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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why am I feeling this hurt over a guy I barely know?

132 replies

SassyS89 · 24/02/2018 15:39

Just this really. I met a guy a couple of weeks ago on POF. We seemed to have very good convo which naturally flowed. We both said we wanted to settle down and was basically looking for a life partner. We exchanged numbers and spoke on whatsapp very often. We spoke on the phone and video chat and we just seemed to have a strong connection. This was confirmed when we met in person. We went on two dates, both of which went very well and felt like we had known each other for ages. We had a lot of fun and lots of banter. I genuinely felt like I hadn't had an instant connection with anyone the way I had with him.

He looked in my eyes and told me that he only wanted to get to know me (he was also talking to 2 other women on POF) and said that he could see us being together in the future and claimed that he was no longer talking to the other women. We ended up sleeping together on the second date. Everything seemed fine the next day and left each other voice notes saying how we really enjoyed the weekend and how we would not want anything to mess up the connection we had.

On Monday I left him a voice note asking if he wanted to go cinema over the weekend. Later on that same day I sent him a message about general stuff. He listened to the voice note and read the messages but not replied. I questioned it to myself but as he was at work I just assumed he was busy. Cut a long story short he has been ignoring my messages and phone calls ever since.

I hardly know this guy but I feel extremely hurt. I think it was evil of him to look me in my eyes and feed me a whole lot of bullshit just to sleep with me when he could have got it from someone else who was specifically after that. He will not give me an explanation as to why he has been ignoring me out of the blue. He does a radio show on weekends and when listening today he mentioned that he went and saw the film that I asked him if he wanted to go and see with me. This really hit a nerve.

He was obviously just after sex but I don't understand why this is affecting me a lot more than it should. Especially when I barely know this guy! Someone please put some sense into me!

OP posts:
ThisLittleKitty · 25/02/2018 13:08

He might have slept with you twice in one night, because you was there and it was available. But he's blanked you since.

springydaff · 25/02/2018 13:10

ffs. What is WRONG with people who feel it is appropriate to suggest the dickhead man shagged op and went off her because of the sex.

WTF is wrong with you to say stuff like that?? It is unbelievably tactless.

MrsJoshDun · 25/02/2018 13:16

I really don’t think it would be about not great sex. A genuine bloke even if the sex wasn’t brilliant the first time would recognise that sometimes first sex is a bit awkward, that you grow together in bed, etc.

Blokes dump women in this scenario because they don’t want a relationship and are off looking for the next shag.

Bluebelle38 · 25/02/2018 13:17

If you have a history of being with oses, it could be that your need to have a partner is making you ignore the red flags. I too dated a string of guys that could be termed losers, but I had to accept I was the common denominator. I was going out with the men that secure, confident women wouldn't touch with a barge poll. These relationships were usually fraught with pain/drama/cheating.

Meeting the right person (and there is more than just one person we can be happy with) takes time.

What are your hobbies? Get involved in things where you will make new friends and widen your social circle. You may well meet someone through a new friend.

It's hard when you see everyone in couples. But for me the wait was worth it. I personally decided to stay single for as long as it took till I raised my self esteem (through being single, not looking for anyone and realising my life can be happy without a man). Once I did this, I was no longer attracted to the losers and stayed single till I met someone that is truly lovely and a good match for me.

Live your life, enjoy it, don't waste years waiting for someone to make your life for you x

Shockers · 25/02/2018 13:18

I don’t believe it was anything to do with sexual compatibility. Some people play games to boost their egos.

He’s a massive twat ...but there are lots more massive twats out there (of either sex), so hold back on the sex next time, even if you think he might be a keeper.

DatingLife · 25/02/2018 13:26

Thinking ...

I am wondering if all alot of men really do just want a shag and will do it with most women if they find them vaguely attractive - even if they know there is no future in it. Its like they're seeing the "body parts" and act of sex with a woman - I guess each woman is new and interesting physcially in her own way - but have no further thoughts on the matter. I think this objectification has been made worse by the growth of porn Sad. These men really are "led by their dicks" so to speak. Then they realise its not a "match" and have to make a hasty retreat.

Meanwhile the woman is already forming some kind of relationship in her mind, even if he's not really suitable ... Sometimes he is suitable of course and that rejection is even sadder. But I would say both are painful when they finally happen. Perhaps if he's not truly suitable and is in fact unworthy of her, its even worse because she's made 'compromises' in his favour and he's still rejected her!

I think the promise (implicit or explicit) of a future together or "future faking" is particularly unpleasant, but women must learn to take these with a pinch of salt - or even treat them as a red flag.

pickledparsnip · 25/02/2018 13:36

Not surprised you're upset OP, what a knob.

I went on a date with someone a few days ago who didn't look anything like their photos (which were all taken from an odd angle), and then spent the next two hours talking about himself, and how awful his ex is. We were supposed to on to another place, but I cut the date short. Was so damn proud of myself, as in the past I would have carried on and probably had an awkward snog, because I wouldn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. Well fuck that.

I dip in and out of OLD every so often, but I've yet to meet anyone decent. Most seem to lie about something on their profile (often height), and I find the whole thing odd. I'm not doing it anymore (til the next eve when I've drunk too much wine and think it's a good idea to sign up again).

pickledparsnip · 25/02/2018 13:37

Also, don't like the judgement about OP sleeping with the bloke on the second date.

doesthislookoddtoyou · 25/02/2018 13:39

Its not about sleepin with him on the second date, its about doing that and expecting a different outcome to this one.

Perfectnight · 25/02/2018 13:48

I don’t see how you can question why he went to such lengths to get a shag. He didn’t have to try that hard - you had sex on the second date!

Your choice but I do think you are setting yourself up for a fall if you believe all the future talk when you have only just met him.

Also it is perfectly possible he meant what he said at the time and just changed his mind. I have done it to guys myself ie agreed to another date then over a couple of days start to get doubts. It’s completely normal.

missmoz · 25/02/2018 13:48

Some people here being incredibly bitchy and judgemental! Every one of your sexual encounters worked out right?! Well then back off.

It's not about sleeping with him on the 1st, 2nd, 25th date. It's about him saying he was looking for one thing and clearly not. A 'hey had a great time but thinking about it I don't want to carry on dating you' would have sufficed.

OP what you're feeling is normal, you'll be ok but it's a not a nice feeling.

doesthislookoddtoyou · 25/02/2018 13:49

Some people here being incredibly bitchy and judgemental! Every one of your sexual encounters worked out right?! Well then back off

She's on here asking for opinions. We're giving them. Wgat's your probem?

missmoz · 25/02/2018 13:53

Just think referring to a woman who's feeling shit about a situation as "easy" is unhelpful and nasty.

Bluebelle38 · 25/02/2018 13:56

I slept with my partner on the first date. I was attracted to him, it had been a while and we were both up for it. 4 years later, we are happily living together. Any man that judges a woman for having on a first date is a hypocrite.

AmMany men are on dating sites for sex only. The "looking for a relationship" is just a line as if they said they were on there to have as many one night stands as possible, they'd have far less success. And yes, women can also be on dating sites just for sex as well (before I'm crucified).

tafftum · 25/02/2018 13:57

@NurseButtercup Sadhow awful, what a loser. Hope youre okThanks

@SassyS89 I'm sorry this happened to you, please don't message / call him again he's clearly not worth it and please stop listening to his radio show it won't help you. Just chalk this up to experience and don't be so trusting so early on. SadThanks

Bluebelle38 · 25/02/2018 13:58

Any man that sleeps with a woman and judges her for being easy, etc, is a hypocrite*

Original poster
SassyS89 · 25/02/2018 14:26

Don't get me wrong I didn't think he was going to be my happily ever after but he didn't give me any reason to think he was after anything different from what he told me. It may well be that he could have changed his mind, but in less than 24 hours from when I last saw him?? And if that was the case why leave me a voice note after the second date saying he loved our connection and that he didn't want anything to mess things up between us. Surely he would not have contacted me whatsoever. Anyway, I've accepted that he's a first class tosser and I've definately learnt from this. Thank you everyone for your advice.

OP posts:
Bluebelle38 · 25/02/2018 14:28

Don't take it so personally. You will be thinking about this whole situation differently (or likely at all) in no time 😊

anxiousnow · 25/02/2018 14:58

Sassy sorry this happened to you. It is all on him. He should have had the decency to explain himself. I hate that it is becoming acceptable on OLD that you don't need to be clear about intentions. They get away with it as people accept it as a norm. It is fine that he changed his mind but he should have told you and explained.

ThisLittleKitty · 25/02/2018 15:14

It's probably best to not read too much into it. He's blanked you since, that speaks volumes about what he was after. I wouldn't bother thinking but why did he do this/that. It's not worth the enegry.

userxx · 25/02/2018 15:50

Someone harping on about connections after one or two dates is a bit odd to me. Don't overthink this one, just put it behind you and move on.

MozzchopsThirty · 25/02/2018 16:39

OP I think some people have been really mean to you on here.

We still make the same mistakes as adults. I get sucked in by wankers all the time, have sex, regret it

Like I said in a pp, dust yourself off and get back out there

DatingLife · 25/02/2018 17:05

I get sucked in by wankers all the time, have sex, regret it and

dust yourself off and get back out there

Sounds like a smart plan Hmm

bebealpha · 25/02/2018 18:00

I too slept with my husband the night I met him. I suspect my husband was a bit of a player before I met him. I also had a boyfriend. We've been married 10 years and have 3 children. We were very serious very quickly (although I had to get rid
Of the boyfriend) I've never cheated on him and to the very best of my knowledge he has never cheated on me.

I don't think that you can compartmentalise people. He might be a wanker who does this repeatedly, he might have meant what he said to you at the time and then an ex contacted him that evening. It's nothing to do with the fact you slept with him quickly though.

bebealpha · 25/02/2018 18:02

Ps I would be tempted to contacted him and tell him you've got herpes and he should prob get checked out. Wank stain.