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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to find out if he is lying

112 replies

Pomeranio9834 · 21/02/2018 20:03

I will preface this by saying I am not looking for pages upon pages of "LTB! HE'S OBVIOUSLY CHEATING ON YOU". At the end of the day, we have a generally good relationship and I'm not going to throw it all away for something that might not even be an issue.

Basically, I logged into DPs emails for a legitimate reason, and saw that he had ordered a STI test from an online pharmacy. Now I committed problem number one which was immediately messaging him and asking if he had something to tell me. I should have kept quiet and see if he mentioned it.

So he phones and tells me (again, I know this would be the first excuse anybody would use, but still) it's not for him. It is for his apprentice at work who had gone home with somebody at the weekend and was worried. To embarrassed to go to the clinic (he is only 17) and his mum controls his bank account (This is actually true - has come up in conversation way before) so couldn't order it himself.

DP swears blind it's not for him, when would he have had the time (true), wouldn't do that to me, certainly wouldn't still be having sex with me if he thought he had something, why would he bother when if he wanted to go shag other people he would just move back to his own place and call it a day, he would have deleted the email if he was trying to hide it etc.

I have pointed out that if the test comes back positive, the prescription will be in his name and therefore he will have to collect it etc.

SO. I am inclined to believe his story. BUT the seed of doubt has now been firmly planted unfortunately.

Can any mumsnet geniuses help me work out any way I can possibly find out if this is a lie because I can't think of anything.

Again, please no pages upon pages of has definitely cheating on you because it's not helpful and will just wind me into a hateful rage and I might end up murdering him when he comes through to bed, Which if it is all true will be a bit if a shame really.

Plus, the final nail in the coffin is he was complaining of a sore testicle last week (Is that even a symptom of an STI?!?!) but was very open about it and let me have a poke around and feel etc but now combined with the above has just added fuel to the fire.

OP posts:
Thebluedog · 21/02/2018 22:05

Why didn’t the apprentice got to the GU clinic? It can be anonymous and he’d not have had to order a test or access a bank account.

As for proving it, I don’t know. You could ring and talk to the apprentice but this could be seriously embarrassing if it’s true.

People have mentioned a 2nd phone but if he’s clued up enough for that, he’d hardly use his usual email address to order a test.

ToHullAndBack · 21/02/2018 22:07

Always trust your gut instinct op, it's rarely wrong.

sourpatchkid · 21/02/2018 22:09

I've worked with tradespeople before too and it sounds perfectly plausible to me.

Thing is OP, mumsnet won't be able to help. More than half will say he's cheating, some will say he isn't. One set of us is wrong.

I assume if he has cheated and he has an STI he will stop having sex with you?

aRespectableBureaudeChange · 21/02/2018 22:09

Well if it is an STI and only treats himself then you'd pass it back to him surely? You'd both need treatment for STI possibly? You would need checking.

Wouldn't buy the whole excuse of doing it for a colleague.

loveyoutothemoon · 21/02/2018 22:09

STI checks are so easy these days at an STI clinic, you do it yourself in the loo and pass it to the nurse. This story sounds so unlikely, and him going off to the loo before texting him is odd. He's probably now warned the lad, so there's no way of finding out if it's a lie. A sore testicle is def a symptom of an STI. If it was me, I wouldn't believe him.

Poshsausage · 21/02/2018 22:36

I was inclined to believe his tale

Except he can’t go to a gum clinic in case he gets seen but a single bloke can quite easily . He has more reason to order on line than a guy who can go to a clinic .
Except it has to come through the post I suppose

Paperdoll16 · 21/02/2018 22:59

An online STI test ordered but not mentioned for a friend! Hmm

Sore testicles the week prior to ordering!

Since discovery, the non committal guy is now serious about your future. Confused

There is more to come I'm afraid..

SandyY2K · 21/02/2018 23:05

I never knew they did these online.

If I was him...I'd have got the apprentice to back me up as soon as you questioned him about it....just in case you asked him.

As far as where would he find the time...anyone who wants to cheat will find the time.

Why would a skint apprentice spend money on a test...when he could get it done free in any number of clinics.

Fianceechickie · 21/02/2018 23:14

Sorry this would ring alarm bells for me. My DH would def tell me if he's agreed to do that for someone, if only because he wouldn't want me to get the wrong idea! How long have you been together? Could he have an STD from before he met you? Herpes for example can lie dormant. Surely self test is only for some STIs? Think it's chlamydia mainly?

bubblegumble · 21/02/2018 23:18

I asked my DH and he said he'd believe his story.

My DH is the kind of person who would come home saying "you'll never guess what I had to do today"

Mrstobe90 · 21/02/2018 23:21

I'd tell him that you're going to the clinic to get tested and see how he reacts. If the test was for him, I'm guessing he'd be nervous if he thought you might have caught something.

123lookatme · 21/02/2018 23:34

Didnt mention it to you in passing.
Aching testicles a week before which worried him.
Sti kit orded.
Now wants to commit.
Wow staring you in the face...

aftertheevent · 21/02/2018 23:38

Definately lying IMO.

Symptomatic the week before.
Ordered test.
Found out.
Now bigging up future... huge red flag. If he was innocent he wouldnt feel the need to do this.

Locking himself in loo.

He ia lying.

LunchBoxPolice · 22/02/2018 01:45

Google says chlamydia and gonorrhoea can cause sore testicles.

halfwitpicker · 22/02/2018 01:55

I call bullshit on this one.

MrsDrSpencerReid · 22/02/2018 02:34

I could believe the apprentice story, my DH has had loads of apprentices and always comes home with “kids these days Hmm” stories. There’s definitely been times where one has told of a dilemma they’re in and he’s offered advice.

However, he would’ve told me before he’d done it and tbh he probably would’ve had to ask me how to go about getting him one Grin

The ‘serious about our future now’ and the sore testicle are the parts that set alarm bells off for me, not the apprentice story.

Only you know your DP, go with what your gut is telling you.

Bluebelle38 · 22/02/2018 03:10

I also think he is lying. He could have rang the lad immediately and spoke to him in front of you (let him know ge got confirmation email or something).

I'm also dubious when women say "I'm with him all the time, he wouldn't have the opportunity". As a tradesman is he in people's houses? Does he meet the general public?

If he works away from home, he has ample opportunity.

Angelf1sh · 22/02/2018 04:29

Doesn’t sound remotely credible to me. If I were you, I’d get my own test.

I’m not sure why people were telling you to speak to the apprentice because if your OH is lying then the first thing he’d have done was to ensure his story was backed up. He was at work when you let on you knew and he had hours to get it straight.

Angelf1sh · 22/02/2018 04:32

Ultimately, short of you having a positive test result that you definitely know was negative before this relationship started, I don’t see how you can “prove” he was lying. Really you either trust him or you don’t. The fact that you’re here suggests to me that you don’t.

Reddlion · 22/02/2018 04:39

forstlt because someone is your partner doesn't mean you don't get tested I have no idea why people still have this belief they don't need to go you know most people who aren't born with hiv catch it from someone they were or thought they were in a long term relationship with

secondly if the lad went home with a girl on the weekend any results would take minim 2 - 3 weeks to show up so why get the test now it's pointless

you would think the second point is common sense to adults
so yeah he is lying

LeslieKnopefan · 22/02/2018 04:43

I think if this is the only thing and he isn’t acting different in any other way I would tend to think the story makes sense to be honest.

Also coming up with a decent lie quickly isn’t that easy.

Maybe just see how he is around his phone over the next few weeks, does he take it everywhere with him etc?

But I generally think all is ok :)

LittleMyLikesSnuffkin · 22/02/2018 04:52

The test is essentially “for a mate”. I think most people when finding an STD testing kit in their partner’s belongings would assume the worst. Many would possibly end the relationship there and then. That’s a big risk to take “for a mate” when the mate could just as easily buy the test themselves or go and get tested at a clinic for free and not tell anyone.

Honestly? Get yourself tested and be very very wary of him.

Bluebelle38 · 22/02/2018 07:32

Angelfish, if she'd confronted him at home and immediately said ring apprentice, she'd know. He wouldn't have any chance to ring and warn him. Did he even offer to ring the lad? I'd of thought it would be the first thing he'd do (even if he had spoke to lad in advance).

If this relationship is on the rocks, which it is, he's done sweet fa to alleviate his partner's concerns. Id be going to the lad myself (on the quiet) and seeing what he says.

SandyY2K · 22/02/2018 08:01

Also coming up with a decent lie quickly isn’t that easy.

You'd be surprised how easy it is for many people to do this.

Maybe just see how he is around his phone over the next few weeks, does he take it everywhere with him etc?

A burner phone will solve this. So not being glued to his phone would mean zilch.

Angelf1sh · 22/02/2018 08:03

Yes Bluebelle then she would have but that isn’t what happened. She waited for him to get home and then asked to call him, so there was plenty of time to get the story straight. It was far too late to tell her to call him when everybody started saying do it.