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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to find out if he is lying

112 replies

Pomeranio9834 · 21/02/2018 20:03

I will preface this by saying I am not looking for pages upon pages of "LTB! HE'S OBVIOUSLY CHEATING ON YOU". At the end of the day, we have a generally good relationship and I'm not going to throw it all away for something that might not even be an issue.

Basically, I logged into DPs emails for a legitimate reason, and saw that he had ordered a STI test from an online pharmacy. Now I committed problem number one which was immediately messaging him and asking if he had something to tell me. I should have kept quiet and see if he mentioned it.

So he phones and tells me (again, I know this would be the first excuse anybody would use, but still) it's not for him. It is for his apprentice at work who had gone home with somebody at the weekend and was worried. To embarrassed to go to the clinic (he is only 17) and his mum controls his bank account (This is actually true - has come up in conversation way before) so couldn't order it himself.

DP swears blind it's not for him, when would he have had the time (true), wouldn't do that to me, certainly wouldn't still be having sex with me if he thought he had something, why would he bother when if he wanted to go shag other people he would just move back to his own place and call it a day, he would have deleted the email if he was trying to hide it etc.

I have pointed out that if the test comes back positive, the prescription will be in his name and therefore he will have to collect it etc.

SO. I am inclined to believe his story. BUT the seed of doubt has now been firmly planted unfortunately.

Can any mumsnet geniuses help me work out any way I can possibly find out if this is a lie because I can't think of anything.

Again, please no pages upon pages of has definitely cheating on you because it's not helpful and will just wind me into a hateful rage and I might end up murdering him when he comes through to bed, Which if it is all true will be a bit if a shame really.

Plus, the final nail in the coffin is he was complaining of a sore testicle last week (Is that even a symptom of an STI?!?!) but was very open about it and let me have a poke around and feel etc but now combined with the above has just added fuel to the fire.

OP posts:
GameChanger01 · 21/02/2018 21:13

Words fail me

Seriously if the 17 year old wanted to get tested he could have gone to GUM clinic anonymously and most kits will be sent to you in the same way.

Secondly what does his bank account have to do with it? I thought all this stuff was free even the medication as I've used these services myself

AlwaysPondering · 21/02/2018 21:13

What Mulberrybaby said. Do it OP!

Cricrichan · 21/02/2018 21:13

It's highly unlikely that the 17 year old would have asked him to do it. The boy probably has lots of friends he could have asked or checked online and gone to the clinic.

ColourfulOrangex · 21/02/2018 21:21

I agree with PPs ego said to text the lad, your best way of finding out

ColourfulOrangex · 21/02/2018 21:21

Sorry like PPs have said*

isadoradancing123 · 21/02/2018 21:32

The aching testicle would be a very big red flag for me

Skittlesandbeer · 21/02/2018 21:34

Mulberry has the right idea.

Frankly I’d go further and insist on speaking to the lad myself, with no time to concoct a story. If the lad is so willing to discuss these things with his boss, he needs to be fine with any fallout from that ‘help’. A bit more awkwardness might even do him good in the long run. Clearly he’s used to being answerable to his mum.

I would be fairly matter of fact about it with both of them- no dramatics. Just explain briefly that he’ll learn as he gets older that a hubby buying STI kits is something that needs further explanation. Always has, always will. If the lad confirms the story (believably) then smile at them both, thank them and move on.

Accept no sulking or ‘high-horsing’ from your DH. Tell him you’d be perfectly willing to be transparent with these things, when the shoe is on the other foot one day.

Original poster
Pomeranio9834 · 21/02/2018 21:36

His phone is dead (true - I checked). He has gone to use the toilet (minus phone which is on charge next to me) and will text him when he comes back through. He wasn't fussed at the idea of messaging him and said he will do anything to prove he is telling the truth.

Just to clarify he is friendly with the apprentice snuck him drinks at the Christmas party and is not his boss, they do have site "banter" etc so are chummy so wouldn't be VERY unusual.

I also logged in to his emails only about 5 minutes after it had been ordered so he wouldn't have really had time to tell me as we were both at work. As said before, nothing unusual in his phone even checked his location history

I told him I was really struggling with it and he said he understands and promises it's not for him, he hasn't been sleeping with anyone else and wishes he could find a way to prove it so I brought up the "well you could text him..."

He also said that he's really focused on our future now, having had a habit for being a bit non-commital about future plans in the past. Spoke about how he's desperate to finish renovating his place so we can buy a place together and stuff.

I do believe him. More fool me if I'm starting another thread in 2 weeks time "DP gave me an STI... can we still share the car because I like that car and can't afford it by myself" Hmm

OP posts:
AlonsosLeftPinky · 21/02/2018 21:37

I work with lots of young apprentices in trades and I can very much believe the story. The relationship is completely different to more corporate type environments and I've heard and been part of very similar conversations.

Bluntness100 · 21/02/2018 21:40

I'd also think it more likely the lad would have asked a mate or googled it and found he could go to a clinic or even went to his doctor. I'm surprised he was knowledgeable enough to know you could order as your partner has and would ask a workmate who is more senior than him. Unusual behaviour. Kids usually sort this shit out amongst them.

I'd also say thr fsct he had a sore testicle would lead me to believe he's concerned and hence ordered the test.

I wouldn't involve the lad, he's prob warned him.

So yeah, on balance, I think I'd come down on he thinks he's caught something snd is having it checked.

Does that mean he's cheated? No. Definitely not.He might think you have. If he's clear then he will see his doctor about his sore testicle

gingergenius · 21/02/2018 21:41

Tbh @Pomeranio9834 it sounds like he's being honest from what you've said and at least you feel able to talk about it together without drama. Am sure it's all above board x

MikeUniformMike · 21/02/2018 21:42

If this was me, I'd believe my DP, but I'd be keeping an eye on him.

Bluntness100 · 21/02/2018 21:44

Oh just saw your update. So he's now wanting to get all serious on the future front.

Sorry, for me that's a sign of guilt.

mtpaektu · 21/02/2018 21:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

iMatter · 21/02/2018 21:48

He's messaging the apprentice from his second phone whilst he's in the loo to get the apprentice to back him up and send the appropriate reply.

Prettylovely · 21/02/2018 21:48

I agree with bluntness that was my thought too when I read what he said.

Laineymc7 · 21/02/2018 21:49

Sorry I was in your position once and wanted to believe what my ex was telling me. I wish I had trusted my gut feeling. You should trust yours. I would not believe his account. Defo get yourself tested to be on the safe side. X

battyscatty · 21/02/2018 21:51

I also agree with bluntness.

Spangles7 · 21/02/2018 21:52

And yes it's a symptom of chlamydia, my ex had an achey testicle. Are you sure the trip to the loo isn't stalling / delaying tactics while he frantically uses (his other phone) ipad/ smoke signals to prime the apprentice in advance?

gamerchick · 21/02/2018 21:54

Either way I’d be going for a screen anyway.

I had chlamydia once and the only symptom I got was a deep inside more irritating pain during sex. The dude I caught it from had an aching testicle.

Stop the conversations you’ll drive yourself mad. Just go get checked out.

ThisLittleKitty · 21/02/2018 21:54

I also agree with bluntness and think he's probably already warned the apprentice.

Whisky2014 · 21/02/2018 21:57

I'm sure you can go to the Dr and get a self sti check for free which you do at home and send away for. Or even go to a family planning clinic that also do it for free :s

Lovestonap · 21/02/2018 21:59

My very first thought was 'second phone'.

But daft things do happen and I hope this is true and you can laugh about it soon.

Dallia · 21/02/2018 21:59

Yes there’s loads of places where you can get an sti check for free.

If you are so excruciatingly embarrassed to do so then you can pay for one online to be sent to you. If this is the case you probably wouldn’t ask a colleague to order it for you.

Sorry OP but I wouldn’t believe a word of this.

Dallia · 21/02/2018 22:01

Also, these places don’t show “STI CHECK” On your bank account statement. It’s normally something like “R Pharmacy” or something which could easily be passed off as anything from a pharmacy - pain killers, shampoo, face wipes etc.

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