i dont even know whats right any more

[Feelingsolost]

hey. its the first time I have posted here so please be nice. I am a stepparent but not a real parent but I just need some help.

This is probably going to be a long post but I need to get it out there. My friends wont talk to me about him any more because they are sick of the way he treats me so I have no one.

He moved in with me after a week. I know that this was stupid but he was kicked out of his house and had no where to go. HE was supposed to move out but it all fell through so has been with me ever since. He has only paid £25 a week in bills and then in time he lost his job and fell into a depressive episode. then he paid nothing towards the house at all.

The arguments started pretty early on. HE would assume I was being jealous if I asked who a girl he knew was. If I wanted a cuddle I was being needy. If I wanted to have a rant about work, I acted like no one else ever worked in their life (Im a teacher so I get stressed!) It was like walking on eggshells. HE makes derogative jokes about me all of the time but if I make a joke back, im being serious and i really mean what I am saying.

At times its been terrible. He says the worst things about me. He has called me a fat, ugly c**t several times. (Im a size 10!) and then when i get angry or cry, he gets angry even more.

BUt when he is good,.. he is so good. and thats why I stay. I want us both to be so happy but its like I am fighting against everything. He uses his depression as an excuse. HE says this is the way he is and he is never going to change. I have to just accept that.

But the thing I really want to talk about is the last week, culminating in last night and the state I am in at the moment.

It was valentines day last week and i joked that he owed me a good present as he had missed our anniversary because he didnt have a job. I ordered him something from the internet but it didnt come in time. He got me my present and it was stuck in the sorting office until the next day. WHen it came, i felt bad because his hadnt, so I ordered him something else that cost like £100. I text him saying "Ive ordered you something else!!!" and he got so angry at me. Started shouting at how I never buy him anything he wants and I am useless and cant get anything right, then he threw my present in the bin because I was too upset to open it.

After that, he apologised and things were ok for a week - in fact i felt like I had him back. But I noticed a week ago he hasnt been taking his antidepressants so I was waiting for an argument. Last night was that night. I have been decorating the living room for three days solid and was about to get in the bath and hvae some me time when he called me and asked me to pick him up. I did, took him everywhere he needed to go, bought him food and we went home. We were on the sofa watching tv and he was rubbing my feet. When he stopped i tried to give him a shoulder rub but I was too hard and hurt him accidentally. He tried to hurt me back to "show me" but i pushed him off because he is really heavy handed. It was a genuine accident. I was just trying to do something nice. Anyway, he completely lost it and spat in my face. I was in complete shock and started crying. I had a cigarette in my hand so went in the kitchen to get away from him and he pushed the sofa at me, cutting one of my toes. Then he followed me around the house shouting at me. I didnt even really understand what I had done. this just kept getting worse and worse until he eventually snapped and said he didnt give a f*ck about me and didnt even know if he loved me any more. I have been up all night crying and I just feel alone.

I dont want to not be with him but he does this to me so much. he is like jekyll and hyde and when he is bad, he is so bad. He says so many terrible things to me. and he doesnt listen. I have to text him a bit later if I have anything to say and its breaking my heart. When he lost his job in october he sunk into depression and i made him go see a doctor. He met a 'mental health nurse' in a pub - i am dubious - because apparently she told him im his trigger. I have enough knowledge of the mental health system to know a professional wouldnt put the blame on someone else after 10 minutes in a pub. Especially not when he is exactly the same with his son.

He has all of these female friends and most of them i get on with but he also tries to make me feel jealous about them. tells me he would rather go out with them than me. he has more fun with them. HE constantly likes pictures of girls in their underwear online. He doesnt care that it bothers me.

I dont know what i want the outcome to be. I do love him. but i also wonder if I am just scared of being single again and having to go through all of this again at 34.

no! it's not easy, if that were true no one would ever stay in an abusive relationship for more than 5 minutes. The psychological barriers are HUGE.

But you are right that OP doesn't have children with the guy, or joint property, thank goodness! So a lot of the potential logistical barriers are missing.

OP you can do this and it will be worth it.

Like MemyselfandI was, you are still really stuck in the sunken costs fallacy and people keep on making poor relationship decisions as a result of that.

Re your comment:-
"I have put so much into being this perfect woman and trying to make him happy, both emotionally and financially and sometimes i do get something back and its so amazing when i do".

This is what the sunken costs fallacy is all about. You justify “riding a loser” or getting stuck on what you already have because you fear that walking away would mean that you wasted your time or money, you made a mistake, people will now say, “I told you so”, or you will then conclude, “I must be bad at making decisions because this one didn’t work out”. If you recognize any of this in yourself then you are suffering from commitment to sunk costs.

You are trying to recover your investment by holding onto it because you cannot accept it is no longer working. Taking time to examine your commitment to a past decision that seems no longer to be rewarding might help you make a better decision now. Keep in mind that good decisions should point to future benefits. You should not be overly concerned in justifying the past when you can benefit more by moving forward.

The idea of sunk cost states that an investment of money, time or energy must not necessarily influence your continued investment of money, time or energy. The past investment is “sunk” into the endeavor and cannot be recouped. It is gone. Ongoing investment will not resuscitate what is gone when the investment is a bad one.
People get bogged down by focusing on their sunk costs.
There are two ways to understand this process, both involving avoidance. One is an avoidance of disappointment or loss when something doesn’t work out. When a relationship doesn’t succeed, especially after a long period, especially after many shared experiences and especially after developing a hope that the relationship would be a good one, it is a loss. It is a loss of what might have been and an acknowledgement that a part of one’s life has been devoted to this endeavor.
Another angle to evaluate is that focus on “sunk cost” creates a distraction from one’s inner truth. The sentence often goes like, “I’ve already invested to much, so I can’t notice my thoughts and feelings that are telling me to end or change this relationship.”
This is a type of insidious defense against noticing yourself. You enter into a neglectful relationship with yourself which divorces you from your inner thoughts and the quiet feelings that might guide you in your life. In other words, thinking about what already has been may prevent you from deciding what you want your life to be.

The key is to clear away the distractions to rational and emotional clarity. Getting stuck in your “sunk cost” prevents you from this clarity, whether in your relationships or your investments!

It doesn’t sound easy at all . He has been your focus and it sounds an all consuming one at that .
You deserve to wear your nice clothes and feel good about yourself, feel proud about your job and what you do but most of all to be thinking about your wants and likes opinions and not his.
He has a nasty side, it won’t go away , it will just get worse the more he believes he is able to treat you like this.

He is at work at the moment. I've gone out to my friends. She said I can stay the night. I text him this morning but he just said he wasn't talking about it so I've just left and not told him. I don't know what my next steps are. I wish I did.

Good for you for talking to your friend, and good for her for offering you a place to stay!

Maybe the next step is to talk to Women's Aid again about the next thing to do.

I think that since you own your house and the two of you aren't married, you're perfectly within your rights to change the locks on your house and tell him to move out immediately. He will beg, he will threaten, he will tell you how horrible you are. All of that is manipulation. You need to protect yourself.

Your first tiny step Feelingsolost but it takes a MASSIVE effort to do that so well done, and well done your friend too. Just get some headspace from this abusive arsehole, he has totally undermined your confidence and got you exactly where he wants you.

When I read the title of your post I thought 'I bet I know what this is about'. That is exactly how I felt the day I woke up and left MY abusive arsehole. Trust me, I have NEVER looked back.

Don't worry about your next steps yet, just spend tonight with your friend and work out how to get that bastard out of your house.

Bluffin, there are a lot of reasons why it's really hard to leave "men like this." Like I said above, these relationships are designed to manipulate kind, trusting people into staying. If you haven't experienced it or read up on it, it can be really hard to understand it ...

I do understand it, firsthand, believe me, but there has to come a point when you KNOW the only answer is to leave, and it seems to me that the OP has reached it, yet she’s still asking for affirmation that she’s doing the right thing by staying. OP has my sympathy- but imho she needs to realise she’s in a far better position than women attached to men like this who also have children and no home of their own. OP, end it now.

He spat in your face!

Really!

His arse wouldn't have touched the floor as I kicked him out of it.
Get rid of this abusive loser!

Bluffin -
If I felt it would be easy to leave, I would have done....
I hope you never encounter this because it really is the worst feeling.

not saying it’s easy.... I have encountered it. I just think it’s time to get tough with yourself and him. Thank God you haven’t got his children; you also have a home and a job. Plenty of women in your position aren’t so lucky.

You have made some great choices already op - and been really brave in contacting womens aid and considering the freedom programme.

When you are stuck on this up and down merry go round it is difficult to see the reality of whats actually going on and hard to work out what to do. You don't need to do anything straight away. Just keep thinking about what you want in life and keep reading more about controlling men and how they manage to do that. Maybe read 'why does he do that' to give you more insight.

I see what you're saying Bluffin

If OP stays in this relationship she could wake up in 5 years time with a couple of kids, not working, completely financially dependent on this arsehole and isolated from any friends or family. And of course any self belief would have upped and left.

It's an important message to anyone in an abusive relationship who's trying to leave it. If not now when? Take the opportunity to leave while you still can.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties

I see what you're saying Bluffin

Thank you. I just think, what does OP need most now; a kick up the backside (metaphorically speaking) or another bouquet? And, yes, I admit I’m frustrated by the idea of a woman apologising for a manipulative freeloader who calls her a c* and spits in her face.

I'm not here asking for affirmations or bouquets. I wanted advice. I don't know what to do and no amount of people telling me that I am frustrating them or it's easy to just up and leave isn't going to make me feel better about what's happening.

The spitting in your face should be enough to make your mind up OP. That is so so degrading for you. He sounds absolutely vile. I understand you feel torn but he is not going to change. He will have moments of being 'nice' to you but that's just to reel you back in.

If you do leave him, he will tell you everything you want to hear so be prepared for 'the script'. You're only 35, you've got plenty of time to make a life with someone who values you and treats you properly. Please listen to everyone, he is no good for you.

Today 17:53 Feelingsolost

I'm not here asking for affirmations or bouquets. I wanted advice

And that’s what you’ve been getting, OP, most of it very sympathetic. I’m sorry for you, and sorry you still don’t seem to know what you should do, but the only way you’re going to feel any better imo is by listening to those of us who are trying to tell you to leave- then actually doing it. Good luck

Will your friend help? It’s your home and it doesn’t sound like he has any rights . Take the bull by the horns while you have someone with you and tell him that he has to leave ASAP.
If you give him days and days he may we’ll be able to manipulate you into staying.
I know he is saying it’s over etc but I bet that will change quickly.
Please try and make sure you have someone with you when he is around.
It’s much easier and safer.
I think you have made loads of brave steps today.

I don't mean to upset you at all. Of course it's not easy. It must all feel daunting as fuck and very difficult.
I'm concerned that he's done a number on you and doubts will start creeping in. You've taken some massive steps today and it would be amazing if this could be a turning point for you.

You can do this. You're stronger than you think.
Channel that fighting spirit you showed in your last post! x

I do not want you to leave your own home.
From your original post he moved himself in.
You are now aware it is not right. Plan what you can, change locks when he is at work or when you are on holiday and he is not.
Then go no contact.
Try to stop caring about him , care about yourself. Sounds like you have done well for yourself before .

Fhave some respect for yourself and fuck him off

It's bloody heartbreaking to read about young women like you OP.
You have everything good going for you in life and you have set the bar pityfully low by entertaining this nasty cretin.
Everyone telling you to leave won't make any difference if you arnt ready to see the light. I don't think you are quite there yet but believe me you will be when that supposed love of yours turns to loathing and even hate. The biggest favour he could ever do you is to end the relationship. You have said he is threatening this and let's hope he means it because ridding yourself of him will be the best thing to happen to you. You are wasting your life on this waste of air.

Being at my friends hs helped. As have the wonderful commenters here. I just still don't know. I know you are probably all reading that asking what is wrong with me and why I'm not just changing the locks etc but I feel like I've got to be ready to d that and one day I will be. I just don't know I can this time. Besides I still haven't seen him. I don't know if he will stay or go. I just feel very powerless at the moment.

I hope for your sake that he goes.
You are better off on your own that living with this disgusting excuse for a man.

You are not powerless though, you hold all the power, it's your house. Do you see how outrageous it is that a man who despises you is in your house and you stay at a friends?

He has abused you terribly, but you can stop this. I really hope you do before you are stuck with a baby or 2 and no income, completely dependent on the crumbs he throws you from time to time.

Nobody is this great in bed to have this hold over you, no man is worth your self worth being eroded. He is only a bloke, there are millions of them and relationships are not compulsory either.

I really hope you can get some help with your self-esteem, you really need it.

What's holding you back OP? I get that you want to be ready but waiting for that magic moment could be very costly for you.

Itls it because you feel like you love him and that deep down he loves you?
Do you think he might be different to all the other abusers everyone else on here has lived with.
Nobody on here is going to pop up and say...hang on...it could all be x, y and z and if you do x, y and z you'll make him better.

I think you need to stop hiding behind how hard all this is and waiting to feel 'ready'. Yes it is hard, but this is all going to take so much longer if you wait for a feeling. Sometimes you just have to trust that the people who care about you, plus countless strangers on the internet, are right and do what you need to do whether you feel like it or not.