hey. its the first time I have posted here so please be nice. I am a stepparent but not a real parent but I just need some help.
This is probably going to be a long post but I need to get it out there. My friends wont talk to me about him any more because they are sick of the way he treats me so I have no one.
He moved in with me after a week. I know that this was stupid but he was kicked out of his house and had no where to go. HE was supposed to move out but it all fell through so has been with me ever since. He has only paid £25 a week in bills and then in time he lost his job and fell into a depressive episode. then he paid nothing towards the house at all.
The arguments started pretty early on. HE would assume I was being jealous if I asked who a girl he knew was. If I wanted a cuddle I was being needy. If I wanted to have a rant about work, I acted like no one else ever worked in their life (Im a teacher so I get stressed!) It was like walking on eggshells. HE makes derogative jokes about me all of the time but if I make a joke back, im being serious and i really mean what I am saying.
At times its been terrible. He says the worst things about me. He has called me a fat, ugly c**t several times. (Im a size 10!) and then when i get angry or cry, he gets angry even more.
BUt when he is good,.. he is so good. and thats why I stay. I want us both to be so happy but its like I am fighting against everything. He uses his depression as an excuse. HE says this is the way he is and he is never going to change. I have to just accept that.
But the thing I really want to talk about is the last week, culminating in last night and the state I am in at the moment.
It was valentines day last week and i joked that he owed me a good present as he had missed our anniversary because he didnt have a job. I ordered him something from the internet but it didnt come in time. He got me my present and it was stuck in the sorting office until the next day. WHen it came, i felt bad because his hadnt, so I ordered him something else that cost like £100. I text him saying "Ive ordered you something else!!!" and he got so angry at me. Started shouting at how I never buy him anything he wants and I am useless and cant get anything right, then he threw my present in the bin because I was too upset to open it.
After that, he apologised and things were ok for a week - in fact i felt like I had him back. But I noticed a week ago he hasnt been taking his antidepressants so I was waiting for an argument. Last night was that night. I have been decorating the living room for three days solid and was about to get in the bath and hvae some me time when he called me and asked me to pick him up. I did, took him everywhere he needed to go, bought him food and we went home. We were on the sofa watching tv and he was rubbing my feet. When he stopped i tried to give him a shoulder rub but I was too hard and hurt him accidentally. He tried to hurt me back to "show me" but i pushed him off because he is really heavy handed. It was a genuine accident. I was just trying to do something nice. Anyway, he completely lost it and spat in my face. I was in complete shock and started crying. I had a cigarette in my hand so went in the kitchen to get away from him and he pushed the sofa at me, cutting one of my toes. Then he followed me around the house shouting at me. I didnt even really understand what I had done. this just kept getting worse and worse until he eventually snapped and said he didnt give a f*ck about me and didnt even know if he loved me any more. I have been up all night crying and I just feel alone.
I dont want to not be with him but he does this to me so much. he is like jekyll and hyde and when he is bad, he is so bad. He says so many terrible things to me. and he doesnt listen. I have to text him a bit later if I have anything to say and its breaking my heart. When he lost his job in october he sunk into depression and i made him go see a doctor. He met a 'mental health nurse' in a pub - i am dubious - because apparently she told him im his trigger. I have enough knowledge of the mental health system to know a professional wouldnt put the blame on someone else after 10 minutes in a pub. Especially not when he is exactly the same with his son.
He has all of these female friends and most of them i get on with but he also tries to make me feel jealous about them. tells me he would rather go out with them than me. he has more fun with them. HE constantly likes pictures of girls in their underwear online. He doesnt care that it bothers me.
I dont know what i want the outcome to be. I do love him. but i also wonder if I am just scared of being single again and having to go through all of this again at 34.