I feel bad, but im losing patience with my Mrs...

[DadPlaysItCool]

My partner seems to constantly be clashing with our 5(and a half) year old... She seems to think that he always responds to her with attitude, or he sounds miserable. Somewhat like a teenager i guess.
Im of the opinion that when he does this. it can be pretty normal for a kid his age. He definetley is NOT a miserable kid. But she clashes with him, ends up losing her rag with him. They get into an argument, and i step in. Or if im at work, i can almost time when my phone is going to ring, after shes dropped him to school, when she can tell me how he wasnt getting dressed, back chatting, etc etc...
she says "i dont see other kids talking like this" "he is miserable, and its driving me mad" Basically laying all responsibilty on his little shoulders... I approach him differently, and get vastly different results. She says "kids behave differently towards dads" which to some extent i agree with. But not totally. I feel that she has completely unrealistic expectations of what, and how a child should be acting etc. I think she sometimes treats him like an adult, instead of a kid.
I have said multiple times to try different methods, ways of approaching situations. Ive tried leading by example. Tried telling her to seek advice away from the home. We could look into parenting classes if she thinks it will help. Yet, the situation blows over, we carry on with life, and end up back in the same place. with little to no effort to change.... Just repeating the same behavior, expecting our child to just "change" ...
Its got to the point where now. When she comes to me to vent her frustrations, and talking bad about our kid. Im really struggling to not shout at her, or even be understanding towards it.
HELP! am i being unreasonable, is she right... Or do i need to need to actually demand she actually does something about it, rather than repeating the same cycle of sh*t.

I haven't read the full thread, but I think you are right to be concerned and your frustration is understandable. I was going to recommend some books - the pp beat me to it with "How to talk..." - fantastic book - but another one I would highly recommend is "Playful Parenting".

i also found tactile play, consciously making an effort to tickle DD, play horsey horsey, turn them upside down, twirl them around etc really helped to reset our connections.

I have to consciously remind myself how much children love that sort of silliness and how it helps the bond as, as an adult who spends most of my life reading, it doesn't come naturally anymore.

I haven't read all the comments, but maybe your wife could do with some Vitamin B complex, as well as all the rest.

My dd was five when I started taking Vitamin B. Within three weeks I found myself laughing at the same things that I had been chewing her head off for before.

The other thing is that (whether people want to acknowledge it or not) some people are simply better at parenting than others. OP may find it easier to manage the kids than his wife, that it takes less out of him emotionally. This is no major turn up for the books (unless you happen to live in a society that assumes women will always be better at parenting than men).

I would advise you to try and take a step back from the situation and worry about it less. Parents all have different styles and I doubt your son Is unhappy or will suffer from the different techniques you have. . Children go through many phases, being good, being unco-operative, favouring and obeying one parent. They push boundaries without realising that they are doing it

The poor kid didn't ask to be born and at this age they pick up on everything, she's causing him damage. I'm sorry but if this is how you feel and you think this is acceptable you sound like a crap parent.

"I don’t see why this is particularly a source of frustration. Why is is even any skin off your nose if your DC says rabbits are kangaroos? Why do you get into an argument about authority over it?"

Quite. And FWIW rabbits are vegetarians with big back legs for jumping. So they are at least very LIKE kangaroos. That is an opportunity to discuss the difference and similarities. That is a bright kid.

OP - is it possible she is suffering from PND? I know it is a commo suggestion but I certainly struggled with DS1 when he was about 5 and DD was 2. I had PND. It was the only time I was ever an angry parent.

I'd give her this last chance to get her act together and then I'd warn her that we WOULD be swapping roles if she continues bullying and emotionally abusing my child.

I think the way we raise our DCs often reflects on how our childhood was, or how we perceive our childhood was.

So was DW the unloved youngest child of the family and she is treating DS the same. Or was she the ignored eldest and the youngest of the family was spoilt and she is treating DS as if this is he. If you get my drift. What happened in her childhood. Maybe her male sibling was the golden child and she is taking this out on DS? Did something happen in her childhood when she was 5 and a half?

I found at around 5, my dcs changed and my parenting really had to change. As didn’t DH’s and I had to keep reminding him that they were only 5.

I feel sorry for your son. I would try an open conversation with your wife to find out what is driving her behaviour. I would also suggest she comes to mumsnet herself and asks for help.

“If this is how you feel And you think this is acceptable you sound like a crap parent”. But enough about me. From reading the Ops post he is saying that at the moment his wife is finding it difficult to parent their child. He says she shouts occasionally and gets frustrated and loses her rag. I doubt she is alone in that. Two children, PMT, juggling work and home are clearly taking their toll. He has also said that she is not abusive and that she is a loving parent. He wants to help her see a different way of parenting,

My advice throughout this thread has been to support each other, explain acceptable behaviours to the child , not to punish but to reward good behaviour. I have also said that working together is a good first step.

As with all posts only one side is revealed but the OP has been kinder to his wife than some posters.

I think it is a bit more than just getting frustrated and shouting sometimes which we all do. It is worse than that because from the OP’s description his wife doesn’t understand or refuses to accept that it is her parenting that is problematic not who her child is.

I find it very sad when people describe their children as ‘a brat’ (as opposed to saying it was bratty behaviour) I don’t think it is normal or acceptable for a parent to feel that who their 5 year old child is is unacceptable or that they are a bad person or a brat.

It's more along the lines of "rabbits are kangaroos mummy" "no they're not" " yes they ARE" "no they're really not" YES they ARE and I'M right and YOU're wrong!"

Hahaha
My dgd yesterday was convinced that a reference to a mule in a video, said mole. After ten minutes trying to convince her we just agreed. But bloody mole of a child

I wonder whether you've heard of Triple P parenting classes? They run them all over the country and they help teach strayegies to manage childrens challenging behaviours. There may be classes held near you. www.triplep-parenting.uk.net/uk-en/find-help/triple-p-online/?itb=56d33021e640f5d64a611a71b5dc30a3&utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_term=triple%2520p&utm_content=Brand%2520Pure&utm_campaign=Brand%2520-%2520Phrase&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI17Hovt2y2QIVop3tCh3RIg1TEAAYASAAEgJqO_D_BwE

Fast to blame. Typical mumsnet, would be calling for castration if it were the other way around.

Five year olds can be a pain. With my DC something changed on his 2nd birthday. Before that he was an angel, since then there have been moments of absolute despair. I remember around the 2-3 year mark, DH returning home from work in the evening and me threatening to walk out never to return!

DS is now 5 and half, he is getting easier slowly. He too stalls and acts silly in the mornings making us late for school. He takes forever to get dressed and takes even longer in the bathroom, spilling handwash and deciding the floor needs s mop. I found myself many a times losing it too but now refuse to be sucked into the drama. I feed him his breakfast, brush his teeth, hover outside when he is in the bathroom and even dress him. He hates it and loves his independence but until he understands to do things quickly I will continue to for my own sanity.

He answers back, behaves quite rudely to DH and myself, hits DS1 and shows off A LOT when we have friends over. He is hard work but shouting, complaining about his behaviour to others in his presence, showing him how visibly upset he makes me, etc none of these things have helped. Now if after one warning he continues its time out. He cries and cries but I carry it through religiously. Less shouting, more distraction, affection and quality time spent with him has really improved his behaviour to be entirely honest. We are getting there slowly. I know it will pass, DS1 is living proof of that.

Your DW needs to try and remember they are small for such a short amount of time. It WILL pass. It's bloody hard but if he is 5 he is in school most of the day, it's different to when they are small and surgically attached.

Oh and I have done a Triple P parenting course. It didnt really help me much in all honesty but it's worth a try if they have classes near you.

Reading the first page of your post and putting myself in you OH shoes maybe she feels like she's failing? Feeling like you are doing a shit job at being a mum is a horrible feeling, and when you get into that negative frame of mind it can be hard to get out of it. Can you suggest that they do some fun things together while you do the school run? Is may be called 'love bombing'. She must feel like she's fighting a losing battle at the moment, and also probably senses your frustration too.

Ahahaha.

It was ONE example, of daily such examples, telling me how things are and how he is right and we are all wrong and no of course we don't know any better, he's FOUR and he knows everything.

We live in Australia, we discuss the difference between marsupials and non marsupial mammals. Yes he is bright, but he isn't going to stay bright for very long if he firmly believes he is always right and everyone else is wrong, however dubious his opinions are.

Really, if you think that was the ONLY thing that frustrated me...

Dd1 and used to clash.she also used to clash with her dad although he was around less due to work-very unlike your situation op-and so it was mainly me with her.
She was a very difficult child to be fair but it became a self fulfilling prophecy. I'd wake up every day thinking she was going to kick off about something and inevitably she did. I see how that it was probably as much about my response and approach to her as the way she behaved.
I needed time out. I also had dd2 aged 3.5...but you seem to already be giving your wife that.
I would echo pp who think there might be a bit of depression at play here and as you've decried what would seem to be a pretty sad childhood for her it wouldn't be surprising if there were some residual stuff From that for her I guess? Does she ever talk about it?

For what it's worth dd1 turned a corner aged about 9.5-10. Some of it her on her own, some because I made a conscious effort to choose my battles and almost Love bomb her (for want of a better phrase). We get on pretty well for the moment (she will be 13 this year so I'm not kidding myself it will last indefinitely)

No, I don’t think that was the only thing that frustrates you. It was the example you gave and there was literally no reason why it should be SO frustrating or why what PP said wouldn’t apply to that example. It is clear that you are creating a problem by getting into a back and forth.

If you get into a back and forth with a child you are basically instructing them that the authority is up for grabs and you will enter into a negotiation that they might win.

It doesn’t matter that he knows the difference between kangaroos and rabbits, the point is that whatever reaction you give cuts off the attempt to get into a power struggle. The point of wilfully taking it at face value or diffusing it with humour is to provide a distraction and avoid that kind of power struggle.

Do you think I don’t already know that kangaroos are not rabbits? The whole point is not that I know so much better and he needs to be corrected, the point is to act as though I am in authority, that means not being frustrated and entering into a back and forth.

What you described was you responding to him as though you were 5 years old and not as a parent. This will completely feed his desire to enter into more power struggles.

Your attitude towards him is also pretty sad TBH, if he is bright he will continue to be bright, his teacher most likely will have the good sense not to/won’t have the time to give away authority by entering into a back and forth about who is right and who is wrong. You come across as though you really don’t like him on this thread too, which is going to make him more combative.

I've not read the whole thread so apologies if this has been covered earlier. You mentioned her talking about being struggling with periods currently. Pain can make anyone snappy. I developed depression from a medical problem I had when the kids were little and sometimes I was vile to them. I could hear myself and think what are you doing but it still came out. Might be worth her having a chat with gp.

Maybe she doesn't want you to help? Maybe she is just finding things aren't all walks in the park and reading bedtime stories. Maybe she is just finding this bit hard.

I am a good mum. I know I am. My dd is no bother at all. My ds is 4 and a completely different kettle of fish. I offload to dp about what he has done, how he has behaved etc. Doesn't mean I want him to cure anything.

It just means for 10 minutes that morning I had a frustrating time getting shoes on. Or ds bolted around tescos. Or raided my make up bag while I was in the shower.

Quite agree Offred. Don't even enter the arena Thumb. Why are you getting into debates with a 4 year old.

I love the way some people are suggesting the DW gets sent away for a spa break in exchange for being shitty to her son.

If op was female you'd be telling him to LTB

Emotionally abusive? Bullying behaviour? Where exactly? Because she 'clashes' with her son?

Perhaps the OP could give a few more examples?

Honestly, OP, you sound like my ex with my DD. He favoured my elder DD and she could do very little wrong. I was the overly strict mum that was always on her case (in his eyes!)

One divorce and 8 years later, my eldest dd doesn't even speak to her dad anymore. Once she got old enough to see that he wasn't a good example of a parent.

Your OH must be very tolerant really to put up with her parenting being constantly criticised.

Why won't you show her this thread?