i dont even know whats right any more

[Feelingsolost]

hey. its the first time I have posted here so please be nice. I am a stepparent but not a real parent but I just need some help.

This is probably going to be a long post but I need to get it out there. My friends wont talk to me about him any more because they are sick of the way he treats me so I have no one.

He moved in with me after a week. I know that this was stupid but he was kicked out of his house and had no where to go. HE was supposed to move out but it all fell through so has been with me ever since. He has only paid £25 a week in bills and then in time he lost his job and fell into a depressive episode. then he paid nothing towards the house at all.

The arguments started pretty early on. HE would assume I was being jealous if I asked who a girl he knew was. If I wanted a cuddle I was being needy. If I wanted to have a rant about work, I acted like no one else ever worked in their life (Im a teacher so I get stressed!) It was like walking on eggshells. HE makes derogative jokes about me all of the time but if I make a joke back, im being serious and i really mean what I am saying.

At times its been terrible. He says the worst things about me. He has called me a fat, ugly c**t several times. (Im a size 10!) and then when i get angry or cry, he gets angry even more.

BUt when he is good,.. he is so good. and thats why I stay. I want us both to be so happy but its like I am fighting against everything. He uses his depression as an excuse. HE says this is the way he is and he is never going to change. I have to just accept that.

But the thing I really want to talk about is the last week, culminating in last night and the state I am in at the moment.

It was valentines day last week and i joked that he owed me a good present as he had missed our anniversary because he didnt have a job. I ordered him something from the internet but it didnt come in time. He got me my present and it was stuck in the sorting office until the next day. WHen it came, i felt bad because his hadnt, so I ordered him something else that cost like £100. I text him saying "Ive ordered you something else!!!" and he got so angry at me. Started shouting at how I never buy him anything he wants and I am useless and cant get anything right, then he threw my present in the bin because I was too upset to open it.

After that, he apologised and things were ok for a week - in fact i felt like I had him back. But I noticed a week ago he hasnt been taking his antidepressants so I was waiting for an argument. Last night was that night. I have been decorating the living room for three days solid and was about to get in the bath and hvae some me time when he called me and asked me to pick him up. I did, took him everywhere he needed to go, bought him food and we went home. We were on the sofa watching tv and he was rubbing my feet. When he stopped i tried to give him a shoulder rub but I was too hard and hurt him accidentally. He tried to hurt me back to "show me" but i pushed him off because he is really heavy handed. It was a genuine accident. I was just trying to do something nice. Anyway, he completely lost it and spat in my face. I was in complete shock and started crying. I had a cigarette in my hand so went in the kitchen to get away from him and he pushed the sofa at me, cutting one of my toes. Then he followed me around the house shouting at me. I didnt even really understand what I had done. this just kept getting worse and worse until he eventually snapped and said he didnt give a f*ck about me and didnt even know if he loved me any more. I have been up all night crying and I just feel alone.

I dont want to not be with him but he does this to me so much. he is like jekyll and hyde and when he is bad, he is so bad. He says so many terrible things to me. and he doesnt listen. I have to text him a bit later if I have anything to say and its breaking my heart. When he lost his job in october he sunk into depression and i made him go see a doctor. He met a 'mental health nurse' in a pub - i am dubious - because apparently she told him im his trigger. I have enough knowledge of the mental health system to know a professional wouldnt put the blame on someone else after 10 minutes in a pub. Especially not when he is exactly the same with his son.

He has all of these female friends and most of them i get on with but he also tries to make me feel jealous about them. tells me he would rather go out with them than me. he has more fun with them. HE constantly likes pictures of girls in their underwear online. He doesnt care that it bothers me.

I dont know what i want the outcome to be. I do love him. but i also wonder if I am just scared of being single again and having to go through all of this again at 34.

I have enough knowledge of the mental health system to know a professional wouldnt put the blame on someone else after 10 minutes in a pub. Especially not when he is exactly the same with his son.

I say this gently, OP, but as a teacher you also have enough knowledge of the safeguarding system. Imagine if a parent told you what you're telling us?

At your best, you'll never be good enough for the wrong person.

He isnt abusive to his son. at all. If he was, I would do something about it.

Why are you crying this is the time to be rejoicing get his shit packed up put it on the doorstep and kick him the fuck out. Is an abusive user and a waste of space who had already been violent. Forget about all the I love him handwringing just put his arse out.

When I say he is the same with his son, he isn't like he is with me. I mean the depression, like sometimes he doesnt care about seeing him and things like that. He is never abusive towards him.

Op in your opening thread you said this:

Especially not when he is exactly the same with his son.

Which is why people are asking. Because you've given the impression he's treating his son the way he treats you.

You realise neglect is a form of abuse, don't you. As a teacher, you have had safeguarding training. Please don't minimise this.

No - not at all. I mean the detachment and not caring if he sees him or not. Sorry I was trying to get it all out. there was so much i put in and so much more that could have gone in. I promise that if i thought he was abusive towards his son I would have done something. I am on good terms with his mom and i wouldnt let anything bad happen to him.

He does love him very much. I make sure they see each other every week and don't let the depression eat away at him so he doesn't and I make sure we always have fun stuff to do at the weekends so he has a nice time. But if he is feeling bad, he will just say he doesnt want to see him and i try and stop that.

This is what you do.

You read all your posts as if they were not wrote by you. What do you advise this person to do ?

You have a friend /colleague come to you and tell the same story. What would you advise her to do ?

If you were my friend - what would I tell you to do ? Id tell you to pack his stuff, have a friend around for support, and tell him in light of last night and his disclosure of his feelings he is moving out today. ( Expect him to retract his action ,tell you he wants it to work, he will change, he will self harm himself etc etc ) be firm as you know he needs to go.

Oh poor OP, this is such an awful situation.

All of us are here shouting that the guy is an abusive piece of crap and you must leave him immediately. I don't disagree with that, but I just want to say that you are not a loser or pathetic for finding it hard to break from him.

that's the way these relationships work--the guys reel you in with how wonderful they are while they are in the Dr Jekyll phase, how much they love you, how close your connection is. And how much they need you because they are depressed and alone and you will be depressed and alone without them.

All of that is part of the bullshit that keeps you trapped in the cycle of abuse. Don't believe ityou have to get to where you don't believe it anymorebut don't beat yourself up for having believed it in the past. That just means you are a nice normal loving trusting person who was taking advantage of by someone cruel.

He will not change.

You cannot fix him.

Definitely keep calling Women's Aid.

Call the police if he shouts at you, pushes furniture at you, spits on you, tries to break into the house after you lock him out.

And LOCK HIM OUT as soon as you can.

Your life will be so much better without him. But I understand that it's incredibly hard to see that now.

taken advantage of fgs.

I am glad to read that you have left a message with WA. Getting spaghetti head is commonly seen in relationships where abuse is ever present and you are up to your neck in abuse here. Some men also cite depression as an excuse or justification for the ways in which they treat their chosen target.

He won't leave you because he likes having you around to abuse and run after him. He lovebombed you and wormed his way into your life and home. As I mentioned before such men hate women, all of them.

You are worth more than this, the mere crumbs he gave and no longer gives you. The nice him does not exist and never did; he basically tricked you into starting a relationship with him.

So basically you do all the running around and he sits on his star and lets you?

Do what @Namethecat Said. Imagine a friend has written everything you've said on here. Then think about what you would want for your friend.

BE YOUR FRIEND

And no. You're not pathetic. You just need to get away from him. It's hard but it's right.

I would think he treated his ex partner exactly as you now have been treated. It is also not your job to facilitate the relationship between he and his son; that is down to him alone. Why are you trying, its probably due to your own conditioning.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up? What example did your own family of origin show you?.

It feels different this time. LIke is he actually going to do it. He did the same to his ex. One day just upped and left and talks about her like she is the devil incarnate and she is the reason he is the way he is. And I know its absolutely pathetic but thats what hurting me more. Not having him in my life. NOt the spitting or the sofa. I sound like a fuckin cliche - an advert about abused women. I know it. but it hurts.

My parents split up when I was young. They didnt get on. I get on okay with both now but we are not particuarly close. My mom then remarried an abusive second partner. I was kicked out of home at 16 and have looked after myself since.

I didn't even read to the end of your post... get out. He is abusive. You have lost your confidence and self respect. Get out to make friends I know it is hard but just do it, you have to!

You have so many things going for you. You have a great job, your own flat (a wardrobe full of designer clothes!) You are smart, hardworking and kind.

He is none of these things and is taking out his low self esteem on you, but that is no excuse for being abusive, which is what he is.

Tell him to leave, he has no rights, where he goes is not your problem. Tell him to leave and then change the locks.

Keep calling women's aid, keep calling your friends. Throw him out and cut of all contact, don't engage with him at all. Put whatever energy you have left into keeping him away from you.

And then start rebuilding your wonderful life.

It's a great first step calling Women's Aid.
I think it's going to be difficult to get him out of your home, out of your life and out of your head. You need advice and support. Do you have friends or family in real life who will support you through this? You mention being firm friends with your ex, could you confide in him?

He's destroyed your confidence to the extent that you are able to accept his abuse and you'll probably take him back with open arms if he says the right things and turns on the charm. That's why it's important to have people on your side, keeping your feet on the ground.

The real you is still in there somewhere! Put on your cool clothes he sneers at, hold your head high and be the strong independent woman you were before he came along. You can do this and we'll be here cheering you on.

You may have a fantasy about a cosy domestic life with him, but it is just that, a fantasy. I would maybe start fantasising about something else. You in your flat with no one to belittle you, wearing what you want, eating what you want, maybe dating someone kind. It can be done! Good luck to you x

i have friends. a number of them dont talk to me at the moment because he has pushed them away. i know if i needed tthem they would be there. my best friend of 18 years is tired of me crying and then being happy with him. she told me she had to take a step back because she couldnt watch what he was doing to me any more. My other best friend used to be one of his best friends and she has stepped back from him because she doesnt like the way he treats me. she tells me to leave all the time also.

It makes me feel so sad when I read post's like yours here, smart women who lose their self esteem and stay with men who clearly hate them (and maybe all women) just for the odd crumb of affection thrown their way.

You are being terribly abused, I hope you can learn to be a good friend to yourself and start to live life peacefully and happily away from this cunt.

another reason im scared of him going is because a while ago he had some debt and let bailiffs in and he let them write up all my stuff. if he stops paying that debt i lose everything.

Take a big breath, swallow your pride and ask your friends for help. Don't see this as a failure, see it as finding the strength to change things.

Make this real by confiding in people. That will prevent you listening to all the self doubt and confusion you have swirling around your head.

You don't deserve the way he treats you and he won't change.