i dont even know whats right any more

[Feelingsolost]

hey. its the first time I have posted here so please be nice. I am a stepparent but not a real parent but I just need some help.

This is probably going to be a long post but I need to get it out there. My friends wont talk to me about him any more because they are sick of the way he treats me so I have no one.

He moved in with me after a week. I know that this was stupid but he was kicked out of his house and had no where to go. HE was supposed to move out but it all fell through so has been with me ever since. He has only paid £25 a week in bills and then in time he lost his job and fell into a depressive episode. then he paid nothing towards the house at all.

The arguments started pretty early on. HE would assume I was being jealous if I asked who a girl he knew was. If I wanted a cuddle I was being needy. If I wanted to have a rant about work, I acted like no one else ever worked in their life (Im a teacher so I get stressed!) It was like walking on eggshells. HE makes derogative jokes about me all of the time but if I make a joke back, im being serious and i really mean what I am saying.

At times its been terrible. He says the worst things about me. He has called me a fat, ugly c**t several times. (Im a size 10!) and then when i get angry or cry, he gets angry even more.

BUt when he is good,.. he is so good. and thats why I stay. I want us both to be so happy but its like I am fighting against everything. He uses his depression as an excuse. HE says this is the way he is and he is never going to change. I have to just accept that.

But the thing I really want to talk about is the last week, culminating in last night and the state I am in at the moment.

It was valentines day last week and i joked that he owed me a good present as he had missed our anniversary because he didnt have a job. I ordered him something from the internet but it didnt come in time. He got me my present and it was stuck in the sorting office until the next day. WHen it came, i felt bad because his hadnt, so I ordered him something else that cost like £100. I text him saying "Ive ordered you something else!!!" and he got so angry at me. Started shouting at how I never buy him anything he wants and I am useless and cant get anything right, then he threw my present in the bin because I was too upset to open it.

After that, he apologised and things were ok for a week - in fact i felt like I had him back. But I noticed a week ago he hasnt been taking his antidepressants so I was waiting for an argument. Last night was that night. I have been decorating the living room for three days solid and was about to get in the bath and hvae some me time when he called me and asked me to pick him up. I did, took him everywhere he needed to go, bought him food and we went home. We were on the sofa watching tv and he was rubbing my feet. When he stopped i tried to give him a shoulder rub but I was too hard and hurt him accidentally. He tried to hurt me back to "show me" but i pushed him off because he is really heavy handed. It was a genuine accident. I was just trying to do something nice. Anyway, he completely lost it and spat in my face. I was in complete shock and started crying. I had a cigarette in my hand so went in the kitchen to get away from him and he pushed the sofa at me, cutting one of my toes. Then he followed me around the house shouting at me. I didnt even really understand what I had done. this just kept getting worse and worse until he eventually snapped and said he didnt give a f*ck about me and didnt even know if he loved me any more. I have been up all night crying and I just feel alone.

I dont want to not be with him but he does this to me so much. he is like jekyll and hyde and when he is bad, he is so bad. He says so many terrible things to me. and he doesnt listen. I have to text him a bit later if I have anything to say and its breaking my heart. When he lost his job in october he sunk into depression and i made him go see a doctor. He met a 'mental health nurse' in a pub - i am dubious - because apparently she told him im his trigger. I have enough knowledge of the mental health system to know a professional wouldnt put the blame on someone else after 10 minutes in a pub. Especially not when he is exactly the same with his son.

He has all of these female friends and most of them i get on with but he also tries to make me feel jealous about them. tells me he would rather go out with them than me. he has more fun with them. HE constantly likes pictures of girls in their underwear online. He doesnt care that it bothers me.

I dont know what i want the outcome to be. I do love him. but i also wonder if I am just scared of being single again and having to go through all of this again at 34.

You are in love with the idea of having a relationship.

I was not all that surprised to see that your parents have had poor relationships themselves. Look at what they taught you. You have in turn learnt a lot of damaging lessons about relationships and from your mother in particular. This is also why your relationships to date also have been poor. No-one ever bothered to show you what a mutually loving and healthy relationship is like and you still do not know. There is an awful lot her that needs to be unlearnt and that will need to be done through counselling. The Freedom Programme is a must do for you because your boundaries are pretty much shot to pieces and that is also how this man wormed his way into your life.

Unless you have put your name on the debt, it is not your responsibility. Your possessions and your house are not in his name and can't be taken as payment for his debt.

I will add, the more you describe him, the more he sounds like an absolute cunt.

Since day one, he has been telling me he is intimidated by how clever I am and how much money I earn. He tells me all the time that every thing I say is the truth, even when I joke about things because I am good with words and the things I say break him down. BEcause a lot of the time, he remembers things with a very warped memory and I try to remind him of the truth or explain why something happened but once he has remembered it in a certain way it sticks with him.

And thank you to everyone. It is helping just having someone to talk to.

That's a classic sign of being abused; you're walking on egg shells around him, cautious of what you say, how you act, who you're friends with and even what you wear.

Imagine it as him seeing a beautiful butterfly, catching it in his hand and carrying it around in his fist crushing it because he wants it as his possession.
You need to get free of him he's suffocating you! x

I saw this article recently Feeling which made me think of you. I also saw similar with someone close to me who was in an abusive relationship for a while (but has now got out) - everything she said or thought seemed to revolve around what HE thought/had done/might do/wanted/.... Literally all our conversations seemed to go "but HE said he was unhappy about X... HE wanted me to do Y differently... HE said if A happened then HE would do B... what do you think HE really wants.." It was really like an obsession, and I think it was largely because of the unpredictability of his behavior as described in this article. I tried to help her to stop circling all her thoughts around HIM, and try to think more about what SHE wanted, how SHE was feeling, whether SHE was happy, what SHE would do (or would like to do) in specific circumstances. Not sure whether it helped, but she has now left him and I do believe she is starting to feel stronger now...

tealswan.com/resources/articles/why-you-cant-leave-the-relationship-intermittent-reinforcement-r210/

I never understand why women stay with men like this, especially a supposedly intelligent woman with a responsible job.

If you were a child and he was a parent and you were discussing this in a safe guarding scenario in the context of your job, you’d be saying it’s a serious CP issue!!

Bluffin, there are a lot of reasons why it's really hard to leave "men like this." Like I said above, these relationships are designed to manipulate kind, trusting people into staying. If you haven't experienced it or read up on it, it can be really hard to understand it ... but I can say as someone who has been in the same position, it can be really undermining to have someone making remarks like yours that sound really superior (I never understand ... supposedly intelligent)--you're living in a situation in which the abuser has already shredded your self-esteem and confidence and now someone else is tsking about how foolish you're being.

That's not intended as an attack on you, if I hadn't been in a similar position to OP I'd have trouble understanding it too. I still beat myself up frequently about how stupid to get involved with him despite being "supposedly intelligent" and responsible, haha. But I have to pull myself up, because dwelling on how I'd been unbelievably stupid didn't help me get out and was very counterproductive. Learning to believe I deserved better and understanding the dynamics of what I was trapped in helped me get out.

OP--please talk to your friends, say you realize his behavior is abusive and you want to leave but are struggling to follow through. It helps a lot to have some real-life people to turn to. I let pride get in my way for years and I wish now I'd been willing to let go of that sooner.

Can you seek individual counselling, does your employer offer an employee assistance programme or anything like that?

Do the Freedom Programme.

Please excuse broken record - but do the Freedom Programme.

You'll get all your answers there. it is an amazing course, gets your head straight in record time. Lots of solid support, as well as meeting other lovely women in a similar position.

do the Freedom Programme then lovely. Do it now. All this will make sense when you do.

I was kicked out of home at 16 and have looked after myself since
Well you are NOT looking after yourself now.
We can all say it over and over again but only YOU can take action to make it happen.
Pack up his shit and put it outside.
1x text 'This is over. Your things are outside. Collect them within 2 days or it all goes to the tip'
The block, ignore and delete.
It REALLY REALLY is that easy!!!

I never understand why women stay with men like this

This should shed some light on it.

Zero to do with intelligence btw. Almost all victims of domestic abuse have experienced abuse of some kind before, usually in childhood - either as a victim or a witness.

OP. He is using you for a roof over his head. Please get rid. He will end up destroying you. He doesn’t love you and is no good for you. You deserve better

Bluffin - i wish you could see what goes through my head. This isnt about my supposed intelligence. Its my emotions and the fact ive been worn down so much that I dont know what to do any more. If I felt it would be easy to leave, I would have done. But its not because I am in the middle of it, I am the one who is getting hurt. I hope you never encounter this because it really is the worst feeling.

I have been on the phone with women's aid now for an hour. They have said it is domestic abuse (financial, emotional and something called coersive control) and hvae given me details for the local freedom programme. But I cant explain how hard it is to love someone who has put you through this for so long. I used to feel the same, why do stupid women stay with these men but unless you are there, in it, living it every day you can't understand.

This isn't a relationship, this is torture. Please leave him as soon as possible, he is toxic and things will only get worse.

My friend got involved with an abusive man, he also moved into her property very quickly. From day one, I was uneasy as I could see through his manipulating ways and controlling manor. Please understand how frustrating it is for your friends to see this going on and feeling helpless. I'm terrified for her.

I never understand why women stay with men like this, especially a supposedly intelligent woman with a responsible job.

Id like to give you a but I won't because I was exactly like you.....until I ended up in an abusive relationship.

ive emailed the people from the closest freedom programme

Oh this is so hard OP. If you can you need to try to change your focus from thinking about him and your relationship to thinking about you. Your idea of love and relationships is warped and it's no surprise based on what you've said about your childhood and your parents' relationships. I'd like to urge you to consider some counselling for yourself to try to make sense of your feelings and why you have made the choices you have. It's only by understanding yourself that you can begin to make different choices moving forward. Ask your Gp / find a local charity like Mind / find a private counsellor through BACP / check out any work benefits for this. Things will never change with him or with future relationships until you change. Start to think about you. Good luck

Good Luck! Plenty of good advice here from others who have been there. Realising it is not right is the first step and doing something about it is the second.
Get rid of him. Forget him. Love yourself.

I'm really pleased you spoke to Women's Aid. Keep talking, open up to your friends. I have massive respect for women that can walk away from abusive relationships.

The abuse is so insidious and hard to detect at first and the mind games often quite subtle; playing on your insecurities, twisting the truth and in your case, taking advantage of your kind nature and his trump card; using his depression to make you feel guilty and sympathetic.

It actually takes a lot of intelligence to recognise a relationship has become abusive and huge strength of character to walk away.
When an abuser fears their victim wants to end things, it's common for them to ramp up the charm and manipulate the situation for their own gain. This is where having outside support will save you from going back.

Good luck with the Freedom programme. Start putting yourself first.

Run - don’t walk. And fast.

Hi OP this is terrible, I have just left (on valentines day) a relationship similar with the mental and verbal abuse (and sometimes violence) it was terrible.

Ask yourself this though "why are you staying?" my answer was because I wanted the nice HIM back and the one I fell in love with, as with you he was amazing when nice and a C**T when bad he really was jekyll and hyde and would make things up deny things call me everything under the sun but woe betide if I did the same!!

I had put so much effort into the relationship which was another reason to stay to prove I could make it work!! You justify to yourself etc think you are going mad and THAT is all about what THEY have done to you, undermined you shattered your self respect and made you doubt yourself. Please take it from someone that knows this only gets worse believe me.

I tried to leave many times but then the charm would go on, although it never lasted this time I left and have gone totally no contact and it has worked thus far. Luckily i have my own house and can go back there so I am busy making plans.

You are 10 years + younger than me take the chance now I am so much happier and I really hope you can be too.

Please start thinking about you it's hard when all you have been doing is treading on eggshells trying to please but you absolutely must put you first.

Take care x

'Start putting yourself first'

^ This

Don't let this awful abusive man destroy you and the life you have made for yourself. Don't let him take you assets or put your career at risk.

You only get one life.

memyselfandi1 thank you, There have been so many nice comments on this post but yours has resonated because thats exactly how I feel. I have put so much into being this perfect woman and trying to make him happy, both emotionally and financially and sometimes i do get something back and its so amazing when i do. But then the shit times where I am sat here crying and begging him to stay make me feel like i am nothing. I know everyone is telling me its easy to get out of it but its really not.

You have to try to understand that he doesn't even like you, it's a harsh truth and the longer you stay with him the worse he will treat you because he can you may well feel you love him but he does not love you.
I'm very glad you have been in touch with womans aid, it's a good first step. You know, you sound fantastic, you should be treated as such.

Just about the first rule of loving someone is that you want to be nice to them.

everyone is telling me its easy to get out of it but its really not
It is if you make it so.
It's YOUR house.
You have no DC to tie you to him.
This COULD be easy.
I realise, in your head, it's not.
BUT... it is!!
It really is!