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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to find out if he is lying

112 replies

Pomeranio9834 · 21/02/2018 20:03

I will preface this by saying I am not looking for pages upon pages of "LTB! HE'S OBVIOUSLY CHEATING ON YOU". At the end of the day, we have a generally good relationship and I'm not going to throw it all away for something that might not even be an issue.

Basically, I logged into DPs emails for a legitimate reason, and saw that he had ordered a STI test from an online pharmacy. Now I committed problem number one which was immediately messaging him and asking if he had something to tell me. I should have kept quiet and see if he mentioned it.

So he phones and tells me (again, I know this would be the first excuse anybody would use, but still) it's not for him. It is for his apprentice at work who had gone home with somebody at the weekend and was worried. To embarrassed to go to the clinic (he is only 17) and his mum controls his bank account (This is actually true - has come up in conversation way before) so couldn't order it himself.

DP swears blind it's not for him, when would he have had the time (true), wouldn't do that to me, certainly wouldn't still be having sex with me if he thought he had something, why would he bother when if he wanted to go shag other people he would just move back to his own place and call it a day, he would have deleted the email if he was trying to hide it etc.

I have pointed out that if the test comes back positive, the prescription will be in his name and therefore he will have to collect it etc.

SO. I am inclined to believe his story. BUT the seed of doubt has now been firmly planted unfortunately.

Can any mumsnet geniuses help me work out any way I can possibly find out if this is a lie because I can't think of anything.

Again, please no pages upon pages of has definitely cheating on you because it's not helpful and will just wind me into a hateful rage and I might end up murdering him when he comes through to bed, Which if it is all true will be a bit if a shame really.

Plus, the final nail in the coffin is he was complaining of a sore testicle last week (Is that even a symptom of an STI?!?!) but was very open about it and let me have a poke around and feel etc but now combined with the above has just added fuel to the fire.

OP posts:
Changedname3456 · 21/02/2018 20:12

I’m not aware of any STIs that lead to a sore testicle (but I’m not a doctor).

The apprentice bit sounds feasible, although ultimately unnecessary as the local GUM clinic would have done it for him (or your husband) anonymously.

I do think it’s more likely he’d have deleted the email if it was for himself - why would you leave that around as a hostage to fortune, particularly if you know your DP has access to your email?

If there’s unlikely to have been opportunity, and nothing else has prompted you to be suspicious, then I’d probably believe him.

Thefutureisbright2017 · 21/02/2018 20:14

Dig deeper if you suspect hes playing around. Check his phone. Internet history etc... I found screeds of stuff, not very well concealed (or so he thought Hmm)

dirtybadger · 21/02/2018 20:15

As above. And I cant see how you can find out if hes lying, but his story is plausible and logical.

dirtybadger · 21/02/2018 20:16

Obviously if its positive and you find a treatment hidden away in a weeks time...yknow its a lie.

Fosterdog123 · 21/02/2018 20:16

Do you use condoms? Do you have any symptoms of any kind?

FabbyChix · 21/02/2018 20:17

No chance an sti will show up in days would I would reckon have to wait a few weeks

Dvg · 21/02/2018 20:20

Honestly sounds sketchy, and my partner has thought he had an sti because he had achy balls XD

Original poster
Pomeranio9834 · 21/02/2018 20:20

I have done the usual digging, nothing suspicious on phone or location on Snapchat etc...

We don't use condoms (I am on the pill) and I don't have any symptoms of anything, though I know a lot of these things can be symptomless.

I do really want to believe his story and on the surface I do... I just kind of wanted a way of knowing for certain. But unless a positive result comes in (it will email him the result I believe) and then I have go to the clinic and tested positive as well I don't have any way of being 100%.

And I know what I would saying my friend was asking for my advice.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pomeranio9834 · 21/02/2018 20:22

He did also say he told his apprentice that it's recommended to wait a minimum of 2 weeks before testing and his apprentice wanted him to order it just now anyway and he will hold onto it until the start of next week

OP posts:
Prettylovely · 21/02/2018 20:22

I believe chlamydia can give men pain in their testicles..

NextIndia · 21/02/2018 20:24

He has cheated. Wake up woman!

ThisLittleKitty · 21/02/2018 20:25

I wouldn't believe the work apprentice thing. Seems like a lie to me so I don't blame you for being suspicious.

NextIndia · 21/02/2018 20:26

If there was any truth in his ridiculous story, then don't you think he might have mentioned it in advance? Please go and have yourself tested.

NextIndia · 21/02/2018 20:29

So many lying, cunty men and bloody gullible (no offence, I was one too) women who deserve better. Sigh.

Mammysin · 21/02/2018 20:30

Get yourself tested. Insist your husband is tested too. He shouldn't have a problem with that, right?

DontBuyANewMumCashmere · 21/02/2018 20:31

Next you don't actually know he has cheated...

It's an extremely unlikely scenario that a 17yo apprentice would rather ask his boss for an STI kit than ask literally anyone else in the universe but unless he's been out recently or stayed away for business or there is any evidence then you can't conclude just on this order that he's cheated.

I think if my DH had to do this he probably would have told me in case I found out and assumed it was for him.
Could your DH/you message this lad saying 'I've ordered that kit' or something like that and see what the response is?

AnyFucker · 21/02/2018 20:33

Go and get yourself tested

Don't be a passenger in your own life.

Original poster
Pomeranio9834 · 21/02/2018 20:35

Sorry to be clear, my DP isn't his boss specifically. DP is a tradesperson and he gets places on jobs to mentor this apprentice etc but not his boss.

Like the text idea @don't... might go and suggest this to him and hope he understands and doesn't think I'm going mad (I might be)

OP posts:
NextIndia · 21/02/2018 20:35

No, we don't know, but we know, don't we? Well those of us who have been there do.

43percentburnt · 21/02/2018 20:40

I also find it hard to believe a 17 year old would ask his boss to order an STI kit on line.

I think I would want him (dh) to attend a clinic and I have no idea how he gets the results but I'd want to see them.

Also get yourself tested.

FogCutter · 21/02/2018 20:40

It would not be usual for an employee (apprentice or not) to confide in their manager about the fact they may have an STI and then get the boss to order a test. It's just too personal and not at all work related.

And I say that as an experienced people manager (including apprentices).

So, how can you find out if he's lying? I don't think you can really, you can't get absolute proof so you just need to either trust him or not trust him. And get yourself an STI test.

gingergenius · 21/02/2018 20:45

My exH claimed he was logged into an adult chat site on behalf of his friend because his friend 'wasn't getting any at Home' so he'd set up the account in his name.

Wasn't true.

Not going to say ltb because I didn't (well not until 10 years later) but I'm still suspicious of your DH's story, but I get that comes from a place of mistrust!

ThirdTimeUnlucky · 21/02/2018 20:58

OMG. If what he said was true then he would have told you about it before hand surely? The packet will come to your address in the post. I know as I've ordered an STI kit on-line myself. He's a chancer and he got caught. He's used the apprentice as a plausible excuse. Why would he risk his marriage ordering for someone else without telling you first? Surely he must know how damming this looks!!
Also, there is a possible chance this is all innocent and he was worried he had got something, off you? No offence meant. Maybe he wanted to get checked out before he confronted you.
You having found out about it and confronted him has brought it out, which he was not bargaining on, hence the apprentice excuse.
Sorry, don't buy it. Not going to say LTB. I think you need to bide your time and wait and see. Hope it's all innocent.

Mulberrybaby · 21/02/2018 21:03

Get your partner to text the lad referring to the test... something like, I’ve got the test results or do you have any symptoms yet.
This way you will have a pretty good idea watching your partners reaction to your request, then you will get the confirmation needed to hopefully put your concerns to bed.

Willswife · 21/02/2018 21:11

If somebody asked my husband to do that he'd either say no or tell me about it first (& then probably ask me to order it)!

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