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Original poster

Why am I feeling this hurt over a guy I barely know?

132 replies

SassyS89 · 24/02/2018 15:39

Just this really. I met a guy a couple of weeks ago on POF. We seemed to have very good convo which naturally flowed. We both said we wanted to settle down and was basically looking for a life partner. We exchanged numbers and spoke on whatsapp very often. We spoke on the phone and video chat and we just seemed to have a strong connection. This was confirmed when we met in person. We went on two dates, both of which went very well and felt like we had known each other for ages. We had a lot of fun and lots of banter. I genuinely felt like I hadn't had an instant connection with anyone the way I had with him.

He looked in my eyes and told me that he only wanted to get to know me (he was also talking to 2 other women on POF) and said that he could see us being together in the future and claimed that he was no longer talking to the other women. We ended up sleeping together on the second date. Everything seemed fine the next day and left each other voice notes saying how we really enjoyed the weekend and how we would not want anything to mess up the connection we had.

On Monday I left him a voice note asking if he wanted to go cinema over the weekend. Later on that same day I sent him a message about general stuff. He listened to the voice note and read the messages but not replied. I questioned it to myself but as he was at work I just assumed he was busy. Cut a long story short he has been ignoring my messages and phone calls ever since.

I hardly know this guy but I feel extremely hurt. I think it was evil of him to look me in my eyes and feed me a whole lot of bullshit just to sleep with me when he could have got it from someone else who was specifically after that. He will not give me an explanation as to why he has been ignoring me out of the blue. He does a radio show on weekends and when listening today he mentioned that he went and saw the film that I asked him if he wanted to go and see with me. This really hit a nerve.

He was obviously just after sex but I don't understand why this is affecting me a lot more than it should. Especially when I barely know this guy! Someone please put some sense into me!

OP posts:
Timefortea99 · 24/02/2018 23:00

He's a scumbag. You are not. Get off that site.

FreeNiki · 24/02/2018 23:06

Sometimes it's the short lived ones that hurt the most.

With a long relationship we know all the reasons why it didn't work out.

With the short ones it hurts they didnt give us a chance.

LesisMiserable · 24/02/2018 23:15

Its normal or it should be not to instantly put trust in a stranger. So if your trust issues arise from doing this, you need to stop. No virtual stranger owes anybody anything, least of all trust, after two dates. Trust comes with intimacy and intimacy takes time. Look inwards to solve this. He's not necessarily an arsehole just because he's decided this isn't for him. You have to take some responsibility for putting any kind of trust in this early on - unless you enjoy being perpetually disappointed. Come on OP.

ThisLittleKitty · 24/02/2018 23:20

I don't get how you would take someone who is basically a stranger saying they see a future with you after only one meeting, he must have said it the first time then you slept with him the second time? There's lots of men online who are just looking for sex and they will say whatever it takes to get it.

Whatsupp672 · 24/02/2018 23:23

Man talks shit to her woman into bed. This has been happening since Adam was around. Don’t believe the bullshit.

Grunkle · 25/02/2018 01:23

How is it rubbing salt in any wound? Sometimes folk just don't feel a spark once they're in bed. It's happened to me, with a lovely lovely man who was absolutely gorgeous and did nothing wrong.

I just get a bit tired of the whole oh, men just use women for sex thing. I think it's just more likely that men aren't as quick to try to "work on" sexual incompatibility... If they have sex and it doesn't feel quite right, they move on. Usually saying nothing to the woman... Because he knows he's going to get accused of being a shit

demirose87 · 25/02/2018 01:42

I had almost a mirror experience of this on POF. In the end I gave up trying to work out why he did what he did and put it down to him being a liar and a user. I genuinely felt devastated over it( it was a long story) but eventually I put him out my mind, six months later met my fiance also on POF and we have a baby together.
Put him out your mind and get back into dating, but also don't give too much away too soon. Hold back a bit to prevent yourself being hurt again.

doesthislookoddtoyou · 25/02/2018 01:46

You feel stupid, thats the real issue. Because you didn't make great choices and you feel conned.
Learn from it, move on.

GameChanger01 · 25/02/2018 01:59

After sex we release hormones that create attachment feelings for our partner- women release more and for longer roughly 2 weeks whereas men 48 hours.

Men tend to withdraw after sex women the opposite. It's not that he is sexually not attracted as he wouldn't have gone there but simply biology. Men want to spread their seed and only if in his mind he feels that he wants a relationship will he put the effort in but that can't be with every woman he sleeps with I guess.

This is why OLD works for men literally too much available good women for potential sex. Only if they feel strongly about anyone in particular will they actually bother for a relationship. Men can calmly walk away after sex.

Pinkbedsheets · 25/02/2018 02:30

What a scumbag. Yes he doesn’t owe OP nothing but it is vile to sell someone dreams to get them in the bed. What could OP have done differently? He could of had sex with her on the 10th date and still done the same thing. It’s fair enough if he changed his mind but not letting OP know is out of order. He’s a dick. Oh. And stop listening to his radio station.

Original poster
SassyS89 · 25/02/2018 08:12

He told me that he was ready to settle down with someone from when we first started talking so I thought we were on the same page from the get go. Yes I admit I did sleep with him quickly but he could have been reeling me in for months and I still would have been in the same situation. Men do talk women into bed but what I'm having a hard time accepting is why go through such lengths to do that when there are women who are OLD specifically for that and they will say that's what they are looking for

OP posts:
BlondeB83 · 25/02/2018 08:24

Just put it down to experience, you weren’t as compatible as you thought but you got a shag out of it and now move on. No point mourning the loss of something you never had.

MrsJoshDun · 25/02/2018 08:33

Men will say what they think you want to hear to get you into bed. Men who talk about wanting to settle down so quickly 99.9% are bullshitting.

DatingLife · 25/02/2018 11:33

This is why OLD works for men literally too much available good women for potential sex

Agree. I think women are at a disadvantage. I have a couple of friends who have been quite hurt by it, and I myself have.

Therefore I think its best for women not take anything too seriously. Until and if it becomes so. It is better to try and keep dating/meeting men as an (enjoyable?!) option in life and this keep things in perspective.

doesthislookoddtoyou · 25/02/2018 11:57

maybe he meant it but didn't think the sex was very good so realised you weren't suited afterwards?

ThisLittleKitty · 25/02/2018 12:19

Well maybe he fancied getting his leg over with you, yes there are woman who put that they just wants sex but obviously he fancied the look of you and he didn't have to work very hard. Yes he could try for months but most men won't bother if you aren't giving it up obviously your more likely to meet men who just want a quick shag if you are giving it up so easy.

crunchtime · 25/02/2018 12:26

maybe wait longer than two dates before you have sex next time?

What happened to getting to know people before having sex?

NurseButtercup · 25/02/2018 12:32

He's just another nobhead on POF!

Try not to beat yourself up, dust yourself off and keep moving.

NEXT

If it makes you feel any better, I was supposed to go on a date last night with a dickhead I met on POF (we've been chatting for about 6 weeks). The bastard stood me up, he even checked in with me earlier during the day to make sure I was still coming.

I'm more annoyed that I looked so amazing and all the effort I made went to waste. I didn't eat any wheat based products for an entire week to reduce having a bloated stomach so I could get into my outfit. I did my hair and makeup painted my toenails, put on a tight dress, wore spanx underneath my dress, put on heels and ended up in a McDonalds drive thru.

I'm laughing about it now but last night I was fuming.

Grin
Bluebelle38 · 25/02/2018 12:33

It's not him, it's what he represented: a future with someone. I met my current partner at 41 and was single a good while. I experienced something as you describe. I realised so had to be happy on my own before I looked at a relationship. Would you consider counselling to talk about how you are feeling. Loneliness is a common feeling for single people. This will pass x

ThisLittleKitty · 25/02/2018 12:36

A future with someone you met once before?! Jeez how can a guy you met once represent a future. He lied to get you into bed nothing new there, maybe he didn't go with the other women because he fancied a "challenge" (not that there was much of one mind.)

Original poster
SassyS89 · 25/02/2018 12:50

Bluebelle I think you've hit the nail on the head. I haven't been in a LTR or dated much since splitting with my children's father a few years back but feel like I am ready for a future with someone. Then again saying that, I don't know if it's just companionship I'm seeking because I am lonely - I'm not really sure. Most of the guys I have dated have turned out to be losers whether I have slept with them or not. It just seems to be an ongoing cycle with me. I don't really know how and where to meet new people.

OP posts:
Original poster
SassyS89 · 25/02/2018 12:52

And for those saying that maybe he realised we wasn't sexually compatible - we slept together twice that night so surely if he didn't enjoy it the first time he wouldn't have done it again?

OP posts:
doesthislookoddtoyou · 25/02/2018 12:53

Um, no. that doesn't follow.

Bixg · 25/02/2018 13:00

Bit catty kitty!?

op I've just started OLD on Bumble and reading other people's experiences on MN is invaluable. I'm a lot more cautious than most people so am only speaking to one 'normal' I hope person atm. I might actuall go on a date by Christmas!

see it as a very valuable lesson and thank you for sharing as your experience will help OLD newbies like myself Flowers

Ryder63 · 25/02/2018 13:05

I think being lonely in general can make people too anxious too soon to connect. as PP have said - this kind of experience is all too common on dating sites. No reflection on you, OP. A learning experience, that's all! onwards and upwards!