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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to find out if he is lying

112 replies

Pomeranio9834 · 21/02/2018 20:03

I will preface this by saying I am not looking for pages upon pages of "LTB! HE'S OBVIOUSLY CHEATING ON YOU". At the end of the day, we have a generally good relationship and I'm not going to throw it all away for something that might not even be an issue.

Basically, I logged into DPs emails for a legitimate reason, and saw that he had ordered a STI test from an online pharmacy. Now I committed problem number one which was immediately messaging him and asking if he had something to tell me. I should have kept quiet and see if he mentioned it.

So he phones and tells me (again, I know this would be the first excuse anybody would use, but still) it's not for him. It is for his apprentice at work who had gone home with somebody at the weekend and was worried. To embarrassed to go to the clinic (he is only 17) and his mum controls his bank account (This is actually true - has come up in conversation way before) so couldn't order it himself.

DP swears blind it's not for him, when would he have had the time (true), wouldn't do that to me, certainly wouldn't still be having sex with me if he thought he had something, why would he bother when if he wanted to go shag other people he would just move back to his own place and call it a day, he would have deleted the email if he was trying to hide it etc.

I have pointed out that if the test comes back positive, the prescription will be in his name and therefore he will have to collect it etc.

SO. I am inclined to believe his story. BUT the seed of doubt has now been firmly planted unfortunately.

Can any mumsnet geniuses help me work out any way I can possibly find out if this is a lie because I can't think of anything.

Again, please no pages upon pages of has definitely cheating on you because it's not helpful and will just wind me into a hateful rage and I might end up murdering him when he comes through to bed, Which if it is all true will be a bit if a shame really.

Plus, the final nail in the coffin is he was complaining of a sore testicle last week (Is that even a symptom of an STI?!?!) but was very open about it and let me have a poke around and feel etc but now combined with the above has just added fuel to the fire.

OP posts:
Karigan1 · 22/02/2018 08:06

Yeah I’m not as suspicious as the others as genuinely helping a kid out in such a way is the kind of stupid thing my partner would do. It’s good he told you about it.

Also sore testicles I’m told are fairly common lol. Apparently ‘righty’ gets quite sensitive but it’s just one of those things that can happen. I have no doubt whatsoever my partner is not cheating. Can’t even imagine it the way he is.

I think I’d just monitor and if pills appear that he takes then kick him in the balls and ltb ;)

Angelf1sh · 22/02/2018 08:07

And to those saying “coming up with a decent lie that quickly is hard” a) it’s for a mate is not a decent lie, it’s what everyone says when caught with stuff they shouldn’t have and b) most people tell that lie to parents, teachers etc as a kid and so that lie would be very well versed and come very quickly.

Anyway, I obviously don’t know your DH OP so I’ve no idea, but as I said before I do think you should get tested to be safe.

SandyY2K · 22/02/2018 08:09

I think I’d just monitor and if pills appear that he takes then kick him in the balls and ltb

He's hardly going to leave the pills around for her to see is he?

iBiscuit · 22/02/2018 08:21

Alonso experience here also of trades apprentices, and I find the story completely believable.

I can imagine doing similar myself for a young person (niece, apprentice, friend of my own children).

Sarahh2014 · 22/02/2018 08:29

It's easily possible that if he did have something it could be from someone before you and he's now panicking because of physical symptoms.If this is the case though he should have got himself checked before putting you at risk

PumpernickleInaWarehouse · 22/02/2018 08:48

To be fair although this sounds unvelieveable I actually ordered a DNA testing kit for a friend to my house in my name etc....
Me and dp have 3 children so it could have looked terrible and unbelievable if he had found it.
It does happen!

hellsbellsmelons · 22/02/2018 09:09

Please get yourself to your local GUM or SHAW clinic and get tested for everything.
Do that this week.
I've no idea if it's a cover story.
This is YOU and YOUR life.
But please get tested asap.
That might put your mind at rest for a while.

Shnazzyshot · 22/02/2018 10:13

My DH works with tradesmen/apprentices and I can definitely believe this story. Some of the stuff DH tells me about the stuff people at his work talk about/get up to, is unbelievable. Possible stis would definitely be a normal topic of conversation.

The 'banter' is completely different to what you'd have in an office environment. In time I've known DH he's worked for three different companies and they've all been the same.

Cockmagic · 22/02/2018 10:16

Sorry but he's cheating op.

Bluebelle38 · 22/02/2018 10:20

We don't know if he had prewarned the young guy. He may well have assumed his story wouldn't be questioned.Also, if he tells the lad to back up his story, the fact he has cheated is now "out there".

I'd have still said ring and put him on speaker and listened to the conversation. You'd pick up quickly if it was not a straight forward conversation.

Loonyluna16 · 22/02/2018 10:30

As a pp poster has said tradesmen/building sites are strange places. My DP is a roofer and some of the story's or conversations he tells me about from onsite are mad. This is something my DP boss would do for the guys. I don't know what it is about building sites but they get strangely close. Id be inclined to believe him tbh. Hope your ok though and your mind gets put to rest Flowers

Loonyluna16 · 22/02/2018 10:32

Ps about the sore testicle.. get him to the docs. My DP also had a sore one and it turned out to be a cyst inside v v sore. Still has a lump there to thus day we call his third ball 😂

DecisionTree · 22/02/2018 10:36

Order another test - in his name - and ask him to use it.

BitOutOfPractice · 22/02/2018 10:39

Hmm. He's worried about his sore ball and has ordered a test. Sorry, this stinks to high heaven to me. (I've had a DP do a test "out of curiosity" Hmm who turned out to be cheating so that may either colour my view or make me a bit wiser, you decide which)

isthismylifenow · 22/02/2018 10:49

In answer to you thread question, the only way unfortunately is to go get yourself tested too. I cannot see how asking the boy is going to help the situation, as if your DP is lying, the kid will have been prepped after your first message to your DP after finding the email.

At first, I didn't think too much of it, a boy asking an older colleague for some assistance, not in itself too suspicious. But the painful testicle, just seems a bit suspect when this is a side effect of the very thing he is ordering a test for.

And if he was going to order something like this, I think normal practice for a partner would be, prior to ordering.... to send a message to say something like, oh if you see x amount going to to Boots or if you see an email from xx, its just something I am ordering for Fred. How did he seem after you brought it up? Was he shocked that you knew? (I found out loads of thing via email that my ex had no clue he was email subscribed to)

So, none of us can really answer the question, we don't know he is lying and neither do you. I just hope he isn't.

iBiscuit · 22/02/2018 11:49

Not that this is OP's concern, but in some situations a lad like this apprentice would rather fabricate a suspected STI than be ribbed for being a virgin.

As a couple of others have said, sites aren't like the working environments most of us are used to.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 22/02/2018 18:59

What happened op? Did he text the apprentice

Thebluedog · 22/02/2018 19:40

My dp said you should make up a letter from the clinic saying they’d found something, and he needed to go in for further tests, give a time and date and address, post it to your dp and see if he goes for the appointment

Original poster
Pomeranio9834 · 22/02/2018 19:50

I am back! Been a busy bee today!

Yes, he text the apprentice saying "your test came, want me to take it in tomorrow?" And he replied almost immediately saying "yeah thnx again".

Yes, he could have briefed him beforehand, true.

I've done some major digging today (apparently his email account tracks EVERYTHING he does on his phone and tells you where he's been and for how long - who knew!) And there was absolutely nothing untoward at all. I even went full crazy and downloaded his Snapchat archive thing and nothing there either.

There's no way he would have a 3rd phone. He has his phone and his work phone (both of which were in the bedroom when he went to the toilet (and he was definitely using the toilet - unfortunately I heard!))

I will go and get myself tested to be safe and look after myself but I do believe him.

As often happens on mumsnet, without full context things have been taken out of place. He wasn't suddenly all about the future last night, but I've really seen a change in him over the last year or so being more committed and focused on the future etc and he just confirmed last night that he does want this for the long run.

With no other reason to be suspicious, no weird locations on his phone history or app usage I'm going with the benefit of the doubt.

It also seems as though he hasn't been logging in to track the package (according to his phone Brower history), which if he was worried surely he would have been?

He's happy for me to get tested at the clinic and offered to come too if it would make me feel better.

I think the testicle pain was just bad timing. He told me about it and make me feel it (there does seem to be a small lump there- and he has a GP appointment for that next week). If he suspected an STI - would he not have kept quiet?!

The test came today and the apprentice came and picked it up (yes, I suppose that could have been for show) as he just lives round the corner and he looked mortified and muttered an apology as DP told him tofay it didn't actually come yesterday and I made him text him Grin

I am waffling now. I do think he was telling the truth. As PPs said, it's not that unusual for building site behaviour and I must say (though many seem to disagree) at just turned 18 I would have rather paid for and ordered a test online than face the "embarassment (as it seems back then) of going to a clinic and speaking to a human being!!!! I was still embarrassed asking my mum for pads at that age Confused

So there we are. Keep an eye out for me and please no I told you so if this comes back to bite me.

OP posts:
ColourfulOrangex · 22/02/2018 19:56

So glad it all seems ok OP :)

Fosterdog123 · 22/02/2018 20:05

If you ever need to come back here, there will be absolutely no 'told you so's'. Best of luck OP and I wish you a long and happy relationship with your OH ❤️

gingergenius · 22/02/2018 20:11

Wishing you the happiest and most uneventful (at least from an MN perspective) marriages ever OP x

hellsbellsmelons · 22/02/2018 20:29

So glad it seems ok.
I'm sure it will all be fine.
Well done tackling it.
Many wouldn't have.

Thebluedog · 22/02/2018 21:24

Glad it’s sorted OP

Mulberrybaby · 22/02/2018 21:33

So pleased for you sweetheart 😘

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