i dont even know whats right any more

[Feelingsolost]

hey. its the first time I have posted here so please be nice. I am a stepparent but not a real parent but I just need some help.

This is probably going to be a long post but I need to get it out there. My friends wont talk to me about him any more because they are sick of the way he treats me so I have no one.

He moved in with me after a week. I know that this was stupid but he was kicked out of his house and had no where to go. HE was supposed to move out but it all fell through so has been with me ever since. He has only paid £25 a week in bills and then in time he lost his job and fell into a depressive episode. then he paid nothing towards the house at all.

The arguments started pretty early on. HE would assume I was being jealous if I asked who a girl he knew was. If I wanted a cuddle I was being needy. If I wanted to have a rant about work, I acted like no one else ever worked in their life (Im a teacher so I get stressed!) It was like walking on eggshells. HE makes derogative jokes about me all of the time but if I make a joke back, im being serious and i really mean what I am saying.

At times its been terrible. He says the worst things about me. He has called me a fat, ugly c**t several times. (Im a size 10!) and then when i get angry or cry, he gets angry even more.

BUt when he is good,.. he is so good. and thats why I stay. I want us both to be so happy but its like I am fighting against everything. He uses his depression as an excuse. HE says this is the way he is and he is never going to change. I have to just accept that.

But the thing I really want to talk about is the last week, culminating in last night and the state I am in at the moment.

It was valentines day last week and i joked that he owed me a good present as he had missed our anniversary because he didnt have a job. I ordered him something from the internet but it didnt come in time. He got me my present and it was stuck in the sorting office until the next day. WHen it came, i felt bad because his hadnt, so I ordered him something else that cost like £100. I text him saying "Ive ordered you something else!!!" and he got so angry at me. Started shouting at how I never buy him anything he wants and I am useless and cant get anything right, then he threw my present in the bin because I was too upset to open it.

After that, he apologised and things were ok for a week - in fact i felt like I had him back. But I noticed a week ago he hasnt been taking his antidepressants so I was waiting for an argument. Last night was that night. I have been decorating the living room for three days solid and was about to get in the bath and hvae some me time when he called me and asked me to pick him up. I did, took him everywhere he needed to go, bought him food and we went home. We were on the sofa watching tv and he was rubbing my feet. When he stopped i tried to give him a shoulder rub but I was too hard and hurt him accidentally. He tried to hurt me back to "show me" but i pushed him off because he is really heavy handed. It was a genuine accident. I was just trying to do something nice. Anyway, he completely lost it and spat in my face. I was in complete shock and started crying. I had a cigarette in my hand so went in the kitchen to get away from him and he pushed the sofa at me, cutting one of my toes. Then he followed me around the house shouting at me. I didnt even really understand what I had done. this just kept getting worse and worse until he eventually snapped and said he didnt give a f*ck about me and didnt even know if he loved me any more. I have been up all night crying and I just feel alone.

I dont want to not be with him but he does this to me so much. he is like jekyll and hyde and when he is bad, he is so bad. He says so many terrible things to me. and he doesnt listen. I have to text him a bit later if I have anything to say and its breaking my heart. When he lost his job in october he sunk into depression and i made him go see a doctor. He met a 'mental health nurse' in a pub - i am dubious - because apparently she told him im his trigger. I have enough knowledge of the mental health system to know a professional wouldnt put the blame on someone else after 10 minutes in a pub. Especially not when he is exactly the same with his son.

He has all of these female friends and most of them i get on with but he also tries to make me feel jealous about them. tells me he would rather go out with them than me. he has more fun with them. HE constantly likes pictures of girls in their underwear online. He doesnt care that it bothers me.

I dont know what i want the outcome to be. I do love him. but i also wonder if I am just scared of being single again and having to go through all of this again at 34.

His niceness towards you was just an act designed to draw you in, you are now seeing his true abusive nature. Abuse as well is about power and control, this person wants absolute and his behaviours as well are escalating.

What did you yourself learn about relationships when growing up?. I would also second the Freedom programme recommendation; you need that badly.

What is there to love about him exactly, this is in no way a mutually loving and respectful relationship. There is nothing good in this relationship for you. Are you confusing love with codependency?.

If you were to further examine it as well these so called good times you've had with him have likely and only been on his own terms. There are no more good times to be had with him now, this man simply wants to drag you down with him.

Please get him out of your home asap; he has really no rights to be there at all. He is using you for what he can get from you, that is his sole purpose for him being there as well as to abuse you as and when he feels like it.

I am literally just sat here crying and chain smoking.

It sounds like your family of origin taught you a lot of damaging crap about relationships with the result also being that you've gone from one crap relationship into yet another one. The Freedom Programme can help you unlearn some of the rubbish you have learnt about relationships along the way.

You left your last relationship because you were unhappy with your ex which is actually more than a good enough reason to leave. You only need to give your own self permission to leave a relationship anyway and your family as well did not live with him. Your family of origin may have sided with him because in him they saw a kindred spirit.

You need to now break away from this man who has wormed his way into your home.

Please get him out of your life now. Change the locks and bag up all his stuff. No-one has a right to treat you this way. If you are concerned about his re-action, please talk to the police. This really could spiral up and it is potentially dangerous for you to be together.

Is it your house OP? I'm assuming if he doesn't work at all or much that you are financially solvent on your own?

As someone who is in a similar situation with a jekyll & hyde partner I can only advise you to cut your losses NOW. I'm now stuck with his debts, assets in joint names, a child and I am working my way through a long term plan to get out.

If your name and your name only is on the lease or the deeds then kick him out. Pack his bags for him, tell him it's over. Get a male relative to come over and be backup if you think he might get aggressive or violent. If you haven't got one I would seriously consider the police. Change the locks. Do not let him come back. Change your phone number/email, block him on facebook, the works. He is treating you like shit and please believe me when I say if I was in your position instead of mine I would be gone. 34 is not too old to start again- fucking hell meghan markle is 37- you could marry a prince yet!
Love should be based on mutual respect, not fear. I honestly really do understand every single thing you're scared of, but please do not think this is all you're worth.

“... but i also wonder if I am just scared of being single again and having to go through all of this again at 34.”

It’s a better alternanative than staying with that prick

Dry your eyes and stop smoking. Get angry and help yourself more positively instead of doing such behaviours which are not going to help you in the long run.

Chuck his associated stuff out and start rebuilding your own life through contacting Womens Aid. Make your 34th year on Planet Earth a lot bloody happier for you from now on by also loving your own self for a change.

The person you love isn't real, its an act he puts on to make you forgive him. He knows it works now and his bad behaviour is escalating. He is not capable of loving you because he is damaged and not capable of loving anyone. Call the police and report the violence, change your locks and black his number etc. If he turns up call the police and most importantly tell your family or friends, he needs you to keep quiet as that enables him to continue. Safer places/womans aid would also be able to help.

I know how pathetic it makes me sound but its just so hard. After he spit in my face I ended up apologising. I went from upset to angry to hysterical and all the way around again. He just kept bringing up every little bad thing that has happened in our past. Things that I havent even done... like the fact he is convinced I am jealous of every girl he talks to and I wont let him go out. I have never ever stopped him from doing anything. He just doesnt have the get go to do anything and most his friends cant be arsed with him. I have never been a jealous or crazy girlfriend - all my relationships have been good and come to a natural end, Ive never been in anuything like before. And I know how pathetic i sound by wanting it to work, i really do. if it was one of my friends I would be there dragging them out by their hair and making them see sense.

Better to be on your own OP than to be as badly accompanied as you have been to date. You were not put here to be abused by this man and you need time and space to heal properly and that will take time. The last thing you need right now going forward is yet another abusive relationship.

You are an educated woman. read your posts as if an anonymous poster had written it and see what your judgement call would be.

I get its hard to get out of abusive relationships but to not even realise you need to get out?????

As a teacher how do deal with bullies in the classroom?

Surely being single is better than being abused? One day you will find a man worthy of you - because you are worth being loved and respected op.

He's depressed? Really? Nope. He's a leech and he's going to ruin your life before he's finished. He's a user, a useless lazy user. He's abusive. He's going to go nowhere unless you get rid. Ignore what he says, he won't walk away from you, he has no job, no money no intention of cutting off his supply line.

Wait for him to go out, bag his stuff, change the locks and ring the police if necessary. Or you could be very brave and report the spitting as assault. That is what it is.

The house is mine. Part of me wonders if he using me. Up until recently he had a low paid job or no job and paid very little. In the last month he got a decent job and I asked him to pay half and now every time we argue he brings it up, that he could live somewhere nicer and he is basically paying for my life.

I dont think he would get violent. He is aggressive but i know if he hit me he couldnt play the victim and people would see what he really is. HE hates that. He gets angry if I ever talk to my friends about whats going on because he doesnt want them to know what he is like.

There is nothing here to work on; he is abusive in nature and the longer you stay together the worse it will be for you. I would read this as well by Dr Joe Carver re The Loser:-
www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

You apologising to him shows me as well how absolutely low your boundaries in relationships are. This makes you amongst other factors more vulnerable to be attractive to such types. It is a scary prospect to get him out of your home but better short term argument for long term gain i.e. a more confident you both on the inside and outside. Surely you think you are worth that.

And the reason for him trying to demoralise you is because he knows you are better than him, too good for him. He knows it, why don't you.

i genuinely dont know what I am worth any more. I love my job so much and he even uses that against me. telling me i shouldnt be tired, that I am like an old lady, that he doesnt want to hear about the stuff that happens at work.

He's physically and emotionally abusive. He hates you. Kick him out and block him.

i know how pathetic i sound. i really do :(

I dont think he would get violent.

He already is.

How old is his son? If he is likecthis with him perhaps SS should be involved?

Oh, just seen your update, so he has a job. Even better. You should have no qualms and no guilt about putting him out.

There are decent men out there. You don't have to live like this.

He targeted you and has used you throughout your entire relationship to exploit you to his own ends.

I would not also put it past him re not eventually use physical force against you. What he is doing now works because he has you cowered and in control of you. When that no longer works for him then he could well hit you to assert his control over you. He will destroy you in the end and he is your common or garden abusive man; he is working to the script here and the nice/nasty cycle is a continuous one.

Jesus Christ ..he's an abuser and he's destroying you psychologically to the point where you can't even recognise the abuse or you minimise it.
I get really tired of watching women go through this time and time again, they are told time and time again to get out...you are actually in a better position than most because he's in your house! Throw his shit in the street and change the locks and never ever look back!

He is not above projecting his own stuff onto you either; you are basically paying for his life. Such men as well hate women, all of them.

People like this only get worse. He is eroding your confidence, physically and emotionally abusive and you also mention I think that he is the same with his son!

I don’t know what you wish us your future if you want to have children but can you imagine this man treating a child of yours like he is you and your son ? And he will do this.
I would take advantage of the fact he is going on about leaving and agree with him that it’s for the best. I’m getting from your post that if he doesn’t think he is holding the power then it will be more difficult.
This is not normal OP, please keep telling yourself that and def have a chat with Women’s Aid.