

As for A. I just cannot fathom that mindset, but then I'm pleased I can't, as it means I'm nothing like them.

Certcert · 03/03/2018 22:15

What a bitch. I hope karma bites her up the arse

Me, too!

Original poster
TITANIUMPINS · 03/03/2018 22:30

Yeah thanks @certcert I can't either . I had a gin night and invited another friend not in this crowd or school as she was having a hard time. She said she felt the way friend A spike to me was absolutely terrible and she couldn't understand why noise said anything. She was sober everyone else drinking and she didn't mention till this fallout .

Newcomer D needed a new best friend her best pal dumped her she didn't know why then her DS other friends ditched her due to a clique end of primary non invite thing lucky for them they all, went to another school catchement. I'm under no illusion here there was always a guest list it wasn't nice I was already distancing myself . It's the DS thing I worry worry worry .....

OP posts:
Original poster
TITANIUMPINS · 03/03/2018 22:31

@certcert I've kind of been saying it's silly woman's stuff and nothing to do with dad and the boys sexist I know but an easier pill to swallow ??

OP posts:
Original poster
TITANIUMPINS · 03/03/2018 22:39

I maybe should say too that I have friends from school, uni , nursery and other life moments that have endured it's just this school mum clique. I should have known when the bonding meant bitching about other good friends but I was flattered to be wooed it was very full on . You live and learn I guess !! I'm sure it will end badly for friend D too as actually friend A no longer likes the woman who they were so close to but moved away. We kund of took her place as friend D is with us .

OP posts:
Certcert · 03/03/2018 22:43

I should have known when the bonding meant bitching

This. It is ALWAYS this!

Certcert · 03/03/2018 22:44

It's good that you have support, op. But it is an awful situation. Time will change things, though; lessen the pain Smile

Original poster
TITANIUMPINS · 03/03/2018 22:52

Hey thanks @certcert it's just good to vent and when you hear someone like @cafenoirbiscuit has come out the other side even her DS too it helps !! Now shall I go let he tyres down or what lol !?!?!

I just need a bolster sometimes I think it's better from strangers as they have no vested interest if that makes sense ?

I'd live karma to bite 😜

OP posts:
Original poster
TITANIUMPINS · 03/03/2018 22:55

And of course your sharing too @certcert !!! Few Vinod in here !

OP posts:
Certcert · 03/03/2018 22:59

Yes, it's good to vent. Just remember you didn't cause any if this! 😊

Certcert · 03/03/2018 23:01

'Karma will bite, but it won't be in the form of teeth' ~ certcert 2018

Grin
Original poster
TITANIUMPINS · 03/03/2018 23:04

And while I'm venting we used to have a big New Years party the clique but also our other friends . dh put a stop to it as friend A was putting pressure on me to invite her friends for eg friend D and others we barely know .I welcomed new friend D but not my friends think A was off as I'd invited my friend at last minute as she was needing some moral support hence he talking down to me. Also always awkward when my other friends joined club not much welcome grrr defo a few vines in now in rant mode 😀

D in but my frien

OP posts:
Original poster
TITANIUMPINS · 03/03/2018 23:06

@certcert as you say I can sit back and watc ph the implosion might not be this year but next for sure A&D have form and the others just sheep I guess :-(

OP posts:
Certcert · 03/03/2018 23:07

So A tried to stop you seeing your other friends at your own NYE party? Hmm

She sounds vile.

AdiosPeaceOfRoast · 03/03/2018 23:08

Hmm, bitches.

I’d be tempted, while reminding myself that I’m well rid, to have DH say to one of the other husbands ‘DW was sad but relieved really, after she found out about friend A’s past, she wouldn’t have ended the friendship herself as she’s too nice, but..’

Certcert · 03/03/2018 23:08

It will happen, OP; tomorrow, next week, next year, decade...I'm thinking quite soon as surely the sheep will become 'unblinkered'?

UndomesticHousewife · 03/03/2018 23:19

I’m sorry you’re in this situation it really is crap but these people sound vile and you’re well rid of them.

But how on earth can your dh be around them I get that he’s friends with A’s dh and it’s not his fault his wife’s a total bitch but this is affecting your son too so he really needs to stand up and support you. It would look like they can test you anyway they like and your dh just goes along with it.
A needs to learn that her actions have consequences and that includes your husband.

UndomesticHousewife · 03/03/2018 23:20

Treat you not test you

Original poster
TITANIUMPINS · 04/03/2018 07:07

DH would be happy to cut all contact I wanted him to maintain it for our DS. If DS falls out with the kids it would be awful. They are actually a lovely bunch of kids. What I find so hurtful instead of maybe saying to A you should sort this out there just seems to have been a collective decision that I'm out. I think that's what really hurts . DH wasn't invited to their house last night. A husband invites him if it's at the club or whatever.

I would have been quite happy given the horrible dynamic to take a huge step back and go sometimes to larger group things . Now I can't go and worse am not included anyway.

They are good fun if you not on the receiving end. A is very popular but they haven't had the snide texts , etc etc apart from her pal B she kicked her one time when she was really low . But B said good outweighs the bad . That's when I was still hearing from other friends.

I could never do this to another person. To be fair though at school gates I think they were that 'clique ' esp once D got involved. How I wish they had gone to another high school !!! Then I cd have just disengaged .

Thanks guys I need to somehow stop thinking about it am driving myself mad ! What I'm thinking now is maybe the others didn't like me either but they seemed to ?

OP posts:
Galaxyfarfaraway · 04/03/2018 07:24

It's not that they didn't like you, I'm sure they dI'd. They are just wimps and are too scared to say anything in case they are ostracised too.
You sound lovely. Go out with your family today and do something fun so your DS can say he had a wicked weekend too, when they start mentioning getting together over the weekend.

Original poster
TITANIUMPINS · 04/03/2018 08:13

@galaxyfarfaraway thank you that's a really good idea . I'm sitting stressing early on a Sunday morning and the gang probably haven't given us second thought ! As I said tho if it wasn't for DS I would be well over this. Some of these woman are 50 or
late 40s you would think that as adults this kind of thing wouldn't go on. But clearly happened to @certcert and @cafenoirbiscuit too so not a weird isolated .incident .

OP posts:
Original poster
TITANIUMPINS · 04/03/2018 08:16

How do you stop running things over and over ughhhh

OP posts:
starlightafar · 04/03/2018 08:19

FFS. I don't understand why grown adults behave like this.
Look, it is obvious none of them can be arsed with you. A and D are dickheads, B and C weak and indifferent.
Find some clubs for your DS to join to make new friends. Join a hobby to meet other women.
Your son shouldn't have known enough to be able to comment on why you are excluded, certainly not to the point of asking if you're sad. He shouldn't be worrying about you. I had a friend do similar, but just said that we now prefer different things. No questions asked, just accepted as a child does.
I know you are hurting but it really isn't worth it. Yes stabbed in the back. But you just need to forget it and move on. They wont change so you need to. Move on, find other friends for you all. It sounds like as a friendship group you were all heavily reliant on each other as a group. That isn't healthy IMO. And find a friend who isn't part of another group.

Original poster
TITANIUMPINS · 04/03/2018 08:20

Also to compound things DH and I are not getting on at all but that's a whole new thread. Funny how things all come at once. Although of course other people have far mor serious things to deal with so this is trivial in comparison !

OP posts:
starlightafar · 04/03/2018 08:22

Just read the comments about the receiving end.
They had shown themselves to be bitches when you were with them. So it really isn't surprising that they are still bitches. You only realise how hurtful they can be now it's you. Let it be a lesson to you for the future and don't get close to people who constantly slag other people off.
You are lucky. You have DH. I'd ask him to withdraw personally, that is supporting his wife and it would stop your angst over what they're doing and when. Really, you haven't lost much and in time you will see it. Sounds like your whole life revolved around them. x

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