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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why am I feeling this hurt over a guy I barely know?

132 replies

SassyS89 · 24/02/2018 15:39

Just this really. I met a guy a couple of weeks ago on POF. We seemed to have very good convo which naturally flowed. We both said we wanted to settle down and was basically looking for a life partner. We exchanged numbers and spoke on whatsapp very often. We spoke on the phone and video chat and we just seemed to have a strong connection. This was confirmed when we met in person. We went on two dates, both of which went very well and felt like we had known each other for ages. We had a lot of fun and lots of banter. I genuinely felt like I hadn't had an instant connection with anyone the way I had with him.

He looked in my eyes and told me that he only wanted to get to know me (he was also talking to 2 other women on POF) and said that he could see us being together in the future and claimed that he was no longer talking to the other women. We ended up sleeping together on the second date. Everything seemed fine the next day and left each other voice notes saying how we really enjoyed the weekend and how we would not want anything to mess up the connection we had.

On Monday I left him a voice note asking if he wanted to go cinema over the weekend. Later on that same day I sent him a message about general stuff. He listened to the voice note and read the messages but not replied. I questioned it to myself but as he was at work I just assumed he was busy. Cut a long story short he has been ignoring my messages and phone calls ever since.

I hardly know this guy but I feel extremely hurt. I think it was evil of him to look me in my eyes and feed me a whole lot of bullshit just to sleep with me when he could have got it from someone else who was specifically after that. He will not give me an explanation as to why he has been ignoring me out of the blue. He does a radio show on weekends and when listening today he mentioned that he went and saw the film that I asked him if he wanted to go and see with me. This really hit a nerve.

He was obviously just after sex but I don't understand why this is affecting me a lot more than it should. Especially when I barely know this guy! Someone please put some sense into me!

OP posts:
PrizeOik · 26/02/2018 23:48

Right so if you get an illness from something you do for pleasure , then that's immoral. Do I have that right?

If you get an illness from a job, that's different?

Right...

I know you didn't say sex is dirty- I was encouraging you to follow your arguments to their natural conclusions, and just say what you mean.

FuckItPassMeTheWine · 26/02/2018 23:49

@littlepill that's because the poster is a woman so I've relayed findings that are linked to this issue , if it were a man posting I would have focused on the woman's behaviour regarding promiscuous behaviour in men

PrizeOik · 26/02/2018 23:50

If casual sex is wrong because you might catch a disease from it - then nursing is wrong because you might catch a disease from it. No?

If nursing is ok because it's an occupation, not something you do for fun - does that follow that it's ok to be a prostitute, but not to have casual sex?

Just trying to work out where the logic starts and ends...

FuckItPassMeTheWine · 26/02/2018 23:54

@prozeoik teaching and nursing is something that is done for the greater good of humanity , to help your fellow human.,,,,, having strings of sexual partners is not anything other than irresponsible and not adding anything to the human race apart from additional diesease and misery.

FuckItPassMeTheWine · 26/02/2018 23:55

@littlepill and it's really easy to figure out where the logic starts and ends , you just use this thing called a moral compass Wink

FuckItPassMeTheWine · 26/02/2018 23:58

@littlepill and do you really believe that casual sex is okay? Do you have children ? Would you want them to be having lots of casual sex? I know I really wouldn't and would try to educate them enough against it.

PrizeOik · 27/02/2018 00:05

Cruel and unethical teachers and nurses visit enormous misery on this Earth. Kind ones bring gladness.

Cruel and unethical people who enjoy sex in short relationships - same.

I have DC and I teach them that any sex they have is morally neutral - provided they are kind and ethical in all their interaction.

The actual problem op has wouldn't be solved by not having sex on a second date. It would be solved by people being kind and ethical in their interactions - including their interactions with themselves.

I also note you conflate "having casual sex" with "having a string of sexual partners". You do know those two things are different, don't you?

Your arguments are poor. You don't have any data you speak of a moral compass but have no logical measurements against which you could calibrate that compass.

That's also a symptom of religious extremism... "I feel like it's true so it must be"

I encourage you to look more closely at your beliefs. You're going to bring more misery into the world if you don't. Ones morals have to withstand logical interrogation... Unless one would prefer to be an extremist

littlepill · 27/02/2018 00:12

Just to answer your question, FuckIt, I encourage my children to have a good sexual knowledge and, like the PP, to be kind and respectful interactions. Having casual sex doesn’t mean acting like an idiot.

FuckItPassMeTheWine · 27/02/2018 00:14

@littlepill so let me get this straight , you're saying that i should go out and get fucked by as many men as possible and that is going to reduce the amount of misery in this world ? Hmm and decrease misogynistic behaviour Hmm

You are off your rocker . We are clearly not going to agree on this one sadly .
My views are not extreme & are based on the sceientific data that has been obtained over decades (in relation to the spreading of sti's and heightened unplanned pregnancies and the effects this then has on the child itself) .

Bye @littlepill, I don't think it's worth either of our time arguing this one out.

PrizeOik · 27/02/2018 00:34

i should go out and get fucked by as many men as possible

Haha oh god. My dear! You must learn to read... All that's being suggested is that being promiscuous (whatever that even means...) may not be a moral failing... But by all go and "get fucked" by whoever you need to for your research!

Diseases can be healed or at worst managed.
Pregnancies can be prevented or at worst terminated.
Both risks are absolutely tiny at present, provided you make ethical choices in contraception.
Your arguments are tenuous at the very best. your interpretation of data can't even really be called interpretation...

You are right to flounce from this discussion. You aren't good at arguing a point and you're frustrating yourself.

FuckItPassMeTheWine · 27/02/2018 00:42

@littlepill so cervical cancer can be cured? No not fully. And abortions can have long lasting negative impacts on a woman so again you're incorrect and like to gloss over all the important areas like it's nothing .

So my dear , let me ask you , are you dating ? Getting ghosted are you after sex? I searched you and that's what came up, Guess all this sleeping around isn't doing you no favours is it if you're having to get continual support for NC . I'd think about my dating approach if I were you , like the OP needs to . You're not in any position to give advice really.

littlepill · 27/02/2018 00:52
  1. I am not your dear
  2. You are getting us posters mixed up
  3. I thought you said goodbye?

Possibly the only time I wish I were ghosted!

LesisMiserable · 27/02/2018 08:08

Wow. When a 'moral compass' is used as weapon. Very organised religion.

Promiscuity is the least of your concerns when your 'morality' is displayed so viciously. How does your moral compass sit with being a judgemental zealot?

springydaff · 27/02/2018 08:27

I know you didn't say sex is dirty- I was encouraging you to follow your arguments to their natural conclusions, and just say what you mean.

Patronising much Hmm

Bixg · 28/02/2018 12:17

Well I've had sex on the first night plenty of times. Some of those lucky guys went on to be long term partners, some didnt pursue me and some I didn't pursue. I've also 'played' it and waited like a good girl and the sex was crap so didnt carry on the relationship. I'm still friends with 4 of my first nighters, so its possible to judge a person well before ravishing them...

user1490465531 · 28/02/2018 14:08

But if you wait ages to sleep with them and there is zero sexual chemistry you might be annoyed to of waited so long to find out that potentially there is no hope for the relationship.
Also if you then find out the man has a really small penis would you be more disappointed if you waited a long time to find out.

demirose87 · 28/02/2018 16:02

I do think if you have sex straight away it gives out the impression that thats all you're after. However I slept with my partner the first time we met, and we're still going strong. We're engaged and have a baby. Sometimes passion just takes over.

Josuk · 01/03/2018 15:10

Can’t believe that in this days&age women still discuss when to have sex, what date, etc.

It’s all totally irrelevant. If it feels right - and people fit together - it makes no difference.
And if the guy goes for it - and judges the woman for that afterwards - it says loads about him.

Plus - to the whoever poster uptread... Casual sex is totally fine - any sex that is consensual among adults is totally fine. And can be great even...
😊😊😊

snewsname · 01/03/2018 15:19

You've lost the hope of what might have been, with a guy you actually fancy. Now you know he's not the man you thought he was but it still hurts to let go of the fantasy.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 01/03/2018 15:25

Never mind Sassy, you'll soon get over him, but be warned, men like him often come back for a second helping, when they feel like it !
My advice, don't stop dating, but do block the toe rag.🌸

ferrier · 01/03/2018 15:44

Referring back to a pp, there's no way I would be in an 'official' relationship before shagging the guy!

ThisLittleKitty · 01/03/2018 17:46

It doesn't really matter how many times people say they slept with their bf/husband on the first night and it worked out. Yes it does work out sometimes but more often than not it doesn't. Especially if the man is just looking for sex, and surely it's just nicer to get to know someone abit before sleeping with the anyway.

LesisMiserable · 01/03/2018 19:35

Well to the people who did sleep with their bf/dh on the first date it doesn't really matter that for others it doesn't work out that way because from our experience it did. Proof that it's immaterial when you do it if you meet the right person. That simple really.

FuckItPassMeTheWine · 01/03/2018 22:20

It may have worked out in that one particular instance but if you sleep with every man you meet after 2 dates then that's a pretty risky approach in my opinion . They could have std's , the condom could split resulting in unwanted pregnancy , they could be a physco.

Also if you haven't got the mental toughness to take being ghosted after two dates and sex, then the best thing to do is get to know a person , there is no rush to drop your knickers ffs , if you're looking for a relationship then surely it's about more than sex .

But wanting to wait until you actually care for someone (and they you) is considered an "extremist and judgemental" view these days 😂

ThisLittleKitty · 01/03/2018 23:55

Exactly. I can't understand why people keep promoting casual sex like it's a good thing. The op obviously wasn't looking for causal sex and if she can't handle being ghosted after sleeping which someone she barely knew then causal sex obviously isn't for her. No harm in saying wait abit longer next time.