Why am I feeling this hurt over a guy I barely know?

[SassyS89]

Just this really. I met a guy a couple of weeks ago on POF. We seemed to have very good convo which naturally flowed. We both said we wanted to settle down and was basically looking for a life partner. We exchanged numbers and spoke on whatsapp very often. We spoke on the phone and video chat and we just seemed to have a strong connection. This was confirmed when we met in person. We went on two dates, both of which went very well and felt like we had known each other for ages. We had a lot of fun and lots of banter. I genuinely felt like I hadn't had an instant connection with anyone the way I had with him.

He looked in my eyes and told me that he only wanted to get to know me (he was also talking to 2 other women on POF) and said that he could see us being together in the future and claimed that he was no longer talking to the other women. We ended up sleeping together on the second date. Everything seemed fine the next day and left each other voice notes saying how we really enjoyed the weekend and how we would not want anything to mess up the connection we had.

On Monday I left him a voice note asking if he wanted to go cinema over the weekend. Later on that same day I sent him a message about general stuff. He listened to the voice note and read the messages but not replied. I questioned it to myself but as he was at work I just assumed he was busy. Cut a long story short he has been ignoring my messages and phone calls ever since.

I hardly know this guy but I feel extremely hurt. I think it was evil of him to look me in my eyes and feed me a whole lot of bullshit just to sleep with me when he could have got it from someone else who was specifically after that. He will not give me an explanation as to why he has been ignoring me out of the blue. He does a radio show on weekends and when listening today he mentioned that he went and saw the film that I asked him if he wanted to go and see with me. This really hit a nerve.

He was obviously just after sex but I don't understand why this is affecting me a lot more than it should. Especially when I barely know this guy! Someone please put some sense into me!

I had sex on the first night with my now husband too. Its irrelevant. You're either a good fit or you're not. If you're not, doesn't make the guy a wanker and to suggest every man who calls it is, says more about the women who do that, than the men. To call a man a 'wank stain' just because two dates in he wasnt feeling it is fucking horrible. MN is vile at times.

Well it's not the fact he wasnt feeling it really is it? It's that he has blanked the op ever since. Now that is rude, he's outright ignoring her her could give her abit more respect than that and that fact that he hasn't suggest to me it WAS about the sex. Now that he's got it he is not even interested in interacting with the op. Yes there are people who sleep with people straight away and it works out no denying, all I was pointing out was that if op is looking for more than just sex maybe wait abit longer to suss out if they are just stringing her along for sex or they do really want more otherwise she's going to keep ending up hurt.

What is so wrong with deciding after sex that you dont have the spark?And are you saying if he put that in a text to.OP.she'd feel any better? She'd take it personally either way. The problem isn't the lack of contact. The problem is placing expectations on someone you fundamentally dont know. You do that, its your own doing.

if op is looking for more than just sex maybe wait abit longer to suss out if they are just stringing her along for sex

I really don't think that many people string anyone along "for sex". Honestly it doesn't happen that often.

Women tell themselves complex stories about how men use them for sex etc. etc. all the time, when really what has happened is, the man has had sex and something didn't feel right to him and that causes him to go from very interested to disappointed/disengaged v quickly.

Problem is, our culture typically gives men zero skills in terms of having that very awkward conversation where he'd explain that to the woman.

Added to that, as you can see on this thread, women sometimes go APE SHIT at men who break off relationships because the sex wasn't quite right. They call them every name under sun, and yes, tell the world that the man was "stringing her along for sex".

Why would he put himself through that? It's massively awkward but it's also no-one's fault that is happened, what can be said to make anything better.

The man may as well ghost her because the outcome will be the same, she'll think he's a pig and they'll both move on.

This isn't a new thing. I can remember a man doing something very similar to what the OP describes before I even had a mobile phone. It is awkward and horrible, but IMO the pain is less when (ideally) both parties try to have some compassion for each other -

in this case the guy may have assumed (not unreasonably) that to tell the OP that he was very into her but then the sex didn't feel right would be even more cruel than ghosting her.

And the OP could perhaps try to see that on behalf of the man who's ghosted... and adjust her expectations around sex next time.

This whole "hold out so that you can tell he's not just there for sex" thing is so massively flawed because what if you want 6 months and the sex is STILL not right? Is that not a huge waste of time.

Personally I shag as early as possible because no way am I taking on a crap shag for any longer than I need to.

^ And by crap shag I don't mean the man was actually bad in bed - in my experience it's actually more to do with "did he smell right" (you can smell beautiful, but still not "right"), did I feel the rush of hormones, etc.

In fact my favourite shag ever was technically AWFUL - totally unskilled and quite selfish - when we started together, but he smelled amazing in that animal way, made me feel safe, and I had a huge amount of lust for him. So it worked. Third date

Just because he told you he wants to settle down etc doesn't mean he was lying it just means he, for whatever reason, didn't want to settle down with you. That's not a reflection on you at all it just means you wasn't right for each other.
We are all adults and if we are single we can choose to have sex with who ever we want whenever we want (within reason of course).
May be he just had second thoughts maybe he is just a user but with all due respect you can't blame him for not living up to your expectations. After two dates you don't know jack shit about someone and what makes them tick. If I slept with someone that soon (which I have so no judgement here) I wouldn't immediately start believing everything they said.
I know these things can dent our ego but in the grand scheme of things does he really matter. Try not to let someone who had such little input into your life have such an impact. It really doesn't mean anything either way.
I would suggest not having sex so early on (not because I think it's wrong) but I just generally think if you're feeling a little fragile these kind of things don't help. If he is looking for something more long term then waiting a few dates longer won't hurt and if it doesn't work out then you might not feel so used after, as I think you do now.
I don't believe in trusting people straight away. Life has taught me that my trust is precious and something people have to earn. I don't give it freely. Would you trust someone to look after your home or children so soon, if the answer is no why would you trust them with your body and heart?

Ofcourse the op would prefer a simple "sorry I don't think things are going to work out, but I wish you the best for the future." Ignoring someone is really disrespectful. Him and the op didn't argue or fall out so there really is no need for him to blank her like she's worthless.

(And give over! pof and tinder both have very big reputations for men looking for just sex! So it's perfectly possible that he was just looking for sex and didn't see the point in communicating after, rather than there just wasn't a spark.)

Wake up op this is what a lot of men do ! Don't sleep with a man until he is urtterly in love with you is my advice . Hold out until it's been decided if your relationship is official or not. Chalk it up to experi nice and learn from it xx

I don't think he has gone out with the sole intention of using her for sex then dropping her, but I think he's known early on that he wasn't feeling it and that he wasn't going to see her again, but thought he may as well just get a shag in there if that was on the table. He should have just let her go, without the shag, knowing full well it makes everything ten times worse and she's been used.

You were too easy and that made the shine wear off .

There are scientific reports that indicate a man prefers to be in a relationship with a woman who is not promiscuous , this is due to the man wanting to sage guard his " mate" and not have the risk of raising off spring that isn't his. Thie is biology and genetics . Something that is ingrained within our human make-up.

If a woman sleeps with a man too early it can send the wrong message and cause the man to think that the woman will be promiscuous and therefore he will not pursue her romantically . I know that some people slept with their partners on the first date and have been with them ever since but please understand op that this is rare . Have respect for your body and who you give your emotions too xx

@lesismiserable

Its normal or it should be not to instantly put trust in a stranger. So if your trust issues arise from doing this, you need to stop. No virtual stranger owes anybody anything, least of all trust, after two dates. Trust comes with intimacy and intimacy takes time. Look inwards to solve this. He's not necessarily an arsehole just because he's decided this isn't for him. You have to take some responsibility for putting any kind of trust in this early on - unless you enjoy being perpetually disappointed. Come on OP.

This ^

This man is no more to blame for the situation than the OP, and as the poster above says ^ he owes the OP nothing after 2 dates... If you are going to meet a man off a dating website, and shag him on the second date, I'm sorry, but you should not be surprised and hurt and miffed and slighted, if he never calls you again.

Most men on these sites are just after a fuck. The guy the OP met, has probably fucked a couple more women since she saw him.

No way on God's EARTH would I be dropping my knickers for any man I met on a website in the SECOND DATE. I would be waiting at LEAST 15-20 dates (or 8-10 weeks,) whichever comes first.

Call me stuffy, frigid, stupid, dumb, judgy, whatever. But I would never fuck a man on a second date. Not if I was looking for a relationship.

He would not have been 'reeling you in for months and done the same' OP, as after a couple of weeks of realising you weren't going to fuck him any time soon, he would have buggared off. You would have lost him still, but at least you would still have your dignity.

Of course, you are going to get a few posters saying 'I had sex with a man on the first night I met him, and we have been together 100 years now yada yada,' but the fact is that most of the time, when you shag on the first or second date, it's not going to last, especially as many men are only out for a quick fuck on these sites.

As has been said, many men just want a shag, and won't even remember your name, and many women get emotionally attached instantly.

I am not saying the OP is 'easy' as some have said, and the guy she met is no better or different, but I do think she is very naive if she thinks there is such a massive strong connection after 2 dates, and am gobsmacked that she is surprised that a man off a dating website shagged her on the second date and didn't want to see her again.

As a few posters have said, wait much longer before shagging if you are wanting a relationship.

It's definitely rare no matter how many people come on here saying it worked for them.

Its rare because true sparks are rare, that's why its so bloody hard to find, regardless of whether you shag someone on the first date or tenth...its irrelevant. What matters is your expectations in this case OP. if you want and expect a serious relationship with every man you may ever have sex with, you're going to be disappointed because its not going to happen, regardless of how you meet them.

Totally agreeing with @LesisMiserable. She speaks sense.

What we know about commitment and sex - "In the early 2000s, Illinois State University communications professor Sandra Metts did a study to find out if having an emotional connection - in particular saying "I love you" before having sex - could have a positive impact on the where the relationship went.
Her study of almost 300 college-aged men and women found that it indeed did.
In fact, Metts found, couples that had sex first and said "I love you" after had a negative experience: The introduction of that conversation was often awkward and apologetic."

Basically this study and many others indicate that having built up a long term rapor before having sex creates a better foundation for a relationship. Sorry but it's highly unlikely that this is going to happen in just one / two nights and OP I wouldn't recommend this as a standard approach, yea it may have worked out for a few users on here but it is highrisk, there is the threat of STI's & potentially unwanted pregnancy, finally it just isn't responsible behaviour , the guy could be a nutter /unhinged and want to add you to his corpse collection in the basement , you literally don't know!
There are many reasons for waiting , mainly because you want to get to know someone properly before allowing them to be intimate with you . It makes sense in every way xx

There are scientific reports that indicate a man prefers to be in a relationship with a woman who is not promiscuous , this is due to the man wanting to sage guard his " mate" and not have the risk of raising off spring that isn't his. Thie is biology and genetics . Something that is ingrained within our human make-up.

Lol.

If this is true, all the more reason to shag early so that you can tell the "safeguarders" (BOAK) from the non-misogynists ASAP.

It's worked for me. Who the fuck wants to be with a man who thinks "promiscuity" is somehow a character flaw. Talk about asking for trouble.

@prizeoik promiscuity is a character flaw , I don't see how that view is mysoginystic.

Why would I want to sleep with lots of diffferent men , is that empowering to woman hood in any way? No! In fact I think it's quite the opposite .

Do you also realise that lots of cervical cancers are linked to be caused by skin contact that is not even protected by a condom? These are known as HPV. By increasing the number of sexual partners you have , you in turn increase this risk .

There is also the risk of getting involved with someone you don't truly know and having to pay the price for that later down the road albeit through unplanned pregnancy.

In summary , you're saying that heighting your own risk of obtaining cervical cancer and having an unplanned pregnancy is the way to move forward ? I don't think so!

Sex is serious, there are serious impacts off the back of it such as pregnancy and sti's you can die from ! But many want it treat it like a simple & trivial affair such as adding sugar to ones tea .

Have I been asleep and woken up in 1952? What the fuck am I reading? Are women not allowed to enjoy sex? I didn’t realise it was for male-only enjoyment.

Whatever next? Women not being allowed to work? Because, like, you know, men are biologically primed to go and get food.

Being a teacher exposes you to many infections and diseases. So does being a nurse.

It follows then that teaching and nursing is a character flaw.

Yes?

Lol. @FuckItPassMeTheWine it's ok to think sex is dirty in and of itself - that it's something that has to be controlled somehow through men "safeguarding" women. Just say it out loud. Don't use arguments that make no sense. They make you look silly.

And did the guy not risk STIs in pursuit of his pleasure? Or is it the punishment for enjoying sex female-specific?

Sorry where did I say that sex is dirty? Sex is great when in a meaningful relationship .

I don't agree with one night stands & women or men sleeping around!

In relation to "arguments that make no sense " so we should all just disregard the risks associated with having lots of different sexual partners and fuck away? 😒 BOAK

And in regards to nursing and teaching , it's a job occupation , something that serves a purpose apart from merely "getting ones end away" . 🤦🏻‍♀️

And in regards to your query @littlepill I have already advised that I disagree with causal sex in regards to both sexes , not just women!!

If a woman sleeps with a man too early it can send the wrong message and cause the man to think that the woman will be promiscuous and therefore he will not pursue her romantically

This sounds far more punititive towards women, FuckItPassMeTheWine

@littlepill

Have I been asleep and woken up in 1952? What the fuck am I reading? Are women not allowed to enjoy sex? I didn’t realise it was for male-only enjoyment.

You haven't woken up and ended up in 1952. But you have clearly woken up and posted on the wrong thread. No-one has SAID that women are not allowed to enjoy sex! What on earth are you gabbling on about?

@Fuckmepassmethewine

promiscuity is a character flaw , I don't see how that view is misogynistic. Why would I want to sleep with lots of different men , is that empowering to woman hood in any way? No! In fact I think it's quite the opposite.

Do you also realise that lots of cervical cancers are linked to be caused by skin contact that is not even protected by a condom? These are known as HPV. By increasing the number of sexual partners you have , you in turn increase this risk .

There is also the risk of getting involved with someone you don't truly know and having to pay the price for that later down the road albeit through unplanned pregnancy.

In summary , you're saying that heightening your own risk of obtaining cervical cancer and having an unplanned pregnancy is the way to move forward ? I don't think so!

Sex is serious, there are serious impacts off the back of it such as pregnancy and sti's you can die from ! But many want it treat it like a simple & trivial affair such as adding sugar to ones tea.

Agree with everything you say, and it's all true. But why SHOULDN'T women 'enjoy sex? I mean women should be allowed as much as men to fuck anything that moves, and fuck a different man a night if they want - maybe even 2 or 3 at a time.

Coz men fuck around, and no-one says anything to them. So why shouldn't we do it too, and enjoy it, and swing from the chandeliers and have orgies and go dogging and fuck away like bunnies?! YEAH! Go sisters. We can fuck around as much as men, and damn well enjoy it. And any woman who disagrees is a fucking frigid dried up old prude. We are are feminists hear us roar. RARRRRRR! 🦁

Never mind the serious risks, the diseases, the risk to their welfare and safety, and the potential serious health implications, Doesn't matter as long as they are proving they are as entitled to fuck around as men are.

Jesus wept!